Thursday, July 2, 2009

I Just Want Back in New York City

wine,
red, white, and blue
no wait, i'm canadian
i have a lot of friends
in london, ontario

tables, glass - but
what does it mean?
if this is a machine
it sure looks like a dream
you're just too fucking
post modern
she said
you're so fucking
post
modern
you're practically dead
bury me in keds
they're practical or so
my mom said
you're so fucking post modern!!
let me eat your head
when you die, i'm going
to wish i too
was dead
ps leisha hailey sees red
pps your mom
is in my bed
ppps j.k

-poem by katrina, riese, and i. but mostly riese.

--

I took the cab to Penn Station without really knowing where I was going. In fact this whole weekend I never knew where I was going, I just knew that I was going somewhere. It's not where you are, it's who you're with and I spent the weekend with some of the best people I possibly could. Leaving Manhattan made me want to cry.

So I did. A little bit.
And I'm still crying. But I'm still smiling too. I'm...
lacking the words. I guess if you know what it's like to be not happy and then feeling pure .. happiness .. maybe you know. Maybe you understand how much I don't want to let this go.

++

Remember that time we woke with our hearts constricted in the best way possible. Remember that time I shouted so much my voice started sounding like I had a head cold. I shouted because the rooms were loud, everything is very loud in New York. Sometimes I just want to hide from the noise inside me but not this time. This time I participated.

++

New York is big and small. My heart is big and I am small. There is enough room in my heart for everyone and everyone and other people and I will keep you [you] there because I need you [you] with me all the time.

Maybe I shouldn't admit that. Maybe I shouldn't say it. Maybe I shouldn't say anything unless everyone is drunk.

++

We're eating dinner at a restaurant in Little Italy. The lights are low and she's at the other table and my back's against the wall and no one is really sitting. There are no cars in the street I don't know why maybe it's blocked. There are a million restaurants. There are a million people. We stood by a chinese street vendor and kissed and kissed and kissed....

++

Chinese fire drill. Run, run, run [when I get a little scared].
I just want...
to never let this go.

++

I was conscious of time, knew that it was limited. Everything is in some way limited by time. Or not, depends on how you look at it. This could last forever somehow if I let it but I don't know how. Really though, I don't know what forever is and I don't know how to get there. I'm very conscious of time, I know that it is limited.

The seconds ticked.
It was long because we never slept.
What do you think they're doing right now, sleeping or drinking, I asked.
Drinking, she replied.

and so we were.

++

Run, run, run. Repeat
repeat the words I know we both said.

There are a million restaurants. There are a million people. We stood by a chinese street vendor and kissed and kissed and kissed....

++

This is how it works: you're young until you're not.

My heart feels so much right now. I remember walking in -- no, that's inaccurate, diving is right -- diving in because this couldn't be something I was scared of. I wouldn't allow myself to dip my feet in while everyone else got wet.

Look at everybody. Four on the couch, one on the floor. One on a chair. I was the fifth on the steps. One moving around everywhere. I don't know if this is right but look at everybody. Everybody is so pretty. My eyes, wide, wide, wide, soaking everything in. Dear brain, promise me you'll never forget this.

I never want to let this go.

++

I'm sitting on her shoes, and the other her is sitting in the dark corner by my side. I kinda get it. Even though it's hers, it's for her, she's gotta come outside. Sometimes we just need the comfortable people or the ones you don't need to say anything to. Some things don't need explaining. This I remember. This I know. Repeat the words I know we both didn't say.

Run, run, run.
++

Oh god, oh god, oh god. I miss you something fierce. Oh god it hurts. Oh it's so terrible, it's so perfect, it's so real. It's a thunderstorm in my heart and oh god it hurts.

This is how it works: you peer inside yourself.
You take the things you like and
try to love the things you took
and then you take that love you made
and stick it into someone else's heart
pumping someone else's blood
and walking arm in arm
you hope it don't get harmed
but even if it does
you'll just do it all again.

my number one feeling is missing autostraddle all lowercase

run run run run run around the party truck waving flags hopping sweating smiling run run circle collapse dance yes! yes! yes!

i am never letting you go.

lovelovelovelove oh god oh god oh god what is happening

And I'm still crying. But I'm still smiling too. I'm...
lacking the words. I guess if you know what it's like to be not happy and then feeling pure .. happiness .. maybe you know. Maybe you understand how much I don't want to let this go.

9 comments:

riese said...

I think I've read this like ten times now. Firstly, that poem is brilliant and should be published and sold on the street for free. Secondly, this is perfect: New York is big and small. My heart is big and I am small. There is enough room in my heart for everyone and everyone and other people and I will keep you [you] there because I need you [you] with me all the time.

k.c. danger said...

"Oh great, now I'm just gonna go in your fucking little black book with my name and a number next to it!"

Emily Choo (1), you are always more than a list and a number.

We spent like. Many hours talking about these posts, I'm not sure what else to say.

k.c. danger said...

ps-can we discuss ho we just consciously/subconsciously did the whole waiting for the other person to comment first thing?

Lucia said...

I think this is amazing.

saint modesto said...

Riese: Firstly, obviously...obvs. Secondly, thanks. When I say 'you' I mean autostraddle and when I say autostraddle I mean the feeling I get when I think about the weekend. I hope it got better every time you read it.

Katrina: You should put stars all around my name. Also you should change the meaning of the numbers -- 1 should be the best. You can put 8808 after everyone else's name.

We did spend many hours talking about this. Um yeah, the comment thing was interesting.

Lucia: Thank you. I think you are amazing.

laura said...

oh emily, this is so pretty. i'm having trouble saying words about it, but you did it so well. i feel this: I guess if you know what it's like to be not happy and then feeling pure.

saint modesto said...

thank you laura. i also like that part which is why i wrote it twice. i'm sure whatever you write is going to be good.

I LOVE YOU said...

走光,色遊戲,情色自拍,kk俱樂部,好玩遊戲,免費遊戲,貼圖區,好玩遊戲區,中部人聊天室,情色視訊聊天室,聊天室ut,成人遊戲,免費成人影片,成人光碟,情色遊戲,情色a片,情色網,性愛自拍,美女寫真,亂倫,戀愛ING,免費視訊聊天,視訊聊天,成人短片,美女交友,美女遊戲,18禁,三級片,自拍,後宮電影院,85cc,免費影片,線上遊戲,色情遊戲,日本a片,美女,成人圖片區,avdvd,色情遊戲,情色貼圖,女優,偷拍,情色視訊,愛情小說,85cc成人片,成人貼圖站,成人論壇,080聊天室,080苗栗人聊天室,免費a片,視訊美女,視訊做愛,免費視訊,伊莉討論區,sogo論壇,台灣論壇,plus論壇,維克斯論壇,聊天室

FROG'S new PAD said...

BRILLIANT! "New York IS both big and small..." not just that but so MUCH of what you say strikes home! i miss NYC even more now. thanks