The Year in Review: Sometimes I Disappeared, But I Want To Come Back

It's that made up time of year when I decide to look back at everything that has made me who I am up until this very point of writing. These times come for me usually in that gray area when one thing ends and another begins; right now it's school ending and summer beginning. In a week I'll be on a plane to China. I think that maybe this is important because it's the exact same thing I did last year.

I'm sitting in my parents' kitchen right now, drinking tea and eating stale raisins. The weather is cloudy and I think it rained this morning. I just got back from A-Camp on Sunday night and I don't really know what to do with myself. It's a lot quieter here.

The thing is, this year, I don't need to ask myself "how did you get here?" because I already know that inertia got me here. Does that make sense? What I mean is that I didn't do anything at all to get me anywhere. In September I thought to myself that I was a whole new person with realness, tangibility, and form and I stepped outside of my brain and decided I was going to crash into life.

But it turned out that life was just work. And I threw myself into that with all the force I could muster because it made me feel like a real person. It made me feel needed and important and like I was really doing something, even if it wasn't actually important at all. I could say to people "I'm working" and it could be a thing that people understood. You know? It felt normal. Like, God, I'm just so normal, going to normal work all the normal time. And I felt all the normal feelings, which is to say, I really didn't feel anything at all.

What really happened is that everything else in my life fell away. I wanted time to "focus on myself" but it turns out that that meant ensuring that I got the proper amount of sleep every night. Everything was just fine in that fine way, where I didn't cry I just sort of despaired when things were sad and then did whatever it was that I had to do. I believe they call this "going through the motions" and Buffy Summers sang about it on her hit TV show "Buffy the Vampire Slayer".

I feel proud of myself because I made + saved enough money to pay for my entire trip to China all by myself. All the money that I'm using is entirely mine that I worked for, and financial independence is something that I've always wanted so this feels like a big step for me. It's okay to feel good about that, right? Money makes me so uncomfortable and I wish that everybody had a lot of it or that nobody had any at all. But I guess this isn't really about money.

It's about how I closed up and disappeared and became a non-entity. I worked a lot but it was only about money in the sense that I needed just enough to pay rent and keep some in my bank account. I worked a lot so I could hold on to something that seemed to make sense to everyone else ("work") and I didn't let myself think about the other things that I wanted. It felt good to have a team at work, to be known and to feel solid. That was sufficient.

But before this year, my life wasn't about sufficiency. It was an overflow of feelings all the time and I cried a lot and that was a good thing. I wrote words and people read them and the words came from a real place in my heart. I stopped writing this year. My blog is almost empty and so is my journal because I just didn't have anything to say. There were no feelings that were pounding on my heart's door, demanding to be let out.

It's kind of the worst thing, to stop wanting. I don't believe for a second that I've ever stopped wanting, but I took desire and covered it up. Every time it knocked it was a faraway sound that I could shut out so easily, pretend it belonged somewhere else. I muted my desire to be anything, to be even a person. Was I a person who wrote? I had no beliefs, no identity, no passion. I didn't want to participate in anything, go anywhere, meet anyone. There was nothing for me to write.

I don't know if it was fear. I don't know what it was. I think it was just a mistake I made about myself, which I am okay with admitting. I think if I could go back I would love everyone a little harder, because I wasn't a very good friend, and I'm sorry about that.

Going to A-Camp reminded me of the person that I was when I first started working for Autostraddle. And everyone remembered me as that person, which made me want to be that person again. I miss her, that girl who was scared but brave, in love with everything and everyone. It reminded me of a time when I really lived, or something, whatever living is. I mean, it was living with other people, being comfortable in my own skin, and letting things hurt. Life doesn't have to hurt if you don't let it, but then I don't think you'll feel any feelings at all. I mean, you have to let them all in.

by Robin Roemer
this is a weird picture of me and I don't even mind

This is what A-Camp did, what Autostraddle does: it gives you confidence to be who you are. If there's anything I learned from Autostraddle for the past 3 years it's that you have to let yourself feel. Your feelings are beautiful and you're beautiful and god it sounds so corny, but that's what it is, you are beautiful and you need to let yourself feel things because I'm going to start feeling things again and it's all going to be okay if we have feelings together.

I think maybe the whole point of this blog was my weird way of trying to tell you who I am, even though I don't know who that is. I'm figuring it out piece by piece, and the Autostraddle team has been a big part of that. Sometimes I disappeared, but I want to come back. I don't really know what that means, sorry.

I don't know. I guess this is just my life and these are the things that have happened to me and the things that I have done. I'm not going to say that I'm not going to hide anymore because I will probably still hide sometimes. But I know a little better now what I want and who I want to be and I think I can be that person.

by Robin Roemer

I know you can't see these people's faces, but I want you to know they are among the most beautiful faces you will ever see.

I am humbled, once again, by the magic of Autostraddle. I want you to know that I knew these things about myself before, I knew that I had disappeared this year and become a blank slate of nothingness. But I guess A-Camp filled me up again, reminded me of there's a rosy complexion to my cheeks.

gonna take you for a ride on a big jet plane/pre-departure panic

tomorrow i go to china.

in true fashion, i've packed everything at the last minute.

but it's okay because i've been mentally packing for the last week.

on the campus that i'm staying at, breakfast costs $0.50. apparently.

i feel sad because laura wooley left my house today, but i'm excited for breakfast. i mean, i hope someone will eat breakfast with me.

also it's entirely possible that i will not have access to most of the sites i use because of the great firewall of china. obvs i can't go 2 months without contacting north america, so i'll get laura to post some stuff that i send her via email. i make laura do so many things for me, i should buy her a present of 6 pairs of underwear.

in all this rush of goodbyes and "don't forget this", i feel like i'm going away forever. sometimes i forget that i'm coming back. like i'll be home in two months. and i'm thinking there are stores in beijing that will sell me all the things i forget at home, probably for a cheaper price. it'll be okay, you know?

everything is different at night. i need to go brush my teeth.

Some Pictures From Last Summer

Sometimes I'm a little slow to develop pictures. This time I'm pretty much 9 month late. Here are some pictures of trees and shit from last summer. They were all taken with my lomography camera.

these are trees and sky that looks like paper

this is what my backyard used to look like:

these are some buildings in new york city

this is laura on the swings

this is me at the park when i was 5

Identity Crisis #2: Hair

The last time I got a haircut was in the middle of August on top of a roof by professional hair cutter & stylist Laura Wooley Mammoth and I was half naked. Look, here is a picture from that same day.

my hair stylist and I are closepersonalfriends.

I usually get my hair cut every ~3 months as my hair grows fast and it is also short which means that I have to cut it in order to avoid the shaggy dog look. But this year I moved out of my parents' house and September, October, November, and parts of December happened and by that I mean my life disintegrated to the point where I was a frumpy mess of clothes lying in bed wondering if I actually existed. In between this and trying to spend as little money as possible, I seriously considered letting my hair grow out. I have not had long hair since I was 17. Mostly every time I think about growing my hair out, I think about the shaggy dog phase and then decide that I don't want to do it. In November I asked for a haircut for my birthday, which I didn't get. I don't remember what I was thinking at the time. I think I just couldn't be bothered to get a haircut/didn't want to spend money on it/wanted my professional hair stylist to do it until I decided that I wanted to grow my hair long enough for a full ponytail and then cut it off.

Okay, most of that is bullshit.

Here's what I noticed when I first cut my hair back in grade 11: people started calling me 'sir'. I have never been called 'sir' until I cut my hair. I have to make a bit of a stretch to see where people get confused with my gender, but I can see it. I get it, kind of. One might say that I have an androgynous face. I don't know. Some people are surprised when I tell them people call me 'sir', some people are not.

I also noticed that when I got a fauxhawk I got called 'sir' a lot more, especially at work. This led me to wear v-necks and boots with heels more often.

You see, this is the truth: part of me is afraid I am growing my hair out because I want to "pass". I'm afraid I'm doing it for the wrong reasons. Semi-consciously I've tried to pass at work because let's face it, it's fucking awkward when customers realize you're not actually a 'sir'. I've spent most of my life wanting to fit in with the "normal" kids, but I could never wear the dresses or heels or 234 different kinds of make up. But I could have the long hair. Right? A teeny tiny part of me wants to be normal.

But really, I want to be a person who is not afraid to be herself. Sometimes I am. I want people to recognize that there is more than one way of looking like a girl. I don't want to pass.

On the other hand, I want people to see that lesbians can have long hair.

On the other foot, I don't want my hair to be my identity. Does anyone really care about my hair that much. So while I sit here pondering the meaning of my existence my hair is growing longer. It's in a ponytail and it's really cute, if I may say so myself.

The other truth is that I will probably cut it all off and run rampant like a good angry queer feminist with a radical homosexual agenda and sweet combat boots. JK about the combat boots.

Greenland is Projected As A Giant Land Mass But In Reality It Is Not

Laurrrrita Wooley Mammoth showed this to me when she was in Montreal.

This is a map of the world. Did you know there are more than one different projections of maps? I did not, which was probably naive of me. Forgive me for thinking that map making might be objective/accurate.

The photo above is a mercator map. You might recognize this type of map as seen in all your classrooms, my bedroom which probably never been in, textbooks, etc. It has its uses. It's good for navigating the seas. It shows the shapes of countries accurately. But it also distorts the size of countries the farther away from the equator they are. For example, in this map, Greenland is almost as big as Africa, when in reality Africa is 14 times larger than Greenland. The problem with the mercator projection is that it tends to make the West seem a lot larger than it is. Does this sound like some sort of familiar colonialist rhetoric?

This is the Gall-Peters projection.

If you notice in this map, Greenland is tiny, and Africa is HUGE. China is HUGE. Brazil is HUGEish. And Europe, and Canada, and the United States got a little smaller.

This is apparently what the actual size of countries are. I don't know. (I'm finding it a lot harder to trust map-makers now). It's likely that I'll never know unless I find a way to go into space and position my rocket in a way so I can compare the size of different countries. The problem is that you can't show both shape and size accurately. You have to pick one.

Now this is a site you want to read. I'm serious. It's well worth your time.

Okay so the picture I wanted to show you doesn't work because my background is black. But here it is.

Greenland is 0.8 million square miles. China is 3.7 million square miles.

Go. Go read this right now. Have your world view changed.

On Groceries

Sometimes when I tell people I spend ~$15 a week on groceries they are very amazed. They think I don't eat anything. False. I never stop eating. I also think grocery shopping is really cheap.

This is a half-guide to grocery shopping. I personally think good grocery shopping is a science/art/something you need to master and I'm just learning. It's also a lot of fun. These are some things I've learned from grocery shopping and some things that I like to buy and some things I look out for when I shop and this is how I spend ~$70 on groceries a month. Also take into account that I'm only shopping for myself and not feeding a family of 5.

+ Fruits and Vegetables Are Cheap

A sandwich at the Concordia cafeteria is between $4 and $7. THAT IS SO MUCH MONEY. Do you know how much a tomato costs me? One tomato costs me $0.31 - $0.53 depending on how big it is.

Fruits and vegetables are really cheap. You can get a lot of broccoli for only 99 cents. Plums can be as little as 18 cents. Three bananas cost me 44 cents. You get the picture.

Buying your food at the grocery store is a billion times cheaper than buying a sandwich. For half of the cost of buying a sandwich at Concordia you can get like 24 slices of bread. Ok I don't know how many slices of bread are in those packages but it's way more than 2.

+ Meat Can Be Cheap Too

Before I started grocery shopping for myself, I thought meat was expensive. And it can be. But it can also be affordable! I like to buy at least one package of meat a week. I get boneless chicken breasts for around $2.50 - $3 and it's enough for 2 meals. Sometimes in the middle of the week I'll get more meat and then the next week I won't have to get any because it'll carry over. I like to spread out my meat eating.

+ Look For Specials

My grocery list is usually incredibly vague, including things like "fruit" "vegetables" "granola bars" "meat" "pasta". This reminds me that I need to get fruits or vegetables or whatever, but leaves it open to what's available in the store. This helps when looking at the specials.

Specials are special. The one thing I always tell myself when looking at things on sale is not to get sucked in. You know that motto "the more you spend, the more you save"? That's not true. THE MORE YOU SPEND THE MORE YOU SPEND. Stick to your grocery list.

Example #1: The other day I had on my list "bars". Since I can no longer afford Kashi bars, I'm looking for the next combination of cheapness/healthiness. The Intermarche that I shop at so conveniently had a special on Kellog's bars for $1.99. And they had way less sodium than Nature Valley. Sold! (later, when I actually ate one, I realized that they're not actually not that filling, but what can you do.) (Kashi bars are like $4.89, wtf. Why is health so expensive.)

Example #2: I wanted to make pizza. I needed some tomato sauce. The Intermarche was having a sale on President's Choice tomato sauces for $1.99. Classico's tomato sauce (which is, admittedly, far superior in taste) is $4.29.

Example #3: Fairmount Bagels has a section titled "yesterday's bagels". Twelve plain fresh bagels are $6.75. I got 15 of "yesterday's bagels" for $4.50. They went straight in my freezer and taste delicious when toasted. WIN.

+ The Expensive Things

You know what's expensive? Cheese. Cheese is fucking expensive. Does anyone know a way around this.

I DO, kind of. There's a place on St. Laurent called La Vieille Europe and they have a section of cheeses on special. Once I saw a sizeable chunk of cheese for $2.50 but I didn't need cheese so I didn't get it. But the next time I buy cheese it'll be $5 or less.

You know what's also expensive? CEREAL. Who knew?! Again, I try and look for specials regarding cereal. I'm not really picky, so I'll go with whatever's on sale if it looks good.

Yummy snacks like Oreos are kind of expensive but sometimes worth it because if you're like me and take a long time to eat anything, you'll have oreos for a long time.

In conclusion, grocery shopping is fun and cheap. Yay! Hardly anything is fun and cheap anymore. I'm still looking for a grocery shopping buddy, by the way.

Ps: here's Laura's guide to shopping in Philadelphia.

This Train Is A Long Goodbye

Have you ever been on a train and dreamed about being on a train? Well, I have. I woke up at 4 this morning to catch a train that would take me to a place where I could get on another train. I fall asleep on the second train, and that's where I have my dream.

I was asleep on the train and then I woke up. Someone I knew was sitting next to me. She wanted me to read to her aloud. She couldn't read the word 'schedule'. I tried to read aloud but every time I did a few words would come out and then my mouth would hang open and I wouldn't be able to close it. I could only make sounds in the back of my throat. I knew that I was capable of reading aloud, only my mouth wouldn't move. I fell back asleep.

When I woke up there were a few little girls boarding the train. They must've been 9 or 10 years old. One of them sat next to me. I dozed off. I woke up and one of their friends was getting on at a new stop. She had a striped blue and white shirt. My clothes were all out of my bag. How did that happen? The girls seemed to be running away from something. They huddled together and spoke to each other as if they had a plan. I started picking my clothes up off the floor and putting them back in my bag. I had to reach over the girl next to me. Sorry, I said. I went back to sleep.

I wake up in real life with a little bit of drool on the side of my mouth and a slight fear that if I try to speak my mouth will hang open and never close again. There is a person beside me in a striped shirt. It has only been an hour and a half since I fell asleep. I'm supposed to be asleep for the next 10 hours.

Have you ever said goodbye to someone at a train station? Have you ever sat in your seat and looked out the window and the person you care about is standing there waiting for the train to leave? I have, and all I want to do is jump out the window and leave the train behind. But the train starts to move and my girl starts to cry. I want to ask someone when I will see her next but I'm afraid to know. I lay down across two seats and let small tears crawl down my cheek. Hey, how're you doing… the ticketman comes to collect my ticket. His voice trails off as he sees me crying and he avoids eye contact. I fumble with my ticket. Sorry, I say. He says nothing. I go to sleep. I want to sleep until the boa constrictor in my chest unravels and slinks away.

When I wake up again on the second train the person in a striped shirt is gone. I am unsure if they were ever there or if it was something I dreamed into life. There is no evidence of their being there. I want to go back to sleep but instead I write. The shake shake of the train makes me feel like vomiting when I stare at my screen. I write until I feel fully nauseous. I want to be asleep. I write 'I want to be asleep'.

I want to be asleep.

I have a brown paper bag full of snacks for the train, but I'm not hungry. I pick at the food on top; chips, some candy, and a peanut butter bar. It is only till much later that I check the bottom of the bag for more food. There's a napkin underneath with words written on it and I feel my throat close up and my eyes burn again. There is a flood behind my eyelids and if I keep them closed it will not leak out. To anybody else, I suppose, the napkin is just a napkin. But to me it's a little bit of home, or a little bit of a place where there's warmth and comfort. It's a part of a safety blanket. I keep it at the bottom of the bag.

The train is very cold. I wear your shirt and your sweater and your hat. I want to feel like I am wearing you, but it just feels like I am wearing your sweater.

++

In relation to the earth and the universe, we are just two tiny blips on a very big map. There are many people who have lived before us, and many who will live after. There are many people in our time who we will never meet, who will never know us separately or together, will never be touched or changed by us, will never know our names. We will likely be lost in the history books, but we have found each other. We exist to love and to be loved, to know that our own stories are enough.

Dear Diary 06.30.10

Dear friends,

This is Emily. I am in Philadelphia. Just chillin', you know. Last weekend I was in NEW YORK CITY for RODEO DISCO NUMERO DOS that's why there have been a lack of updates. I would like to do a full and proper recap of my feelings for this weekend but I don't really have time because I have to go meet Laura with food so we can have a picnic in the park. Anyways, my general feelings are this: last year everything was very tall, especially the buildings and Marie-lyn Bernard. I sat outside Mason-Dixon the whole night. This year the buildings were still tall and so is Riese but I think I grew a little bit. The fact remains that I love everyone at Autostraddle with all my heart and soul. Maybe I will write more about it when the mood strikes.

Here's a picture.

Till next time weirdos!

Boy Scout Loves Mountaineer

I don't watch a lot of tv, but every once in a while I get a push that starts me watching a show. For example, back when Carly used to do Televisionary Tuesdays on Autostraddle, I did screencaps for her. One of the shows she was recapping was How I Met Your Mother. Unfortunately I was screencapping the season 4 finale and had no idea what was going on, only that it was really funny. So then I spent the next two weeks watching every episode ever of HIMYM until I was caught up. Then, this holiday break, I started watching The Office. Literally all I did was sit at home and watch it. After that it was 30 Rock which I also ate up until school forced me to read a book. I'd like to add that I haven't seen the end of any of these shows most recent seasons.

Currently I am totally caught up in a really old show: Alias. Alias is different from the previous three shows I mentioned for a number of reasons, namely, it's not a sitcom. Alias is funny on purpose about 2% of the time and funny by accident about 37.72829% of the time. The rest of the time it's either terrifying or completely ridiculous. Because the truth about Alias is this: it is terrible/AWESOME.

I started watching Alias in Philadelphia with Laura's friend and have been kinda hooked ever since.

Alias actually scares me. Maybe it's because Laura and I watch it at 1am or maybe it's because I'm a big baby, but there hasn't been an episode where I either close my eyes or block the computer screen because I AM SCARED. When I was 11 Buffy the Vampire Slayer used to terrify me, until I started watching it when I was older (and years after it had finished) and it was hilarious. I am even older now and I think Alias is way scary!/suspenseful.

The thing about Alias, though, is that while there are scary moments, mostly it's just campy. There are only 2 kinds of music on Alias: the heavy bass, techno-y pump up music they play when Sydney is on a mission, and the lesbian music they play when things are sad (which is often). Once they played Coldplay. Alias is that kind of show where, when the bad guys shoot, they miss, and when the good guys shoot, they don't. It's also a show full of convenient coincidences and really good timing by the CIA. Like oh, obviously when Sydney's knee is about to get blown off she is saved. Also Sydney knows every language. Ever. Once Laura saw a wire holding up a plane.

Have I mentioned Jennifer Garner yet? Jennifer Garner plays Sydney Bristow. She has nice skin. Sometimes Sydney has to use disguises. Sometimes she looks like this:

Sometimes she looks like this:

Um, if that's not incentive to start watching, I don't know what is.

++

I decided to interview my partner-in-viewing Laura about her feelings w/r/t Alias.

Emily: What is your favourite Sydney Bristow disguise?

Laura: This one, she's got a Spanish fan, and red hair and a red dress with long sleeves and slits at the sides, and super cleavage and she's wearing a black bra underneath. And her eyes are really really made up.

Emily: Is that it?

Laura: Yeah. She swings on a rope and can knock somebody out.

Emily: What about that one where she walks out of the pool and a man follows her?

Laura: Nope. That's not it.

Emily: That's not it? Not when she's in a bathing suit?

Laura: Nope.

Emily: I like when she's blonde.

Laura: I like her whenever she has red hair, and I don't even like red hair. I also like the one where she chewed gum and had blonde hair and pearls.

Emily: What is the campiest thing about Alias?

Laura: What about Alias is not campy?

Emily: I thought that you might say the wire holding the plane.

Laura: Ohmygod, the wire holding the plane. No, that's not campy, that's just ridiculous. Probably the fact that... I like it when things are named really obvious things. Like that alliance between them was called "The Alliance". Also the episode names are kinda dorky.

Emily: Does Alias scare you?

Laura: On occasion because I don't like it when they get into weird supernatural shit and I'm alone in my house at night.

Emily: Weird supernatural shit like what?

Laura: Like frying bodies.

Emily: Oh yeah, that was really creepy. That one just made me sad.

Laura: It's gross.

Emily: What do you think about the music in Alias?

Laura: It's a very strange combination of techno/jam/rave and and Indigo Girls concert with mixes of Coldplay thrown in for good measure.

Emily: I feel like I'm just asking you to confirm everything I've written in my post.

Laura: So maybe you shouldn't interview me.

Emily: Probably not. Do you have anything to say about Alias? What is your favourite thing about Alias?

Laura: I like that she kicks ass and takes names. And even though she's in love with a man she still fights with him when it comes to mission stuff, she doesn't just agree with him. I guess what I'm saying is --

Emily: I guess what you're saying is "I'm a feminist!"

Laura: -- Alias has a feminist agenda.

Emily: What do you think is Sloane's master plan?

Laura: Jesus, I don't even know. I think he's probably trying to bring Elvis back from the dead.

Emily: Have you eaten dinner yet?

Laura: I didn't eat dinner today.

Emily: Aw, are you hungry?

Laura: Well, here's what I've eaten today: 3 slices of pizza (but they were small slices), a cupcake, a little bowl of pasta, a granola bar, an apple, a cinnamon roll, some cheese. The end.

[we talk about food, Laura gets an email]

Laura: I have a question for you if you don't have any.

Emily: Okay.

Laura: Do you want to watch an episode of Alias?

if i lived in an alternate universe where there were no consequences to pulling the fire alarm when there is no fire

things i have done today:

wake up

eat breakfast (bagel with cream cheese butter)

post something on tumblr

email laura

water dazzler

this is dazzler

things i need to do today:

bike to pharmaprix

shower

eat

email james

read some harry potter

go to work

eat

stop feeling sorry for myself

laura and i watched alias separately together last night because we are really dorky.

yesterday i was waiting in line at the student service center at concordia to hand in a piece of paper and i was standing next to a fire alarm. while looking at it i realized that if there was a fire i would have no idea how to pull the fire alarm. i couldn't see a pulley thing. it looked one block of red smoothness. then i wanted to touch it to see if i could find the handle. then i wanted to pull it to see if i could figure it out. even though i had this really weird desire to cause chaos this other rational part of my brain told me that pulling the fire alarm in order to determine if it actually worked was a really stupid idea. so i stood there staring at it instead.

evidence that you were here:

a train ticket stub

the scent of the pillow where your head once lay

my sudden urges to do the dishes