The Year in Review: Sometimes I Disappeared, But I Want To Come Back

It's that made up time of year when I decide to look back at everything that has made me who I am up until this very point of writing. These times come for me usually in that gray area when one thing ends and another begins; right now it's school ending and summer beginning. In a week I'll be on a plane to China. I think that maybe this is important because it's the exact same thing I did last year.

I'm sitting in my parents' kitchen right now, drinking tea and eating stale raisins. The weather is cloudy and I think it rained this morning. I just got back from A-Camp on Sunday night and I don't really know what to do with myself. It's a lot quieter here.

The thing is, this year, I don't need to ask myself "how did you get here?" because I already know that inertia got me here. Does that make sense? What I mean is that I didn't do anything at all to get me anywhere. In September I thought to myself that I was a whole new person with realness, tangibility, and form and I stepped outside of my brain and decided I was going to crash into life.

But it turned out that life was just work. And I threw myself into that with all the force I could muster because it made me feel like a real person. It made me feel needed and important and like I was really doing something, even if it wasn't actually important at all. I could say to people "I'm working" and it could be a thing that people understood. You know? It felt normal. Like, God, I'm just so normal, going to normal work all the normal time. And I felt all the normal feelings, which is to say, I really didn't feel anything at all.

What really happened is that everything else in my life fell away. I wanted time to "focus on myself" but it turns out that that meant ensuring that I got the proper amount of sleep every night. Everything was just fine in that fine way, where I didn't cry I just sort of despaired when things were sad and then did whatever it was that I had to do. I believe they call this "going through the motions" and Buffy Summers sang about it on her hit TV show "Buffy the Vampire Slayer".

I feel proud of myself because I made + saved enough money to pay for my entire trip to China all by myself. All the money that I'm using is entirely mine that I worked for, and financial independence is something that I've always wanted so this feels like a big step for me. It's okay to feel good about that, right? Money makes me so uncomfortable and I wish that everybody had a lot of it or that nobody had any at all. But I guess this isn't really about money.

It's about how I closed up and disappeared and became a non-entity. I worked a lot but it was only about money in the sense that I needed just enough to pay rent and keep some in my bank account. I worked a lot so I could hold on to something that seemed to make sense to everyone else ("work") and I didn't let myself think about the other things that I wanted. It felt good to have a team at work, to be known and to feel solid. That was sufficient.

But before this year, my life wasn't about sufficiency. It was an overflow of feelings all the time and I cried a lot and that was a good thing. I wrote words and people read them and the words came from a real place in my heart. I stopped writing this year. My blog is almost empty and so is my journal because I just didn't have anything to say. There were no feelings that were pounding on my heart's door, demanding to be let out.

It's kind of the worst thing, to stop wanting. I don't believe for a second that I've ever stopped wanting, but I took desire and covered it up. Every time it knocked it was a faraway sound that I could shut out so easily, pretend it belonged somewhere else. I muted my desire to be anything, to be even a person. Was I a person who wrote? I had no beliefs, no identity, no passion. I didn't want to participate in anything, go anywhere, meet anyone. There was nothing for me to write.

I don't know if it was fear. I don't know what it was. I think it was just a mistake I made about myself, which I am okay with admitting. I think if I could go back I would love everyone a little harder, because I wasn't a very good friend, and I'm sorry about that.

Going to A-Camp reminded me of the person that I was when I first started working for Autostraddle. And everyone remembered me as that person, which made me want to be that person again. I miss her, that girl who was scared but brave, in love with everything and everyone. It reminded me of a time when I really lived, or something, whatever living is. I mean, it was living with other people, being comfortable in my own skin, and letting things hurt. Life doesn't have to hurt if you don't let it, but then I don't think you'll feel any feelings at all. I mean, you have to let them all in.

by Robin Roemer
this is a weird picture of me and I don't even mind

This is what A-Camp did, what Autostraddle does: it gives you confidence to be who you are. If there's anything I learned from Autostraddle for the past 3 years it's that you have to let yourself feel. Your feelings are beautiful and you're beautiful and god it sounds so corny, but that's what it is, you are beautiful and you need to let yourself feel things because I'm going to start feeling things again and it's all going to be okay if we have feelings together.

I think maybe the whole point of this blog was my weird way of trying to tell you who I am, even though I don't know who that is. I'm figuring it out piece by piece, and the Autostraddle team has been a big part of that. Sometimes I disappeared, but I want to come back. I don't really know what that means, sorry.

I don't know. I guess this is just my life and these are the things that have happened to me and the things that I have done. I'm not going to say that I'm not going to hide anymore because I will probably still hide sometimes. But I know a little better now what I want and who I want to be and I think I can be that person.

by Robin Roemer

I know you can't see these people's faces, but I want you to know they are among the most beautiful faces you will ever see.

I am humbled, once again, by the magic of Autostraddle. I want you to know that I knew these things about myself before, I knew that I had disappeared this year and become a blank slate of nothingness. But I guess A-Camp filled me up again, reminded me of there's a rosy complexion to my cheeks.

when you wait for the dawn to crawl through the screen like a burglar to take your life away*

I am a 20 year old getting my BA in Creative Writing with a minor in Political Science and yeah, I know those are two completely different things.

My therapist told me there are steps to becoming [x]. Like there are steps to becoming anything. Like if I want to be a writer then I have to do this this this this this this and this and this like everybody else and then I will be a writer. And if I want to be something else then I will have to do all the steps to become that. I said I feel like I should be doing more things right now. I said my life feels boring and like a habit. My therapist said what did I expect I am an undergrad I am doing all that I am supposed to be doing right now.

I grew up thinking there was a world of possibilities for me. I could be anything. Anything! Anything in the whole world! When I was 12 we had to present a project to our class of what we wanted to be when we grew up. I wanted to be a hockey player. I told my teacher I didn't need to learn math because I would be a hockey player and I could pay someone to be my agent and do that shit for me. I wanted to go to the olympics.

Then I learned that women cannot (yet) be professional hockey players (unless you're Hayley Wickenheiser (but you're not)); they have to pay to play and have jobs on the side. Or, really, have a job and play hockey on the side. And there are 80 trillion people in Canada who play hockey, and ~23 players on the olympic hockey team, so, yeah, you do the math. I can't.

Anyways, the moral of that little story is that I learned I can't be just anything. So in high school I decided I wanted to be a writer, which was the other thing I was good at. I liked to write fiction but I really wanted to be a poet because I loved to read and write it. Cool, but you know where this is going right. The moral of this story is that I can write poetry but I can't be T.S Eliot (toilets) and I had good ending for this sentence but I can't remember it.

Blah, blah. That's depressing, yada, yada. But I'm still doing what I like to do, which is nice. Only now, instead of being confident that YES I WILL BE A MOTHERFUCKING WRITER LIKE JK ROWLING i am terrified by the statistics and the idea that I will have to work a part-time job at American Eagle to make rent because only 5 people will read my poems and only 1 person will buy it because everything is available online for free. And I am terrified that I'm only average. That my writing is mediocre. That I am good, but just "good", and not like, Irving Layton Award Finalist good. You know? Ever felt like you were just "average"?

I was wondering, as I left my therapists office, when adults lose their sense of possibility. When is this shift from thinking there's more than one way to do things, to being convinced that everyone who doesn't walk in a straight line is lost? I feel like I am on the cusp of maybe realizing that I do need to do this this this this this this and this and this to "become" a "writer". And I'm doing it? I am totally following this nice little path that's been paved for me. Is a BA is the new high school diploma? What is life?

Part of me is trying to cling to this idealistic rebellious free-thinker hopeful defy-all-odds mover shaker dreamer achiever view of the world. Is the 'real world' a box that, once you go inside of, you can never get out of?

Katrina dropped out of college but she's one of the smartest people I know. And when she writes, she has 10 times more stories to tell than I do. See, I want to be a writer, but I don't have much to say, which might be a weird thing for me to say as I've had this blog for over 2 years now.

It all just sounds average to me. Like everyone else feels the same way as me and we are all going to write the same thing.

*bukowski wrote this

Things That A Computer Is Without Internet

+ an expensive notepad

+ an expensive stereo

+ an expensive chess board

+ a small DVD player

+ an expensive post-it

+ an expensive calendar

"i hate it when i lose internet and my facebook machines just becomes a typewriter that plays dvds" - kcdanger

(i was just without internet in my apartment for about a week and it was very strange but very refreshing. these were basically the only things i used my laptop for during that time.)

Dear Diary 06.30.10

Dear friends,

This is Emily. I am in Philadelphia. Just chillin', you know. Last weekend I was in NEW YORK CITY for RODEO DISCO NUMERO DOS that's why there have been a lack of updates. I would like to do a full and proper recap of my feelings for this weekend but I don't really have time because I have to go meet Laura with food so we can have a picnic in the park. Anyways, my general feelings are this: last year everything was very tall, especially the buildings and Marie-lyn Bernard. I sat outside Mason-Dixon the whole night. This year the buildings were still tall and so is Riese but I think I grew a little bit. The fact remains that I love everyone at Autostraddle with all my heart and soul. Maybe I will write more about it when the mood strikes.

Here's a picture.

Till next time weirdos!

Recurring Dreams of Minor Chords

[maria taylor - song beneath the song]

Thursday night/Friday morning at about 2 am Katrina told me about Maria Taylor. Um. HOW DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT HER BEFORE? Shit. Anyways, this is Song Beneath the Song and it's brilliant.

The song Katrina first sent me is Clean Getaway but it's sad and I feel like I might need to use it for another time.

Don't Forget a Million Miles For Me, Safe and Another Day Has Passed by Me

"I went to B&H and got some film. Worked on autostraddle stuff with Riese and X. We smoked a joint and then went to meet Brooke, Carly, and Robin for dinner where I got drunk. Laura met us halfway through. We slept in Riese's living room and cuddled and talked and it was nice just to listen to people breathing."

- journal, August 14 2009

The room was dark, but not completely. The moonlight came through the cracks in the curtains and lit up little pathways on the floor. I remembered the first night I had stayed there, the night before. I slept on the couch. There were dark red candles on the table, at about eye-level. I thought about blowing them out because I could still see the flame when I closed my eyes but I decided not to. It added a cozy warmth to the room. For that first night I was alone with my thoughts and feeling little fits of happiness in my stomach. I was content and warm and felt like I belonged. There was satisfaction in knowing that the me from 7 months ago would never have predicted this. The fan in the window hummed quietly.

The second night was different. We slept on a mattress on the floor. The fan tried its best but the air was just sticky and hot. We pulled close to each other anyway and whispered breathy secrets. It was liberating. I felt like I was in another world, and maybe I was. I associate the feeling with New York but it could have been anywhere as long as the people were there. As long as I could lie on the floor and feel peace.

I spent the week in a daze. I seemed to be drunk all the time. I tried to get the seat next to the air conditioner. I tried to count how much money I had left. I tried to take pictures. I tried to remember every detail, every corner of every room, every street sign, every cloud in the sky. I couldn't. I only remember feeling as happy as I had ever been in my life. Now when I'm alone I think of the dark red candles. I think of Laura's navy blue shirt. I think of the mattress on the floor and the moon just outside the window and the steady breathing of the two people beside me who promised me without words that they would always be my friends.

++

June 26th, 2009. The road was foggy and empty. The yellow lines stretched on. Katrina was driving, looking for a place we never found. We listened to Tegan and Sara and it was surreal. We listened to the Yellowknife version of City Girl and we listened to the Spinner version of Nineteen and the Melbourne version of Want to be Bad. We listened to every Tegan and Sara song we could and we drove and drove and drove.

It was perfect, really. We met through a mutual love of Tegan and Sara, see. What seemed like a hundred years before, Katrina had been the girl who stole the screenname I wanted. Then she was the girl I stayed up late talking to. Then she was the girl I tried to write songs with over the internet. Then I was in DC in February and she was the girl who went from 2-D to 3-D and there was really no stopping it now. Suddenly she was in Montreal, in my room, watching the series finale of The L Word with me. It was before I knew Riese but after I had sent her that first email and I guess the forces were already at work because in four months we would be in Rockland talking about autostraddle. Riese said people usually like her better before they meet her, but I don't think that's true. I like her so much more.

The point is that four months after Katrina slept in my bed I was sleeping in her bed and driving in her car and on the eve of meeting Riese for the first time. I remember sitting in the bleachers at Katrina's high school -- the sky filled with stars, the air crisp but warm, and feeling tiny and large at the same time. The feeling would last until I took a cab to Penn Station and repeated those words to myself as the morning train took me home -- New York is big and small. My heart is big and I am small. There is enough room in my heart for everyone and everyone and other people and I will keep you [you] there because I need you [you] with me all the time.

++

I came back in August not really knowing why but feeling like I had to. I didn't know what I wanted. Maybe it was just a piece of that feeling back -- I don't even know what the feeling was or where it went -- but I wanted to recreate it.

It was so much better than the first time. I felt braver when I went home. I felt fuller, more complete. Now it's like I carry [their] hearts around but instead of feeling weighed down I feel light. I put one step in front of the other and hold this secret in my chest, this wonderful, wonderful secret, the secret everybody knows but not as well as us, no, not as well as me -- I could try and tell you but I'm not sure you'd understand: these people are more human than humans. They're more fantastical than unicorns. They're prettier than snow, they're smarter than smart things, they're worth more than their weight in gold.

They're changing the world, one heart at a time.

++

"X and Lola came over. I was passing out at 2:30 but I didn't want to fall asleep. Went to bed at 4 AM anyway. Also we came up with conspiracy facts about Gaga."

- journal, August 17 2009

At 4 AM I finally obeyed my tired eyes. I never wanted to sleep, never wanted to go home. There were three fans humming in the corners and not enough plugs for our computers. Where was the moon? I left my heart in Riese's living room.

In Which I Scan Random Things And Talk About How THE FUTURE IS BRIGHT!

On Friday I'll be on a long train ride to New York. On Saturday I'll be driving to DC to participate in the March on Washington which should be a fun new experience as I have never really held signs or shouted things with a real purpose before (such is the quiet, Canadian life). We here at the shoreline receding believe in equal rights for all human beings and illegal aliens (and in case you're wondering, we are also pro-choice and think that polygamy should be legal). Really, I just wanna marry kcdanger and move to NYC.

I'll be going with autostraddle.com and if you are a reader then I hope to see you there, and if you're part of the team then I hope to tackle you in a giant panda hug.

It's unlikely that I'll be posting again until next Wednesday or Thursday because I'll be very busy trying to make the world a better place. You can make the world a better place too, go tell someone you love them and mean it.

Since I have nothing much else to say right now, here are some scans of shit I found on my desk and a picture of me which I'm sure you will love. Also I think scanned things look cool.

++

the price of a one way ticket from penn station to nanuet is $8.50. i never used this because i got lost. clearly nj transit is NOT the way to go.

does that say papaya? how we communicate at autostraddle


to-do list. only one thing crossed off. decided that cleaning my whole room was too ambitious and just went for the desk. did not even complete that. #fail.


notes for moxie fucking crimefighter post


another to-do list in which i fail epically at actually doing things.


brooke explains how business works.


CHILD PRODIGY
now you know how much cuter i used to be.

the future is bright, my friends.
Have a good thanksgiving weekend!

Great Expectations & High Fidelity

Yesterday I finished High Fidelity. Today I'm going to talk about it. I like to do these posts with three books so I'm also going to talk about The Scarlet Letter and Great Expectations. There are lots of links in this introduction. I'm confused because I started school on Monday! Also I don't know where I'm going half the time. Anyways. I expect I'll be reading a lot more during the school year, mostly books that are assigned to me. That'll be fun.

++

The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne

I thought it would be a good idea to read this book because I dunno, apparently it's an American classic or something. Whatever, now I can say I read it and hopefully I'll NEVER HAVE TO PICK IT UP AGAIN. The most interesting thing about reading this book was finding a stamp on one of the pages that said "Nanuet Senior High School, Church St., NY" which is coincidentally like 5 minutes away from where Katrina lives.

This book is dense. I feel like it could've been written in two chapters if Hawthorne hadn't spent pages and pages describing shit that had no importance whatsoever. I'm probably insulting a lot of people right now. I'll say something good: there was a couple of pages at the end that I was really into. That is all.

Great Expectations by Charles Dickens

Again, I wanted to read some "classic literature" 'cause it looks good on my book resume/list. Great Expectations was good. It wasn't life changing and it wasn't terrible. It was completely enjoyable, if not a bit long, but still fun to read. The characters were all developed really nicely and have their own background story, which is great since I love character analysis. Wemmick and Mr. Jaggers were my favorite, especially Wemmick because he's just so awesome (that is the formal way of saying it), also I think Herbert and Pip were lovers probs. Actually now that I think about it, I like Great Expectations a lot more now than when I read it. Which was like a week ago.

"You are part of my existence, part of myself. You have been in every line I have ever read, since I first came here, the rough common boy whose poor heart you wounded even then. You have been in every prospect I have ever seen since -- on the river, on the sails of ships, on the marshes, in the clouds, in the light, in the darkness, in the wind, in the woods, in the sea, in the streets."

Pip to Estella, "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens

High Fidelity by Nick Hornby

I was really excited to read this book because 1) it looks super pomo and 2) it starts with a list. I was not disappointed. I was about 1/3 of the way through it and I was like "what the hell is this book about? this is weird" but it just got better as I went along. I think I got really into it when I suddenly realized that the narrator, Rob, is just like me. Or I'm just like him. There's also a ton of lists, which I love.

I'm kind of curious to watch the movie because there's so much narration that I don't know how they would do it. Anyways I'm going to watch it at one point and maybe I'll tell you about it. I can't really explain this book, but it got me thinking in a certain way and inspired me to write a "short story" which I may or may not post sometime in the future.

Also if you like Chuck Palahniuk, you will probably like High Fidelity.

"The difference between these people and me is that they finished college and I didn't; as a consequence, they have smart jobs and I have a scruffy job, they are rich and I am poor, they are self-confident and I am incontinent, they do not smoke and I do, they have opinions and I have lists."

-Nick Hornby "High Fidelity"

This Post is Only About #smallearth

Firstly, let me go get some ice cream.

Secondly, as stated in the title, this post is about #smallearth. The definition for #smallearth can be found here, but I will copy and paste it here because you're probably too lazy to click on that link [fyi you should anyway because the next post has pictures of tacky postcards from the philippines and who doesn't want to see that, right].

#smallearth (n) – 1. conceptually, a small-scale model of planet Earth. Although the exact dimensions of #smallearth have never been determined, it is commonly accepted that the planet is small enough that such nonsense as 12-hour time differences simply cannot exist, resulting in a cohesive society of #smallearthlings.

2. a community that is so small, that it is entirely feasible for all or most of its members to somehow come in contact with each other, regardless of actual physical location; a significantly less lame way of saying “small world, eh?,” a community where an unspoken set of rules/tendencies exist.

++

#smallearth was created in the middle of the night (for me) while Katrina was on the other side of the world eating lunch, because that's the only way it could have been invented. That's how #smallearth works. #smallearth is the feeling you get when something far away affects you at home ("home". you know. where the heart is). #smallearth is when far away things feel close.

#smallearth is a concept so I don't really think it has physical dimensions. It's as small or as big as you let it and I think it exists because Katrina and I brought it into existence [sidenote: I also think we bring our actual earth into existence by thinking about it and if everyone on the planet stopped (truly) believing in earth it would cease to exist]. That being said, it's smaller than planet earth. Or it's bigger but the people have really long legs so you can cross oceans in two steps, whatever you choose.

#smallearth is a feeling so there can be any number of people on #smallearth at one time and although it would be logical that the ratio of douchebags to awesome people on actual earth would carry over, I hereby declare that there are no douchebags on #smallearth. As one half of the creators of #smallearth I have the power to do this.

#smallearth makes me feel less lonely. 'Cause sometimes I think our planet is just really huge and it bums me out. Then I think that compared to the universe, our planet is a speck of dust and then I feel really tiny and useless and sad.

Like this:

#smallearth makes me feel like this:

There Was a Terrible Storm and You Were Wearing All Our Coats

Ever since I got this iPhone that has a weather application I've been obsessively checking the weather reports not only in Montreal but also in New York, Vancouver, San Francisco, Barcelona, Sydney, Rome, London, Tokyo, and Paris. I have no idea if any of it is accurate (it's yahoo!...) but I like to compare everyone elses better weather to ours. Except for Tokyo, I think God's trying to smote them.


Just so we're clear, those are all little clouds with lightening bolts coming out of them. Tokyo has looked like that all summer, they have the worst weather ever. I feel like Yahoo is making it up. They also make up the Montreal weather because it always says rainy or cloudy but lately it's just been a million degrees.

Anyways, in comparison, Rome is a ball of fucking sunshine.


Do I need to explain the round yellow balls? I'd just like to point out that Barcelona, San Fran, and Vancouver look exactly the same. Montreal? Looks like this:

Rain and thundershowers, basically.

Also apparently the Philippines have been having bad weather too. According to Katrina Chicklet, who is there, "omg we've been having like fucking flooding every day. Flooding like seep into the car, waves crash against curbs flooding.

Flooding like children swim in it."

Another reason I've been checking the weather all the time is because if it rains (like legit rain, not drizzling) I don't have to go outside and work! I can stay in my chalet and read a book! And it also means that my boss probably won't go outside either, even if it's just to drive his truck.

And that's the weather report. I'm not sorry I'm really boring! Take that!

I Just Want Back in New York City

wine,
red, white, and blue
no wait, i'm canadian
i have a lot of friends
in london, ontario

tables, glass - but
what does it mean?
if this is a machine
it sure looks like a dream
you're just too fucking
post modern
she said
you're so fucking
post
modern
you're practically dead
bury me in keds
they're practical or so
my mom said
you're so fucking post modern!!
let me eat your head
when you die, i'm going
to wish i too
was dead
ps leisha hailey sees red
pps your mom
is in my bed
ppps j.k

-poem by katrina, riese, and i. but mostly riese.

--

I took the cab to Penn Station without really knowing where I was going. In fact this whole weekend I never knew where I was going, I just knew that I was going somewhere. It's not where you are, it's who you're with and I spent the weekend with some of the best people I possibly could. Leaving Manhattan made me want to cry.

So I did. A little bit.
And I'm still crying. But I'm still smiling too. I'm...
lacking the words. I guess if you know what it's like to be not happy and then feeling pure .. happiness .. maybe you know. Maybe you understand how much I don't want to let this go.

++

Remember that time we woke with our hearts constricted in the best way possible. Remember that time I shouted so much my voice started sounding like I had a head cold. I shouted because the rooms were loud, everything is very loud in New York. Sometimes I just want to hide from the noise inside me but not this time. This time I participated.

++

New York is big and small. My heart is big and I am small. There is enough room in my heart for everyone and everyone and other people and I will keep you [you] there because I need you [you] with me all the time.

Maybe I shouldn't admit that. Maybe I shouldn't say it. Maybe I shouldn't say anything unless everyone is drunk.

++

We're eating dinner at a restaurant in Little Italy. The lights are low and she's at the other table and my back's against the wall and no one is really sitting. There are no cars in the street I don't know why maybe it's blocked. There are a million restaurants. There are a million people. We stood by a chinese street vendor and kissed and kissed and kissed....

++

Chinese fire drill. Run, run, run [when I get a little scared].
I just want...
to never let this go.

++

I was conscious of time, knew that it was limited. Everything is in some way limited by time. Or not, depends on how you look at it. This could last forever somehow if I let it but I don't know how. Really though, I don't know what forever is and I don't know how to get there. I'm very conscious of time, I know that it is limited.

The seconds ticked.
It was long because we never slept.
What do you think they're doing right now, sleeping or drinking, I asked.
Drinking, she replied.

and so we were.

++

Run, run, run. Repeat
repeat the words I know we both said.

There are a million restaurants. There are a million people. We stood by a chinese street vendor and kissed and kissed and kissed....

++

This is how it works: you're young until you're not.

My heart feels so much right now. I remember walking in -- no, that's inaccurate, diving is right -- diving in because this couldn't be something I was scared of. I wouldn't allow myself to dip my feet in while everyone else got wet.

Look at everybody. Four on the couch, one on the floor. One on a chair. I was the fifth on the steps. One moving around everywhere. I don't know if this is right but look at everybody. Everybody is so pretty. My eyes, wide, wide, wide, soaking everything in. Dear brain, promise me you'll never forget this.

I never want to let this go.

++

I'm sitting on her shoes, and the other her is sitting in the dark corner by my side. I kinda get it. Even though it's hers, it's for her, she's gotta come outside. Sometimes we just need the comfortable people or the ones you don't need to say anything to. Some things don't need explaining. This I remember. This I know. Repeat the words I know we both didn't say.

Run, run, run.

++

Oh god, oh god, oh god. I miss you something fierce. Oh god it hurts. Oh it's so terrible, it's so perfect, it's so real. It's a thunderstorm in my heart and oh god it hurts.

This is how it works: you peer inside yourself.
You take the things you like and
try to love the things you took
and then you take that love you made
and stick it into someone else's heart
pumping someone else's blood
and walking arm in arm
you hope it don't get harmed
but even if it does
you'll just do it all again.

my number one feeling is missing autostraddle all lowercase

run run run run run around the party truck waving flags hopping sweating smiling run run circle collapse dance yes! yes! yes!

i am never letting you go.

lovelovelovelove oh god oh god oh god what is happening

And I'm still crying. But I'm still smiling too. I'm...
lacking the words. I guess if you know what it's like to be not happy and then feeling pure .. happiness .. maybe you know. Maybe you understand how much I don't want to let this go.

Books I Am Currently Reading

Soooo, now that I work at a job that is 3% picking up garbage/drawing baseball lines and 97% sitting in a chalet, I have a lot of time to read and talk on the phone and do sudoku. But mostly read. I like to keep track of things like this 'cause I'm a weirdo and I want to know how many books I'm gonna read this summer! So I'm making my list here. Also this is like a book club with myself and maybe with other people if they want to participate.


Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

Hands down totes one of my favorite books ever. Ever.

"There are few people whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well. The more I see of the world the more I am dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of either merit or sense." - Elizabeth Bennet

Sigh. I urge you to read this book if you haven't already.


The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

Which was just a dumb idea because it made me depressed for like 3 days. Also frustrating 'cause I still connect with that book, probably even more so than when I first read it in grade 9.
"We accept the love we think we deserve." This line has come back as one of the truest things I've ever read.


Redwall by Brian Jacques

This is a series kinda like Lord of the Rings but not. It's about mice and other woodland creatures! I like fantasy books, they appeal to my imagination. Don't make stupid jokes. Anyways, once you get past the exaggerated, dramatic style of writing it's actually a pretty good read. I'm already reading the second book Mossflower, but after that I'm probs gonna read Harry Potter again. I think there are like, 20 Redwall books, the latest one was published in 2008 (just fyi the first one was published in 1986).

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It seems weird that with Prop 8 being upheld recently that I'm going to a wedding on Sunday. We take our rights for granted. Read what Katrina has to say about it.

When the World Turns Its Back On You

The best and worst advice I have ever received has, surprisingly, come from the same person.

Worst: "Walk in the direction of the wind."

Best: "Take a nap."

Seriously though. Take a nap. When things turn to shit, take a nap, and when you wake up your toilet will be unclogged.

other good advice from only the best movie ever: "Hakuna Matata."

When the world turns its back on you, you turn your back on the world. [actually I don't know if this is such a good idea.] [I don't know how to turn my back to the world.]

And you? What kind of good/bad/out-of-nowhere-makes-no-sense-wtf advice have you received?

Polaroid

Music Monday: North of Somewhere

Okay, so I had this idea planned for music Monday and then my laptop wouldn't turn on and my life exploded into a pile of dust. Obviously I jinxed myself with my dumb rant about irrational fears. Next my house is going to be on fire.

Anyways, I'm going to post a Canadian mixtape for Katrina. I don't have my iTunes which makes things considerably harder (read: really fucking hard), but hopefully it's still pleasing to the ears. Actually I'm just going to post the song name and you can assemble it yourself. It's like a DIY mixtape! When I say DIY I mean DIY but you better put these in the same order 'cause that's how I made it and I'm an evil dictator. Also, I know I've done Canadian artists in the past so this is getting old and redundant but SCREW YOU ok thanks, love you guys. This is for Katrina, the south American redneck who is neither a feminist nor educated. [when I say south American I mean the southern United States]

1. Stars - Your Ex-Lover is Dead
I was worried it would be really hard to pick a Stars track for this, but looking over their songs, it was pretty easy to pick this song. For one, it was the first Stars song I ever heard and they mention the Champlain Bridge. A direct reference to something in Canada works well when making a Canadian mixtape. Secondly, this is perfect for an opening track.

2. Hot Hot Heat - Middle of Nowhere
This song is really endearing. It gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside.

3. The New Pornographers - Challengers
I usually pick Sing Me Spanish Techno for my mixtapes, but somehow Challengers felt more fitting here. "Whatever the mess you are, you're mine."

4.The Weakerthans - Plea From A Cat Named Virtute
This song makes me sad and I feel a personal attachment to Virtute the cat. That is why I feel even sadder when I listen to Virtute the Cat Explains Her Departure. That being said, I love both these songs. It's the innocent loving part of me, like I think inanimate objects have feelings and I feel bad when I throw them out.

5. City and Colour - Casey's Song
Canada is proud of you, Dallas Green.

6.The Tragically Hip - Ahead by a Century
I know The Tragically Hip are a 90's band and the rest of these are mostly all 2000's, but they really are one of Canada's great bands.

7. Tegan and Sara - I Bet It Stung
Favorite band, ever. Hands down, totes. There's something very approachable about them. On almost all their songs I say "yeah, me too". I should also mention that Sara is my wife. I mean, we've never met, but when we do it's almost a sure thing.

8. Moneen - The Frightening Reality that the title of this song is too long.
"Who is she? Who are they? Who am I?"

9.Our Lady Peace - Life
I have a soft spot for OLP. "How many special people change?" All of them, fuckers. I'm not bitter. [edit March 22 '09: no one noticed that I quoted the wrong song? I'm gonna look back on this one day and laugh.]

10. Dragonette - Get Lucky
I liked this band before they were on the radio. This song makes me happy, it's hard to stop listening to it.

11. Wintersleep - Weighty Ghost
This song makes me want to write a song.

12. Tokyo Police Club - In a Cave
I'm kinda new to Tokyo Police Club, but I really dig this song. They have a weird name, like they should be from Europe or something.

13. Metric - Empty
Metric, one of Canada's great underground bands that have also made it in the United States. If you have more time, definitely give this band a look.

14. Broken Social Scene - Almost Crimes
I'm actually not the biggest fan of Broken Social Scene, but they are pretty popular and I really like this song. Also, as I was thinking of this I realized that Feist used to be in this band and I forgot to put her on this list. Epic fail on my part. I'll just add her in here.

Nickleback
Simple Plan
Avril Lavigne

Also, 10 points if anyone gets the reference in the title. 10 points = my love and affection = I call you names and put you down as a defense mechanism.

Saturday: Day 27, Another Day, At Least It's Not Monday

This is a blog about how I can say a lot of things without really saying anything. All I am good at writing is abstract nonsense that means nothing. How will this ability get me a job. I read something interesting at my favorite blog of all time, this girl called automatic win, which is why she is my favorite.

She says: Lately I've been fine with putting periods at the end of questions. Maybe I've stopped expecting answers.

This is my favorite and least favorite thing about the internet. When I read this red flashing lights and waving flags went off in my brain and they yelled CONNECTION, CONNECTION. This happens to me a lot when reading things on the world wide web. Unfortunately we never actually get to share that connection. So, if you read this and other things here, and lights flash in your mind, come talk to me. I like it.

Yesterday I took a little tour around Dupont Circle in DC and went to American University to visit Katrina F. Casino. It was special, I can't put it in words. I laughed a lot. And that's the kind of connection I'm talking about. Now that I've taught her how to leave a comment maybe she will.

DC is a nice kind of city I guess, it has that American feel to it. One section really reminded me of Berekely, which is the only American city where I can say I kind of know the area. In that sense, it felt a little bit like home. Funny how you can feel more at home when you're away from home. There was a moment in the morning when the sun was coming up and the air felt crisp like spring when I felt really good. I felt comfortable. I would never think about living in DC, but I would definitely come back. I like that they call the metro the metro and not the subway. I don't like that they don't give you change.

Oh yeah, today is Valentine's day, which is meaningless to me. I don't feel "more alone". I feel like I don't care. There's this guy on the phone saying that today is valentine's day and it should be special for everybody. Hey buddy, everyday should be special.

And it is.