hello, october; hello, fall

october is a nice month, weather-wise. the trees are all pretty, i can wear a scarf and a sweater, and retail keeps tricking me into thinking it's almost christmas.

i feel like i've learned a lot about myself, even in just the past two months. my roommates and i might foster a cat, and while this has the potential to turn into total disaster, i'm pretty excited. our house is already a lovenest of insanity, and i feel like anyone who comes over leaves a little bit more crazy than they were when they arrived.

i'm learning to participate more in my own life. i feel like my plan of doing everything this semester is actually happening, and while i have a nervous breakdown about 3 times a week, i also feel really content right now. a little confused, but content because i'm working on fixing the things that are making me confused.

autumn in montreal is beautiful. the wind blows the leaves around but isn't cold (mostly) and i feel possibly like this winter will not kill me. i can't wait to buy a winter coat and some new gloves.

here's a song about how i feel: young blood - the naked and famous

It's October

Holy fucking shit it's October. Did you think we would ever make it to October? Me neither. Let's talk about it.

So, September was a shitty month. It was shittier than February, which was shitty, and also confusing because because it's the shortest month of the year. Clearly, this plan sucks and should be scraped, it was written from the vantage point of being happy, sometimes I feel like happy people never really "get it", but also sad people are like "wah I'm so misunderstood", so like, whatever. Basically people are confusing, life is a roller coaster, etc. I was happy once, and I'll be happy again. Right now is just a sad time where I want to break things and am moody and angsty a lot. You'll be happy again too, I promise.

But also I didn't really do any of the things I recommended to myself, so maybe the plan does work. BUT ALSO if you're happy it's easy to miss that some of those things are not possible, like did I really think I wasn't going to listen to Bright Eyes? So, I should just shut up. Anyways.

You guys have all been really nice to me and someone even made me a mixtape full of spanish/mexican/latin american songs (I can't tell the difference) and it's kind of AWESOME, which made me want to make a mixtape for October, which I will do and then release it on the interwebs for you to download if you so desire.

Speaking of music, today is Monday, let's listen to a song. Together. As a family.

This is my favourite song from The New Pornographer's 2007 album Challengers and for some reason I've been listening to the album a lot recently.

These adventures in solitude never done.

We thought we lost you. Welcome back.

I've also had a lot of Stephen Dunn lines running through my head:

from "Corners": the places we retreat to, the places we can't bear to be found.

from "Loves": making a temporary sense of the senseless, choreful day.

here is where loveliness can live with failure, and nothing's complete.

i love how we go on.

Fuck September. Here's to October.

Turning Loneliness Into Happiness: Another Memo To Myself

Learn how to make something:

food, a shoe box, a good day.

Remember, finally, there are few pleasures

that aren't as local as your fingertips.

Never go to Europe for a cathedral.

In large groups, create a corner

in the middle of the room.

- Stephen Dunn "How to be Happy: Another Memo to Myself"

First, watch this video.

Have you watched it yet? This is probably much better advice than I'm about to give you. It might also be kind of the same, but mine is probably for people who are not already perfect.

What's happening is this: Laura is going to Spain really soon. I am moving out of my parent's house. I am starting a new school in a program with people that I don't know. All my habits are about to change and that's kind of scary because there will be no more shared Alias watching, no more old comforts. Now I will have to find new comforts.

What I mean is this: I'm anticipating a period of loneliness in my life. It could spiral out of control and my life could become a mess as I struggle to deal with all the feelings (ALL THE FEELINGS!) happening all at once, or I could learn "how to be alone".

I expect that you, reader, are also going to experience at least one period of loneliness in the next 5 months, because you are (probably) a human and we are all lonely sometimes. Even Jennifer Beals is lonely sometimes. This is how I imagine my particular loneliness: it starts in my stomach, small, and then works its way up to squeezing my heart so hard that I think my heart must stop beating soon, only it doesn't. It's the opposite of the feeling of hugging your dad when you were 6 and he was superman because he could lift up your bike.

I have a plan to stave off my own loneliness for the winter. I have no idea if it will work. This plan has been formatted to fit me (tv screen). Maybe you can learn something from it, maybe you can help me stay afloat, maybe you will think I'm crazy. I expect that the next 5 months will take a superior mental effort to get through, or at least the first 1-3, and then maybe the next ones will sort of roll along. I don't plan on going through the motions. I plan on fully living my life with expected periods of stress and loneliness and feelings of wanting to go "home" even though "home" is a concept not a place. The point is to contain those periods so I don't spiral out of control into a fit of depression.

Joseph Addison said the grand essentials to happiness are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for. I feel like this is some of the best advice ever and if I find all these things, however small, my plan will succeed. Then in January I can collapse or find a new plan. Like how cell phones work.

This is what I have so far via Joseph Addison:

Something to do: I'm moving and starting school and looking for a new job. It's taking up all my time.

Something to love: we'll get back to that (maybe).

Something to hope for: I'm going to interpret this as "something to look forward to" or "something you hope to achieve in the future". My aunt from Berkeley is coming September 19th. I'm superexcited and I feel like when she comes all my problems will be solved. Basically by September 19th I want to be "settled in" to my "new life".

In a slight tangent, I feel like this is a little bit like The Sims. Remember that game? Either way, it's not a hard concept to grasp. Each Sim has desires and needs and you have to fill them.

Sims need to eat, sit, shower, pee, sleep, have fun, have friends, and enjoy their living space. Make sure all those things are green and your Sim is happy ("happy").

Here is my plan for being the happiest person I can be this fall/early winter in between finding things to hope for.

1. Denial/Thinking Positive/Letting Go

A small part of me wants to see if I can trick myself into actually being in denial that Laura is in Spain for 5 months. The idea is that if I deny it long enough, by the time I'm ready to accept the fact, she might be back on this continent already and I'll be like "oh, that was fast. I hadn't realized you'd left."

Realistically, that is not going to happen. Thus I have to use a combination of denial and "acceptance" to overcome this particular obstacle.

What is the difference between denial and thinking positively? Probably to a psychologist there is a big difference, but to me, they kind of seem the same sometimes. See, thinking positive is just the opposite of feeling those dark feelings. For example, I could be thinking of all the things I'm going to miss when Laura goes away. There are a lot of things, and the idea makes me cry for serious. My plan is to live in complete and total denial of those feelings and force myself to think of little things I am excited to do (see: #6 something to hope for). Maybe it's a dumb idea to pretend that I don't feel lonely when I am, but you know what? I don't want to be lonely. I will tell myself that I'm happy until I'm actually happy. I will use all the psychological force in the world to make myself happy. It's not a life plan but until things change that's what I have to do.

2. Listen to Irrelevant Music

Music touches a sensitive chord with a lot of people. When I'm lonely all I want to do is be alone and listen to sad music. Obviously this is part of the downward spiral.

WHAT I RECOMMEND:

+ Every disney song I can possibly think of (I have been listening to "Kiss the Girl" from The Little Mermaid on repeat for the past 3 days)

+ Lady Gaga (not that she's irrelevant, just that I don't want to cry every time I listen to her)

+ Phoenix

+ some Tegan and Sara

+ most stuff that comes on shuffle

WHAT I AVOID:

+ Bon Iver ("Good Winter"?? Justin Vernon was shut up alone in a cabin in the middle of winter for 3 months writing these songs. These songs were MADE for lonely winters/cold weather/feeling like dying)

+ Iron & Wine

+ most Bright Eyes songs

+ some Death Cab for Cutie

+ "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan

3. Compartmentalize Your Crying

I'm pretty sure I'm going to cry at least once, most likely 10 or more times, in the next few months. Crying is kinda tricky though, 'cause there's good crying and bad crying. Good crying feels good. It's like a weight off your shoulders. Bad crying feels like choking and despair and a downward spiral. Bad crying is crying for no reason.

My advice to myself: It's okay to cry over spilled milk, I think. Let's be real -- "spilling milk" sucks, especially when it's all the milk you had and the grocery store is closed. Can you cry and clean up at the same time? 'Cause then you're okay. I mean, maybe not, 'cause you have no milk. But you must recognize that life goes on.

Also, think about crying with someone rational or else you might take a sudden dive and start crying because your best friend in the 3rd grade called you chubby. It's easy to start crying about something small but then end up because of everything in the whole entire world. It's important to avoid this because it doesn't work with #1 and will probably make you want to listen to the music on your AVOID list.

4. Find Something To Do

This is like that Sims thing. Make sure you eat and pee and sleep. Make sure you have fun! Make sure you see your friends. Do all the things you would make your Sim do, except do them faster. Try to not be bored as often as possible. Distract yourself because then it'll be easier to be in denial about your loneliness. I like to make to-do lists. Currently my list is full of things like "buy a new razor" which I've had there for over a month. I accomplish more pressing things faster. Try something new! Since I'll be living on my own for the first time ever, I have to make all my own meals so I'll be trying a lot of new recipes and experimenting in cooking. If that's too boring for you, join the fencing club. Do your homework.

Avoid being alone. Even if you want to, but especially if you want to. Sometimes when I'm lonely I lie on my bed and stare at my ceiling and if I lie there long enough I begin to trick myself into thinking I don't exist. This is kind of a scary thought. The way to fix this is make contact with the outside world. I don't think it means you have to go out with 20 people for 5 hours. Hang out with one friend for half an hour. Invite them to your house and keep your pyjamas on. If even that's too much, go to the store and ask the employees some questions about whatever it is they're selling. Wear your pyjamas if it makes you feel better. As long as you make a connection with someone. It doesn't have to be a lasting one. Just make sure you still exist. Okay?

5. Something To Like

I'm not entirely sure what Joseph Addison means by "something to love". Does he mean find a person to love? 'Cause that's something that could take, literally, a lifetime. Does he mean a hobby? 'Cause that's kind of like "something to do".

I'm going to assume he means find something that you like more than other things. Sometimes I have to do things that I don't want to do and that would be filed under "something to do" and not "something to love".

Finding something to love sounds to me like finding a serious passion that you might want to pursue as a career or something and I don't think I'm ready to declare that yet, so I'm sticking with something to like. I like to read and take pictures and play the guitar so I'm going to try and do those things in my spare time.

I think the point is to not get caught up with work/school/stress. Do something for you.

6. Something To Hope For

Living in the present is good because we should appreciate the things we have, except sometimes there are shitty days. On those days, we should remember that there's always tomorrow.

Like I said before, I'm really excited for my aunt to visit on Sept. 19th. And after that, I'm not so sure, but I assume there will be something to look forward to. Probably the Phoenix concert in October. November is for some reason considered the month of depression, but it's also the month of my birthday, so there must be something good happening there. And then, you know, we'll see. The most important thing to know is that even if you're lonely now, you will not always be lonely. I won't promise a lot of things, but I will promise you that. There's always something to live for.

"Sometimes you're flush, and sometimes you're bust, and when you're up, it's never as good as it seems, and when you're down, you think you'll never be up again. But life goes on."

- Blow

++

"Why do the stars shine?"

"The stars shine so we can locate each other when we're far away. So I can see, 'I see the big dipper,' and you can say, 'yes, I see it too.'"

Simple Things Can Make You Happy if You Let Them

"In a spirit of mutinous resistance, she climbed the seep grassy slope to the bridge, and when she stood on the driveway, she decided she would stay there and wait until something significant happened to her. This was the challenge she was putting to existence -- she would not stir, not for dinner, not even for her mother calling her in. She would simply wait on the bridge, calm and obstinate, until events, real events, not her own fantasies, rose to her challenge, and dispelled her insignificance."

- Atonement by Ian McEwan

"I'm going to sit here until I feel my soul."

- Matthew Rohrer "MK Ultra"

++

I'm going to sit here until I feel my soul, and then when I feel it I have no idea what I'm going to do. I'm going to sit here and feel apart from my body, feel like I'm two different entities. I can't organize myself.

There wasn't a time when it was easy. If you knew me four years ago you would have known me as angry.

Dear [redacted],

I said I would never write to you again, but here I am. You went away, but you never really went away, if you know what I mean. I used to know you, you used to think you knew me. In my sick, sick way I pulled you in, made you "mine". I thought I wanted you but what I really wanted was for you to have me.

I said that you were me, but in the future. I said if I wasn't so sad I would be just like you. Am I like you now? It's been four years. Who am I now? Am I you?

++

This post began with me trying to say that I used to be really angry when I was 16, but now I'm never angry and it's weird because I'm happy? with a question mark. Then I erased everything and wrote a letter that doesn't make sense. Now I'm listening to a playlist called "Window Blues".

Anyways, the point is that I used to hate everyone and everything because the world was mean. But then things happen, and it's a long story, you might as well read every blog entry I've ever written because that is when things "happened", I mean, this is when I changed. Not because of this blog, but this blog happened to exist when I lived. I don't hate anyone or anything. I still get mad at the STM but I don't get mad at people, rarely, I mean sometimes I still snap at people because I'm human and I get irritated, but I'm not angry, I'm not holding grudges. I feel like I can properly adjust to crisises which is a word I can't spell but I'm not mad about it.

I think I just get sad when other people might get mad. Instead I take it personally, like, if the government is mean I want to cry and sometimes I do, and it hurts me as if they said it to my face. That was just an example because I can't think of anything real right now.

Being positive is really hard, but it's all in your head. I had a therapist who got pregnant and left me but she taught me that it's all in my head and I can be happy if I want to, and I do.

I can't be around srs negativity because it's like a relapse. It makes me feel like I'm 16. It makes me want to write letters to [redacted] and that's dumb because I'm smarter now. I think.

++

"The people we love could never crawl inside of us, even if they wanted to... happy's up to you."

Kind of Like Spitting - "Happy?"

Tomorrow Never Knows What It Doesn't Know Too Soon

Today is the last day of 2009. Tomorrow is going to be an entirely new decade. I don't know what to think. I guess a lot of people are doing year end reviews and whatever. I don't really have the energy to do that because I can't remember things because I'm old now. Jk! Next year I turn 20, so this is my last year as a teenager. Kind of a scary thought.

Yesterday I was going over in my mind every month of 2009 to think of eventful .. events and I couldn't remember what I did for march break. I did nothing.

Significant events of 2009 in chronological order: meeting katrina, losing the hockey finals, working for autostraddle, getting a "real" job, going to new york for the autostraddle rodeo disco, going to new york for the second time, quitting hockey, being back at school and being happy, going to dc for the march on washington.

It's unlikely that I will ever link to the first 3 months of this blog ever again.

Significant events that I expect will occur in 2010:

January 8-13: NYC

January 11: it will be this blog's 1 year anniversary. weird, huh?

January 17: T&S concert

January 20: back to school ("significant"?)

Everything after that is up in the air. I expect to receive a letter or something from UBC either accepting or rejecting my application and from there I guess I'll have to make some decisions. I want to move into an apartment in the spring/summer. I want to make more trips to NY. I want to still have a job to pay for said trips. Maybe I'll go to Europe. Maybe I'll be in love. I don't know what's going to happen. It's kind of exciting. Hopefully my friends still like me in 2010. Maybe some a really good movie will come out. Maybe a really good book will come out, though I feel that's unlikely. Maybe I'll write a really good book.

Anyways. 2009 was a pretty good year and 2010 looks pretty good too. I mean, I think I'm finally growing up, or whatever. And I'm glad I spent 2009 with the people I did. Because I love love. And disobeying everything my eighth grade teacher taught me about starting sentences with "and", "but", and "because". (I'm JKing about that. Grammar lesson to follow in 2010). Happy New Year!

5 Reasons Why I'm Getting Up in the Morning

Sometimes it's really hard to get up in the morning, especially if you're tired 'cause you went to bed 3 hours ago. I hate mornings but I like to be positive about things, so these are 5 reasons why I get up in the morning. Besides seeing some people I might call "friends". They're pretty! Also I love love and want to be happy even when I'm tired. Being happy can be tiring though sometimes. But you know what? I wake up and think OMG maybe one of these 5 things will happen to me today! [actually number 1 tends to happen everyday or else I would never get up 'cause I'd be dead. Also number 2 is a 24/7 machine and if I didn't show up in the virtual office tinkerbell would attack me.]

Sidenote that has nothing to do with happiness: if you're on the left side of the escalator, and you're standing, I hate you. Move.


5. History with Albanese
Probably the main reason why I sit through an hour and a half of science is because history is next. I have a confession: I wanted Gesche Peters to be my favorite teacher forever, but Albanese is so good that I am involuntarily switching teams.

4. Time
I quit hockey and now I have so much time for everything! By that I mean I have time to do things I want to do and not things that other people want me to do. It's very refreshing. I feel like I might hand in some assignments on time this semester.

3. Three Things Supposedly Coming in the Mail for Me

OMG guys I won something in Autostraddle's summer scavenger hunt contest*!

Laneia is sending me a prize!

I ordered a 3 t-shirt special from 410BC! Three shirts for $25! Too bad the special is over! Ha ha!

Riese is sending me my film and T&S hoodie I left in her apartment and totes forgot about! SO EXCITING

2. Autostraddle
How do you seperate your real life friends from your online friends when your online friends become your real life friends? HELLO WEB 3.0. THIS IS THE FUTURE. I love everyone.

1. The Air Just Tastes So Damn Good
Cause it feels good to breathe freely.

++

*no fish were harmed in the taking of this photograph

A Lesson in Geography: How to Navigate the Comment Section

[note from editor 2/20/09: I KNOW PEOPLE HAVE READ THIS they keep telling me at school, still there are no comments, srsly kids, I'm disappointed in you. I'm leaving this up so you can redeem yourselves.]
Hi! It appears there is a problem with the comments on my blog, i.e, there are none (jk, there are a few). After talking with a few people, I have discovered the root of this problem and the root of this problem is not that you don't love me, it's that you just don't know how to show your love! So today's post is HOW TO LEAVE A COMMENT therefore after these very detailed instructions I expect millions of (nice, loving, delusional) comments that are hopefully not anonymous (but if you want to say something mean and are too afraid to write your name then that's okay too). I even put pictures because I'm bored and though I believe most of you are intelligent human beings, the fact that you couldn't figure out how to leave a comment worries me (I love all of you very, very much in spite of this).




Read the blog post. Stop. Contemplate. When you have finished that, click on "comments", like in the picture. Easy so far? Wait! It gets harder!

Next: A new window will pop up, which's great 'cause now you can follow the instructions at the same time!

The next part is a little tricky because it requires some creativity on your part! First, think about how condescending I'm being right now. Does it make you angry? Do you want to share your opinion? Yes you do. Where it says "leave your comment" and there is a blank white space, type your thoughts and emotions like it was your diary.











Great. On the right of the pop up window there is a scroll bar. Scroll down, all the way down. It will say "CHOOSE AN IDENTITY" and you have the following choices:

1. Google/blogger [if you have this, you probably don't need to be reading this]
2. OpenID [I don't know what this is.]
3. Name/URL [omgz you don't need a blogger account to leave a comment?!!1? I can write my name?!]
4. Anonymous [which no one is going to click on, also I realized I spelled anonymous wrong in my fake comment]

YOU WILL CHOOSE number 3.



Also, I took these pictures while signed in and writing this post, so don't get confused by the word verification. Yours will look something like this. Okay? Okay. All you have to do is type in the random letters they give you! I know you can do it!



Now we're almost done. Click Publish Your Comment and voila! It'll be beautiful, like you.

So now that you know how to do it you can start practicing on this post.

I love all of you, goodnight.










"I don't know what notes you want to hear played, can't think what lines you'd like me to sing or say, not sure what subjects you want mentioned. So just pause and add your own intentions, right here."
-Okkervil River "The Latest Toughs"

We Are Dawson: Dream Big (Day 30)

I'm pretty sure the people this is written for are not going to read this, but then again I'm not really sure who I'm writing this for.

Montreal, I'm starting to like you. East Coast, you're showing me a better side. Maybe it was Washington, it must've been Washington, it must've been the spring weather, the buildings and streets which were so concrete and so cold but so refreshing. Maybe it's the Montreal night life, maybe it's someone I met, maybe it's Dawson, maybe it's mememe, or the weather, or the start of something new. Montreal, I'm starting to appreciate you [unintentional rhyme].

I think I love and hate that I didn't play the final game of the tournament. I think the people that need to read this are not going to read it, then again I'm not sure who those people are. I think I managed to hold it all together, I know I cheered a lot, I know I was positive, I know that it tore me up inside. When Rougeau sat next to me and said that This was it, we need a big shift from you, Choo, come on, I nodded and didn't say anything cause I knew there was no next shift for me. And she went on and she came back and I was still sitting there, the same place I sat all game.

I guess I should've seen it coming, right, not like I didn't work hard or played badly, no, this is what I signed up for, being a rookie and all. This is what I agreed to and I knew it, I'm surprised it came so late in the year and I wish it had been any other game and I wish so many things about this but it's over now. We won. I did my part, the best that I could, 'cause it's no use crying, and I won my own battle by overcoming that. I fought my own battle on our own side and I won in my own way.

And it's not a question of deserving or punishment, no, there are people who deserved it more than I did at other times than these. There are times when I should've been benched and I wasn't. Those things don't matter, it's a small step on a larger scale. I know that I am one of many, or one of a privileged group, and this was not a defeat on my part but a victory for all of us.

Only one person has said something to me about it, and I appreciate it more than anything. The tournament was a challenge, for us as a team and for each of us as individuals. It's nice that mine was acknowledge, if only by one person. It means something because others have failed in my position. So, thank you, you know who you are. And I don't think you'll read this, but at least this time I know who this is for.

Montreal, I'm happy to be back. It felt like a long time, five days. I know I'll want to leave again soon, but for now, for now.. you're alright, Montreal.

"Here is where loveliness can live with failure, and nothing's complete.
I love how we go on."
-Stephen Dunn "Loves"

How to Succeed in Two Easy Steps

School is fast approaching. It is, it is. I'm sort of excited because once school starts it means it's that much closer to being finished which means that I can once again spend the summer attempting to get employed or else live in solitude and get fat. I'm also not excited about school for the main reason that I won't sleep for the next three months, I'm not joking, the insomnia has already started. School stresses me out. My hair is weird today, it's doing this curly thing at the back I don't like.

Anyways, I'm totes ready to get out of CEGEP and go to university. I'm planning ahead, I want to succeed. I realized that if I applied to university for the fall semester I wouldn't get in with my marks, which is a kind of unpleasant, unwelcome thought, and has thus spurned me with a desire to get! good! grades! this semester. I mean, I always want to get good grades, but more than usual this time, really. This is like a new years resolution which will probably go out the window the second I have to wake up at 6 am to catch a bus full of sweaty suits and sit through classes trying to pay attention and eat at the same time and if it's Monday, Tuesday, or Thursday then I'll be at practice thus exerting more energy that by the time I get home it's hard to lift a fork to shovel food in my mouth let alone open a textbook and use my brain which has probs turned into mashed potatos. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I am going to fail life. JK that's not what this blog is about. This post is supposed to be about how I'm going to succeed this semester. I will! get! good! grades! because my life depends on it and if that's not a hot rod up the ass then I don't know what is, besides maybe an actual burning stick of iron.

First of all, I'm writing this is so that I know I at least thought about succeeding and considered my future. Originally I had planned on writing five ways I would succeed this semester, except I can only think of two things which just goes to show how prepared I am. Though I figure doing shit like this is how I'm going to begin to not fail at life, you know? Unless I get distracted trying to write blog posts when I should be doing homework, then this will just be a big fail, like um, this blubber seal thing.

1. Positive Attitude

Uh.. lame. But seriously, how can I get through a semester and get! good! grades! without a positive attitude? I know if I don't want to work, then I won't. Therefore, I must always want to work, and I will always want to work if I'm motivated and I get the feeling that I CAN DO IT. You know what I should do? I should watch this before doing homework, besides helping me procrastinate, it inspires me to take over the world. yeswecanyeswecanyeswecanyeswecan!!!

2. Not Procrastinate

This is obviously the hardest thing ever, it's going to be my downfall, my reason for not getting enough sleep and for failing and then failing some more.

How to "not procrastinate"? I have no clue. Tips, anyone? Hints? I have never not procrastinated. Maybe I should like, do my homework at school during breaks instead of sleeping. This is hard, especially since my brain has problems functioning at all hours of the day except from 11:55 am to 12:00 pm* which is a really small window, and checking my schedule, I only have a break at that time on Monday's which effectively rules out doing things properly since it takes me five minutes to get to the library anyway.

The only third thing I can think of to help me succeed is to actually do my work, but I figure that's pretty obvious and redundant. Clearly I don't know anything about being organized, I just wing it half the time and go with the flow. Maybe success is one of those "make it up as you go along" things, like this blog.

So yeah, that's how to fail -- I mean -- succeed. For the low, low price of $20 I will share my three other secrets to success, guaranteed to work so I won't need to give you your money back. Batteries not included.


*Just kidding, I don't actually know when my brain functions properly, probably never.

"All of the things that go to make heaven and earth are here.
All of the things that go to make heaven and this.
Success was survival and kid, it still is."
- The New Pornographers "All of the Things That go to Make Heaven and Earth"