disposable myths

"don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable." - beyonce

i've seen you before. don't worry, we are all children looking up for validation. i know you don't want to feel special, you want to be special. you are so helpful. you are always there. you are so kind, so loving. you want equality so long as you are the equal one. i've seen you before. don't worry, you always get what you want.

here's what i think, though. you are completely disposable. we are all completely disposable. one body is replaced with another (how absence is easily replaced by another body that makes the same motions, and then it's fine i guess) is replaced with another is replaced with another. how the giant world makes us feel so small, and the tiny world makes us feel so small. you are in denial about your dispensability, 'cause it hurts doesn't it. all we wanted was to feel like someone needed us. i mean, me. wouldn't it be nice to feel like someone needed you, but actually you, you you you? turns out nothing needs us. you're flushed.

but don't worry, because it's completely alright. see, here's the thing. you are not the first nor the last to do the thing you're doing. someone will most certainly accomplish the same things as you, and don't worry because someone already has done it before you. someone has already made your mistakes, and someone will make them again when you're gone. so that's it. you are not the first and you are not the last. you are a cog in the machine, you are not a cog in the machine. you are free.

This Is Why It Is So Hard To Find A Place To Live

1.

Hi, I have a 3 and a half which I want to share with 2 persons, (unless somebody want to pay me heavy rent for a single room), its on [redacted], exactly in between Concordia and Atwater, Rent would be near about $300 including everything, I guess internet also.Place is awesome, rooms are too big with a big kitchen and store. And no need to worry about shopping stores, its Downtown!

I can share it with one person also, like girls need separate room (if you can share with another girl, then again less rent) but if alone then rent would increase, it would be near about $575

2.

Looking for open minded female to share beautiful home over looking the ocean in Nova Scotia. I recently moved back to my home town in Cape Breton, a small village in the Highlands, remote and beautiful. I plan to spend a winter getting back to nature, working on my land and trying to live more organically. I am looking for someone interested in a winter retreat. I am not looking for help with bills, more companionship, someone that would enjoy hiking, outdoor activities, cooking and cosy nights in front of the fireplace. Free of cost with no long term commitments. great opportunity for a painter, writer or yoga trainer. For more details send an email. Thanks

3.

just moved into my new home on 10 acres looking for a roommate must be a women

i am 15 mins to the 401 and 20 to 417 looking for someone to clean the place for free rent

i am tall 6.2 dark hair blue eyes in good shape realy easy going

4.

##################################

room for rent for 225$ per month in Montreal

5.

Beautifull rooms available to rent in Puerto Vallarta , located int the romantic zone of old Valarta .Located at a 5 minutes walk from the beach and conveniences. Each of our rooms have their particular style and are equipped with anti-acarina bed covers and pillow cases, as well as bathrobes . Our large rooms have a fridge and a tv with cable. You also get access to the kitchen (fully equipped), high speed internet (wifi), calls to Canada and USA, and the rest of the Casa.For a small extra fee you can use the washer and dryer.Our prices include continental breakfast and we also offer guide services to discover the area and provide towels for the beach as well beach chairs and umbrellas and coolers.

6.

$ 300 ALL INCLUDED (electricity, telecommunications)
THE HEART OF THE PLATEAU
All furnished or unfurnished
INTERNET, PHONE, CABLE TV
BIG ROOMS
QUIET EXCEPT WHEN WE DO A PRIVATE SKINS PARTY (MAX 60 guests including us)
MAX 10 roomates 75% girls, 25% boys
this really calm but we are people who like the nightlife. we life close to the clubs, we are not allowed to invite people outside of room after midnight
ALL INCLUSIVE PRICE EVEN THE COMMON POT: BETWEEN $ 180, $ 330 and $ 530

7.

Hiii ,

I found a great 3 1/2 very close to school. I like to share it with a girl. If you like let me know. One cane take a bedroom and another can take a living room.
Thanks. The contract is for one year.

8.

1 1/2 in seint-kevin (all include, internet, elecricity, hot water, telephone).for 10 month for share by a gilr.near metro station and montreal university(just 15 minutes by walk).
If you interested please send me an e-mail
I am guy and study in Ude M.

9.

McGill MBA, single, living in an apartment located in the beautiful Outremont area. I am offering my guest room to a woman in her twenties in exchange for regular intimate moments, if the chemistry is there of course... Photos available.

10.

Available large room (non furnished) 9.5x14.5 in a ground floor 6 1/2, wood floors, w/d, wi-fi, no phone no cable. Looking for mature person that needs pied à terre with access. I am a 51 man non smoker with no pets, staight in my orentation not in my life style. Leave a phone number to be reached no email correspondance.

"straight in my orientation, not in my life style"

"straight in my orientation, not in my life style"

"straight in my orientation, not in my life style"

The One Where I Have Feelings About "The Marriage Ref"

Due to a recent obsession with Tina Fey and through word of mouth (read: twitter), I have come to hear about a show called "The Marriage Ref". Without ever watching this show, I could tell you that IT IS THE WORST SHOW EVER. WTF.

If you don't know what The Marriage Ref is all about, let me tell you: there is a "referee". There is a married couple. There are 3 judges -- two guests, one Jerry Seinfeld, creator of this monstrosity. The married couple have a fight. The guest judges debate the issue. The "referee" makes a call. Someone wins something. No, just kidding, this is a show where humanity loses.

I tried to think of reasons why someone as smart as Tina Fey would agree to be part of shit like this. My opinion? Seinfeld was once on Tina Fey's show 30 Rock. Now she's returning the favour. Plus, they're both with NBC. Maybe this isn't why she did it but I'm going to pretend it is because it would hurt me if Tina actually wanted to be on The Marriage Ref. Like I would be personally hurt. Kind of like when Penelope Cruz signed the petition to let Roman Polanski off for rape. Really, Penelope? Whyyyyyyyyy

The Marriage Ref doesn't do anything helpful for anybody (the issue isn't even resolved at the end). In fact, what it does is reinforce gender stereotypes and showcase failing marriages at a time when people like Maggie Gallagher are trying to tell us that "marriage is a sacred institution".

[While we're on the topic of marriage, I'm on a rampage because I've been reading "opposing viewpoints" on homosexuality for my moral issues in law class, and some of that stuff is so infuriating. Burman Skrable argues that the sexual revolution has allowed it so that people have sex for pleasure instead of just procreation and that now marriage is not all about having children when really it should be. I have a few things to say: a) we let old people get married. b) we let infertile/impotent people get married. c) we let people who don't want to have children get married. d) we are overpopulated. Estimates are that in 50 years we will have over 9 billion people on this planet and we cannot sustain that many people. Also, I feel like Burman Skrable a) never gets laid or b) if he gets laid he hates it because his homophobia is probably just repressed homosexuality.]

I really didn't want to watch The Marriage Ref. I'm actually mad that Tina Fey did this to me. And though I planned to watch it and never tell anyone ever, I was actually SO MAD that I had to write this blog post and therefore admit that I spent 42 minutes wanting to stab myself in the eyes. Just to see Tina Fey, hoping that maybe, maaaybe it wasn't as bad as it sounded. No, it was the worst thing ever. I would rather spend the rest of my life watching Ghost World than see 5 seconds of The Marriage Ref [I hated Ghost World]. But, watching it gives me the authority to judge it. I watched it so you don't have to! You're welcome!

See, it was 4 couples. The first couple were arguing because the husband liked to get manicures and pedicures and shave his chest and generally be clean or something. The wife didn't like that. BORING STUPID STAB STAB STAB. Wives should have a lease, like cars! You should be able to return them after a certain amount of time! Hahahahahaha! And Seinfeld was like "metrosexual, what is that, like, a third gender?" STAB STAB STAB MYSELF IN THE EARS. Gender does not equal sex. Gender does not equal sex. Gender does not equal sex. There are a lot of different genders. Like a lot.

Also; Tom Papa whatever the fuck his name is -- not funny. Worst host ever.

The second couple made me the most angry. The wife bought a diy porch and the husband couldn't put it together and that made her mad so she was like, you're a man you should be hardwired to build things and put porches together

Are you serious, woman? I suppose she also wants to put on her apron and stay in the kitchen and bear children and get rid of her right to vote? Does she leave the house without her husband's permission? stab stab stab stab

Oh hello 21st century, I did not see you there.

Third couple -- the woman flosses in bed. OMG I DON'T EVEN CARE SHOOT ME IN THE FUCKING FACE

Fourth couple -- he takes off his wedding ring to play basketball. He sucks at basketball. Tina Fey says she can take him one on one. I say I will take Tina Fey one on one but not at basketball.

This show looks like it's scripted. The arguments look fake. The arguments are fucking stupid. These couples look like they're not even communicating with each other. Why can't the woman help her husband build the porch? She can't read? She doesn't have arms? I almost recapped this episode except I couldn't bring myself to watch it twice. I can't even bring myself to go back to check if my quotes are right.

What is the point of this show? It doesn't offer solutions to fighting couples, it's just supposed to make us laugh because some woman flosses in bed and some man likes to get his eyebrows waxed. It's not funny. I wanted to kill myself. The Hills is better than this show.

I can't believe this is the "sacred institution" they call marriage. Can we please get rid of this show, and let gays marry? thanks.

Also, Tina Fey -- so beautiful. Worth 42 minutes of permanent cringing face. Howevs, NEVER AGAIN. EVER.

Open Letter to the STM and Transit Users

You never fail to frustrate me at least once a day.

To the STM;

I don't know why I should expect reasonable customer service, ever. I can't count the number of times I was yelled at for using student tickets back when tickets still existed, and now I'm forced to pay for a monthly pass if I want the discount. Obvs it was cheaper when I could get 10 reduced fare tickets on my Opus before.

The worst though, are the buses. The buses never run on time. The first bus doesn't come, and the next one comes late. The bus drivers are mean. No, really. A bus driver once gave me false information about the bus that I was on. Maybe it was an accident, but really, shouldn't he know anyway? Once I was accused of fraud by a metro lady.

Also, regular transit fare is expensive. The Opus doesn't work with the trains. The train doesn't even run near me. What's the point of telling me my Opus card expires October 2010 if you're going to make me renew it in 2009? Why do I have to pay $13 to have my Opus renewed?

Thanks for expanding the metro in every direction except west.

I hate you with every fibre of my being.

To transit users;

It's not that I hate you all, but sometimes you just suck the fun out of my day.

Just so we're clear, we're all using public transportation for the same reason: to get somewhere. So, you know, I'm probably just as late for school as you are for work. At the end of the day, I want to get home just as badly as you do. Why do you have to make it so hard?

My number one pet peeve, and this seems to happen every day of my life, is when people stand on the left side of the escalator. This is common knowledge everywhere that on a highway, the left lane is for faster drivers. The further right you are, the slower you go. I know that and I don't even drive. The same applies for the escalator. If you stand on the left side and everyone else stands on the right, you are blocking the entire escalator. Everyone behind you who wants to catch a bus hates your guts and wants you to explode into a pile of dust (or maybe just me). How is it even hard to figure out when the whole left side is open? Here are some things to think about before using the escalator: if you can't make it up the whole way, DON'T DO IT. GET ON THE RIGHT SIDE. DON'T WALK HALFWAY UP, REALIZE YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK, AND STOP. At the top of the escalator, a lot of people stop walking for some reason. If there are a lot of people behind you, this ends up creating a standing line. Keep walking until you're off the escalator. It's not that scary, I promise.

The other thing that bothers me is the lines for buses. Taking the 470 at anytime from 4-6:30 sucks. Everyone knows that. The line wraps around the sidewalk and overlaps other bus stop lines. In really shitty weather everyone is miserable and cold and wants to go home obviously. But why are you making a second line? I get it that you think you're not going to make the first bus, so you stand "first" in line to be "first" on the next bus that comes, except what you're really doing is butting in front of everyone else who is already in line. Like, I'm in the real line and I miss the first bus, and then you come along and get in this fake second line and the next bus comes and YOU JUST INTEGRATE YOURSELF INTO THE REAL LINE I HATE YOU OMG YOU ARE RUINING MY LIFE

SRSLY

IT'S SO FUCKING COLD OUTSIDE

GET IN LINE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE

Do you know why this irritates me so? Because how do you tell these people what they are doing is cheating and annoying? Like in elementary school is that what they taught you? That it's okay to butt in line? Next time I see you at course change I'm just going to start a new line and go in front of you. FORGET EVER STANDING IN A LINE, I'M JUST GOING TO MAKE MY OWN LINE AND GO WHENEVER I FEEL LIKE IT

Lastly, I don't want to hear your music on the way home. So if you have headphones you should use them. If you have headphones and are using them and I can hear your music over my music then I hate you, I just hate you

I want to rip your headphones from your ears and punch you in the face and make your eyes bleed

Sometimes when I get mad I feel violent. I'm glad I have this blog to rant to or else I might bottle up all my feelings inside and just cry myself to sleep instead. Sidenote I feel like I am blogging autowin style

That is, not using periods

leaving those sentences hanging in mid-air

I've Waited a Lifetime Now Maybe I've Learned

(Before you read this I want you to know that today is the first day of October and therefore you should go eat many candy corns and also there is no real point/profound meaning to this post. Enjoy.)

++

"How do you know if it's worth the risk? I haven't learned my lesson. I can't tell the future. I will make my own choices and take the blame."
-journal; april 5, 08

"This is neverending. I'm the same person I used to be. I haven't learned, I haven't grown. I'm walking in circles."
-journal; sept 8, 08

"should i
should i
should i
call
you
if i do --
crying, stupid, fumbling, no words
i.e idiot
but i'm 16 again
and this is the same
i will not learn."
-journal; may 21, '09

++

So this is what I know: I know very little. I'm unsure of the things I'm sure of. I doubt my memories, wonder what is real. I wonder who the hell are these other people and what it means to exist. And I know I'm not alone. That's the terrible irony about being alone, though, is there are 6 billion people who all feel the same way, standing next to each other, not talking.

It's easy to feel alone. All you have to do is just .. be alone.

I've learned how to deal with loneliness in a way. I used to truly think I was the only sad person on the planet. It seems ridiculous now, but then, everyone was smiling and I was broken. Now I know better. Now I know we're on the verge of breaking, alone, together. I used to think the only people who understood me were far away.

They don't understand me.

But then again, neither do I.

I've learned not to think about it too much. The simplest way to move forward is to let things go. The heavier your heart, the harder it is to just do things. It's hard to breathe sometimes. If you just shrug your shoulders, if you sigh and take a nap, maybe you'll feel better. How do you grow up? Grow up. You just do.

"There's no way to grow that don't hurt."
- Iron & Wine "Sacred Vision"

++

I never felt like I learned much at the time. School seemed kind of pointless. There other things I would've liked to learn, things I was confused about but didn't know how to ask. I had feelings I couldn't put a name on. I wish someone would've told me it was okay. I wish I would've had the courage to stand up for myself -- if you think the only kinds of people who get picked on in high school are the shy, overweight kids, you're wrong.

"It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies,
but just as much to stand up to our friends."
- Dumbledore "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone"

I read Harry Potter in elementary school but so did that "overweight, nerdy" type guy so I never told anyone. In high school I found out that half my friends were reading Harry Potter secretly. We just didn't want to be "uncool". We didn't want to be associated with that guy we made fun of every day.

I would hate 2001 me now. But that's just how life is, right? There's no way to not grow.

There is no such thing as uncool. The people I love are all different. I'm proud of the way I've grown. I never want to judge another human (as hard as it is) for the rest of my life, because I know what it's like. I always felt like I was on the outside looking in on something so much better than whatever I had. This is what I've learned: there is nothing better on the inside of someone else's life than what you have inside yourself. Being myself is the only way I've ever found happiness, if that's what I have at all.

"Though we say goodbye and wonder
what's to know and who's to blame
but to be myself completely I will love you just the same."
- Belle and Sebastian "Be Myself Completely"

++

I hope you learn humility by being humiliated and honesty by being cheated.

I can love you better now.

love goes a long way..

++

Important Things You Need to Know: I Have Gone Crazy

Autostraddle had a redesign. If you don't check it out then I don't want to be your friend anymore.

As proof that my hands are not connected to my brain, I dropped my phone down 4 flights of stairs today. Sometimes I'm surprised I get my shoes on the right feet. I can't type.

How I Met Your Mother season 5 premiered Monday night. DOES ANYBODY WATCH THIS SHOW CAN WE TALK ABOUT BARNEY AND ROBIN AND HOW MUCH I LOVE THEM!

Also today is Riese's birthday, she just turned 19, send her an email riese at autostraddle dot com. Coincidentally, Riese is the CEO of autostraddle.com WHICH JUST HAD A HUGE REDESIGN JUST SAYING.

I'm so super moody lately, it's like I'm having a minor bipolar attack or something. I've probably been really inappropriate around like either "fuck you -- seriously." or "wanna make out?" or "uhnnnnnnnndsgffffffffffffjnjnl" is sometimes what I sound like.

Hey guys I heard Autostraddle redesigned their website.

Also, who has read Othello? I haven't but it's been discussed briefly in various classes of mine. One thing that stuck with me was this line; "I loved you not unwisely, but too much." And if you're scratching your head saying "what a fucking dumbass, that's not the line," YOU'RE RIGHT. The line is actually "I loved you not wisely, but too well." My brain has a hard time processing things so naturally I get things wrong a lot. But I kinda like what my brain came up with, mostly 'cause that's what I do; smother people with love until they hate me.

Anyways, enough about me, here, read a poem I wrote.

Wait, before you do that, press ctrl + left click on this.

++

I can’t bend to your will
‘cause I don’t have knees.
I’m just a hugging panda
hugging trees
but the trees don’t hug me.

The sun belongs to thieves.
I slept on a rug of leaves
one sunny Sunday afternoon.
I invented wooden spoons.
My shadow doesn’t fit the mould –
it stretches as the sun grows old.

She’s a winking panda bear
blinking here and there,
hiding everywhere.

I’ve seen her stare.

Now we’re two licking pandas licking trees.
The flames lick me.
I can’t run ‘cause I don’t have knees.
I’m stuck in the branches’ sway
licking paper, till we burn the paper away.

I’m a hugging panda hugging trees,
eating fallen leaves.
Now she’s leaving me.

I’m a hugging panda hugging trees.
Trees don’t have knees.
They stand up straight like me.

I’m a hugging panda hugging trees,
eating bamboo in the morning breeze.
Sleepy sleepy sunny day
Hugging trees till the trees decay
Licking paper till we burn the paper away.

I’m a hugging panda hugging trees
but the trees don’t hug me.

++

HEY MOTHERFUCKERS! AUTOSTRADDLE HAD A REDESIGN!

nudsfjinnnnnnnnnnnshdfjdskkjkdgjjkjsjp;!~!!!!!!

Hey, ever heard that Smashing Pumpkins song? Daydream? I have gone..crazy. Motherfucking crazy.

Moxie Fucking CrimeFighter and Pilot Inspektor Are Here to Rescue You

Even though I'm pretty sure I never want to have children, when I read about parents who beat their kids (for the most random things?) I imagine what it would be like if I had kids and that I would probs do a better job. Except I think that's what most people say when they decide to have kids -- they plan to do this and that differently from their own parents and I'm pretty sure no one has kids with the idea that they're going to beat and rape them. I think that craziness develops after. Mostly with unplanned parenthood. The truth is that I would actually be a bad parent because I have no patience and I don't like being responsible for other people.

Anyways. The most important thing about children are their names, obvs. My favorite celebrity child's name is Tallulah Belle [Demi Moore and Bruce Willis]. I mean, the rest are just over the top, like Sage Moon Blood. If I had a kid I would name it Heinz Nectarine Bath Choo. That's for a boy. If I had a girl her name would be Starshine Sprinkle Sprout Choo. Jk. If I had a kid I would name it Ah.

Get it!?!? K.

Dweezil. Moon Unit. MOON UNIT! Moon. Unit. Audio Science. Diezel Ky. Fifi Trixibell. Moxie fucking* CrimeFighter. Pilot Inspektor. Zuma Nesta Rock. Peaches Honeyblossom. Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily. Memphis Eve. Poppy Honey. Seven Sirius.

I'm not just saying random words. These are crazy/retarded/terrible/awesome baby names. Sometimes I wonder how people think of these names or if they purposely want their child to be made fun of every day for 13 years.

--

*not actually part of the name, but it makes it sound so much more badass. Moxie fucking danger crimefighter anyone?

I'll be Curled on the Floor Hiding Out From it All

I think I am one of the most socially retarded people ever. I just cannot carry a conversation. After the how-are-you's are exchanged, I smile awkwardly and leave the room. Either I'm like "what's going on" or "ok" and both of those are not good ways to present yourself as an intelligent person. People who have only met me once probs think I am a monkey in disguise. That's why I like to stay inside and live in the world wide web 'cause it's harder to look like a dumb shit, unless you are SO incredibly lazy that you have to save ALL THIS TIME by typing "u" instead of "you" then I look down on you and judge you. To your (internet) face. Just sayin', it makes me think that you've never opened a book before. I just kind of want to poke those people with a pitchfork sometimes. For the most part I hold back on judging people and I'm very open minded, but if you do not have some kind of disorder (dyslexia) and your native language is English, and you type like a three year drooling on the keyboard and you write things that make you sound like a drooling three year old, I do judge you. This is also why I'm a pretentious liberal arts snob, but don't get the wrong impression, they're not all as retarded as I am. They're more charismatic and friendly, which (kind of) brings me back to my original problem of being socially inept.

I also just want to throw out there another one of my general flaws, is bailing at hard times, ie, I will NOT STEP UP TO THE CHALLENGE that I most likely started in the first place. Sometimes I do. But a lot of the time I just say "no". Rereading this mini paragraph makes me realize that it's hard to decipher and I'm just talking crazy to myself.

That being said, I think this just goes to show that I'm very good at analysing myself. I'm very aware of all my flaws, thank you, I like to confront them in ways that people can't give me harsh criticism, i.e, by writing it here. See, hiding again. I'm so predictable.

One real problem I actually have though is, what do I change and what should I leave alone? There's this prayer thing, and I'm usually not into Jesus and the Bible and whatnot, but it really touches a chord with me, and I'm about to go off into a tangent here so bare with me; isn't that what religion's all about? Not really, but I mean, if just one thing, one prayer or something else religious I have no idea what makes you feel better, then doesn't that serve the whole purpose of god? Now I'm totes talking crazy shit but from my point of view, god is supposed to bring comfort and make you feel less alone. Religion has obvs turned into something else, but I like that simple sort of blind faith that things will get better. I like to hold on to that. Anyways, prayer time:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference."

Now I obviously don't have this wisdom which often leaves me in a state of confusion. To save myself from thinking hard and making choices and solving problems I often wish I could hide under my blankets all day, sometimes I do, it never really helps anything in case anyone was thinking of trying it.