The Year in Review: Sometimes I Disappeared, But I Want To Come Back

It's that made up time of year when I decide to look back at everything that has made me who I am up until this very point of writing. These times come for me usually in that gray area when one thing ends and another begins; right now it's school ending and summer beginning. In a week I'll be on a plane to China. I think that maybe this is important because it's the exact same thing I did last year.

I'm sitting in my parents' kitchen right now, drinking tea and eating stale raisins. The weather is cloudy and I think it rained this morning. I just got back from A-Camp on Sunday night and I don't really know what to do with myself. It's a lot quieter here.

The thing is, this year, I don't need to ask myself "how did you get here?" because I already know that inertia got me here. Does that make sense? What I mean is that I didn't do anything at all to get me anywhere. In September I thought to myself that I was a whole new person with realness, tangibility, and form and I stepped outside of my brain and decided I was going to crash into life.

But it turned out that life was just work. And I threw myself into that with all the force I could muster because it made me feel like a real person. It made me feel needed and important and like I was really doing something, even if it wasn't actually important at all. I could say to people "I'm working" and it could be a thing that people understood. You know? It felt normal. Like, God, I'm just so normal, going to normal work all the normal time. And I felt all the normal feelings, which is to say, I really didn't feel anything at all.

What really happened is that everything else in my life fell away. I wanted time to "focus on myself" but it turns out that that meant ensuring that I got the proper amount of sleep every night. Everything was just fine in that fine way, where I didn't cry I just sort of despaired when things were sad and then did whatever it was that I had to do. I believe they call this "going through the motions" and Buffy Summers sang about it on her hit TV show "Buffy the Vampire Slayer".

I feel proud of myself because I made + saved enough money to pay for my entire trip to China all by myself. All the money that I'm using is entirely mine that I worked for, and financial independence is something that I've always wanted so this feels like a big step for me. It's okay to feel good about that, right? Money makes me so uncomfortable and I wish that everybody had a lot of it or that nobody had any at all. But I guess this isn't really about money.

It's about how I closed up and disappeared and became a non-entity. I worked a lot but it was only about money in the sense that I needed just enough to pay rent and keep some in my bank account. I worked a lot so I could hold on to something that seemed to make sense to everyone else ("work") and I didn't let myself think about the other things that I wanted. It felt good to have a team at work, to be known and to feel solid. That was sufficient.

But before this year, my life wasn't about sufficiency. It was an overflow of feelings all the time and I cried a lot and that was a good thing. I wrote words and people read them and the words came from a real place in my heart. I stopped writing this year. My blog is almost empty and so is my journal because I just didn't have anything to say. There were no feelings that were pounding on my heart's door, demanding to be let out.

It's kind of the worst thing, to stop wanting. I don't believe for a second that I've ever stopped wanting, but I took desire and covered it up. Every time it knocked it was a faraway sound that I could shut out so easily, pretend it belonged somewhere else. I muted my desire to be anything, to be even a person. Was I a person who wrote? I had no beliefs, no identity, no passion. I didn't want to participate in anything, go anywhere, meet anyone. There was nothing for me to write.

I don't know if it was fear. I don't know what it was. I think it was just a mistake I made about myself, which I am okay with admitting. I think if I could go back I would love everyone a little harder, because I wasn't a very good friend, and I'm sorry about that.

Going to A-Camp reminded me of the person that I was when I first started working for Autostraddle. And everyone remembered me as that person, which made me want to be that person again. I miss her, that girl who was scared but brave, in love with everything and everyone. It reminded me of a time when I really lived, or something, whatever living is. I mean, it was living with other people, being comfortable in my own skin, and letting things hurt. Life doesn't have to hurt if you don't let it, but then I don't think you'll feel any feelings at all. I mean, you have to let them all in.

by Robin Roemer
this is a weird picture of me and I don't even mind

This is what A-Camp did, what Autostraddle does: it gives you confidence to be who you are. If there's anything I learned from Autostraddle for the past 3 years it's that you have to let yourself feel. Your feelings are beautiful and you're beautiful and god it sounds so corny, but that's what it is, you are beautiful and you need to let yourself feel things because I'm going to start feeling things again and it's all going to be okay if we have feelings together.

I think maybe the whole point of this blog was my weird way of trying to tell you who I am, even though I don't know who that is. I'm figuring it out piece by piece, and the Autostraddle team has been a big part of that. Sometimes I disappeared, but I want to come back. I don't really know what that means, sorry.

I don't know. I guess this is just my life and these are the things that have happened to me and the things that I have done. I'm not going to say that I'm not going to hide anymore because I will probably still hide sometimes. But I know a little better now what I want and who I want to be and I think I can be that person.

by Robin Roemer

I know you can't see these people's faces, but I want you to know they are among the most beautiful faces you will ever see.

I am humbled, once again, by the magic of Autostraddle. I want you to know that I knew these things about myself before, I knew that I had disappeared this year and become a blank slate of nothingness. But I guess A-Camp filled me up again, reminded me of there's a rosy complexion to my cheeks.

"The Year In Review": A Few Things I Remember

1. [f a l l i n g in and out and in and o u t of love]

With everything, and everyone, constantly. I just can't do the highs and lows. Well, sometimes I don't understand me and sometimes I don't understand you. I don't know you or me. I don't understand the happiness or lightness of love; I don't understand the sadness and excessive weight of love. I've given you all and now I'm nothing.

2. ["Christmas is S O D U M B."]

I am Scrooge/The Grinch. Whatever. Christmas is stupid. I'm only partially sorry if that offends you. What is Christmas about anyway? Is it the birth of Jesus? I honestly don't even know. I don't even really care. All I want for Christmas, really, is some new socks. Because the majority of my socks have holes in them. I am happy that I am escaping this Christmas obsessed world and going to a tiny bubble in the middle of nowhere with people who also don't care about Christmas.

(Alright, so Christmas hasn't happened yet, but today on the metro I saw a man with a Christmas tree and I thought "oh yeah, I guess it's about that time to throw out Christmas trees" and then I realized that December 25th hasn't actually happened yet. That's how much I care about Christmas.)

3. [g r a dua t ing]

I did it.

4. [s u m m e r in America]

It was hot. There were fireworks and a parade and everyone I love in Riese's living room. I feel sad and nostalgic because it will probably never happen again, I mean, not like that. You and I are not the same people anymore. But we are still beautiful.

5. [moving i n and o u t and in and out of h o m e]

Frequently I ask myself "why do I live here" and fail to produce a decent answer. Then one night I slept in my old bedroom and felt annoyed at all the space. My room was too big. It doesn't matter. Nothing is ever clean in my apartment. But my small room feels at least a little more like home. It's warm and the bed is comfortable. It's safe.

I still feel like I don't know where I live, or where home is. I guess that's normal.

6. [the year in r e v i e w]

I remember parts of the year. I remember February, vividly. I remember March and feeling high and happy and perfect. Things made sense in March. I think I went on a camping trip in April. I remember my legs sticking to the seat of the bus in May. June and July are stuck together in a gooey mess of sweat and kisses and tears. August is one long train ride to nowhere. September - November is 10,000 feelings I'd like to erase. I am drained and pulled apart.

I am tired and I'd like to stop counting. I'd like to stop counting backwards and forwards. Sometimes all I know is that I'm a mirror of other people's feelings and opinions, a composition of people who came before me. Sometimes I'm amazed at the love I feel, and the strangeness of how I can love people I don't know, so much so that I turn the people I claim to love into strangers. Sometimes I'm surprised at how angry I am, when I don't know where that anger comes from. But mostly I'm surprised/unsurprised at the way the world heals itself, and how when everything feels upside down, the world will turn you over again.

"I love the number of people

you can love at the same time,

one deep, erotic love,

radiating even to strangers,

cynics, making a temporary sense

of the senseless, choreful day."

- Stephen Dunn "Loves"

Is this year over yet.

The Official Birthday Wishlist

+ a harmonica (~$10)

+ ankle socks

+ the shower tap to stop dripping

+ garbage bags (~$7)

+ tea (~$4-$15)

+ a haircut ($25)

+ a week's worth of groceries ($15)

+ moleskin with graph paper ($16)

+ measuring cups for dry ingredients

+ tickets to the stars concert in december (~$25?)

+ boyshorts from american eagle or american apparel (or you could just give me money so i can do this myself)

+ boots (~$30-$70) (dad?)

+ books are always appreciated. just to help you out, some books i am interested in reading are: "running with scissors" by augusten burroughs, anything by haruki murakami, some poetry by william carlos williams, anything by e.e cummings except for "erotic poems" because i already have that, anything by mary gaitskill except for "bad behaviour" because i already have that, anything by loorie moore, etc.

this list will likely be revised and reposted later in november. my birthday is the 27th. i will be old (er). drinks are always accepted.

before you buy me any of these incredibly useful things, i would appreciate it if you DONATED TO AUTOSTRADDLE.COM. and then if you feel like it, feel free to get me some groceries. if you're nice i will let you stay for dinner.

Dear Diary 06.30.10

Dear friends,

This is Emily. I am in Philadelphia. Just chillin', you know. Last weekend I was in NEW YORK CITY for RODEO DISCO NUMERO DOS that's why there have been a lack of updates. I would like to do a full and proper recap of my feelings for this weekend but I don't really have time because I have to go meet Laura with food so we can have a picnic in the park. Anyways, my general feelings are this: last year everything was very tall, especially the buildings and Marie-lyn Bernard. I sat outside Mason-Dixon the whole night. This year the buildings were still tall and so is Riese but I think I grew a little bit. The fact remains that I love everyone at Autostraddle with all my heart and soul. Maybe I will write more about it when the mood strikes.

Here's a picture.

Till next time weirdos!

Remember When We Marched For Equality In October?

This one time in October 2009 Autostraddle went to Washington to march for equality and we're still marching, but separately, like we march to the bus stop and to the grocery store and to the living room, etc. I was there and I took pictures and then 7 months later I took more pictures with the same roll of film and so they were all double exposed which is sometimes really nice (see: san francisco) but in this case it just made me upset and I couldn't deal with it until now. It's convenient because autostraddle is having a party called RODEO DISCO 2: BACK IN THE STRADDLE and I know you're all excited to go and maybe these pictures will make you more excited!

If you're curious, some of the pictures are mixed with other pictures from Washington, some from this time I took my friend's dog for a walk in the snow, and the time Laura came to Montreal in May.

If you want to use these pictures for something, anything, please credit me. I might post the rest on tumblr so keep looking for that, and maybe on flickr but probably not 'cause I can't be bothered.

I've Been Distracted

Dear Diary, Summer's Almost Here

Dear diary,

Last night I went downtown to watch the Habs game and that was only slightly insane, with people climbing trees and streetlights and setting off firework/flare things. I had my last Liberal Arts class ever today. I feel like it's one of those things where I'll wake up in the middle of the night in July and start crying about it and then forget about it later. One more class and an exam and I'm done CEGEP forever unless I failed the english exit exam, which, I mean, like, probs not. I have a $4.50 library fee too. Somehow, in my own stupidity, I managed to forfeit a good 17-18% of my mark in one of my classes so instead of getting a high grade I'm getting a low grade, so that sucks. I'm torn between caring and not caring. Concordia won't accept my acceptance of their acceptance so as of right now I'm still not going to university in the fall but my high school finally called and they're going to mail my transcript to UBC but I doubt I'm going there anyway so that's that. Summer soccer has started so that means the imminent collapse of my lungs as I get back in shape after not moving for an entire year except to run to the bus stop. Oh, and I'm getting paid tomorrow too.

I can't wait till days don't exist anymore and everyday is Saturday. My summer schedule for work is available open - close every day except that one week in June where I go to New York and do this again.

That's all for now, diary,

xoxo,

Emily

A Non-Linear Approach to Learning, Or Something.

The last few posts of mine have been pretty depressing so I thought I'd shake it up a bit and post something that requires less from me and more from you. Also I forgot to write something for today.

I'm pulling a leaf out of autowin's book and posting links to stuff I'm "currently reading/doing/listening to/etc.

-----

+ Have you heard The National's new album High Violet? You can listen to the whole thing for free on NPR. My favourite track so far is Bloodbuzz Ohio. High Violet is released on May 11.

+ The other stuff I'm really listening to right now is from Jonsi, the lead singer of Sigur Ros. Listen to his whole album Go on his website. For free.

+ Holly Norris and Jes Sachse made their own "American Apparel" ads in response to the apparently "regular" people who model for AA.

+ A woman goes to an anti-racism workshop and discovers that we're all racist. For what it's worth, being "colour-blind" is not productive, nor is being afraid of offending someone because you mention something that's part of their culture. As someone in the comments said: "As a Canadian of Japanese ancestry, I have spent my entire adult life trying to allay the burden white people carry about their whiteness or my lack thereof. "No. I would prefer if you didn't promote me to comply with your stupid, misguided and racist employment equity program." Or of late: "No. I don't find Sumo suits racist, but I find your pandering to my sensitivities very offensive.""

+ Mother's Day when you're unmothered. Also read the Slate article it links to. DO IT.

+ So I saw Justin Bieber and Sean Kingston's new video for "Eenie Meenie" a song you've probs never heard and it is surprisingly catchy. The song. Not the video.

+ Riese team picked this on autostraddle, and I love it. A new poem from Eileen Myles called "Smile".

+ Also, obviously, you should be reading autostraddle. Specifically you should read: part one of a 3 part feminist roundtable discussion, and some phone versus the iPhone 4G: a srs analysis.

+ Have you checked out my tumblr?

it's hard to find it when you knew it

[bon iver - re:stacks]

this song used to remind me of being drunk at 3am on st. laurent. it used to remind me of a skinny bitch who wound my heart in circles. it reminded me of the top of the mountain, of walking home alone in the morning and feeling like nothing. just feeling nothing but [there is no ending to this sentence]

everything that happens is from now on.

okay, so what, i cried on the way home. maybe it was because i was thinking of the rejection letter sitting in my inbox, or maybe it was because the lady who stamped my ticket at penn station was mean. maybe it was because i hate penn station. it was probably because i had my period but it was also because my heart was unwinding slowly and falling loosely at the sides. i’m sorry it’s the most useless thing in the world.

now this song makes me think of sitting on the kitchen floor with a can of pabst blue ribbon and a bottle of gin, singing to a girl because she listened.

this is pouring rain,
this is paralyzed.

my own resolution was to stop being so afraid of having what i want. it wasn’t a new year’s resolution, it was a life’s resolution; to live with no regrets because i had to at least try to achieve everything i wanted and stop being so damn scared of everything. but i’m always so terrified of moving because then the earth might move with me. everyone else is terrified but i don’t know of what. i thought too much about it, was too much like prufrock to follow up when she lay down next to me in the sun. now our feet won’t touch the ground and it’s a big scary leap. it’s too much for me to lean over two inches and kiss you on the mouth. i felt stupid, thinking of all the people who might do it better than me.

you were right, you were right about everything. the best parts are the ones that can’t be talked about. i can’t explain it to anyone. you have no idea what you do to me.

the fountain in the front yard is rusted out

all my love was down

in a frozen ground.

++

the first time i left new york the world seemed so big. penn station loomed above me as i stepped out of the cab, fearful and exhausted. the morning seemed wet and dry; everybody knew where they were going and i trudged down the stairs, down to my doom, the 11 hour train ride away from the iconic days of summer 2009. a mark on the calendar for everyone.

my eyes were open those few days. my mouth was open too, with laughter and wine. other things happened that i’ve already written down, memorized too well. i can’t talk about them. i can talk about them. i didn’t know [redacted] at that time. i just thought i did so i let her and i let myself go. i was surprised by her move. i can’t talk about it.

time, later; months. outside with itchy lips. i wanted to but it physically hurt. i can’t talk about it. itchy lips. we discussed instead.

++

time, later; now. wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday; in arms but not the kind that kill you, just the kind that wound and invoke heartache. i said i wish i had kissed you in the kitchen. i wish i had kissed you on the roof. i wished i had kissed you on the floor in the sun. i wish i had kissed you when you said “everything” and i wish i had kissed you everywhere.

the wait/weight is really quite too much, it's really very perfect it felt long but that's how it was different from every other time with every other person. it was really quite too much and now i know why you said "everything" because sometimes it really just feels like "everything".

it was just different because it meant something. because i waited, because you waited, till there was no other option but to ignite fireworks, finally, and fear and trembling at your touch.

that was it, you totally had me, you can have all of me.

this is not the sound of a new man

or a crispy realization.

it's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away

your love will be

safe with me.

truth is stranger than fiction

hello friends!

it is the late afternoon/early evening of friday the 12th of march and i am having a really weird moment. for one, i am using my old pc laptop. it is very strange. i keep making typos. also it is very loud and i keep pressing "alt" instead of "command" because the "command" button is somewhere else. and i keep trying to use two fingers to scroll. i can't do anything on this computer! on an unrelated note, i'm also cold. which reminds me that i made tea 30 minutes ago and it is also probably cold.

the universe has been doing some really weird things to me lately. the past 3 days i've had these creepy bordering on nightmareish dreams. one of my dreams was that a bunch of hairy wrestler men in spandex were chasing me out of a gay carnival. another one was that a plane crashed into the building next to me and set everything on fire, but that was okay because i was in a pool and therefore didn't die (?!?). i can't remember the third one but i know it was creepy because i woke up thinking what the hell is happening around here.

i've also decided that i'm going to start writing down my dreams and turning them into stories. sometimes i have dreams with cool people in them, like once i was on a ship with kate winslet and rose mcgowan (titanic??), once i had sex with brad pitt on a tropical island, and once john krasinski hugged me. imagine if those were real?

a few days ago i had a 'where is my mother' panic attack and had to mourn the loss of my childhood for the 98,000th time. i wrote a poem about it but i don't want to share it with you.

and now, just a few minutes ago, facebook decided to finally do what it's promised to do since it started.

by that i mean on the right hand side of my home page, facebook made a "friend suggestion" that i totally wasn't expecting and actually probably hoped to never see. i would not have actively searched for this person, ever. usually the "friend suggestions" i get are people from high school who have 37 mutual friends that i never speak to either.

what kills me is the person's profile picture is a picture i took four years ago. really, papi? i wonder if i'm popping up on her friend suggestions.

the first thing i did is wonder if i should friend request her. 5 seconds later i decided that would be crazy times, a decision that might be reversed if i ever get drunk enough near a computer.

the second thing i did was edit my profile. i realize that is completely unnecessary (omg i just spelled that 'unnessecary' what is wrong with me?!) and i don't know why i thought it was a precaution i had to take. maybe i'm prophesying (i also spelled that wrong mostly because i was just guessing that it was a word) being drunk near a computer? after that i checked to make sure my privacy settings are so that no one who isn't my friend can see the edits i just made to my facebook page. i know what you're thinking. jk i don't. but i know what i'm thinking, and what i'm thinking is that sometimes i'm kind of crazy and obsessive and also a huge time waster.

this probably happens to a lot of people, i'm guessing. we're all kind of the same like that. i tried to evaluate my life from this other person's eyes, this person who hasn't seen me in 4 years and then i wanted to make everything look pretty and neat in case they cared. also it's like when you know someone's looking at you, you start to act differently. you become conscious of your actions. it's strange, because she's not reading this or "looking" at me, but it feels like it. maybe because suddenly i'm looking at her? or just crazy.

anyways, what's really important besides my dumbass life crisisesess is that i'm going to philadelphia to visit laura tomorrow! then we are going to nyc to visit autostraddle headquarters. it's going to be good times.

in sadder news, the tv downstairs is broken. this sucks because it is the tv attached to the cable thing so all the good channels are downstairs. also my wii is connected to that tv. so now i will never finish call of duty! unless i bring the wii upstairs.

en tout cas, spring break, fuck yeah! watch lady gaga's 'telephone' video. so fucking good. it might even be better than bad romance, and that's saying something.

lemon, out!

Team Picks - From the Autostraddle Archives!

At Autostraddle we have something called 'Team Picks'. Basically if someone on the team finds something cool on the internet that doesn't apply to a daily fix or isn't big enough to be an article/feature, they put it as their pick. Team Picks are one of my favourite things on Autostraddle, so I went back through the archives and picked some cool old ones!

++

Alex's Team Pick - September 23, 2009

What would happen if we printed the internet?

Jess's Team Pick - October 8, 2009

Time-lapse video on how beauty is made.

Laura's Team Pick - October 19, 2009

"Does anyone know how to knit? 'Cause this little baby is all I want for Christmas/Halloween/Thanksgiving." I LOVE THIS ONE I literally spit all over my screen laughing about this.

Lily's Team Pick - November 9, 2009

People of Walmart! Sidenote I remember spending a lot of time looking at this?

Emily's Team Pick - November 15, 2009

People doing the same thing/looking the same in NY.

Laura's Team Pick - November 26, 2009

Poems about onion bagels.

Emily's Team Pick - December 1, 2009

A vicious polar bear attack. (it's worth clicking on this one).

Riese's Team Pick - December 11, 2009

If you don't "get" Lady Gaga.

Alex's Team Pick - February 1, 2010

Rare photos of famous people. - Really cool.

++

Okay, I think that's enough shit for you to click on/waste time! All the Team Picks can be seen here. There are a zillion more awesome ones waiting to be rediscovered!

Tomorrow Never Knows What It Doesn't Know Too Soon

Today is the last day of 2009. Tomorrow is going to be an entirely new decade. I don't know what to think. I guess a lot of people are doing year end reviews and whatever. I don't really have the energy to do that because I can't remember things because I'm old now. Jk! Next year I turn 20, so this is my last year as a teenager. Kind of a scary thought.

Yesterday I was going over in my mind every month of 2009 to think of eventful .. events and I couldn't remember what I did for march break. I did nothing.

Significant events of 2009 in chronological order: meeting katrina, losing the hockey finals, working for autostraddle, getting a "real" job, going to new york for the autostraddle rodeo disco, going to new york for the second time, quitting hockey, being back at school and being happy, going to dc for the march on washington.

It's unlikely that I will ever link to the first 3 months of this blog ever again.

Significant events that I expect will occur in 2010:

January 8-13: NYC

January 11: it will be this blog's 1 year anniversary. weird, huh?

January 17: T&S concert

January 20: back to school ("significant"?)

Everything after that is up in the air. I expect to receive a letter or something from UBC either accepting or rejecting my application and from there I guess I'll have to make some decisions. I want to move into an apartment in the spring/summer. I want to make more trips to NY. I want to still have a job to pay for said trips. Maybe I'll go to Europe. Maybe I'll be in love. I don't know what's going to happen. It's kind of exciting. Hopefully my friends still like me in 2010. Maybe some a really good movie will come out. Maybe a really good book will come out, though I feel that's unlikely. Maybe I'll write a really good book.

Anyways. 2009 was a pretty good year and 2010 looks pretty good too. I mean, I think I'm finally growing up, or whatever. And I'm glad I spent 2009 with the people I did. Because I love love. And disobeying everything my eighth grade teacher taught me about starting sentences with "and", "but", and "because". (I'm JKing about that. Grammar lesson to follow in 2010). Happy New Year!

Don't Forget a Million Miles For Me, Safe and Another Day Has Passed by Me

"I went to B&H and got some film. Worked on autostraddle stuff with Riese and X. We smoked a joint and then went to meet Brooke, Carly, and Robin for dinner where I got drunk. Laura met us halfway through. We slept in Riese's living room and cuddled and talked and it was nice just to listen to people breathing."

- journal, August 14 2009

The room was dark, but not completely. The moonlight came through the cracks in the curtains and lit up little pathways on the floor. I remembered the first night I had stayed there, the night before. I slept on the couch. There were dark red candles on the table, at about eye-level. I thought about blowing them out because I could still see the flame when I closed my eyes but I decided not to. It added a cozy warmth to the room. For that first night I was alone with my thoughts and feeling little fits of happiness in my stomach. I was content and warm and felt like I belonged. There was satisfaction in knowing that the me from 7 months ago would never have predicted this. The fan in the window hummed quietly.

The second night was different. We slept on a mattress on the floor. The fan tried its best but the air was just sticky and hot. We pulled close to each other anyway and whispered breathy secrets. It was liberating. I felt like I was in another world, and maybe I was. I associate the feeling with New York but it could have been anywhere as long as the people were there. As long as I could lie on the floor and feel peace.

I spent the week in a daze. I seemed to be drunk all the time. I tried to get the seat next to the air conditioner. I tried to count how much money I had left. I tried to take pictures. I tried to remember every detail, every corner of every room, every street sign, every cloud in the sky. I couldn't. I only remember feeling as happy as I had ever been in my life. Now when I'm alone I think of the dark red candles. I think of Laura's navy blue shirt. I think of the mattress on the floor and the moon just outside the window and the steady breathing of the two people beside me who promised me without words that they would always be my friends.

++

June 26th, 2009. The road was foggy and empty. The yellow lines stretched on. Katrina was driving, looking for a place we never found. We listened to Tegan and Sara and it was surreal. We listened to the Yellowknife version of City Girl and we listened to the Spinner version of Nineteen and the Melbourne version of Want to be Bad. We listened to every Tegan and Sara song we could and we drove and drove and drove.

It was perfect, really. We met through a mutual love of Tegan and Sara, see. What seemed like a hundred years before, Katrina had been the girl who stole the screenname I wanted. Then she was the girl I stayed up late talking to. Then she was the girl I tried to write songs with over the internet. Then I was in DC in February and she was the girl who went from 2-D to 3-D and there was really no stopping it now. Suddenly she was in Montreal, in my room, watching the series finale of The L Word with me. It was before I knew Riese but after I had sent her that first email and I guess the forces were already at work because in four months we would be in Rockland talking about autostraddle. Riese said people usually like her better before they meet her, but I don't think that's true. I like her so much more.

The point is that four months after Katrina slept in my bed I was sleeping in her bed and driving in her car and on the eve of meeting Riese for the first time. I remember sitting in the bleachers at Katrina's high school -- the sky filled with stars, the air crisp but warm, and feeling tiny and large at the same time. The feeling would last until I took a cab to Penn Station and repeated those words to myself as the morning train took me home -- New York is big and small. My heart is big and I am small. There is enough room in my heart for everyone and everyone and other people and I will keep you [you] there because I need you [you] with me all the time.

++

I came back in August not really knowing why but feeling like I had to. I didn't know what I wanted. Maybe it was just a piece of that feeling back -- I don't even know what the feeling was or where it went -- but I wanted to recreate it.

It was so much better than the first time. I felt braver when I went home. I felt fuller, more complete. Now it's like I carry [their] hearts around but instead of feeling weighed down I feel light. I put one step in front of the other and hold this secret in my chest, this wonderful, wonderful secret, the secret everybody knows but not as well as us, no, not as well as me -- I could try and tell you but I'm not sure you'd understand: these people are more human than humans. They're more fantastical than unicorns. They're prettier than snow, they're smarter than smart things, they're worth more than their weight in gold.

They're changing the world, one heart at a time.

++

"X and Lola came over. I was passing out at 2:30 but I didn't want to fall asleep. Went to bed at 4 AM anyway. Also we came up with conspiracy facts about Gaga."

- journal, August 17 2009

At 4 AM I finally obeyed my tired eyes. I never wanted to sleep, never wanted to go home. There were three fans humming in the corners and not enough plugs for our computers. Where was the moon? I left my heart in Riese's living room.

Montreal, My Hands Are Getting Cold

Holy shitfuck guys, it's December. I wrote this on November 14th. Obvs I had just read 'America'. I don't know what I want.

Anyways, urgent matters to discuss before you read this poem. Remember when Maine happened? Ironically I used a line from 'America' as the title of that post, and today America, more specifically New York, fucked up again. The NY senate voted no on gay marriage, which is incomprehensibly lame. Read about it on Autostraddle and share your feelings.

Basically I just like to write about cities a lot, now read this about Montreal.

++

Montreal, do you hate me?

I can't figure you out.

I don't think I can talk to you right now.

I might cry and that would be embarrassing.

Montreal, I'm writing your name down.

Montreal, I'm making this real.

Montreal, you're ignoring me.

Can you hear me, Montreal?

I can't figure you out.

Would you like me to wave?

Would you like me to close my eyes?

Is this a game we're playing?

Montreal, you didn't tell me.

Montreal, should I stop asking questions?

I can't stop asking questions.

Is this too unbalanced?

Am I tipping the scales?

Montreal, I'll never be able to refine this.

Montreal, you're never going to read this.

I'm going to make you read this.

Montreal, I'm going to make you care.

I can't make you care.

Montreal, would you like me to leave?

I tried to leave.

Montreal, you wouldn't let me.

Who are you, Montreal?

I can't figure you out.

Montreal, I'm making this real.

Montreal, I'm ending this now.

I can't end this now.

I can't start anything either.

Montreal, I'm stuck.

Montreal, I want to cry.

I'm going to cry in front of you.

I'm going to smoke next to you.

Montreal, would you like a cigarette?

Montreal, would you leave me alone?

Leave me alone.

I'm tired of you.

Montreal, I never see you.

Montreal, you're everywhere.

Montreal, are you ignoring me?

Montreal, I want to leave,

but you left first.

Montreal, it wasn't fair.

I gave you chances, Montreal,

you didn't take them.

Did my opportunities come up short?

Montreal, am I good enough for you?

I'll never be good enough.

Montreal, I'm better than you.

Montreal, I'm stronger.

Montreal, my hands are getting cold.

I'm tired of waiting.

Montreal, you never came.

Montreal, you never met me.

I walked home in the morning.

The morning made my hands cold.

Montreal, do you have pockets?

Do you want a cigarette?

Are you ignoring me?

Montreal, I swear I saw you last night.

I swear you saw me too.

You looked right through me, Montreal.

Between St. Laurent and Mont-Royal,

Montreal, the sidewalks are full.

I walked the sidewalk down St. Laurent.

Montreal, you were on the sidewalk too.

Montreal, I broke the rules.

Montreal, I came outside and you were gone.

Where are you, Montreal?

Are you ignoring me?

Do you want me to leave?

Do you want a cigarette?

Montreal, I don't think you care about me.

I care about me.

Montreal, this is never ending.

Montreal, I'm trying not to cry.

Did you see me last night?

I was trying not to cry.

I walked home in the morning.

Montreal, my hands are cold.

Montreal, I don't think you're listening.

Are you listening?

Montreal, you're no good for me.

Montreal, give me a fucking chance.

Ask me a question, Montreal.

Is this too much?

Montreal, I'm stuck.

Montreal, I cried.

Montreal, I tried.

You didn't try.

Montreal, you ran away.

You left me standing here.

Montreal, my hands are cold.

Answer me, Montreal.

Montreal?

Don't wait up for me, Montreal.

I'm staying out late tonight.

America, This is the Impression I Get From Looking in the Television Set

Yesterday Maine voted to ban same-sex marriage. I'm tired and my heart hurts. Someone asked why we still hope when we lose so many battles. The answer is because these are our lives. No one is going to accept being a second-class citizen. No one is going to lie down and die. Hope is the only thing we have. Why do I care? I live in Canada, votes in Maine don't legally affect me. But Maine is part of the world, and so am I. And I... well, I care about other people. I want to go to Alex and Riese's wedding one day. It would be so simple.

Alex: "I can't believe we have to 'win' equality."

++

But you'll fight and you'll make it through

you'll fake it if you have to

and you'll show up for work with a smile.

And you'll be better,

and you'll be smarter,

and more grown up and a better daughter

or son and a real good friend.

You'll be awake, you'll be alert

you'll be positive though it hurts

and you'll laugh and embrace all your friends.

And you'll be a real good listener,

listen real,

you'll be honest, you'll be brave

you'll be handsome, you'll be beautiful.

You'll be happy.

- Rilo Kiley "A Better Son/Daughter"

++

I speak the pass-word primeval, I give the sign of democracy,

By God! I will accept nothing which all cannot have their

counterpart of on the same terms.

- Walt Whitman "Song of Myself"

Imagine all the people, living life in peace.

Well I Know What I Want, What I Want is SAINTHOOD

Listen up, guys. Tegan and Sara have this new album coming out October 27, as I've probably already mentioned it one or a million times. Crystal and I reviewed Sainthood and wrote a track by track breakdown of the whole album. Read it, bitches.

Today's music monday tuesday is SAINTHOOD.

In Which I Scan Random Things And Talk About How THE FUTURE IS BRIGHT!

On Friday I'll be on a long train ride to New York. On Saturday I'll be driving to DC to participate in the March on Washington which should be a fun new experience as I have never really held signs or shouted things with a real purpose before (such is the quiet, Canadian life). We here at the shoreline receding believe in equal rights for all human beings and illegal aliens (and in case you're wondering, we are also pro-choice and think that polygamy should be legal). Really, I just wanna marry kcdanger and move to NYC.

I'll be going with autostraddle.com and if you are a reader then I hope to see you there, and if you're part of the team then I hope to tackle you in a giant panda hug.

It's unlikely that I'll be posting again until next Wednesday or Thursday because I'll be very busy trying to make the world a better place. You can make the world a better place too, go tell someone you love them and mean it.

Since I have nothing much else to say right now, here are some scans of shit I found on my desk and a picture of me which I'm sure you will love. Also I think scanned things look cool.

++

the price of a one way ticket from penn station to nanuet is $8.50. i never used this because i got lost. clearly nj transit is NOT the way to go.

does that say papaya? how we communicate at autostraddle


to-do list. only one thing crossed off. decided that cleaning my whole room was too ambitious and just went for the desk. did not even complete that. #fail.


notes for moxie fucking crimefighter post


another to-do list in which i fail epically at actually doing things.


brooke explains how business works.


CHILD PRODIGY
now you know how much cuter i used to be.

the future is bright, my friends.
Have a good thanksgiving weekend!

Important Things You Need to Know: I Have Gone Crazy

Autostraddle had a redesign. If you don't check it out then I don't want to be your friend anymore.

As proof that my hands are not connected to my brain, I dropped my phone down 4 flights of stairs today. Sometimes I'm surprised I get my shoes on the right feet. I can't type.

How I Met Your Mother season 5 premiered Monday night. DOES ANYBODY WATCH THIS SHOW CAN WE TALK ABOUT BARNEY AND ROBIN AND HOW MUCH I LOVE THEM!

Also today is Riese's birthday, she just turned 19, send her an email riese at autostraddle dot com. Coincidentally, Riese is the CEO of autostraddle.com WHICH JUST HAD A HUGE REDESIGN JUST SAYING.

I'm so super moody lately, it's like I'm having a minor bipolar attack or something. I've probably been really inappropriate around like either "fuck you -- seriously." or "wanna make out?" or "uhnnnnnnnndsgffffffffffffjnjnl" is sometimes what I sound like.

Hey guys I heard Autostraddle redesigned their website.

Also, who has read Othello? I haven't but it's been discussed briefly in various classes of mine. One thing that stuck with me was this line; "I loved you not unwisely, but too much." And if you're scratching your head saying "what a fucking dumbass, that's not the line," YOU'RE RIGHT. The line is actually "I loved you not wisely, but too well." My brain has a hard time processing things so naturally I get things wrong a lot. But I kinda like what my brain came up with, mostly 'cause that's what I do; smother people with love until they hate me.

Anyways, enough about me, here, read a poem I wrote.

Wait, before you do that, press ctrl + left click on this.

++

I can’t bend to your will
‘cause I don’t have knees.
I’m just a hugging panda
hugging trees
but the trees don’t hug me.

The sun belongs to thieves.
I slept on a rug of leaves
one sunny Sunday afternoon.
I invented wooden spoons.
My shadow doesn’t fit the mould –
it stretches as the sun grows old.

She’s a winking panda bear
blinking here and there,
hiding everywhere.

I’ve seen her stare.

Now we’re two licking pandas licking trees.
The flames lick me.
I can’t run ‘cause I don’t have knees.
I’m stuck in the branches’ sway
licking paper, till we burn the paper away.

I’m a hugging panda hugging trees,
eating fallen leaves.
Now she’s leaving me.

I’m a hugging panda hugging trees.
Trees don’t have knees.
They stand up straight like me.

I’m a hugging panda hugging trees,
eating bamboo in the morning breeze.
Sleepy sleepy sunny day
Hugging trees till the trees decay
Licking paper till we burn the paper away.

I’m a hugging panda hugging trees
but the trees don’t hug me.

++

HEY MOTHERFUCKERS! AUTOSTRADDLE HAD A REDESIGN!

nudsfjinnnnnnnnnnnshdfjdskkjkdgjjkjsjp;!~!!!!!!

Hey, ever heard that Smashing Pumpkins song? Daydream? I have gone..crazy. Motherfucking crazy.

"My Blog Post": Tumblr Saturday with Cult Classic Brooke Levin

Text:
Hey-o, friends! It's your friendly neighborhood blogger, Emily. Today is a special day. Today I have my very first guest blogger (except only sort of because she doesn't write much)!


Brooke Levin is the money manager/maker at Autostraddle. She is the subject of many hashtags such as #brookelevin, #brooke11 and #brookelevinamazing. She will RT (retweet) anything with #swineflu. Brooke Levin is also a cult classic. When asked if she pronounces it "ay-men" or "ah-men" she said "I don't like to be bound by my 'a''s". Brooke Levin does not want to know if you are underage and she does not condone "inappropriateness". Since 98% of the Autostraddle interns and maybe just the team in general are inappropriate she is often telling us "that is inappropriate". Once I posted something "inappropriate" and two seconds later she reprimanded me because she is on top of her shit. Brooke Levin opened my eyes to subjectlining, which is the act of writing a whole email in the subject line and leaving the body empty. She tweets, she tumbles, and it's also quite possible that Brooke Levin is Lady Gaga.

Oh yeah, did I mention we love her?

Anyways, Brooke is doing the rest of this post, which includes all the types of posts you can make on tumblr. From now on I'll be having someone else do this every Saturday, that's why it's called Tumblr Saturday, you can see the first one here. If you're interested in doing a Tumblr Saturday with me then let me know.
[note: I did not make that graphic, the amazing Alex Vega did.]

Photo(s):

Quote:
"Small change can often be found under seat cushions." - Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" by Robert Heinlein

Link:
http://thelittlecriminal.wordpress.com/

Chat:
Brooke:
hi dear

Riese:
WHAT DO YOU WANT
I EAT EYEBALLS
I AM MONSTER OF LAGOON
TINKERBELL IS MY MAIDEN

Audio:
http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/song/Lose_Yourself/21838431

Brooke:
"ok eminem it is
for two reasons
1. It's a great pump up song and 2. Emily used to rap to Eminem when she was 12."

Video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cA-7kAUkqpQ

5 Reasons Why I'm Getting Up in the Morning

Sometimes it's really hard to get up in the morning, especially if you're tired 'cause you went to bed 3 hours ago. I hate mornings but I like to be positive about things, so these are 5 reasons why I get up in the morning. Besides seeing some people I might call "friends". They're pretty! Also I love love and want to be happy even when I'm tired. Being happy can be tiring though sometimes. But you know what? I wake up and think OMG maybe one of these 5 things will happen to me today! [actually number 1 tends to happen everyday or else I would never get up 'cause I'd be dead. Also number 2 is a 24/7 machine and if I didn't show up in the virtual office tinkerbell would attack me.]

Sidenote that has nothing to do with happiness: if you're on the left side of the escalator, and you're standing, I hate you. Move.


5. History with Albanese
Probably the main reason why I sit through an hour and a half of science is because history is next. I have a confession: I wanted Gesche Peters to be my favorite teacher forever, but Albanese is so good that I am involuntarily switching teams.

4. Time
I quit hockey and now I have so much time for everything! By that I mean I have time to do things I want to do and not things that other people want me to do. It's very refreshing. I feel like I might hand in some assignments on time this semester.

3. Three Things Supposedly Coming in the Mail for Me

OMG guys I won something in Autostraddle's summer scavenger hunt contest*!

Laneia is sending me a prize!

I ordered a 3 t-shirt special from 410BC! Three shirts for $25! Too bad the special is over! Ha ha!

Riese is sending me my film and T&S hoodie I left in her apartment and totes forgot about! SO EXCITING

2. Autostraddle
How do you seperate your real life friends from your online friends when your online friends become your real life friends? HELLO WEB 3.0. THIS IS THE FUTURE. I love everyone.

1. The Air Just Tastes So Damn Good
Cause it feels good to breathe freely.

++

*no fish were harmed in the taking of this photograph