Chaos / Accidental Physical

I never thought I'd ever know -- you know --

life --

I never thought I'd have it all figured out.

I never thought happiness was a thing that would come to me.

I never thought I'd ever know -- you know --

just knowing, like, absolutely,

any one thing.

I never thought I'd ever be quite sure.

I mean, this is just to say, I still think this way.


It rained the day I went to Alcatraz. Not real rain, more like mist. Everything was wet and foggy. Well, that's San Francisco for you. Sometimes. I took pictures in black and white.


There was a time when my feelings were directly connected to my fingers and it would all come pouring out. There was a time when I wrote without my own critical eye. And it was good. Remember. Now it's a journey through a checklist of metaphors, narration, imagery, concrete imagery, quantity, point of view, conceit, no abstractions, and sense, does it make sense. And the words don't quite make their way out.


Summer is a time for getting drunk. But I want to get drunk in October. And I want it to be cheap and easy. I want to shiver. I want to be looking for a good time do you know when I last looked for a good time. I don't know when. I want to get drunk in October and I want the sky to be black and I want the beer to be disgusting because it's two for $6 Boreale and I want to dance in a dirty hipster bar with young dirty hipsters wearing neon tights and neon sunglasses to dirty hipster DJ playing LMFAO before LMFAO was cool I want to dance like I don't give a fuck that I'm dancing with my backpack on like I don't give a fuck that I'm dancing like I don't give a fuck like I don't give a fuck like I don't give a fuck 'cause I don't give a fuck.


And the words and the words and the words. They're never ending. And they don't quite make sense. There's no need to try and piece them together.


Always sitting there trying to name the feelings. Separate them, label them, explain them. And always the questions when I'm not ready. I don't know yet. And I might not ever know. Maybe leave me alone forever. Maybe leave me alone indefinitely. I can't articulate. I'm not ready.

And I am so spent. And I am so exhausted. And I can't see anymore. Beyond myself. I can't say just what I mean. I don't mean anything. I can't articulate.

And now I shrug my shoulders. And now I am alone. Why articulate?



All we want, baby, is everything.


This body grew like a tree from the earth. This body wants food. This body wants water. This body wants touch. This body wants space to stretch its legs. This body is sorry about some things but not about others. This body is sorry for pushing Tino in first grade gym class but not sorry about being angry. This body is physical. This body and other bodies. This body and the accidental physical. This body is full of insides and outsides. This body is full of spaces for the metaphorical abstract. This body is science. This body is art. This body bleeds every 27 days. This body has a literal heart. This body remembers some things but not others. This body remembers the taste of another body that had just consumed beer and marijuana. This body does not know what it has forgotten. This body and the accidental physical. This body cannot make sense of what is not part of it. This body can count. This body is not sure if it's put its feelings in the right place. This body cannot actually see inside itself. This body does not know what's going on inside itself. This body can see outside. This body can't see in the dark. This body is protein. This body is carbohydrates. This body is vitamins. This body created itself. What is this body but a tree grown from the earth, and every spring there is rebirth.







What happened to the days.

What happened to the things I had to say and then forgot.

Today is the day I listened to "Good Woman" by Cat Power for the 121st time.

I'm Not Really Sure How True This Is

Sometimes I go through a phase where I don't write anything in my blog which is kind of happening right now. I think about writing in my blog a lot but then I can't think of anything to say. Don't worry though, here are some other things I haven't been keeping up with lately:

+ my budget (still haven't completed January yet)
+ my laundry
+ my journal
+ reading books

There is an explanation though and the explanation is that I have ADD. You think the above paragraph is short but it actually took me 11 minutes to write because I had to clean my nails in between every sentence. Is that gross? Sorry. It's my ADD.

I'm not entirely sure how accurate this "diagnosis" is because if I have ADD then probably everyone has ADD, but I am also of the opinion that everyone DOES have ADD and so do I, but because everyone has it then it's not actually a thing (except for people who actually have like real ADD) and therefore we should just start selling Adderall in pharmacies next to the Midol so that everyone can be super stimulated without period cramps and we'll be really productive and stop global debt, poverty, etc.

Oh no wait is that screwed up logic? Am I just talking out of my ass? Hmm. I'm bored.

i'm so happy i have my friends

me: do you ever worry that you are actually an insane, irrational person

n: i pretty much talk myself off of that cliff daily.

//

me: if i go to topman and buy things what kind of person does that make me

r: a sophisticated one

cheap honesty I.

MY DEAR FRIENDS, YOU ARE FUCKED. I LOVE YOU FAR TOO MUCH.

++

dec 6 2012

it would be really irresponsible for me to work 6am-3pm tomorrow right. and i should not be swayed by whoever picks up the phone

you cannot, emily. you HAVE to write your paper. seriously

do you know what it is. it is because if i don't go to work i don't leave the house. i need to go to therapy for my work related issues.

yeah....

i said no but i feel sad about saying no. i think i will take a shower.

maybe you should sign up for a hobby related class.

++

thinking of you listening to neko case

omg love neko case. what song are you listening to.

polar nettles

++

do you know any straight girls who wear men's underwear

random. i don't think so.

do you know any gay girls with long nails

yes...

...

.....

slash laughing alone in my room

did you finish your sound project?

i am finishing it now. so close. hence the hysteria. i keep getting interrupted by oscar who whines every time i close the door. then he stares at me when i open it

my roommate's cat used to do that. it made me hate him.

++

is darren being understanding?

yes he is amazing. he said he won't deduct marks as long as i hand it in while he's still marking the other papers.

wtf he is jesus. my idol.....

i know right

at least it's more generous than my 5 hour extension. ....which i didn't make.

++

dec 7 2012


i'm like moses: my body turns coffee into water.

some time later....

my shoulder feels dislocated

hola moses, mi examen final es hoy. then i am SO DONE. when are you finished?

tuesday

saweet. i smell a party.

well i was supposed to be mostly done this tuesday, but then i handed in everything late because of a mental breakdown and i'm still writing an essay because i'm a retard.

this is why we're friends, FYI.

i know i was thinking of you and how you're probably suffering just like me. we need to get out soon.

just found out my exam is 12 pages. 12 pages of spanish madness. officially getting off my phone.....now. see you when your social life finds you.

++

i got your other texts this morning because i was in bed..........i go to bed really early.

i know, because you wake up really early. i have 730 words written.

++

why are you calling me?! slash i bet it's a pocket dial.

one: i love how shocked (appalled?) you are that i might call and, two: it was a pocket...or book dial - i dropped my book on my phone b/c it sounded like one of the babies was dying in her sleep

you told me you never call people. for 2 seconds i felt really special. i hope the baby is ok.

indeed you are special, regardless. the baby turned out just to be snoring in the most old man way ever.

++

i am in a van, cramped up against the back because the self-entitled man in front of me put his seat far back. i feel like throwing up on the back of his head.

you should put your knees on his chair

ha, that is my plan.

damn those self entitled men. and the patriarchy.

you have no idea how much i hate men. sometimes i forget but it is always there, just simmering below the surface......probably only 5 percent kidding.

one day i will make you talk about your lesbian escapades....

one day.

soon.

++

dear darren, essay writing is going slowly because i am taking pictures of myself spooning my cat.

dear dr. cahill, your paper is still not in but i did spend an hour reading about how katy perry isn't a feminist and crafting an erudite facebook reply.

++

it's gotten to the point where i'm literally just collaging things other people have said about gail scott together and the only things i have written are "she argues that..."

hmmm....i suspect that is not going to work well....for darren....

i hope he appreciates my research. i did say that julie doucet and gail scott are both from montreal.

i just literally laughed out loud and i am in a van full of strangers.

how is that going by the way. are you almost there?

we are more than half way to toronto and i made the self-entitled asshole move his chair. he was rude (INDIGNANT) about it, if you can imagine (he has what is known as a "bucket seat" and so he is not even sharing/sitting beside someone!). 

well he is an idiot. those are the best seats.

yeah. basically that was the look i gave him and then i kneed his seat for extra effect.

you're the best.

i knooooowww..my bum is so NUMB. ....my text was in response to the seats being the best - i don't think my numb bum makes me the best. just so you don't think that.

++

I HAVE 3 HOURS TO WRITE 500 WORDS

YOU CAN DO THAT!

AHHH

half of that can be your conclusion!

the essay honestly makes no sense. it's kind of funny. at least i choose to see it that way

++

is it legal to rent an apartment in another country if you don't have a working visa (and you're not working)

no. but lots of people do it.

why is it not legal?

um i don't know. i think because you aren't doing anything there? maybe i am wrong but i don't know.... i guess if within a limited time...maybe?

hm. will do more research at a later date.

++

1,743 words i am so close i am so close i'm going to cry

yesssss. i knew you could do it!

i'm excited but slightly worried because this literally two essays about different things ... except that they are both from montreal!!! that sentence didn't even make sense.

WHAT THE MOTHER OF CRAP HAS HAPPENED TO MY DESK/LIFE

Not pictured: entire contents of wardrobe on bed.

Safe to say my life is in disarray. Is the semester over yet?

Portrait of a Sweet Orange

Citrus sinensis: the Sweet Orange,

not to be confused with the Citrus aurantium:

a bitter fruit.

Oranges are a vital source of Vitamin C.

The orange blossom is white.

Fallen blossoms are dried and used to make tea.

In the produce section of the grocery store

I watched a child sitting in a cart reach over the metal bars

and pick up a large orange. He held it in his hand

and then he bit it.

Apples are apples and oranges are oranges.

Nothing rhymes with orange.

The Sweet Orange does not occur in the wild.

conversation, 2:39pm, wednesday

emily, did you write your paper?

of course not.

what have you been doing for the past 3 hours?

nothing. i made an internet purchase.

you have not moved from that chair for 3 hours.

i found the cat in the bathroom. lying next to the heater.

write your paper.

i can't.

why not.

i am defunct.

you are not.

yes i am.

no.

yes.

this is stupid.

yes.

write your paper.

in a second.

how many cups of coffee have you had?

2.

now you are feeling insane.

yes.

too much coffee.

no.

drink more?

soon.

can't move?

no. defunct.

not defunct.

just dying. the cat has a cold i think.

maybe you should clean the apartment.

i can't.

why not?

i have to write a paper.

write your paper.

write my paper.

write it.

write write write.

write it!!!!!

typing now. type type type.

it's a cat! i'm a cat

cat cat cat

we're a cats

there's a cat in the house

cactus

this chicken used to be frozen until i fried it in a pan. chicken for lunch. inside a tortilla wrap with lettuce.

i used to be a human but now i am just a thing the cat uses to get somewhere else.

it used to be sunny but now it is rainy.

it used to be rainy but now it is sunny.

what the fuck?

this page used to be blank until i wrote these words.

my mind is blank.

Food In My Apartment Right Now

+ one egg

+ three boxes of crackers

+ five boxes of cereal

+ ten boxes of tea

+ five cans of tuna

+ five bags of pasta

+ two packs of tortilla wraps (totalling 20 tortilla wraps)

+ two large bags of raisins

+ two bags of sugar

+ two bags of flour

+ three cartons of a vegan vanilla soy beverage

+ three boxes of microwavable popcorn (totalling 9 bags of popcorn)

+ one bag of chips

+ two packs of fish-shaped crackers

+ one pack of ramen

+ three bagels

+ two loaves of bread

+ two tomatoes

+ one banana

+ one avocado

+ one kiwi

+ two packs of banana flavoured tofu (?)

+ one macaroni pie (?) (roommate's words?)

+ one million patties (?) (roommate's words?)

+ one carton of milk

+ two containers of plain yogurt

+ and more

moving week

today: work, pack, make pizza for dad's bday dinner

tomorrow: work, move into new apartment

monday: find a grocery store that's open, unpack

tuesday: school, get internet set up, don't panic

wednesday: work, school

thursday: school, work

friday: NOTHING! YAY!

satuday: workworkworkworkwork

Rainbow Zebra

A Poem I Wrote On The Bus

"Realise tes rèves" the sign says

with a picture of the sky

because dreams are in the sky and the sky's

the limit

but we've been on mars so

that proves that mars exists

or something

or that we exist

are there dreams on mars

dreams people had but then forgot

when they woke up

is there anything else up there

my old schoolbooks

the other half of this pair of socks

my childhood perhaps

which i misplaced once

and never found again

much like

i assume

the people who left

footprints on the moon

and what about the moon-

what about the moon?

Things Americans Have That Canadians Don't & Vice Versa

Things America Has That Canada Doesn't

1. Chick-Fil-A

2. Target

3. Hollywood

4. Biscuits

5. Cheap alcohol

6. Sarah Palin (ha ha!)

7. "do they put thousand island dressing on cheeseburgers in canada and call it 'special sauce'" - laneia

8. "specifically i'd say animal-style fries from in-n-out is a thing we have that you definitely do not have" - laneia

9. fried pickles

10. The opposite of the metric system


Things Canada Has That America Doesn't

1. Smarties (real Smarties, not those lame-ass rocket things), and Coffee Crisp

2. Good maple syrup

3. Bagged milk

4. The pretty side of the Niagra Falls

5. Thai Express

6. "A population of french people with indestructible arteries hardened by generations of eating poutine, tourtiere, and bacon" - terracottatoes

7. A place where people can still roller blade outside and not be judged for being in the wrong decade because Canada is actually just emerging from the 1990s now.

8. Degrassi

9. Nanaimo bars (Ok the US might have these now but they were invented in Canada)

10. Anne of Green Gables

I intentionally avoided political things like 'same-sex marriage', so don't suggest that, but please, feel free to make other suggestions.

New Project: This Is A Story About You And Me

I'm starting a "Creative Writing" project. So far not many words have been written but we'll see what happens. I'll be interviewing basically anyone I know who consents to be interviewed, about whatever they want to talk about, or I might have something specific I want to discuss with them. Whatever inspires me is what what I'll take out of the interview, and it might turn into a prose poem, a piece of fiction, a sort of journalistic profile of a person, or anything at all. There aren't really any constraints I want to put around this. It's a challenge for me to experiment with different kinds of writing and also a challenge for me to talk to other people in a real way, more than just a 5 minute conversation while we wait for the elevator or something.

It's also incredibly interesting what you can learn about someone just by asking them simple questions that might not come up in every day conversation.

Anyways, it's called This is a Story About You & Me, put it in your RSS feed or don't, and more information is on the site if you're still curious.

Nobody Cared About The Giant Goldfish In My Bathtub

Last night I had a dream that a giant goldfish came out of the drain while I was in the shower in a giant 4-story home where I lived on the 2nd floor with a couple with a baby, but nobody cared about the giant goldfish because somebody related to me had just given birth to a baby and everybody (and by everybody I mean my cousin and this girl I used to work with?) was all obsessed with the baby. I was in my towel like, "you guys, a GOLDFISH. In the BATH." And they were like "BABIES BABIES BABIES BABIES".

image via autostraddle's prop 8 recap, a thing totally unrelated to my dream

What does this mean in my life. Please advise.

Cats Have The Best Life

Cats have the best life.

laura wooley's housemate's cat edward

They spend like 90% of their time napping in the sun, and the other times they are either eating, playing, or nuzzling you for attention.

Cats basically own us. They will get bored and leave you to do their own thing, but you will still feed them when they're hungry. And pet them. And snuggle with them.

I wish I were a cat. Then everyone would snuggle me and feed me and I would be easily amused by string.

edward the odd

meow! We are all made of kittens.

come away with me and we'll kiss on a mountaintop

sometimes you are sitting on the third floor of an apartment in a rocking chair watching the snow fall listening to norah jones, and sometimes you are walking home at 5:30 with your collar up high thinking about fresh bread.

sometimes you can only hear out of one ear and it's hard to concentrate.

"run, don't walk," laneia said.

sometimes it feels nice not to think about anything at all.

How People Find My Blog

You guys, I'm worried. What is poilet fuking. In other news, this would explain why "the hairline receding" gets so many hits.

However, none of mine are quite as bad as Allie's from Hyperbole and a Half.

How To Make The Perfect Sandwich

ingredients:

+ 2 slices of bread

+ cheese (I like to use goat, cheddar, and jarlsberg)

+ tomato

+ onion

+ avocado (optional)

+ balsamic vinegar (optional)

1. Do whatever you do to prepare to fry an egg. For me this means olive oil, a pan, and a stove set to medium-ish heat. On the side somewhere, prepare your sandwich.

2. Fry your egg. Now this is an important part: I like my eggs over-easy with a runny yolk, but in this sandwich you can't have a runny yolk because it'll just be too messy. So I usually let the yolk harden (is that the right term?) so that when I put it in the sandwich and press down it doesn't explode everywhere. I like to put salt, pepper and dried basil leaves on my egg.

(note: I also put chili flakes here because I was feeling dangerous. Also I suck at cracking eggs.)

3. Remove the egg from the pan and place it in your sandwich. I usually put a little bit of balsamic vinegar on the egg now.

4. Grill your sandwich until the cheese melts or you get too hungry.

5. Eat it!

Things That A Computer Is Without Internet

+ an expensive notepad

+ an expensive stereo

+ an expensive chess board

+ a small DVD player

+ an expensive post-it

+ an expensive calendar

"i hate it when i lose internet and my facebook machines just becomes a typewriter that plays dvds" - kcdanger

(i was just without internet in my apartment for about a week and it was very strange but very refreshing. these were basically the only things i used my laptop for during that time.)