WHAT THE MOTHER OF CRAP HAS HAPPENED TO MY DESK/LIFE

Not pictured: entire contents of wardrobe on bed.

Safe to say my life is in disarray. Is the semester over yet?

I Think I'll Print It In The Personals That I'm Looking For A Match

Wanted: Robot Girlfriend

Position starting immediately - mid/late-December

Tasks:

+ eat dinner with me

+ go grocery shopping with me

+ do laundry with me

+ be available for hours of cuddling and spooning (therefore it would help if you are a critter)

+ come over when i call you on the telephone

+ appreciate random text messages

+ make me breakfast in the morning

+ go to bars with me at the last minute

+ bake with me

Bonus if you:

+ have a car

+ have money

+ like sweatpants

DO NOT APPLY IF YOU:

+ have feelings

+ like to wake up early

+ have a life

[also this:

Wanted single F,

under 33

must enjoy the sun

must enjoy the sea

sought by single M F

nothing too heavy

send photo to address

is it you and me?]

Also also I live here:

JUST SAYING. Maybe you want to come over or something.

The Supreme Art of Letting Go

The slow change of summer to fall, and we sit in denial. It's not quite happening yet, but you begin to think to yourself that you need a new pair of boots, and your mind briefly passes over that sweater you will wear when the weather changes -- it hasn't changed yet. But you know it will. It's happening right in front of your eyes.

For a while you refuse to shed the light t-shirts and shorts, until, undeniably it is fall and then possibly winter, and your shoes are wet from snow that melts when it touches the ground. But you still don't wear those boots, and your jacket is a sweater inside of which you shiver once or twice. One day you wake up and go outside and your breath catches in your throat and you know it's time to get the heavy-duty stuff; the hats and gloves, longjohns, big sweaters, and the hibernation attitude that allows you to trudge through dirty snow on your way home, where you will wear all these things. The days are short, but you knew this was coming. You saw it happening, it happens every year. But you are just not ready.

++

Slow change is like this. You wake up next to somebody and know that soon your bed will be empty, because summer is leaving and you are hungry. You can see the day when there will be no more hot whispers in your ear, no more christmas lights in August because it is no longer August, no more warm fireplace, no more warm body next to you, no more fingers on green shirts, no more kisses or touches or toothy grins kissing touching toothy grins.

Denial is easy and you hold on to it for as long as possible, but little by little you put the sweaters in the front of your closet, preparation for the coming cold. You don't wear them yet though. Summer is leaving, you know this, but you are just not ready for it to go. Knowledge does not make it easier, in fact, very little makes it easier.

++

You feel, and you let yourself feel it. You let the fall sharpness bite you, just for a second, before you wrap yourself up, and you hold it inside yourself, and then you inhale and exhale and you let it go. You breathe the cold air out and then you breathe in and out some more, because that's what you have to do, breathe the cold air out of your lungs until there is no more, and then you walk. You walk and talk and breathe and move your fingers like a human being with human tendencies. You make sure to wear your thickest coat to soften the blows until it doesn't feel like punching anymore. And that is all you need to do, for now at least. And you will emerge. You will emerge.

and I found stories from June 2009 that I'll never publish

Yesterday was a bit of an unusual day. You may have noticed there was no music monday (perhaps you didn't). That was because I turned off my computer and didn't turn it on again until around 2am Tuesday morning.

See, yesterday after I ate breakfast at noon, an unexpected thought fluttered through my head: what if I don't use the internet or my computer for the rest of the day? So that's what I did. The idea to do it came before the reasons occurred to me. There are 1 and 1/2 reasons.

1: Every once in a while I have a strange desire to pack up and disconnect myself from the rest of the world. You know, like Chris McCandless. I feel like too many things control me, and many of them stem from my computer or the internet. I want to stop caring about twitter and email and what happens next on whatever TV show I'm watching. So I turned off my computer.

1.5: I'm tired of being disappointed when I wake up. I don't know where the disappointment comes from because I have low expectations (or do I?) for almost everything, but there it is in the morning. So, again, instead of checking autostraddle every 10 minutes or playing bubbleshooter and not being able to stop, instead of sitting hunchbacked over my desk musing over how huge the internet world is and how I can access so much of it from inside my room, I closed my computer and went out into the real world.

Just kidding. I didn't go outside. But I did really turn off my internet.

Fourteen hours without a computer is not really that long. Every time I go to New York or Philadelphia I have no internet for about that amount of time. Granted, I do have movies if I want, but mostly I count on sleeping for over half my trip.

Before I had a laptop I was still using the giant desktop in my basement, which one day, decided it would just turn off whenever it felt like it. As you can imagine, this was highly inconvenient. One second I'd be chatting on MSN writing a paper, and the next thing you know I'd be staring at a blank screen. It turns out the fan was broken, so the computer would heat up and not cool down and then it would turn itself off so as not to explode. That took a while to fix. My dad said I could use his laptop from 1995 but I would've rather smashed my head in with a brick, so I did my homework instead.

In any case, I figured I could handle a day without my computer, and it would be a good character builder or something.

The first thing I did was clean my desk. It took me a while. I found lots of old school shit, scrap papers, important documents, and old birthday cards that still had money in them. That was the most exciting part. I made $140 for cleaning my desk! The universe is trying to tell me something maybe.

I didn't have my itunes to listen to so I had to listen to CDs the way they were meant to be listened to. I listened to Around the Well by Iron & Wine, Asleep at Heaven's Gate by Rogue Wave, So Jealous by Tegan and Sara, and You Can Play These Songs With Chords by Death Cab for Cutie.

Then I started an art project that I can't tell you about because it's a secret. But it took me a long time. Luckily I had all this space on my desk to actually make "art".

I finished reading 'Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close'. It was good! I haven't completely processed my feelings about it yet though. I think it might actually be one that I won't read again unless it's to quote something.

I talked to 3 people I hadn't talked to in a really long time. Tania came over and we played video games in our sweatpants and that was nice.

Sometimes I really wanted to play bubbleshooter but mostly I didn't miss my computer. I didn't have any emails to read and I sifted through tweets but none of them were at me so all in all I don't think my presence on the internet was noticed or missed. That's okay! It made me feel good actually. Like there's no reason for me to sit in front of gmail all day.

On that note, I'm going to go use the HMV gift card I found while cleaning my desk and then I'm going to do something that doesn't involve staring at a 13" screen.

Philadelphia Smells Bad, But I Like You

My room is the same as when I left it, just cleaner. The walls are still blue. The calendar is still on June. It's like time stopped when I left, and now it starts again the moment I walk in. Now my bed is unmade as I lie in it. My desk is messy and my bag is half unpacked on the floor.

Feels like home, I guess.

But my clothes still smell like you, and my bed is too small and empty. The mirror in the bathroom is too big. The floor is cold, and my heart hurts.

Who is going to light sparklers with me and listen to Death Cab for Cutie?

Dear Diary, Summer's Almost Here

Dear diary,

Last night I went downtown to watch the Habs game and that was only slightly insane, with people climbing trees and streetlights and setting off firework/flare things. I had my last Liberal Arts class ever today. I feel like it's one of those things where I'll wake up in the middle of the night in July and start crying about it and then forget about it later. One more class and an exam and I'm done CEGEP forever unless I failed the english exit exam, which, I mean, like, probs not. I have a $4.50 library fee too. Somehow, in my own stupidity, I managed to forfeit a good 17-18% of my mark in one of my classes so instead of getting a high grade I'm getting a low grade, so that sucks. I'm torn between caring and not caring. Concordia won't accept my acceptance of their acceptance so as of right now I'm still not going to university in the fall but my high school finally called and they're going to mail my transcript to UBC but I doubt I'm going there anyway so that's that. Summer soccer has started so that means the imminent collapse of my lungs as I get back in shape after not moving for an entire year except to run to the bus stop. Oh, and I'm getting paid tomorrow too.

I can't wait till days don't exist anymore and everyday is Saturday. My summer schedule for work is available open - close every day except that one week in June where I go to New York and do this again.

That's all for now, diary,

xoxo,

Emily

Music Monday: Tonight, Tonight

Today is officially the day I stop counting them because it doesn't make sense to me anymore. And I've been thinking lately, about stuff. About me, obviously. mememe. Also, it's March now.

Tonight:


Whenever I hear the beginning of this song on the radio I think it's Disarm, which's strange 'cause they're completely different. Except for the violin part.

I'd also like to include Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness, the song that precedes Tonight, Tonight on the album.


What always got me was the 'Infinite Sadness' part. Infinite. Like 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower' infinite. Maybe we'll get there one day. It seems unlikely but we keep going anyways and I try not to wonder why.

Does anybody else think that Billy Corgan has a weird voice? I do. In any other kind of music I don't think I would like it. But it's the Smashing Pumpkins, and I love them.

andandand he says "the more you change the less you feel". Agree or disagree? I disagree. The more I change the more I feel. But I guess he's got an interesting point, maybe he means the more you change the more confused you are. I am very confused, often.

----------

Also - Monday unofficially is sweatpants day. I want Free City sweatpants. I want their new shoes. And all their clothes, but who the fuck could afford that shit? Besides Kate Moennig, obvs.

Sorry this post is all over the place. Actually, I'm not sorry. I'm just saying.

"We'll crucify the insincere tonight
We'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight
We'll find a way to offer up the night, tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight
The impossible is possible tonight
Believe in me, as I believe in you.. Tonight."
- The Smashing Pumpkins "Tonight, Tonight"