february, you're a piece of shit, always

february you're ruining my life what the hell do you think you're doing stop fucking snowing

forever and ever you're the worst month of the year i hate your guts and i hope you melt

four full years ago

i am sitting here, january 8 2013. here i sit. in my chair. on the internet.

four whole years ago i wrote this little poem and thus began a long relationship between my thoughts and the internet.

this blog has been through some weird times. i think, in these four years, i essentially grew up, and i documented a lot of that right here. and i'm still growing.

when i first started this blog i had just turned 18, i was living at home, and i was starting cegep. now, i just turned 22, living in my third apartment in as many years, and i'm going to graduate university in a few months. i fell in love and i fell out of love, over and over again. the friends i had when i was 18, the good ones, the real ones, i still have them. and i have new, good friends. they are all amazing. you are all amazing.

this blog peaked in about 2010 when i updated a lot and told people i was updating a lot. and i met some pretty cool people in that way. when i thought i would say goodbye to being on the internet for a little while, you were all so wonderful and sweet so i didn't. and i think i realized that i can't, anyway. if i wanted to stop writing i couldn't. which is why, now, i think, it matters less to me who reads. i love it, of course, if you're reading, but i don't think i'm writing anymore so that people read. i'm just writing.

here we all are. somewhere, in the world. and here i go, starting year five of writing in this little space. i'm not getting sentimental. i mean, whatever.

mont-royal/montreal

La vie est une merde totale

"La vie est une merde totale
on la chie jusqu'à la mort.
une grande ligne de caca
c'est là tout ce qui restera
de nous. merci maman."

"qui

n'a

pas

déjà

cru

avoir

rejeté l'amour

dans l'âme

pour

toujours?"

merci julie doucet for being super fucking awesome.

Winter of Self-Destruction 1.0

Earth, I am in crisis, and you don't give a shit.
This is the winter of my self-destruction.
On the metaphorical road of life,
I have wandered off into a field
and am standing there like a lonesome cow.

Loneliness, you're enormous.
I'm drunk and you're taking advantage of me.
There isn't anyone here. I am taking advantage
of myself. Oh no.
My past and future selves are fighting again.

I am in crisis. I am as lost as Kim's bike,
locked to a pole somewhere in the city or
the dusty brain corner of forgotten things.
Earth, if you can remember where I am,
now is a good time to take me home.

Loneliness, you're enormous.
This is the winter of my self-destruction.
I am lying down now.
I am staring at the sky now,
wondering when it is going to snow.

WHAT THE MOTHER OF CRAP HAS HAPPENED TO MY DESK/LIFE

Not pictured: entire contents of wardrobe on bed.

Safe to say my life is in disarray. Is the semester over yet?

I Enjoy To Write Posts About October

My general feeling about October throughout the rest of the year can probably best be summed up as "ambivalent". It's sort of this nothing month that disappears between the final warmth of September and the cold of November as "another month of school".

But when I get to October -- when I'm actually in it -- I really love this month.

First of all, September sucks so whenever October comes around it's like a huge breath of fresh air. September = stressful. October = not September, therefore October = something better. That may be a fallacy but still, I can't help but think that October means things are settling down, a normal schedule has been established, and I can breathe again without panicking.

Secondly, I feel like fall fashion is in full swing, and I can't wait to buy a new scarf and some socks and maybe even some new shoes.

Anyways, I've been listening to a lot of new music since I got back from my trip that I haven't been posting here (four months with no new music made me feel kind of deprived so I've been downloading new stuff at an abnormal rate).

Neko Case's "Middle Cyclone" is still on high rotation, but I'm also listening to Andrew Bird's 2009 album "Noble Beast".

Here's a really cool live version of my favourite song off that album "Nomenclature".



I'm also really into Yukon Blonde again. I saw them play in September when they were visiting for Pop Montreal and I picked up a sweet tank top and a renewed appreciation for how fun they are live (the first time I went to see them I was actually seeing The Wooden Sky -- but I walked away a Yukon Blonde fan). My favourite song off their latest album "Tiger Talk" is "Iron Fist" mostly because of the lyrics.

It feels like the very first time
anybody's hurt you so much
you could just die
but you will get over it.
You will get over it.

(via)

Also listening to: Destroyer, Devendra Banhart, The Mountain Goats, The New Pornographers, Okkervil River.

hi i'm dr. oscar bluth-wilde

hi i'm dr. oscar bluth-wilde and i'll be taking over this blog for a little while while emily allows herself to continue in a downward spiral by watching charmed every night until 3am.

yes, i just want you to know that i have been taking online classes and i have received my phd in psychology so i am now a doctor. you may call me dr. oscar or just oscar that's ok too. since i am just getting my practice started i am offering for a limited time only free counselling sessions at any time of the day or night as long as i am not napping or eating or playing. i have a very busy day schedule so please keep in touch regularly with my secretary if you want to make an appointment. also if you have any advice questions you want to ask now you can do that in the comment section or in cat, kind of like ask annie only it's ask oscar and i am smarter than annie. she is an idiot.

ok so in celebration of my phd there will be a party on the internet it starts now and ends never. please bring snacks or else you can't come.

conversation, 2:39pm, wednesday

emily, did you write your paper?

of course not.

what have you been doing for the past 3 hours?

nothing. i made an internet purchase.

you have not moved from that chair for 3 hours.

i found the cat in the bathroom. lying next to the heater.

write your paper.

i can't.

why not.

i am defunct.

you are not.

yes i am.

no.

yes.

this is stupid.

yes.

write your paper.

in a second.

how many cups of coffee have you had?

2.

now you are feeling insane.

yes.

too much coffee.

no.

drink more?

soon.

can't move?

no. defunct.

not defunct.

just dying. the cat has a cold i think.

maybe you should clean the apartment.

i can't.

why not?

i have to write a paper.

write your paper.

write my paper.

write it.

write write write.

write it!!!!!

typing now. type type type.

it's a cat! i'm a cat

cat cat cat

we're a cats

there's a cat in the house

life is sweet in the belly of the beast

i've disappeared from the internet for the past few months. the truth is that i've just been living real life instead. i'm sorry because the internet has given me so much and not sorry because it feels good to live, and i think i'm actually happy even though i don't believe happiness is a real sustainable feeling.

my internet friends probably have forgotten i exist; my real life also probably hate me because i'm always at work. work counts as real life, right? 'cause i've basically given up my right arm and leg and firstborn child to my job. it might not even be a real job, i haven't decided yet.

rory culkin

sometimes i'm more okay with not knowing who i am than others. i know i've changed, i can feel myself changing and sometimes it's scary because i said i wouldn't become this person. but here i am and i'm just me and sometimes that's okay and sometimes i don't like it but i'm learning to live with it. i'm trying to be less stressed on the bus when i think i'm late.

i don't know what i want or who i want but i have some ideas i think. like maybe film school so i can tell my stories better. or something else but i don't know yet. i guess i'll just have to see, then, right?

for now...i'm off to toronto for 2 days then back on boxing day to work. i'm tired but excited about things and i don't really know what's going to happen in the new year so i'm just going to go with it. enjoy the holidays, my friends.

hello, october; hello, fall

october is a nice month, weather-wise. the trees are all pretty, i can wear a scarf and a sweater, and retail keeps tricking me into thinking it's almost christmas.

i feel like i've learned a lot about myself, even in just the past two months. my roommates and i might foster a cat, and while this has the potential to turn into total disaster, i'm pretty excited. our house is already a lovenest of insanity, and i feel like anyone who comes over leaves a little bit more crazy than they were when they arrived.

i'm learning to participate more in my own life. i feel like my plan of doing everything this semester is actually happening, and while i have a nervous breakdown about 3 times a week, i also feel really content right now. a little confused, but content because i'm working on fixing the things that are making me confused.

autumn in montreal is beautiful. the wind blows the leaves around but isn't cold (mostly) and i feel possibly like this winter will not kill me. i can't wait to buy a winter coat and some new gloves.

here's a song about how i feel: young blood - the naked and famous

this semester i will do everything

MORE COFFEE, LESS SLEEP!

i will do it all: school, work, eating, drinking.

normally i can't do it all. normally i am very slow and require many hours of sleep therefore limiting me to about one activity a day. but, no! this year/semester (starting small) i will be in a constant state of motion. except right now because i'm in the library where there's internet.

anyways, so far my new life is going great. i am not freaking out about 6am wake ups and i haven't cried in like a week! though i might drop a few tears when i buy $300 worth of textbooks for one class.

Dianna Agron's Hipster/Perfect Tumblr

I think Dianna Agron, star of Glee, pretty blonde flower dress girl, is secretly a hipster.

And I secretly love her for it. (well not so secret anymore).

First, I have to admit that I love Glee. I was about 1 and half seasons late to the party, but whatever. I'm all caught up and a little bit disappointed I'm missing the season finale because I'll be in China.

Second, I have to preface this with the statement that I don't think Dianna Agron is the pretentious douchey too-cool-for-you hipster type. She just likes hipster-y things like film cameras, underground music, the iphone hipstamatic app, and post-modern art like drawings of smiley faces pasted onto a photo of real people.

from dianna agron's tumblr

Ladies and gentlemen and all the genders in between and outside, I present to you:

Dianna Agron's tumblr.

I like Dianna's tumblr because she seem to like a lot of the things I like. Also she makes playlists a lot, which is my favourite, and I've youtubed all the songs and have thus discovered a bunch of new bands/songs because of her. She quotes people like Rainer Maria Rilke, whom Riese loves, and I love what Riese loves.

She doesn't post pictures of other celebrities or shit cut out of Cosmo. She knows the difference between "it's" and "its". There are some behind the scenes pictures of the cast members of Glee, which comes off as special and cute, rather than "look at me I'm famous". She seems excited and maybe surprised that people are paying attention to what she's doing. I don't know. She seems to genuinely want to share with people what she's working on/found/likes.

Here are some songs I really like that I heard from Dianna's tumblr:

+ The Dodos - Fools

+ The Walkmen - In The New Year

+ Radical Face - Welcome Home

+ Atlas Sound - Walkabout

+ Deer Tick - Baltimore Blues No 1

felldowntherabbithole dot tumblr dot com

absence poems #2&3

absence poem #2 (heavy blanket)

in the morning

in the cracks

between my blinds:

snowflakes.

+

absence poem #3 (surrounded)

snow in the suburbs:

the heavy sound

of silence.

i am all alone.

How To Cook Everything

Every day we wake up we promise to be better. We promise ourselves to make changes. We want to love more, love better, try harder. We can do anything we want to.

I will stop worrying about money. I will live better. Maybe not tomorrow, but today at least. That's all I can give. That's all I can promise. For today to be better, at least.

I am not growing in a straight line. I want to learn to love you more.

By now you're probably wondering why this is titled "How To Cook Everything" when there is clearly nothing about cooking here. The answer is that "How To Cook Everything" is a cookbook that is right next to me and I'm avant garde like that. JK.

It's October

Holy fucking shit it's October. Did you think we would ever make it to October? Me neither. Let's talk about it.

So, September was a shitty month. It was shittier than February, which was shitty, and also confusing because because it's the shortest month of the year. Clearly, this plan sucks and should be scraped, it was written from the vantage point of being happy, sometimes I feel like happy people never really "get it", but also sad people are like "wah I'm so misunderstood", so like, whatever. Basically people are confusing, life is a roller coaster, etc. I was happy once, and I'll be happy again. Right now is just a sad time where I want to break things and am moody and angsty a lot. You'll be happy again too, I promise.

But also I didn't really do any of the things I recommended to myself, so maybe the plan does work. BUT ALSO if you're happy it's easy to miss that some of those things are not possible, like did I really think I wasn't going to listen to Bright Eyes? So, I should just shut up. Anyways.

You guys have all been really nice to me and someone even made me a mixtape full of spanish/mexican/latin american songs (I can't tell the difference) and it's kind of AWESOME, which made me want to make a mixtape for October, which I will do and then release it on the interwebs for you to download if you so desire.

Speaking of music, today is Monday, let's listen to a song. Together. As a family.

This is my favourite song from The New Pornographer's 2007 album Challengers and for some reason I've been listening to the album a lot recently.

These adventures in solitude never done.

We thought we lost you. Welcome back.

I've also had a lot of Stephen Dunn lines running through my head:

from "Corners": the places we retreat to, the places we can't bear to be found.

from "Loves": making a temporary sense of the senseless, choreful day.

here is where loveliness can live with failure, and nothing's complete.

i love how we go on.

Fuck September. Here's to October.

Lonely Planet Dot Com

This is where I try to explain why I'm leaving and fail because I come back every day. Also I have an important question to ask you.

++

Hello. As you can see, despite telling you that I am on a hiatus, I am here writing words and you are here reading them. I want to tell you why I decided to take a "hiatus" but I have a problem: I don't know why. You see, I made the decision on a whim. Howevs, I think there are actual reasons inside of me and I'm going to attempt to explain them while I still have your attention.

One of the main reasons, actually, is that my blog feels really sad. This is a really sad place for me, and maybe you can see that sometimes when I write sad things and it's awkward and you don't know what to say and maybe you want to say something or maybe you just want me to stop. When I look at it, I see my sadness reflected back at me. And it's sort of like looking at a mirror when you haven't looked at a mirror for a long time. I recognize myself but it's still kind of shocking. Conor Oberst said: "I'm not surprised, but I never feel quite prepared."

It feels very self-centered. And a blog is totally self-centered. This is a place to write about myself and have a bunch of people read it and talk about me and how well or badly I write. memememe. Sometimes that's okay, but right now I really want to talk to other people. I want other people to talk to me. Instead my feelings get sent into a cybervoid.

++

If you haven't yet surmised from previous posts, I'm going through a super shitty time right now. Despite everything currently being amazing, everything also sucks. You know?

I don't know how to say this, I don't know how to talk about it: my girlfriend broke up with me and I have sad feelings in that area of my heart.

Stephen Dunn said: "I wanted everything or not enough. It was all my fault."

Riese said: "I stood next to someone wearing your perfume, and it made me miss you."

Cat Power said: "I will miss your heart so tender, and I will love this love forever."

++

I want to talk directly to your eyeballs right now. I wish I could name you so that you would know that I am talking to you. I wish we could make eye contact. I'm talking to you, reader. Really. I want to talk to you about things. I want to show you my christmas lights because I think you would like them. I want you to come look for used bookstores with me because I think it would be fun. Sometimes I just like to look at the spines of books. I want to cook you dinner because I'm getting better at cooking and I think that you are the kind of person who would eat my not-so-amazing food. And I don't think you would mind eating on the floor because I don't have a dining table. I want to go to the museum of fine arts with you because I have a pass and it lets me take a friend for free and I want you to be my friend. I want to go see Howl with you and I wouldn't even mind paying because that's how much I like you and also how badly I want to see Howl. I want to write you paper letters. I want to walk up Mount Royal with you because the view is pretty and totally worth it. And maybe I will put my arm around you because even though I don't really like touching, I think you're kind of comfortable. And sometimes it feels good.

I want to ask you things. I want to ask you: how do you do it? What do you do when you are lonely as fuck? And it hurts to be you? And you feel trapped inside your own mind but you know you must keep being you because there is no other person to be? How do you deal with everything all the time? I am really asking you. This is not a rhetorical question. I want to hear from you. How do you cure loneliness?

I want to try and write in my blog at least once a week. But I also want to try a lot of things. I guess, in my own weird way, I'm asking you to help me. And I know that's kind of vague, but like, maybe you could be vague right back. I don't know. If there's something you want to say, I guess this is the time to say it. Maybe you could give me some dinner recipes.

A friend of mine said: "All I want to do is go crazy and have so much fun and have things be perfect like that, but I just feel really fucking sad."

now things feel like the way they did before i met you

various states i am living in: missing, waiting

i haven't had time to write much because i've been trying to figure out how to live again. i feel like i've gone backwards in time a bit. also i've forgotten how to write normal sentences.

i went to the laundromat for the first time. i met three different people there. one guy told me i could go next door to get change. another guy asked me if i got wifi and i told him no, but that was a good thing because i wanted to read my article with no distractions. i went home 5 minutes later without reading anything. then i came back and realized that i had forgotten to put a sock in the washer. i asked a woman if i could just open the door and put the sock in. she said it was probably locked, but to try it. i tried it. it was locked. i shrugged my shoulders and said i have a rogue sock. she shrugged her shoulders and laughed. she left.

i read two pages of my politics in china book. for every quarter, the dryer dries for 5 minutes. i brought my clothes home half dried and opened my window really wide.

what's so easy in the evening in the morning's such a drag

is it weird now that i cry in the morning instead of at night? usually people cry at night because they feel lonely and alone but i've started crying in the morning when i see people getting up to do things and there is all sorts of organized chaos and i just want to sleep a little longer.

have you seen my plant recently? remember when it was this big

now it's this big

and you can see i have new things on my window sill. i have a fake watering can and some seashells. they were gifts and i think they make everything look prettier.

i don't miss anything, 'cause i never had it so good in my life. but i still cry in the morning, and sometimes at night 'cause my room is big and my things own me.

the mask i polish in the evening by the morning looks like shit.

the weatherman's a liar

the evening i spent,

watching tv and watering plants,

writing stories,

washing windows.

it seemed silly to spend a gray day at the beach.

we did it anyway.

kites,

coloured,

blown up balls.

sand between my teeth:

gritty, and wet.

the forecast called for rain.

it never rained.

just the heavy promise,

clouds, thick, threatening,

never following through.

home, or

somewhere.

a bed under a roof.

does it matter where,

even if it feels a little

empty

the absence of rain on the roof:

silence.

++

remember when,

in the lamplight,

our skin touched.

in my room,

nothing illuminated

but your back...

and i keep thinking

if you were here

i'd pull you into me.

and sometimes i just hate

my computer lying next to me.

it is very hard to find a job

if you never leave your house.

my hair is really soft,

does anyone care about that.

when is someone going to pay me

to write a fucking poem.

Dear Diary, Summer's Almost Here

Dear diary,

Last night I went downtown to watch the Habs game and that was only slightly insane, with people climbing trees and streetlights and setting off firework/flare things. I had my last Liberal Arts class ever today. I feel like it's one of those things where I'll wake up in the middle of the night in July and start crying about it and then forget about it later. One more class and an exam and I'm done CEGEP forever unless I failed the english exit exam, which, I mean, like, probs not. I have a $4.50 library fee too. Somehow, in my own stupidity, I managed to forfeit a good 17-18% of my mark in one of my classes so instead of getting a high grade I'm getting a low grade, so that sucks. I'm torn between caring and not caring. Concordia won't accept my acceptance of their acceptance so as of right now I'm still not going to university in the fall but my high school finally called and they're going to mail my transcript to UBC but I doubt I'm going there anyway so that's that. Summer soccer has started so that means the imminent collapse of my lungs as I get back in shape after not moving for an entire year except to run to the bus stop. Oh, and I'm getting paid tomorrow too.

I can't wait till days don't exist anymore and everyday is Saturday. My summer schedule for work is available open - close every day except that one week in June where I go to New York and do this again.

That's all for now, diary,

xoxo,

Emily