une belle année ou quoi

oh no?

or was it?

what happened?

who cares?


just a little older

is all

a little younger

a little sadder

a little happier



i did some terrible

or

impressive

things



more time

inside me

or

less?



ah

who cares

kiss me

I Enjoy To Write Posts About October

My general feeling about October throughout the rest of the year can probably best be summed up as "ambivalent". It's sort of this nothing month that disappears between the final warmth of September and the cold of November as "another month of school".

But when I get to October -- when I'm actually in it -- I really love this month.

First of all, September sucks so whenever October comes around it's like a huge breath of fresh air. September = stressful. October = not September, therefore October = something better. That may be a fallacy but still, I can't help but think that October means things are settling down, a normal schedule has been established, and I can breathe again without panicking.

Secondly, I feel like fall fashion is in full swing, and I can't wait to buy a new scarf and some socks and maybe even some new shoes.

Anyways, I've been listening to a lot of new music since I got back from my trip that I haven't been posting here (four months with no new music made me feel kind of deprived so I've been downloading new stuff at an abnormal rate).

Neko Case's "Middle Cyclone" is still on high rotation, but I'm also listening to Andrew Bird's 2009 album "Noble Beast".

Here's a really cool live version of my favourite song off that album "Nomenclature".



I'm also really into Yukon Blonde again. I saw them play in September when they were visiting for Pop Montreal and I picked up a sweet tank top and a renewed appreciation for how fun they are live (the first time I went to see them I was actually seeing The Wooden Sky -- but I walked away a Yukon Blonde fan). My favourite song off their latest album "Tiger Talk" is "Iron Fist" mostly because of the lyrics.

It feels like the very first time
anybody's hurt you so much
you could just die
but you will get over it.
You will get over it.

(via)

Also listening to: Destroyer, Devendra Banhart, The Mountain Goats, The New Pornographers, Okkervil River.

The Year in Review: Sometimes I Disappeared, But I Want To Come Back

It's that made up time of year when I decide to look back at everything that has made me who I am up until this very point of writing. These times come for me usually in that gray area when one thing ends and another begins; right now it's school ending and summer beginning. In a week I'll be on a plane to China. I think that maybe this is important because it's the exact same thing I did last year.

I'm sitting in my parents' kitchen right now, drinking tea and eating stale raisins. The weather is cloudy and I think it rained this morning. I just got back from A-Camp on Sunday night and I don't really know what to do with myself. It's a lot quieter here.

The thing is, this year, I don't need to ask myself "how did you get here?" because I already know that inertia got me here. Does that make sense? What I mean is that I didn't do anything at all to get me anywhere. In September I thought to myself that I was a whole new person with realness, tangibility, and form and I stepped outside of my brain and decided I was going to crash into life.

But it turned out that life was just work. And I threw myself into that with all the force I could muster because it made me feel like a real person. It made me feel needed and important and like I was really doing something, even if it wasn't actually important at all. I could say to people "I'm working" and it could be a thing that people understood. You know? It felt normal. Like, God, I'm just so normal, going to normal work all the normal time. And I felt all the normal feelings, which is to say, I really didn't feel anything at all.

What really happened is that everything else in my life fell away. I wanted time to "focus on myself" but it turns out that that meant ensuring that I got the proper amount of sleep every night. Everything was just fine in that fine way, where I didn't cry I just sort of despaired when things were sad and then did whatever it was that I had to do. I believe they call this "going through the motions" and Buffy Summers sang about it on her hit TV show "Buffy the Vampire Slayer".

I feel proud of myself because I made + saved enough money to pay for my entire trip to China all by myself. All the money that I'm using is entirely mine that I worked for, and financial independence is something that I've always wanted so this feels like a big step for me. It's okay to feel good about that, right? Money makes me so uncomfortable and I wish that everybody had a lot of it or that nobody had any at all. But I guess this isn't really about money.

It's about how I closed up and disappeared and became a non-entity. I worked a lot but it was only about money in the sense that I needed just enough to pay rent and keep some in my bank account. I worked a lot so I could hold on to something that seemed to make sense to everyone else ("work") and I didn't let myself think about the other things that I wanted. It felt good to have a team at work, to be known and to feel solid. That was sufficient.

But before this year, my life wasn't about sufficiency. It was an overflow of feelings all the time and I cried a lot and that was a good thing. I wrote words and people read them and the words came from a real place in my heart. I stopped writing this year. My blog is almost empty and so is my journal because I just didn't have anything to say. There were no feelings that were pounding on my heart's door, demanding to be let out.

It's kind of the worst thing, to stop wanting. I don't believe for a second that I've ever stopped wanting, but I took desire and covered it up. Every time it knocked it was a faraway sound that I could shut out so easily, pretend it belonged somewhere else. I muted my desire to be anything, to be even a person. Was I a person who wrote? I had no beliefs, no identity, no passion. I didn't want to participate in anything, go anywhere, meet anyone. There was nothing for me to write.

I don't know if it was fear. I don't know what it was. I think it was just a mistake I made about myself, which I am okay with admitting. I think if I could go back I would love everyone a little harder, because I wasn't a very good friend, and I'm sorry about that.

Going to A-Camp reminded me of the person that I was when I first started working for Autostraddle. And everyone remembered me as that person, which made me want to be that person again. I miss her, that girl who was scared but brave, in love with everything and everyone. It reminded me of a time when I really lived, or something, whatever living is. I mean, it was living with other people, being comfortable in my own skin, and letting things hurt. Life doesn't have to hurt if you don't let it, but then I don't think you'll feel any feelings at all. I mean, you have to let them all in.

by Robin Roemer
this is a weird picture of me and I don't even mind

This is what A-Camp did, what Autostraddle does: it gives you confidence to be who you are. If there's anything I learned from Autostraddle for the past 3 years it's that you have to let yourself feel. Your feelings are beautiful and you're beautiful and god it sounds so corny, but that's what it is, you are beautiful and you need to let yourself feel things because I'm going to start feeling things again and it's all going to be okay if we have feelings together.

I think maybe the whole point of this blog was my weird way of trying to tell you who I am, even though I don't know who that is. I'm figuring it out piece by piece, and the Autostraddle team has been a big part of that. Sometimes I disappeared, but I want to come back. I don't really know what that means, sorry.

I don't know. I guess this is just my life and these are the things that have happened to me and the things that I have done. I'm not going to say that I'm not going to hide anymore because I will probably still hide sometimes. But I know a little better now what I want and who I want to be and I think I can be that person.

by Robin Roemer

I know you can't see these people's faces, but I want you to know they are among the most beautiful faces you will ever see.

I am humbled, once again, by the magic of Autostraddle. I want you to know that I knew these things about myself before, I knew that I had disappeared this year and become a blank slate of nothingness. But I guess A-Camp filled me up again, reminded me of there's a rosy complexion to my cheeks.

hello, october; hello, fall

october is a nice month, weather-wise. the trees are all pretty, i can wear a scarf and a sweater, and retail keeps tricking me into thinking it's almost christmas.

i feel like i've learned a lot about myself, even in just the past two months. my roommates and i might foster a cat, and while this has the potential to turn into total disaster, i'm pretty excited. our house is already a lovenest of insanity, and i feel like anyone who comes over leaves a little bit more crazy than they were when they arrived.

i'm learning to participate more in my own life. i feel like my plan of doing everything this semester is actually happening, and while i have a nervous breakdown about 3 times a week, i also feel really content right now. a little confused, but content because i'm working on fixing the things that are making me confused.

autumn in montreal is beautiful. the wind blows the leaves around but isn't cold (mostly) and i feel possibly like this winter will not kill me. i can't wait to buy a winter coat and some new gloves.

here's a song about how i feel: young blood - the naked and famous

Why Canadians Need To Vote In The Federal Election May 2

As you may or may not know, Canada is going to have a federal election on May 2, 2011. That's in like 2 days, guys. This election is very neatly straddling the line between "stupid" and "super important". Mostly it's stupid because we keep having elections and nothing has changed, and super important because, well, maybe it will.

There are all sorts of reasons not to vote, especially for young people. Politics can seem like this alternate reality in Ottawa where men in suits are really boring and money disappears and what exactly does it have to do with me? Maybe we don't realize the extent to which it does have to do with us because it feels like politicians aren't talking to us, aren't making policies for us, and just plain aren't taking us seriously.

Figuring out who to vote for and how the voting system works can be confusing, especially since most of that isn't taught in school. The Globe and Mail has a pretty decent rundown on the major parties and their policies, where you can compare their platforms. If you're not sure which party you align with the most, CBC has a vote compass to help you figure it out. If you're doing it and you don't understand or know which policies the questions are talking about, then that's a really good reason to look them up to see where you stand on these issues. Just because you're young doesn't mean you can't understand politics. Here are the ridings in Quebec. Find your riding, see who's elected now, see which way its leaning, and what's going on.

++

Elections Canada breaks down how our voting system works. Here's a quick explanation:

Canada's parliament is made up of two bodies: the Senate (appointed) and the House of Commons (elected). The government is made up of the House of Commons, ie, the people we elect. Canada is divided into electoral districts, known as ridings. One person from each party can run for election in a riding, as well as independents. We, the people, vote for one candidate in our riding. If that person gets the most votes in that riding, then they win a seat in the House of Commons and represent that riding as an MP (member of parliament).

Our Prime Minister is the leader of the the party with the most seats, or MPs, in the House of Commons.

So, for example, in my riding of Pierrefonds-Dollard, Bernard Patry of the Liberal Party is currently my MP. If everyone else in Canada elected a member of the Liberal Party to the House of Commons, then Michael Ignatieff, as leader of the Liberal Party would be our Prime Minister.

The system is a little bit messed up, in that we don't get to directly vote for who we want to be PM. If you happen to be in a riding that is extremely Conservative, then your Liberal vote doesn't actually go to the Liberals. Not to mention that the left is split into 4 different parties. This is how Stephen Harper was able to win a minority government in the last election despite the fact that about 60% of Canada voted for Not-Harper.

There are 5 major parties running in this election: the Conservatives, the Liberals, the Bloc Quebecois, the New Democratic Party, and the Green Party.

++

The Conservatives

Leader: Stephen Harper

These are some of my feelings, re: Stephen Harper:

+ Shitharperdid.ca

+ He wants to spend $29 billion on fighter jets

+ He wants to build more prisons despite the fact that crime rate is going down

+ He has filled the government lobby with pictures of himself

+ etc, sorry can't provide an unbiased review of Harper & the Conservatives

The Liberals

Leader: Michael Ignatieff

Some things I care about re: Ignatieff & the Liberals:

+ learning passport: $1000 a year tax free bursaries for post-secondary students (for 4 years)

+ cares about our environment - especially cleaner oil sand development

+ possibly introducing online voting?

+ youth hiring incentive

+ apparently care about women

+ is not Stephen Harper

Bloc Quebecois

Leader: Gilles Duceppe

To be quite honest, I find this party kind annoying. They take a fairly liberal stance on most things except that they want the separation of Quebec and Canada, which is basically reason enough for me to not vote for them. Aside from that, they will never have enough votes to become the government of Canada, though I understand the need for "Quebec to be represented".

The NDP

Leader: Jack Layton

Jack Layton did a good job in the debates for this election and is gaining a lot of popularity in Quebec. Here is part of the NDP's platform:

+ hire lots of nurses and doctors

+ $800m transfer to provinces and territories to lower tuition fees.

+ reinstating federal minimum wage (actually not entirely sure what this would do)

+ climate change accountability act

+ ELECTORAL REFORM!!! but also they want to abolish the senate. not sure how I feel about that yet.

+ Be not-Stephen Harper

The Green Party

Leader: Elizabeth May

My parents said that Elizabeth May should be the leader of the Liberal party and that sounds like something I can agree with. The Green Party is a lot bigger in BC than it is in Quebec. Also I find it weird that the Bloc is invited to debates but the Greens aren't.

+ The Green Party is much more committed to the environment than any of the other parties, it is the foundation of their platform.

+ establish a $10 minimum wage

+ "$400-millon annual increase in funding of post-secondary education needs-based scholarships and bursaries"

+ reform the electoral system

+ are also apparently the only party to have a budget (it's at the end)?

+ not Stephen Harper

++

This is basically information I have gathered from each party's website in about 10 minutes. But don't trust everything I say! Reading and getting at least a small grasp on where each party stands doesn't take a long time, and you want to vote for what's important to you, not what's important to me. So one more time, here's the vote compass and here's the Globe's comparison of party policies.

This is what I have to say to people who are not voting: Why do you live here? Why not live in a place where you don't have to vote, like, say, China? I'm sure you enjoy your rights and freedoms here in Canada. Well, so do I. Just because the system might not make perfect sense, however, is not a reason to not vote. If you really think it's that stupid, then spoil your ballot. But don't sit at home not caring, because this is your life. Don't throw yourself around like you don't matter, because you matter, okay? And you know what? This is my life too. This is my country, too. So when you don't vote, you're taking a little piece of it away from me.

come away with me and we'll kiss on a mountaintop

sometimes you are sitting on the third floor of an apartment in a rocking chair watching the snow fall listening to norah jones, and sometimes you are walking home at 5:30 with your collar up high thinking about fresh bread.

sometimes you can only hear out of one ear and it's hard to concentrate.

"run, don't walk," laneia said.

sometimes it feels nice not to think about anything at all.

It's October

Holy fucking shit it's October. Did you think we would ever make it to October? Me neither. Let's talk about it.

So, September was a shitty month. It was shittier than February, which was shitty, and also confusing because because it's the shortest month of the year. Clearly, this plan sucks and should be scraped, it was written from the vantage point of being happy, sometimes I feel like happy people never really "get it", but also sad people are like "wah I'm so misunderstood", so like, whatever. Basically people are confusing, life is a roller coaster, etc. I was happy once, and I'll be happy again. Right now is just a sad time where I want to break things and am moody and angsty a lot. You'll be happy again too, I promise.

But also I didn't really do any of the things I recommended to myself, so maybe the plan does work. BUT ALSO if you're happy it's easy to miss that some of those things are not possible, like did I really think I wasn't going to listen to Bright Eyes? So, I should just shut up. Anyways.

You guys have all been really nice to me and someone even made me a mixtape full of spanish/mexican/latin american songs (I can't tell the difference) and it's kind of AWESOME, which made me want to make a mixtape for October, which I will do and then release it on the interwebs for you to download if you so desire.

Speaking of music, today is Monday, let's listen to a song. Together. As a family.

This is my favourite song from The New Pornographer's 2007 album Challengers and for some reason I've been listening to the album a lot recently.

These adventures in solitude never done.

We thought we lost you. Welcome back.

I've also had a lot of Stephen Dunn lines running through my head:

from "Corners": the places we retreat to, the places we can't bear to be found.

from "Loves": making a temporary sense of the senseless, choreful day.

here is where loveliness can live with failure, and nothing's complete.

i love how we go on.

Fuck September. Here's to October.

A "Critical Review" & "Analysis" of the Month of March

I had great expectations for March. February sucked as much as anything could possibly suck, and March to me equaled spring, hope, light, flowers, happiness, sunshine, rainbows, unicorns, freedom, etc. It was kind of disappointing mostly because of my impossible expectations, but I've decided that overall, March was okay. Just okay. Like it could have been worse.

Essentially very little happened in March that was significant besides a fun trip to Philadelphia/NYC. I read two books or maybe 3 or 4, I don't even know. I had 3 shifts at work. I found something new in an old friend and I don't know what to do with it. I pretended I didn't have any school work to do. I bought new jeans. I had several serious moments of anxiety/panic that I would never be able to sustain long-term relationships with other people and thought it would be best to run away to a cabin by the sea, but those are feelings that are not unique to March. Also, though, I realized that I have a brain and can therefore handle the scary things it takes to be a grown up. I'm convinced I have post-menstrual syndrome, something I made up that has the same symptoms of pre-menstrual syndrome only it's after you get your period. Apparently this is just called "being moody", a theory which I reject. I got accepted into a university where, if I attend, I will graduate with a degree in something useless, but something useless that I am moderately good at. So there's that.

I have mixed feelings about April. On the plus side, according to this ovulation calculator, starting tomorrow I'm very fertile till April 6th. Also on the plus side, I'm expecting the weather to be EXCELLENT. And by "expecting" I mean "demanding". This weekend is supposed to be around 20-25 degrees so that's a good start. Unfortunately I'll probs be inside tackling the massive amount of work I've left myself with.

In conclusion, I'm happy to be done with March if only because it means we're one month closer to summer. Is it May 14 yet? (that's when my summer officially starts)

Also, word on the street is that something exciting is happening at autostraddle tomorrow, so you probs want to make sure you check that out.

Simple Things Can Make You Happy if You Let Them

"In a spirit of mutinous resistance, she climbed the seep grassy slope to the bridge, and when she stood on the driveway, she decided she would stay there and wait until something significant happened to her. This was the challenge she was putting to existence -- she would not stir, not for dinner, not even for her mother calling her in. She would simply wait on the bridge, calm and obstinate, until events, real events, not her own fantasies, rose to her challenge, and dispelled her insignificance."

- Atonement by Ian McEwan

"I'm going to sit here until I feel my soul."

- Matthew Rohrer "MK Ultra"

++

I'm going to sit here until I feel my soul, and then when I feel it I have no idea what I'm going to do. I'm going to sit here and feel apart from my body, feel like I'm two different entities. I can't organize myself.

There wasn't a time when it was easy. If you knew me four years ago you would have known me as angry.

Dear [redacted],

I said I would never write to you again, but here I am. You went away, but you never really went away, if you know what I mean. I used to know you, you used to think you knew me. In my sick, sick way I pulled you in, made you "mine". I thought I wanted you but what I really wanted was for you to have me.

I said that you were me, but in the future. I said if I wasn't so sad I would be just like you. Am I like you now? It's been four years. Who am I now? Am I you?

++

This post began with me trying to say that I used to be really angry when I was 16, but now I'm never angry and it's weird because I'm happy? with a question mark. Then I erased everything and wrote a letter that doesn't make sense. Now I'm listening to a playlist called "Window Blues".

Anyways, the point is that I used to hate everyone and everything because the world was mean. But then things happen, and it's a long story, you might as well read every blog entry I've ever written because that is when things "happened", I mean, this is when I changed. Not because of this blog, but this blog happened to exist when I lived. I don't hate anyone or anything. I still get mad at the STM but I don't get mad at people, rarely, I mean sometimes I still snap at people because I'm human and I get irritated, but I'm not angry, I'm not holding grudges. I feel like I can properly adjust to crisises which is a word I can't spell but I'm not mad about it.

I think I just get sad when other people might get mad. Instead I take it personally, like, if the government is mean I want to cry and sometimes I do, and it hurts me as if they said it to my face. That was just an example because I can't think of anything real right now.

Being positive is really hard, but it's all in your head. I had a therapist who got pregnant and left me but she taught me that it's all in my head and I can be happy if I want to, and I do.

I can't be around srs negativity because it's like a relapse. It makes me feel like I'm 16. It makes me want to write letters to [redacted] and that's dumb because I'm smarter now. I think.

++

"The people we love could never crawl inside of us, even if they wanted to... happy's up to you."

Kind of Like Spitting - "Happy?"

Don't Forget a Million Miles For Me, Safe and Another Day Has Passed by Me

"I went to B&H and got some film. Worked on autostraddle stuff with Riese and X. We smoked a joint and then went to meet Brooke, Carly, and Robin for dinner where I got drunk. Laura met us halfway through. We slept in Riese's living room and cuddled and talked and it was nice just to listen to people breathing."

- journal, August 14 2009

The room was dark, but not completely. The moonlight came through the cracks in the curtains and lit up little pathways on the floor. I remembered the first night I had stayed there, the night before. I slept on the couch. There were dark red candles on the table, at about eye-level. I thought about blowing them out because I could still see the flame when I closed my eyes but I decided not to. It added a cozy warmth to the room. For that first night I was alone with my thoughts and feeling little fits of happiness in my stomach. I was content and warm and felt like I belonged. There was satisfaction in knowing that the me from 7 months ago would never have predicted this. The fan in the window hummed quietly.

The second night was different. We slept on a mattress on the floor. The fan tried its best but the air was just sticky and hot. We pulled close to each other anyway and whispered breathy secrets. It was liberating. I felt like I was in another world, and maybe I was. I associate the feeling with New York but it could have been anywhere as long as the people were there. As long as I could lie on the floor and feel peace.

I spent the week in a daze. I seemed to be drunk all the time. I tried to get the seat next to the air conditioner. I tried to count how much money I had left. I tried to take pictures. I tried to remember every detail, every corner of every room, every street sign, every cloud in the sky. I couldn't. I only remember feeling as happy as I had ever been in my life. Now when I'm alone I think of the dark red candles. I think of Laura's navy blue shirt. I think of the mattress on the floor and the moon just outside the window and the steady breathing of the two people beside me who promised me without words that they would always be my friends.

++

June 26th, 2009. The road was foggy and empty. The yellow lines stretched on. Katrina was driving, looking for a place we never found. We listened to Tegan and Sara and it was surreal. We listened to the Yellowknife version of City Girl and we listened to the Spinner version of Nineteen and the Melbourne version of Want to be Bad. We listened to every Tegan and Sara song we could and we drove and drove and drove.

It was perfect, really. We met through a mutual love of Tegan and Sara, see. What seemed like a hundred years before, Katrina had been the girl who stole the screenname I wanted. Then she was the girl I stayed up late talking to. Then she was the girl I tried to write songs with over the internet. Then I was in DC in February and she was the girl who went from 2-D to 3-D and there was really no stopping it now. Suddenly she was in Montreal, in my room, watching the series finale of The L Word with me. It was before I knew Riese but after I had sent her that first email and I guess the forces were already at work because in four months we would be in Rockland talking about autostraddle. Riese said people usually like her better before they meet her, but I don't think that's true. I like her so much more.

The point is that four months after Katrina slept in my bed I was sleeping in her bed and driving in her car and on the eve of meeting Riese for the first time. I remember sitting in the bleachers at Katrina's high school -- the sky filled with stars, the air crisp but warm, and feeling tiny and large at the same time. The feeling would last until I took a cab to Penn Station and repeated those words to myself as the morning train took me home -- New York is big and small. My heart is big and I am small. There is enough room in my heart for everyone and everyone and other people and I will keep you [you] there because I need you [you] with me all the time.

++

I came back in August not really knowing why but feeling like I had to. I didn't know what I wanted. Maybe it was just a piece of that feeling back -- I don't even know what the feeling was or where it went -- but I wanted to recreate it.

It was so much better than the first time. I felt braver when I went home. I felt fuller, more complete. Now it's like I carry [their] hearts around but instead of feeling weighed down I feel light. I put one step in front of the other and hold this secret in my chest, this wonderful, wonderful secret, the secret everybody knows but not as well as us, no, not as well as me -- I could try and tell you but I'm not sure you'd understand: these people are more human than humans. They're more fantastical than unicorns. They're prettier than snow, they're smarter than smart things, they're worth more than their weight in gold.

They're changing the world, one heart at a time.

++

"X and Lola came over. I was passing out at 2:30 but I didn't want to fall asleep. Went to bed at 4 AM anyway. Also we came up with conspiracy facts about Gaga."

- journal, August 17 2009

At 4 AM I finally obeyed my tired eyes. I never wanted to sleep, never wanted to go home. There were three fans humming in the corners and not enough plugs for our computers. Where was the moon? I left my heart in Riese's living room.

America, This is the Impression I Get From Looking in the Television Set

Yesterday Maine voted to ban same-sex marriage. I'm tired and my heart hurts. Someone asked why we still hope when we lose so many battles. The answer is because these are our lives. No one is going to accept being a second-class citizen. No one is going to lie down and die. Hope is the only thing we have. Why do I care? I live in Canada, votes in Maine don't legally affect me. But Maine is part of the world, and so am I. And I... well, I care about other people. I want to go to Alex and Riese's wedding one day. It would be so simple.

Alex: "I can't believe we have to 'win' equality."

++

But you'll fight and you'll make it through

you'll fake it if you have to

and you'll show up for work with a smile.

And you'll be better,

and you'll be smarter,

and more grown up and a better daughter

or son and a real good friend.

You'll be awake, you'll be alert

you'll be positive though it hurts

and you'll laugh and embrace all your friends.

And you'll be a real good listener,

listen real,

you'll be honest, you'll be brave

you'll be handsome, you'll be beautiful.

You'll be happy.

- Rilo Kiley "A Better Son/Daughter"

++

I speak the pass-word primeval, I give the sign of democracy,

By God! I will accept nothing which all cannot have their

counterpart of on the same terms.

- Walt Whitman "Song of Myself"

Imagine all the people, living life in peace.

I Just Want Back in New York City

wine,
red, white, and blue
no wait, i'm canadian
i have a lot of friends
in london, ontario

tables, glass - but
what does it mean?
if this is a machine
it sure looks like a dream
you're just too fucking
post modern
she said
you're so fucking
post
modern
you're practically dead
bury me in keds
they're practical or so
my mom said
you're so fucking post modern!!
let me eat your head
when you die, i'm going
to wish i too
was dead
ps leisha hailey sees red
pps your mom
is in my bed
ppps j.k

-poem by katrina, riese, and i. but mostly riese.

--

I took the cab to Penn Station without really knowing where I was going. In fact this whole weekend I never knew where I was going, I just knew that I was going somewhere. It's not where you are, it's who you're with and I spent the weekend with some of the best people I possibly could. Leaving Manhattan made me want to cry.

So I did. A little bit.
And I'm still crying. But I'm still smiling too. I'm...
lacking the words. I guess if you know what it's like to be not happy and then feeling pure .. happiness .. maybe you know. Maybe you understand how much I don't want to let this go.

++

Remember that time we woke with our hearts constricted in the best way possible. Remember that time I shouted so much my voice started sounding like I had a head cold. I shouted because the rooms were loud, everything is very loud in New York. Sometimes I just want to hide from the noise inside me but not this time. This time I participated.

++

New York is big and small. My heart is big and I am small. There is enough room in my heart for everyone and everyone and other people and I will keep you [you] there because I need you [you] with me all the time.

Maybe I shouldn't admit that. Maybe I shouldn't say it. Maybe I shouldn't say anything unless everyone is drunk.

++

We're eating dinner at a restaurant in Little Italy. The lights are low and she's at the other table and my back's against the wall and no one is really sitting. There are no cars in the street I don't know why maybe it's blocked. There are a million restaurants. There are a million people. We stood by a chinese street vendor and kissed and kissed and kissed....

++

Chinese fire drill. Run, run, run [when I get a little scared].
I just want...
to never let this go.

++

I was conscious of time, knew that it was limited. Everything is in some way limited by time. Or not, depends on how you look at it. This could last forever somehow if I let it but I don't know how. Really though, I don't know what forever is and I don't know how to get there. I'm very conscious of time, I know that it is limited.

The seconds ticked.
It was long because we never slept.
What do you think they're doing right now, sleeping or drinking, I asked.
Drinking, she replied.

and so we were.

++

Run, run, run. Repeat
repeat the words I know we both said.

There are a million restaurants. There are a million people. We stood by a chinese street vendor and kissed and kissed and kissed....

++

This is how it works: you're young until you're not.

My heart feels so much right now. I remember walking in -- no, that's inaccurate, diving is right -- diving in because this couldn't be something I was scared of. I wouldn't allow myself to dip my feet in while everyone else got wet.

Look at everybody. Four on the couch, one on the floor. One on a chair. I was the fifth on the steps. One moving around everywhere. I don't know if this is right but look at everybody. Everybody is so pretty. My eyes, wide, wide, wide, soaking everything in. Dear brain, promise me you'll never forget this.

I never want to let this go.

++

I'm sitting on her shoes, and the other her is sitting in the dark corner by my side. I kinda get it. Even though it's hers, it's for her, she's gotta come outside. Sometimes we just need the comfortable people or the ones you don't need to say anything to. Some things don't need explaining. This I remember. This I know. Repeat the words I know we both didn't say.

Run, run, run.

++

Oh god, oh god, oh god. I miss you something fierce. Oh god it hurts. Oh it's so terrible, it's so perfect, it's so real. It's a thunderstorm in my heart and oh god it hurts.

This is how it works: you peer inside yourself.
You take the things you like and
try to love the things you took
and then you take that love you made
and stick it into someone else's heart
pumping someone else's blood
and walking arm in arm
you hope it don't get harmed
but even if it does
you'll just do it all again.

my number one feeling is missing autostraddle all lowercase

run run run run run around the party truck waving flags hopping sweating smiling run run circle collapse dance yes! yes! yes!

i am never letting you go.

lovelovelovelove oh god oh god oh god what is happening

And I'm still crying. But I'm still smiling too. I'm...
lacking the words. I guess if you know what it's like to be not happy and then feeling pure .. happiness .. maybe you know. Maybe you understand how much I don't want to let this go.

Top 6 Favorite Posts From the Last 6 Months

Did I forget to mention that last Monday was my 6 month blogiversary? Ok, well it was, and I forgot all about it. Six months ago I started out with 0.5 regular readers and now I have 5-7 regular readers which makes me feel really happy. Especially when they comment. Or when they get their sister to tell me over the phone, that's cool too. JK, sorry I said I wouldn't say anything about that. Anyways, I thought I'd be cliché 'cause I feel like it, so here's a top 6 of my favorite posts over the last six months!

6. Thursday, March 5 2009 Life is so Quick and Sometimes it Goes Away too Quickly

I think I'm the only person who liked this post, but I don't care, I really really like it. It was a bunch of thoughts added to each other written over 5 days or something.

sometimes i dont like punctuation
i like to learn
i never used to care if my friends loved me
but now i do.

I admit it's weird and I finish with a conversation with myself but that's okay because this whole blog pretty much started as a conversation with myself. Now that more people are participating maybe you will see the quirky, beautiful things I see in this post.

5. Thursday, February 19 2009 A Lesson in Geography

This is apparently a very popular post despite the surprisingly few comments (only one a month later??). I guess people think my condescending, pretentious manner is funny. Anyways I hope you all learned something. I've actually found it quite useful as I continue to refer to it when I hear people tell me they read my blog but "didn't know they could comment".

4. Monday, April 6 2009 Rummaging for Answers

This is a post consisting of 2-3 entries from my "diary". It ends with the bus story which remains, for some reason, a special point in that semester at Dawson. I actually saw the girl a couple of times at school which means I was clearly wrong about her being an art student at Concordia (??) but I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that's where she's applying at some point in her life. For now I like to pretend I was right about everyone else.

It's a source of comfort that if the bus had tipped over and I had died that day, I would have at least died with nice people. I think, somehow, that bus ride restored my faith in humanity a little. The thing about having connections with strangers is that your opinion of them hardly ever changes.

3. Thursday, May 7 2009 I Get by With a Little Help From my Friends

Well, what can I say? This is one of my favorite posts not because of the way its written, but because who it's written about -- my favorite people.

Also I love that cartoon.

2. Monday, February 9 2009 Ballad of Big Nothing

While writing this (which was not written with a blog post in mind) I was able to put something I discovered about myself into words which is sometimes hard for me. I guess this is the best example of how this blog is just a conversation with myself. If you agree, if you read something here that you agree with or you say "me too" then maybe we're having a conversation together seperately or maybe we're partly the same person. And maybe that is terrifying or maybe it's comforting. Maybe both.

I’m hoping that there’s a bed for me at home, someone warm to curl up next to, stairs to walk down in the morning and a lot of sunlight outside, a bus that comes on time, and then places, I hope there are places I can go. I hope I have some place to go, some place to return to, a space in time in the crowded world that is just for me.

1. Thursday, March 26 2009 Life is Full of Wonder




Here's to an awesome summer and another 6 months of conversation with myself!

The Time Between Meeting and Finally Leaving is Sometimes Called Falling in Love

All I see is beyond the cigarette smoke,
part your lips to the words you spoke.
I harbor in my heart a hard piece of hope
it hardly stays afloat --
but I'll sail this leaky boat,
cover the holes with the ends of my coat and washed up notes,
those silly poems I always wrote.
Take my hand and we'll elope,
we'll learn to cope, I mean it, I've got hope.
I know we'll float

Gently down the stream.
Does anybody know what these words mean?
I mean, you and I, both eighteen
somewhere between being peasants and being queen.
What a world I've dreamed, what a hope I've preened,
what a kiss that nobody's seen.

When we arrive half asleep and ready to weep
onto the shore we leap and lie in a heap.
Listen to the lingering sounds from the street.
What a nice place to meet,
but you're calling defeat,
you're ready to leave, to lose, to retreat.
You want to fix this leak, sail this antique

Back but wait! Stay on the shore
this isn't love if it isn't war --
I think there's more, let's go explore.
I don't know you better than I did before
but it's hard not to adore you, hard to ignore.
First we sailed and now we can soar.
What are you waiting for?

Take my hand and we'll elope,
we'll learn to cope, I mean it, I've got hope.
I know we'll float.

[lisa loeb - falling in love]
[eternity is in love with the productions of time]

i burn down buildings while you sit on shelves inside of them

hope is very naive. i am also naive because i want to change the world and i think that it can happen. i don't mean i want to change everything in the world - that would be really really hard. if i make a difference in one persons life then that's an accomplishment right there.

why do we still hope? do people ever hope that things will change right now? or is it just towards tomorrow that we're looking? i kinda hope things will get better right now. i mean, why else do we get up in the morning. despite all the disappointments the world hands us, one after another, we still get up and continue moving forward because hope defies all logic. just like love. oh yeah, and just so you know, "Love is a great thing. But marriage isn’t just any kind of love; it’s the special love of husband and wife for each other and their children."

ok and if you want to know how tired our society is, count the number of sleeping people on the bus. i bet you will see at least two. sometimes i sleep standing up, leaning against the pole.

and suddenly i'm asking myself these questions again, you know, suddenly i'm thinking about life again and the big picture and mememe in the world. tiny, little me. big, huge world. suddenly i'm feeling things again. remember that tv show charmed? remember their theme song? i am human and i need to be loved, just like everybody else. yeah. so take that love haters and fear mongers.

so don't give up hoping. but take that hope and turn it into ACTION! but positive action, you know, something that'll make the world better, not promote ignorance and discrimination. and get up in the morning and come to school cause i want to see your pretty (ugly) face.

All I Do Is Push You Far Away From Me

I hated myself. I really did. My heart carried around a self-loathing that was constantly on the verge of overflowing and I was shoving it in people's faces. I hated myself, everyone around me should hate themselves too.

I pushed everyone away and sat in my room of loneliness.

I hated myself for being lonely, hated that I was the reason I was alone. We accept the love with think we deserve and I didn't think I deserved any. But I wanted it. I wanted it so badly.

I was plagued by the fear of never being able to do anything right. I hated myself for that; for being afraid and for not doing anything right.

I remember it started really young. I remember learning to retreat from reality; when things were going badly I would quietly slip into the folds of my mind and hide and outside I would be a ghost. I wrote stories in my head, stories all the time, and I acted them out, I created characters with feelings that were tied to whatever was happening in my real life as a way of relief. But the stories were never an autobiography. Why write an autobiography when I could invent something so much better, some place more fulfilling, some place where I was happy?

Therein lies the problem, and the solution. The problem was my self-destructive childhood, my need to escape from my own life all the time. My stories became real to me. I made myself a character and I dictated what other characters did, and said, and felt, and it felt good to have some kind of world where I could control things. I made up background stories for them like they were real people who had real lives before I invented them. And I played it out like a movie and when it was over I wrote another one.

In the end, the fiction held more truth than my real life. It showed me the person I wanted to be, the life I wanted to have. My made up stories told me the truth about myself, allowed me to see my deepest thoughts, feelings, desires. Telling stories to myself became a solution. It gave me something to hope for; a way out.

The anger still hasn't dissipated. But it seems easier to shrug it off when I'm walking towards something like I've got a purpose. I like to kid myself that I'm going somewhere, that there really is a destination, a finishing line far off in the distance.

It seems lame to quote myself but what can I say. Sometimes I'm many different people.

"I’m hoping that there’s a bed for me at home, someone warm to curl up next to, stairs to walk down in the morning and a lot of sunlight outside, a bus that comes on time, and then places, I hope there are places I can go. I hope I have some place to go, some place to return to, a space in time in the crowded world that is just for me."

Polaroid.

"Life just is this way, broken, and I am crazy to hope for something else." - Miranda July "No One Belongs Here More Than You"

Life is Full Of Wonder, Love is Never Wrong

Portia on Ellen 03.16.09

Who wins?

Human beings, everywhere.

LIFE IS FULL OF WONDER
LOVE IS NEVER WRONG

Wishing and Hoping: Day 19

Sometimes I go out on a limb and it breaks. The fall hurts. The higher I climb the more painful the ground feels when I land on it. It's a bit of an ironic hurt. Like the farther you reach, the more heartbreaking it is to find yourself at the bottom again.

I expect to fall a lot. I hope I don't. The difference is I can change my expectations. I can't change what I really and truly desire. Falling is the hardest part. No one wants to fall, yet somehow we all do. We all end up on our backs and we all end up getting up again.

I don't want to expect or hope for things anymore. How can I do that? I can't. All I do is hope. I hope for the highest fucking branch there is. All I do is keep climbing. All I feel is bitter disappointment, a heavy heart, a grim determination, a sense of frustration that WHY, why is it like this, why do things have to be this way. I don't know. Some things just are.

Hope is perhaps one of the most misleading things I know.

It's alright, right? It's alright. Right. I got nothing. The disappointment of falling again is a little hard to stomach. It's time to continue moving forward. I gotta remind myself not to stay static, if nothing else I'll crawl. I'll crawl to the fucking top.

"First we'd climb the tree, then maybe we'd talk
or sit silently and listen to our thoughts
with illusions of someday casting a golden light
no dress rehearsal, this is our life."
The Tragically Hip - Ahead By A Century

Change We Can Believe In (Day Six)

So I'm watching Obama's inauguration, and I'm thinking that the U.S is not really a secular state. I mean, Obama went to church before the inauguration. Pastor Rick Warren made a speech/prayer. Biden and Obama put their hand on the Bible while taking the oath. Everyone was all "God bless America". Do you think an athiest could be elected president? I don't. What about non Christian? Something to think about.

I had to fast forward through about three hours of paper flag waving frozen citizens to finally get to the actual ceremony and gosh golly darndit it was exciting! There were a zillion official looking people and Hill and Bill Clinton and people dressed in security outfits and the navy and a band and paparazzi and other important folks! Fun fact: Obama didn't really have to take the oath. The 20th Amendment states that his presidency begins on January 20th at noon no matter what. Inaugurations take a long time, or at least this one does. I wasn't really paying attention when Bush was inaugurated. When was that? The first time was 2000, I was 10, obvs I didn't really care. Obama is so handsome.

Also, LOL re: Aretha Franklin's hat.

Obama stumbling over the oath was kind of cute, but also like, you think he would have practiced in front of a mirror or something. His speech was moving, per ush, but it didn't move me to tears like I hoped it would.
[Edit: I'd like to make note that it wasn't Obama who screwed up the oath, obvs Obama would never screw up something like that, it was the Chief of Justice who didn't practice in front of a mirror.]

I see why everyone was critical of Elizabeth Alexander's poem. She. Read. It. Like. This. It. Didn't. Really. Seem. Like. A. Poem.

However, Reverend Joseph Lowery got one thing right:

"We ask you to help us work for that day when black will not be asked to get back, when brown can stick around, when yellow will be mellow, when the red man can get ahead, man, and when white will embrace what is right."

Obama is a symbol of hope, American or not. Wherever you are he represents change, and the hope that we are able to move forward to something better.

------------------------

Supporting links:
God's Role in Presidential Inaugurations "Neither the phrase "so help me God" nor the use of a Bible are officially required in the presidential oath..."
Obama's speech part 1
Obama's speech part 2
Reverend Lowery's speech
Aretha Franklin's hat has turned out to be very popular indeed. People have even made a flickr page.
Mr.Prez and First Lady's first dance! Beautiful.

Fun Fact: Obama is left handed.


"Our journey has never been one of short-cuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted — for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things — some celebrated but more often men and women obscure in their labor, who have carried us up the long, rugged path towards prosperity and freedom."
- Barack Obama, Inaugural Address, January 20 '09.