Things I Care About Having On My iPhone

Recently, my iPhone 3G broke. It was my second cellphone ever. I'd had it for over 3 years meaning that my contract had already expired and I'd been paying month by month.

I went to the Apple store and the guy told me that I could get the iPhone 4S for $0 if I signed a contract (the other option was to get a replacement 3GS for a fee (which was more than $100 but less than $700) but no contract). Actually he strongly suggested I get the iPhone 4. So I could, you know, take advantage of all the new technology. I said I'd had the iPhone 3G for over 3 years - do you really think I care about new Apple technology?

Basically all I want is all the basic things the majority of phones have nowadays, with a wifi connection. Why do I bother getting an iPhone then? One: I like the size and shape. Two: phone + ipod combined.

Things I care about having on my phone:

+ ability to make phone calls
+ text messaging
+ the weather network app
+ ipod
+ email app + wifi
+ calendar + alarm
+ calculator

Bonus:

+ facebook app
+ maps
+ camera
+ instagram app which I actually rarely use
+ safari

Books I'm Reading For Pleasure Fuck You University

No One Belongs Here More Than You, by Miranda July

Alessia lent this to me in approximately 2009 and I loved it very much, and recently I realized that I don't have my own copy so I bought it and now I'm rereading it and I still love it the end.


A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again, by David Foster Wallace

This summer I read Infinite Jest and Girl With Curious Hair and part of Brief Interviews With Hideous Men before getting kicked out of the bookstore/cafe where I was reading for free without purchasing anything "this is not a library" alright anyways basically I want to read everything by DFW.


The Broom of the System, by David Foster Wallace

I'm kind of stuck on this one because I started reading it in September/October and then got caught up with school and haven't picked it up again since. But I think about it a lot. I'm sending it good vibes.


Sorry, Tree, by Eileen Myles

I read Inferno and a lot of Eileen Myles' poetry online, but I didn't have any of her books, so I bought one, and now I'm reading it. It's difficult, but good. I like it. I'm into it.


Shenzhen: A Travelogue from China, by Guy Delisle

My dad got me this graphic novel for my birthday and I'm reading it slowly, but enjoying it a lot. Its humour lies in its accuracy.

Portrait of a Sweet Orange

Citrus sinensis: the Sweet Orange,

not to be confused with the Citrus aurantium:

a bitter fruit.

Oranges are a vital source of Vitamin C.

The orange blossom is white.

Fallen blossoms are dried and used to make tea.

In the produce section of the grocery store

I watched a child sitting in a cart reach over the metal bars

and pick up a large orange. He held it in his hand

and then he bit it.

Apples are apples and oranges are oranges.

Nothing rhymes with orange.

The Sweet Orange does not occur in the wild.

Things That Are Killing Me Slowly

1. academia

2. my uterus

3. winter

4. the patriarchy

hi so this is the new year

hi i'm oscar here to bring you a very special message about life which i know a lot about despite only being 7-9 months old.

firstly i don't even know why i have to say this because everyone should know this by now but open bars are a bad idea. the number one rule of life is "don't be too drunk" and open bars result in a direct contradiction of this rule. alcohol is this very silly thing that makes people think it is a good idea to text their crush or jump on the subway tracks or get naked in public.

secondly emily is lying in bed like a dead person because she violated the number one rule of life and she lost her earrings. maybe she should do the dishes or put on some pants but she just can't. now she is suffering the consequences of her actions which i do not approve of because if you come home and have to shut the door so the cat can't get in your room because you don't want him to see you then you are probably doing something wrong.

thirdly emily's number one problem in 2011 which i know a lot about despite not being alive for the entire year was anxiety about other people. i think this is stupid because emily is a smart caring person who always feeds me on time the best that she can but for some strange reason she is overcome with crippling doubt/panic/anxiety that other people think she is something other than what she is. although she doesn't really know who she is so she is also often confused and convinced that maybe she should be who other people think she is or that maybe she is already that person and or that she is a person entirely created by other people's perceptions of herself and what is free will anyway? she's not sure she has to think about it more.

from autostraddle.com

fourthly i been to a lot of places and seen a lot of things and i just have to say that i just don't understand people. i mean what are these portable telephone things that keep bringing drama into everyone's lives. here is a cat's advice: stop drinking (so much) and stop drunk texting. i like it better when people read books in bed instead of texting in bed because paper tastes better. i like to chew paper. also everyone thinks that looking a certain way is very important but it's not really. dogs are colour blind so they don't even know what you're wearing anyway.

in the end it doesn't matter who kissed who last night or that emily's eating processed cheese on a burnt bagel right now. she just wants what we all want: free delivery on new year's day. 2011 was a great year because i was born and 2012 will be even better because i will be there for all of it and there is so much opportunity for snacks. 2012 is the year of snacks.

thank you drive safe,

oscar

are there snacks out there

Food In My Apartment Right Now

+ one egg

+ three boxes of crackers

+ five boxes of cereal

+ ten boxes of tea

+ five cans of tuna

+ five bags of pasta

+ two packs of tortilla wraps (totalling 20 tortilla wraps)

+ two large bags of raisins

+ two bags of sugar

+ two bags of flour

+ three cartons of a vegan vanilla soy beverage

+ three boxes of microwavable popcorn (totalling 9 bags of popcorn)

+ one bag of chips

+ two packs of fish-shaped crackers

+ one pack of ramen

+ three bagels

+ two loaves of bread

+ two tomatoes

+ one banana

+ one avocado

+ one kiwi

+ two packs of banana flavoured tofu (?)

+ one macaroni pie (?) (roommate's words?)

+ one million patties (?) (roommate's words?)

+ one carton of milk

+ two containers of plain yogurt

+ and more

how to write a country song

how to write a country song

how to eat raw beef

how to get pregnant without a man

how to be a doormat

how to tie your shoe

how to get new bone structure

how to listen to frank sinatra

how to shop at zellers

how to shop at american eagle

how to ride the bus one-handed

how to win friends and make enemies

how to get what you don't want

how to make me a sandwich

how to the botanical garden

how to be chinese

how to be ironic

how to look like a hobo

how to fall asleep standing up

how to run in heels

how to be better at life

how to function in a paradox

how to function in a paradise

how to write an autobiography

how to make an enchilada

how to build a shelf

how to how to

moving week

today: work, pack, make pizza for dad's bday dinner

tomorrow: work, move into new apartment

monday: find a grocery store that's open, unpack

tuesday: school, get internet set up, don't panic

wednesday: work, school

thursday: school, work

friday: NOTHING! YAY!

satuday: workworkworkworkwork

This Is Why It Is So Hard To Find A Place To Live

1.

Hi, I have a 3 and a half which I want to share with 2 persons, (unless somebody want to pay me heavy rent for a single room), its on [redacted], exactly in between Concordia and Atwater, Rent would be near about $300 including everything, I guess internet also.Place is awesome, rooms are too big with a big kitchen and store. And no need to worry about shopping stores, its Downtown!

I can share it with one person also, like girls need separate room (if you can share with another girl, then again less rent) but if alone then rent would increase, it would be near about $575

2.

Looking for open minded female to share beautiful home over looking the ocean in Nova Scotia. I recently moved back to my home town in Cape Breton, a small village in the Highlands, remote and beautiful. I plan to spend a winter getting back to nature, working on my land and trying to live more organically. I am looking for someone interested in a winter retreat. I am not looking for help with bills, more companionship, someone that would enjoy hiking, outdoor activities, cooking and cosy nights in front of the fireplace. Free of cost with no long term commitments. great opportunity for a painter, writer or yoga trainer. For more details send an email. Thanks

3.

just moved into my new home on 10 acres looking for a roommate must be a women

i am 15 mins to the 401 and 20 to 417 looking for someone to clean the place for free rent

i am tall 6.2 dark hair blue eyes in good shape realy easy going

4.

##################################

room for rent for 225$ per month in Montreal

5.

Beautifull rooms available to rent in Puerto Vallarta , located int the romantic zone of old Valarta .Located at a 5 minutes walk from the beach and conveniences. Each of our rooms have their particular style and are equipped with anti-acarina bed covers and pillow cases, as well as bathrobes . Our large rooms have a fridge and a tv with cable. You also get access to the kitchen (fully equipped), high speed internet (wifi), calls to Canada and USA, and the rest of the Casa.For a small extra fee you can use the washer and dryer.Our prices include continental breakfast and we also offer guide services to discover the area and provide towels for the beach as well beach chairs and umbrellas and coolers.

6.

$ 300 ALL INCLUDED (electricity, telecommunications)
THE HEART OF THE PLATEAU
All furnished or unfurnished
INTERNET, PHONE, CABLE TV
BIG ROOMS
QUIET EXCEPT WHEN WE DO A PRIVATE SKINS PARTY (MAX 60 guests including us)
MAX 10 roomates 75% girls, 25% boys
this really calm but we are people who like the nightlife. we life close to the clubs, we are not allowed to invite people outside of room after midnight
ALL INCLUSIVE PRICE EVEN THE COMMON POT: BETWEEN $ 180, $ 330 and $ 530

7.

Hiii ,

I found a great 3 1/2 very close to school. I like to share it with a girl. If you like let me know. One cane take a bedroom and another can take a living room.
Thanks. The contract is for one year.

8.

1 1/2 in seint-kevin (all include, internet, elecricity, hot water, telephone).for 10 month for share by a gilr.near metro station and montreal university(just 15 minutes by walk).
If you interested please send me an e-mail
I am guy and study in Ude M.

9.

McGill MBA, single, living in an apartment located in the beautiful Outremont area. I am offering my guest room to a woman in her twenties in exchange for regular intimate moments, if the chemistry is there of course... Photos available.

10.

Available large room (non furnished) 9.5x14.5 in a ground floor 6 1/2, wood floors, w/d, wi-fi, no phone no cable. Looking for mature person that needs pied à terre with access. I am a 51 man non smoker with no pets, staight in my orentation not in my life style. Leave a phone number to be reached no email correspondance.

"straight in my orientation, not in my life style"

"straight in my orientation, not in my life style"

"straight in my orientation, not in my life style"

Things I Want Right Now That I Can't Afford

1. a studio apartment (or, really, just any apartment)

2. a new bike

3. an iphone 4

4. fame

5. this hoodie

6. laser eye surgery

things i miss while in beijing

+ milk
+ cheese
+ cereal
+ clean/non-polluted air
+ public bathrooms with toilet paper, doors that lock, and actual toilet bowls
+ a shower that sprays into the bathtub and not onto the floor
+ facebook
+ clean drinking water
+ bagels
+ friends and family

otherwise, i don't ever want to leave. actually, just get me some good milk and cereal and i'm happy.

Things You Can't Do Because You Wear Glasses Or Contacts

Needing glasses is one of my least favourite things. Ever. Even more than having cowlicks. I am completely and totally dependent on wearing glasses or contacts just to go outside and behave like a normal person. Once my contact ripped at school and then I had to walk around blind and issue a warning to people in my workshop class that if they were making eye contact with me I wouldn't know. It was funny/terrible.

Things You Can't Do While Wearing Glasses

1. Go to a heavy metal dance party

2. Go swimming

3. Whip your hair back and forth

4. Get punched in the face without fear of having glass shattered in you eye

5. Have a serious make out session without getting kisses on your lens

6. Be outside in the rain and still see properly

7. Read books if you only need glasses to see far away

8. Sweat without your glasses getting all slippery all over your face

9. WEAR SUNGLASSES

10. Play most sports

Things You Can't Do While Wearing Contacts

1. Have impromptu sleepovers

2. Read for long periods of time: if you, like me, need glasses to see far away, then possibly you, like me, have the problem of trying to read books close to your face while wearing contacts.

3. Fall asleep on the bus ride home

Things That You CAN Do With Glasses Or Contacts

1. see (most of the time)

Things Americans Have That Canadians Don't & Vice Versa

Things America Has That Canada Doesn't

1. Chick-Fil-A

2. Target

3. Hollywood

4. Biscuits

5. Cheap alcohol

6. Sarah Palin (ha ha!)

7. "do they put thousand island dressing on cheeseburgers in canada and call it 'special sauce'" - laneia

8. "specifically i'd say animal-style fries from in-n-out is a thing we have that you definitely do not have" - laneia

9. fried pickles

10. The opposite of the metric system


Things Canada Has That America Doesn't

1. Smarties (real Smarties, not those lame-ass rocket things), and Coffee Crisp

2. Good maple syrup

3. Bagged milk

4. The pretty side of the Niagra Falls

5. Thai Express

6. "A population of french people with indestructible arteries hardened by generations of eating poutine, tourtiere, and bacon" - terracottatoes

7. A place where people can still roller blade outside and not be judged for being in the wrong decade because Canada is actually just emerging from the 1990s now.

8. Degrassi

9. Nanaimo bars (Ok the US might have these now but they were invented in Canada)

10. Anne of Green Gables

I intentionally avoided political things like 'same-sex marriage', so don't suggest that, but please, feel free to make other suggestions.

How To Leave An Essay To The Very Last Minute

1. Get essay assignment ~1-2 months in advance.

2. Realize you have ~1-2 months to do it, tell yourself you'll "do it later".

3. Be reminded by professor that you have ~1-2 weeks before your paper is due.

4. Repeat step 2, replace "months" with "weeks".

5. Decide on a topic.

6. Feel accomplished.

7. Do nothing for a while, bask in accomplishment of choosing a topic.

8. Take some books out of the library ~2 days before paper is due.

9. Become addicted to a TV show, decide you are "stressed" from thinking about your paper, need to watch TV to "relax".

10. 1 day before paper is due: begin to panic

11. Start working on paper.

12. Go on tumblr.

13. Eat.

14. Have a mental breakdown for ~3 hours.

15. Lie in bed recovering from breakdown.

16. Go on tumblr.

17. Panic some more.

18. Realize you are not going to any classes the next day, start counting in terms of hours, convince yourself you can write a paper in 12 hours, no sweat, no need to sleep.

19. Write a blog post about how to not write an essay.

20. Pour yourself a drink and settle down for a loooooong night.

PS. This was me in high school, not me now. Minus the drinking part. That part is now.

ETA: I should also add that writing one sentence = feeling of accomplishment = worth 1 hour break. Repeat until done and/or dead.

ETA2: 21. Learn a new song on the guitar/develop a new hobby that will take years to master thereby ensuring you have a way to procrastinate for every next paper.

How People Find My Blog

You guys, I'm worried. What is poilet fuking. In other news, this would explain why "the hairline receding" gets so many hits.

However, none of mine are quite as bad as Allie's from Hyperbole and a Half.

Things That A Computer Is Without Internet

+ an expensive notepad

+ an expensive stereo

+ an expensive chess board

+ a small DVD player

+ an expensive post-it

+ an expensive calendar

"i hate it when i lose internet and my facebook machines just becomes a typewriter that plays dvds" - kcdanger

(i was just without internet in my apartment for about a week and it was very strange but very refreshing. these were basically the only things i used my laptop for during that time.)

Where Are My Keys I Lost My Brain

Do you want to hear a funny story? I'm sure you do. Today I had a Very Important Exam and I forgot a few things at home:

1. a pen

2. the keys to my house

3. my brain

Fortunately I managed to get a pen but not the 2 other things. That's okay because I have tonight to stave off insanity before the next Very Important Exam.

Today I wanted to talk to you about WINTER but I totally forgot everything I wanted to write about a few days ago and haven't been able to remember since. So I'm sorry I have the mental capacity of a fetus. There are so many hipster photos of the desolation of winter on tumblr, you can just go look there.

Anyways, I'm just going to tell you a few things, in a addition to the few things I told you last week.

1. there are 222 unread items in my google reader

2. what should i eat for dinner?

Alright, so there's not much going on in my head that doesn't have to do with school. Look, here's a graph I made about my brain.

I sure hope that that's mathematically accurate as I am one of those people who are mathematically challenged ("I crack jokes now and then, but it's only because I struggle with math" - Tina Fey).

But seriously? The end of this semester is kind of making me sad. See, even though I didn't really like this semester, I really liked this semester. I think I didn't like this semester because I was really sad for half of it. But once things started to pick up, I really enjoyed my classes. Except for the Canadian Law one which makes me want to BLOW MY BRAINS OUT (though I still think it's a really important class to take and therefore am proud of myself for sticking it out and simultaneously disappointed in myself for forgetting s.10 of the Charter on my VIE today). And even though Concordia's library is not as cozy and comfy and beautiful as Dawson's, I've still come to appreciate it for its weird sections and stairs that make me out of breath, even if right now there are too many people and not enough chairs and desks.

Basically I am not ready for this semester to be over (I am kind of ready for exams to be over, though) (I would like to learn things and not have to prove that I've learned them). I am, however, really excited to read things that I want to read and watch movies that I want to watch! So far I have ~2.5 weeks of break to read:

1. Veronica by Mary Gaitskill

2. Inferno by Eileen Myles

3. The Wind-Up Bird Chronicles by Haruki Murakami

and 2.5 weeks of break to watch:

1. the episodes of 30 rock I've missed

2. Last Train Home

3. Trembling Before God

and anything else that might come up.

Also I'm going to England the 22nd of December with possibly no internet which might be the most freeing thing in the world. Not that I don't love you, internet, but sometimes you are just so overwhelming and clingy. I'm coming back though, don't worry.

The Official Birthday Wishlist

+ a harmonica (~$10)

+ ankle socks

+ the shower tap to stop dripping

+ garbage bags (~$7)

+ tea (~$4-$15)

+ a haircut ($25)

+ a week's worth of groceries ($15)

+ moleskin with graph paper ($16)

+ measuring cups for dry ingredients

+ tickets to the stars concert in december (~$25?)

+ boyshorts from american eagle or american apparel (or you could just give me money so i can do this myself)

+ boots (~$30-$70) (dad?)

+ books are always appreciated. just to help you out, some books i am interested in reading are: "running with scissors" by augusten burroughs, anything by haruki murakami, some poetry by william carlos williams, anything by e.e cummings except for "erotic poems" because i already have that, anything by mary gaitskill except for "bad behaviour" because i already have that, anything by loorie moore, etc.

this list will likely be revised and reposted later in november. my birthday is the 27th. i will be old (er). drinks are always accepted.

before you buy me any of these incredibly useful things, i would appreciate it if you DONATED TO AUTOSTRADDLE.COM. and then if you feel like it, feel free to get me some groceries. if you're nice i will let you stay for dinner.

Things The World Is Trying To Convincing Me Of

+ I have breast cancer

+ I have brain cancer

+ My body is eating me from the inside out

+ I don't exist

+ I will never complete a full to-do list

+ I need therapy

+ I need to eat healthier

+ I need to exercise more

+ My breasts are going to be saggy

+ Getting old is the apocalypse

+ 25 is old

+ I need to grow up

+ University is a waste of time (why does the world convince me of this?)

+ University will get me a job

+ We're all going to die in 2012

+ Everything is going to be fine

+ Mo' money, mo' problems

+ My plane is going to be hijacked

+ I need to have children

+ There are too many children

+ I need to be more cultured

+ I need more money

+ STOP PANICKING

+ I need to panic

+ I can be anything even superman

+ Good things come to those who wait

+ Seize the day

+ I don't know enough

+ I'm lazy

+ I know too much

+ I don't read enough

+ I'm going to get cancer from smoking, second-hand smoke, using my cell phone to call people, microwaves, hair dye, x- rays, asbestos, bottled water, chips, genes, deodorant, chinese food, coffee, sunblock, bleach, orange juice, pesticides, low cholesterol, everything on this list, stress, obesity, white bread, cookies, crackers, everything yummy, alcohol, artificial flavours, being a woman, being a man, bubble baths, fake nails, lipstick, menstruating, pizza, redbull, tattoos, sex, shaving, third-hand smoke, everything in the whole world except tomatoes and the sun

+ Technology is evil

+ Technology is the best thing ever

+ I should live in the woods

+ We're all the same

+ I'm a unique and special snowflake

+ I'm depressed

+ I have ADD

+ I'm schizophrenic

+ I'm bipolar

+ I'm OCD

+ I have an anxiety disorder

+ I need to be a STRONG POWERFUL INDEPENDENT WOMAN

+ I need 5 jobs

+ Wikipedia is not a valid source of information

+ Everyone is scared so shutup

+ Nikki needs a chandelier

+ There are spies among us

+ Spiders won't eat me in my sleep

+ I need to be famous to accomplish things

+ I need to love more

+ I need to love less

+ I have SARS

+ I'm going to hell

+ Hell is not a real place

+ There's an app for that

+ I need to be kinder

+ I need to be more patient

+ I need to do things for myself

+ Shakespeare was the greatest writer of all time

+ I need to stop being so hard on myself

+ People care

+ No one cares

+ The answer is somewhere else

+ I need to follow my heart

+ I need to listen to my brain

+ The arts are a waste of time

+ I need to recycle more

+ I need to learn how to drive

+ I need to drink more water

+ I need a crutch

+ Drugs are bad

+ I'm stupid

+ I'm smarter than you

+ I need to leave my house

+ There is no cure

+ There is a God

+ There is no God

+ CLEAN ALL THE THINGS

+ I NEED MORE MONEY

+ I NEED MORE EXPERIENCE

+ I NEED MORE CULTURE

+ I NEED MORE THINGS

+ I NEED LESS THINGS

+ I NEED A TOOLBOX

+ I NEED TO TRAVEL

+ I NEED TO HAVE FUN

+ I NEED TO CALM DOWN

+ I'M ABNORMAL

+ I'M NORMAL

+ MONEY

+ SEIZE THE DAY

+ TRAVEL

+ MONEY

+ JOBS

+ INDEPENDENCE

+ MONEY

+ NO SLEEP

+ SEIZE THE DAY

+ MONEY

+ ORGANIZE

+ SETTLE

+ CLEAN ALL THE THINGS

+ MONEY

+ MENTAL DISORDERS

+ DISEASES

+ GOVERNMENT

+ EQUALITY

+ MONEY

+ POWER

+ FAME

+ CLEAN ALL THE THINGS

+ EXTINCTION

+ POTATOES

+ DIY

ETC. FOREVER AND EVER OMG

i miss you. i miss you in a magnetic way.

monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday, sunday. repeat. repeat. repeat.

bang bang bang.

i woke up yesterday on the couch. i cried. i drank half my tea. i biked with no purpose, no direction. just kidding i didn't bike anywhere.

i miss you. i miss you in a magnetic way. as i am typing this, as you are reading this, i miss you. like this. in this way.

++

i have to write a blog post. ok so these are possible blog posts i could make

a) pictures i took in august/winter/last week

b) a poem about food/crying in the kitchen/pictures

c) i could talk about how much i like laura and want her to come back to montreal rightnow

d) i could talk about how much i like laura and want her to come back to montreal rightnow without actually talking about laura or montreal

e) i could continue to make pointless lists

perhaps i will write a blog post about silly bands. yes i will do that. here we go.

++

have you heard of silly bandz? silly bandz are rubber band thingies that come in different shapes. they are bracelets. some of them glow in the dark. you buy a pack of themed silly bandz. for example, i have a pack of "vehicle" silly bandz. my pack includes firetrucks, police cars, airplanes, tanks, and helicopters. mine glow in the dark.

apparently kidz are going wild for silly bandz. i know i am. laura bought me my vehicle pack. she looked for them for 2 and a half weeks because they were sold out everywhere. then we traded. now i have a cowboy boot and a cactus (she had a western pack). i gave katie a tank and something else i can't remember. i don't want to speak for her but i'm going to go out on a limb and say that she loves them very much and can't stop talking about them.

i keep reading articles that say silly bandz are for children but that is just stupid. people of all ages and all 23904982343 genders can enjoy them. i can't find my vehicle pack on the silly bandz website. maybe that means they're rare or fake. i don't think you can buy silly bandz in canada yet but clearly i am about to start a trend with this blog post. maybe silly bandz ships to canada. maybe laura will buy me a pack (hint: zoo or fantasy) and mail them. i need someone in montreal to trade with me.

i hope i have educated you about something important today.