cheap honesty I.

MY DEAR FRIENDS, YOU ARE FUCKED. I LOVE YOU FAR TOO MUCH.

++

dec 6 2012

it would be really irresponsible for me to work 6am-3pm tomorrow right. and i should not be swayed by whoever picks up the phone

you cannot, emily. you HAVE to write your paper. seriously

do you know what it is. it is because if i don't go to work i don't leave the house. i need to go to therapy for my work related issues.

yeah....

i said no but i feel sad about saying no. i think i will take a shower.

maybe you should sign up for a hobby related class.

++

thinking of you listening to neko case

omg love neko case. what song are you listening to.

polar nettles

++

do you know any straight girls who wear men's underwear

random. i don't think so.

do you know any gay girls with long nails

yes...

...

.....

slash laughing alone in my room

did you finish your sound project?

i am finishing it now. so close. hence the hysteria. i keep getting interrupted by oscar who whines every time i close the door. then he stares at me when i open it

my roommate's cat used to do that. it made me hate him.

++

is darren being understanding?

yes he is amazing. he said he won't deduct marks as long as i hand it in while he's still marking the other papers.

wtf he is jesus. my idol.....

i know right

at least it's more generous than my 5 hour extension. ....which i didn't make.

++

dec 7 2012


i'm like moses: my body turns coffee into water.

some time later....

my shoulder feels dislocated

hola moses, mi examen final es hoy. then i am SO DONE. when are you finished?

tuesday

saweet. i smell a party.

well i was supposed to be mostly done this tuesday, but then i handed in everything late because of a mental breakdown and i'm still writing an essay because i'm a retard.

this is why we're friends, FYI.

i know i was thinking of you and how you're probably suffering just like me. we need to get out soon.

just found out my exam is 12 pages. 12 pages of spanish madness. officially getting off my phone.....now. see you when your social life finds you.

++

i got your other texts this morning because i was in bed..........i go to bed really early.

i know, because you wake up really early. i have 730 words written.

++

why are you calling me?! slash i bet it's a pocket dial.

one: i love how shocked (appalled?) you are that i might call and, two: it was a pocket...or book dial - i dropped my book on my phone b/c it sounded like one of the babies was dying in her sleep

you told me you never call people. for 2 seconds i felt really special. i hope the baby is ok.

indeed you are special, regardless. the baby turned out just to be snoring in the most old man way ever.

++

i am in a van, cramped up against the back because the self-entitled man in front of me put his seat far back. i feel like throwing up on the back of his head.

you should put your knees on his chair

ha, that is my plan.

damn those self entitled men. and the patriarchy.

you have no idea how much i hate men. sometimes i forget but it is always there, just simmering below the surface......probably only 5 percent kidding.

one day i will make you talk about your lesbian escapades....

one day.

soon.

++

dear darren, essay writing is going slowly because i am taking pictures of myself spooning my cat.

dear dr. cahill, your paper is still not in but i did spend an hour reading about how katy perry isn't a feminist and crafting an erudite facebook reply.

++

it's gotten to the point where i'm literally just collaging things other people have said about gail scott together and the only things i have written are "she argues that..."

hmmm....i suspect that is not going to work well....for darren....

i hope he appreciates my research. i did say that julie doucet and gail scott are both from montreal.

i just literally laughed out loud and i am in a van full of strangers.

how is that going by the way. are you almost there?

we are more than half way to toronto and i made the self-entitled asshole move his chair. he was rude (INDIGNANT) about it, if you can imagine (he has what is known as a "bucket seat" and so he is not even sharing/sitting beside someone!). 

well he is an idiot. those are the best seats.

yeah. basically that was the look i gave him and then i kneed his seat for extra effect.

you're the best.

i knooooowww..my bum is so NUMB. ....my text was in response to the seats being the best - i don't think my numb bum makes me the best. just so you don't think that.

++

I HAVE 3 HOURS TO WRITE 500 WORDS

YOU CAN DO THAT!

AHHH

half of that can be your conclusion!

the essay honestly makes no sense. it's kind of funny. at least i choose to see it that way

++

is it legal to rent an apartment in another country if you don't have a working visa (and you're not working)

no. but lots of people do it.

why is it not legal?

um i don't know. i think because you aren't doing anything there? maybe i am wrong but i don't know.... i guess if within a limited time...maybe?

hm. will do more research at a later date.

++

1,743 words i am so close i am so close i'm going to cry

yesssss. i knew you could do it!

i'm excited but slightly worried because this literally two essays about different things ... except that they are both from montreal!!! that sentence didn't even make sense.

WHAT THE MOTHER OF CRAP HAS HAPPENED TO MY DESK/LIFE

Not pictured: entire contents of wardrobe on bed.

Safe to say my life is in disarray. Is the semester over yet?

This Is The Story of a Girl

This is the story of Emily Choo who went to buy a bottle of wine at the grocery store on a Sunday evening and never returned. She disappeared into a vortex combination of insanity and patheticism. She didn't even care that patheticism is not a word. It all started when she saw the family sized pack of oreos on sale for $2.99. "Sweet deal!" she said and grabbed a box. Then she continued to the wine section, where she was disappointed by the lack of $6.99 bottles of white wine. Thinking she might have to pick red, her eye was suddenly caught by $7.39 boxed wine. Feeling as pleased as one can feel when buying a giant pack of oreos and boxed wine, she proceeded to the checkout counter where she promptly burst into flames and disappeared into said vortex of shame and madness and patheticism.

Inside the vortex Emily had a hard look at her life. She went to Concordia, not McGill; she studied Creative Writing, not "Business"; and she was drinking wine from a box (did it even matter that she couldn't find a glass at this point?). "I can name all the countries in the world!" She said, hanging on to this one useless skill as a shining point of her life. "I can name all the countries in the world and all the state capitals and the capitals of countries in Europe and South America," said her friend Rachel. "Fuck," said Emily, and overdosed on oreos. "Is it because I listened to dubstep?" she asked. "Because I swear to you, I don't even really know what dubstep is."

Then, seemingly from all around, a voice spoke:

"hi i'm oscar i'm your cat you went to the grocery store in your pyjamas that's just sad, and i have literally been asleep all day."

"Oscar! Kitty! I feed you! Help me!" Emily cried out. "Where are you?"

"hi i am on your bed getting hair all over your pillow. first of all, turn off that shitty music and put a bra on. second of all, get yourself a wine glass, girl. thirdly, write your goddamn midterm and don't forget to take out the garbage tonight ok."

And like a phoenix born out of its own ashes, Emily was thrown out of the vortex into her apartment where she could confirm that Oscar indeed was getting hair all over her pillow.

"hi no fucks to give," he said.

this semester i will do everything

MORE COFFEE, LESS SLEEP!

i will do it all: school, work, eating, drinking.

normally i can't do it all. normally i am very slow and require many hours of sleep therefore limiting me to about one activity a day. but, no! this year/semester (starting small) i will be in a constant state of motion. except right now because i'm in the library where there's internet.

anyways, so far my new life is going great. i am not freaking out about 6am wake ups and i haven't cried in like a week! though i might drop a few tears when i buy $300 worth of textbooks for one class.

Why Canadians Need To Vote In The Federal Election May 2

As you may or may not know, Canada is going to have a federal election on May 2, 2011. That's in like 2 days, guys. This election is very neatly straddling the line between "stupid" and "super important". Mostly it's stupid because we keep having elections and nothing has changed, and super important because, well, maybe it will.

There are all sorts of reasons not to vote, especially for young people. Politics can seem like this alternate reality in Ottawa where men in suits are really boring and money disappears and what exactly does it have to do with me? Maybe we don't realize the extent to which it does have to do with us because it feels like politicians aren't talking to us, aren't making policies for us, and just plain aren't taking us seriously.

Figuring out who to vote for and how the voting system works can be confusing, especially since most of that isn't taught in school. The Globe and Mail has a pretty decent rundown on the major parties and their policies, where you can compare their platforms. If you're not sure which party you align with the most, CBC has a vote compass to help you figure it out. If you're doing it and you don't understand or know which policies the questions are talking about, then that's a really good reason to look them up to see where you stand on these issues. Just because you're young doesn't mean you can't understand politics. Here are the ridings in Quebec. Find your riding, see who's elected now, see which way its leaning, and what's going on.

++

Elections Canada breaks down how our voting system works. Here's a quick explanation:

Canada's parliament is made up of two bodies: the Senate (appointed) and the House of Commons (elected). The government is made up of the House of Commons, ie, the people we elect. Canada is divided into electoral districts, known as ridings. One person from each party can run for election in a riding, as well as independents. We, the people, vote for one candidate in our riding. If that person gets the most votes in that riding, then they win a seat in the House of Commons and represent that riding as an MP (member of parliament).

Our Prime Minister is the leader of the the party with the most seats, or MPs, in the House of Commons.

So, for example, in my riding of Pierrefonds-Dollard, Bernard Patry of the Liberal Party is currently my MP. If everyone else in Canada elected a member of the Liberal Party to the House of Commons, then Michael Ignatieff, as leader of the Liberal Party would be our Prime Minister.

The system is a little bit messed up, in that we don't get to directly vote for who we want to be PM. If you happen to be in a riding that is extremely Conservative, then your Liberal vote doesn't actually go to the Liberals. Not to mention that the left is split into 4 different parties. This is how Stephen Harper was able to win a minority government in the last election despite the fact that about 60% of Canada voted for Not-Harper.

There are 5 major parties running in this election: the Conservatives, the Liberals, the Bloc Quebecois, the New Democratic Party, and the Green Party.

++

The Conservatives

Leader: Stephen Harper

These are some of my feelings, re: Stephen Harper:

+ Shitharperdid.ca

+ He wants to spend $29 billion on fighter jets

+ He wants to build more prisons despite the fact that crime rate is going down

+ He has filled the government lobby with pictures of himself

+ etc, sorry can't provide an unbiased review of Harper & the Conservatives

The Liberals

Leader: Michael Ignatieff

Some things I care about re: Ignatieff & the Liberals:

+ learning passport: $1000 a year tax free bursaries for post-secondary students (for 4 years)

+ cares about our environment - especially cleaner oil sand development

+ possibly introducing online voting?

+ youth hiring incentive

+ apparently care about women

+ is not Stephen Harper

Bloc Quebecois

Leader: Gilles Duceppe

To be quite honest, I find this party kind annoying. They take a fairly liberal stance on most things except that they want the separation of Quebec and Canada, which is basically reason enough for me to not vote for them. Aside from that, they will never have enough votes to become the government of Canada, though I understand the need for "Quebec to be represented".

The NDP

Leader: Jack Layton

Jack Layton did a good job in the debates for this election and is gaining a lot of popularity in Quebec. Here is part of the NDP's platform:

+ hire lots of nurses and doctors

+ $800m transfer to provinces and territories to lower tuition fees.

+ reinstating federal minimum wage (actually not entirely sure what this would do)

+ climate change accountability act

+ ELECTORAL REFORM!!! but also they want to abolish the senate. not sure how I feel about that yet.

+ Be not-Stephen Harper

The Green Party

Leader: Elizabeth May

My parents said that Elizabeth May should be the leader of the Liberal party and that sounds like something I can agree with. The Green Party is a lot bigger in BC than it is in Quebec. Also I find it weird that the Bloc is invited to debates but the Greens aren't.

+ The Green Party is much more committed to the environment than any of the other parties, it is the foundation of their platform.

+ establish a $10 minimum wage

+ "$400-millon annual increase in funding of post-secondary education needs-based scholarships and bursaries"

+ reform the electoral system

+ are also apparently the only party to have a budget (it's at the end)?

+ not Stephen Harper

++

This is basically information I have gathered from each party's website in about 10 minutes. But don't trust everything I say! Reading and getting at least a small grasp on where each party stands doesn't take a long time, and you want to vote for what's important to you, not what's important to me. So one more time, here's the vote compass and here's the Globe's comparison of party policies.

This is what I have to say to people who are not voting: Why do you live here? Why not live in a place where you don't have to vote, like, say, China? I'm sure you enjoy your rights and freedoms here in Canada. Well, so do I. Just because the system might not make perfect sense, however, is not a reason to not vote. If you really think it's that stupid, then spoil your ballot. But don't sit at home not caring, because this is your life. Don't throw yourself around like you don't matter, because you matter, okay? And you know what? This is my life too. This is my country, too. So when you don't vote, you're taking a little piece of it away from me.

So I'm Going to China This Summer

I might have told you already, but I guess it's time for me to "officially" announce that I'm going to China this summer!

This is what's going down:

It's an 8 week program with Concordia, kind of like an exchange except I don't think anyone is coming to Montreal. I'll be getting 12 credits, taking a 9-credit Mandarin course and a culture course. I'll be staying at the Communications University of China in Beijing with a bunch of other Concordia students and also other students from who knows where. The dates of my trip are May 20-July 16 so mark that on your calendars.

I don't speak any Chinese and I've never been to China so this is really exciting and I'm 95% sure I will start speaking to people in French when they don't understand me in English.

Because I'm going to China for 2 months, I'm also moving out of my apartment on May 1. I feel sad about this because I've really enjoyed living in my little room and living close to downtown. I'm happy to be closer to work for the next ~3 weeks until I leave, but doing anything besides work is going to suck because it'll take me an hour to actually get anywhere.

When I get back I'll probably live with my parents for the rest of the summer, or I might get an apartment for August. I'll probably be looking on craigslist again because I don't want to sign a lease, but if you know anyone who needs a roommate for the fall (in the Plateau area) let me know!

That's basically my life right now, besides working a lot because going to China is expensive and I have a lot of summer shopping to do.

How To Leave An Essay To The Very Last Minute

1. Get essay assignment ~1-2 months in advance.

2. Realize you have ~1-2 months to do it, tell yourself you'll "do it later".

3. Be reminded by professor that you have ~1-2 weeks before your paper is due.

4. Repeat step 2, replace "months" with "weeks".

5. Decide on a topic.

6. Feel accomplished.

7. Do nothing for a while, bask in accomplishment of choosing a topic.

8. Take some books out of the library ~2 days before paper is due.

9. Become addicted to a TV show, decide you are "stressed" from thinking about your paper, need to watch TV to "relax".

10. 1 day before paper is due: begin to panic

11. Start working on paper.

12. Go on tumblr.

13. Eat.

14. Have a mental breakdown for ~3 hours.

15. Lie in bed recovering from breakdown.

16. Go on tumblr.

17. Panic some more.

18. Realize you are not going to any classes the next day, start counting in terms of hours, convince yourself you can write a paper in 12 hours, no sweat, no need to sleep.

19. Write a blog post about how to not write an essay.

20. Pour yourself a drink and settle down for a loooooong night.

PS. This was me in high school, not me now. Minus the drinking part. That part is now.

ETA: I should also add that writing one sentence = feeling of accomplishment = worth 1 hour break. Repeat until done and/or dead.

ETA2: 21. Learn a new song on the guitar/develop a new hobby that will take years to master thereby ensuring you have a way to procrastinate for every next paper.

Where Are My Keys I Lost My Brain

Do you want to hear a funny story? I'm sure you do. Today I had a Very Important Exam and I forgot a few things at home:

1. a pen

2. the keys to my house

3. my brain

Fortunately I managed to get a pen but not the 2 other things. That's okay because I have tonight to stave off insanity before the next Very Important Exam.

Today I wanted to talk to you about WINTER but I totally forgot everything I wanted to write about a few days ago and haven't been able to remember since. So I'm sorry I have the mental capacity of a fetus. There are so many hipster photos of the desolation of winter on tumblr, you can just go look there.

Anyways, I'm just going to tell you a few things, in a addition to the few things I told you last week.

1. there are 222 unread items in my google reader

2. what should i eat for dinner?

Alright, so there's not much going on in my head that doesn't have to do with school. Look, here's a graph I made about my brain.

I sure hope that that's mathematically accurate as I am one of those people who are mathematically challenged ("I crack jokes now and then, but it's only because I struggle with math" - Tina Fey).

But seriously? The end of this semester is kind of making me sad. See, even though I didn't really like this semester, I really liked this semester. I think I didn't like this semester because I was really sad for half of it. But once things started to pick up, I really enjoyed my classes. Except for the Canadian Law one which makes me want to BLOW MY BRAINS OUT (though I still think it's a really important class to take and therefore am proud of myself for sticking it out and simultaneously disappointed in myself for forgetting s.10 of the Charter on my VIE today). And even though Concordia's library is not as cozy and comfy and beautiful as Dawson's, I've still come to appreciate it for its weird sections and stairs that make me out of breath, even if right now there are too many people and not enough chairs and desks.

Basically I am not ready for this semester to be over (I am kind of ready for exams to be over, though) (I would like to learn things and not have to prove that I've learned them). I am, however, really excited to read things that I want to read and watch movies that I want to watch! So far I have ~2.5 weeks of break to read:

1. Veronica by Mary Gaitskill

2. Inferno by Eileen Myles

3. The Wind-Up Bird Chronicles by Haruki Murakami

and 2.5 weeks of break to watch:

1. the episodes of 30 rock I've missed

2. Last Train Home

3. Trembling Before God

and anything else that might come up.

Also I'm going to England the 22nd of December with possibly no internet which might be the most freeing thing in the world. Not that I don't love you, internet, but sometimes you are just so overwhelming and clingy. I'm coming back though, don't worry.

Identity Crisis

I've never seen myself as particularly "Western" before, but that's because I live in The West. I identify as a Canadian partially as a reaction to the things surrounding me that are Not Canadian, like the United States. I notice my "Chineseness" because of all the Non-Chinese people around me. And I identify as gay, or queer, because of the "divide" between queers and straights. If there was no such thing as heterosexuality I wouldn't need to identify as queer at all. I would just be. Even though I'm Chinese, I'm also mostly Canadian, or Western, or North American. I wouldn't fit in in China at all!

That's sort of how I feel about living in the West. Prior to this semester I had never taken any courses that taught me anything about places further east than Europe. Africa was just this one chunk of land that was full of starving black people and South Africa had some white people. "South Africa" could basically have referred to the lower half of Africa.

But now I'm learning things about The East and it makes me feel really self-conscious of my North American Status. I've never felt that before because I don't feel like I'm an embodiment of "capitalism", but I guess I probably am. It's really hard to talk about things that are not Euro-centric without bringing in my own presuppositions and attitudes and I feel like I'm interfering in something that isn't mine. I feel like Stuff White People Like: Being an Expert on YOUR culture. Like, look at me, some North American with enough money to go to university and listen to another North American talk about Asia.

I think I feel weird about this because I've never been a "majority" before. I can't look at myself the same way anymore. I can't ask the same questions anymore. I don't wish that I was Eastern. I wish that being labeled as "something" wasn't so important. I wish that I didn't have to feel "American" and that democracy is the best and everyone should have democracy. I feel weird about having "power" but also I don't feel like I have power. I don't know. This probably stopped making sense a long time ago. I'm having an identity crisis, I'll get back to you on my feelings later.

So Sick of Being Tired and Oh So Tired of Being Sick

There are a few things causing problems in my life right now.

I cannot register at Concordia until Monday. This causes problems for a few reasons. Namely, anxiety. Guys, I can't sleep. I'm not even joking. For the past two days I have wanted to throw a brick at my wall because all the classes I want to take are full. I have made a mock schedule and it causes me anxiety to rearrange it. It causes me anxiety to think of all the other people who are registering right now and taking up spots in the classes that I don't want to take but will have to take because the other ones are full. If I have to read Joy Kogawa's Obasan again I will drop out of college immediately.

The reason I took so long to start the registration process at Concordia was because I was waiting to hear from UBC which only sent my acceptance on May 14. Then Laura came and I was distracted. Then I called Concordia and they only scheduled my academic advising session for June 14.

Making a schedule is really hard. I think I must've been concussed when I decided to major in Creative Writing. Probably I should have looked at the degree requirements and the classes and maybe talked to an advisor about this stuff, but I didn't, I applied 2 days before the deadline and then through word of mouth I heard that it was a really good program, and still I didn't look at the courses and now I'm here in this spot, confused because I just want to write stories and I don't want to read Margaret Atwood and I don't want to study 18th century drama. I feel like maybe I should've known that Creative Writing is actually English Literature in Disguise with Four Creative Writing Classes to Throw You Off.

Sometimes I think I'm stupid. Not stupid like, 'I can't solve this math problem', but stupid like there's something that I'm missing. There's something about my life that I don't understand, that I don't get, when I finally do get it I'll have this "ooooohhhh" moment where everything makes sense and I can live my life better, but then I think that maybe there is no moment of revelation and as soon as I stop being so naive and realize that this is it, there is nothing else to "get", then I can come to terms with the fact that Modern Poetry in English is full and I can get on with my life.

But I can't stop thinking that maybe it will open up.

I think I just care a lot, you know? "I just want life in every word, to the extent that it's absurd" (and if this was an academic essay I would probs do some MLA shit right here, like, "Gibbard, Clark Gable", or something). Anyways. The point is that sometimes life is hard! And confusing! And no one wants to help you! And I want all of it, all of life. And you think one thing but it's really another thing and you feel cheated and upset, but maybe 17th Century Prose & Poetry is not as bad as it sounds (who am I kidding? It probably is) (but life goes on) (is what I'm trying to say).

if i lived in an alternate universe where there were no consequences to pulling the fire alarm when there is no fire

things i have done today:

wake up

eat breakfast (bagel with cream cheese butter)

post something on tumblr

email laura

water dazzler

this is dazzler

things i need to do today:

bike to pharmaprix

shower

eat

email james

read some harry potter

go to work

eat

stop feeling sorry for myself

laura and i watched alias separately together last night because we are really dorky.

yesterday i was waiting in line at the student service center at concordia to hand in a piece of paper and i was standing next to a fire alarm. while looking at it i realized that if there was a fire i would have no idea how to pull the fire alarm. i couldn't see a pulley thing. it looked one block of red smoothness. then i wanted to touch it to see if i could find the handle. then i wanted to pull it to see if i could figure it out. even though i had this really weird desire to cause chaos this other rational part of my brain told me that pulling the fire alarm in order to determine if it actually worked was a really stupid idea. so i stood there staring at it instead.

evidence that you were here:

a train ticket stub

the scent of the pillow where your head once lay

my sudden urges to do the dishes

Tomorrow Never Knows What It Doesn't Know Too Soon

Today is the last day of 2009. Tomorrow is going to be an entirely new decade. I don't know what to think. I guess a lot of people are doing year end reviews and whatever. I don't really have the energy to do that because I can't remember things because I'm old now. Jk! Next year I turn 20, so this is my last year as a teenager. Kind of a scary thought.

Yesterday I was going over in my mind every month of 2009 to think of eventful .. events and I couldn't remember what I did for march break. I did nothing.

Significant events of 2009 in chronological order: meeting katrina, losing the hockey finals, working for autostraddle, getting a "real" job, going to new york for the autostraddle rodeo disco, going to new york for the second time, quitting hockey, being back at school and being happy, going to dc for the march on washington.

It's unlikely that I will ever link to the first 3 months of this blog ever again.

Significant events that I expect will occur in 2010:

January 8-13: NYC

January 11: it will be this blog's 1 year anniversary. weird, huh?

January 17: T&S concert

January 20: back to school ("significant"?)

Everything after that is up in the air. I expect to receive a letter or something from UBC either accepting or rejecting my application and from there I guess I'll have to make some decisions. I want to move into an apartment in the spring/summer. I want to make more trips to NY. I want to still have a job to pay for said trips. Maybe I'll go to Europe. Maybe I'll be in love. I don't know what's going to happen. It's kind of exciting. Hopefully my friends still like me in 2010. Maybe some a really good movie will come out. Maybe a really good book will come out, though I feel that's unlikely. Maybe I'll write a really good book.

Anyways. 2009 was a pretty good year and 2010 looks pretty good too. I mean, I think I'm finally growing up, or whatever. And I'm glad I spent 2009 with the people I did. Because I love love. And disobeying everything my eighth grade teacher taught me about starting sentences with "and", "but", and "because". (I'm JKing about that. Grammar lesson to follow in 2010). Happy New Year!

How to Succeed in Two Easy Steps

School is fast approaching. It is, it is. I'm sort of excited because once school starts it means it's that much closer to being finished which means that I can once again spend the summer attempting to get employed or else live in solitude and get fat. I'm also not excited about school for the main reason that I won't sleep for the next three months, I'm not joking, the insomnia has already started. School stresses me out. My hair is weird today, it's doing this curly thing at the back I don't like.

Anyways, I'm totes ready to get out of CEGEP and go to university. I'm planning ahead, I want to succeed. I realized that if I applied to university for the fall semester I wouldn't get in with my marks, which is a kind of unpleasant, unwelcome thought, and has thus spurned me with a desire to get! good! grades! this semester. I mean, I always want to get good grades, but more than usual this time, really. This is like a new years resolution which will probably go out the window the second I have to wake up at 6 am to catch a bus full of sweaty suits and sit through classes trying to pay attention and eat at the same time and if it's Monday, Tuesday, or Thursday then I'll be at practice thus exerting more energy that by the time I get home it's hard to lift a fork to shovel food in my mouth let alone open a textbook and use my brain which has probs turned into mashed potatos. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I am going to fail life. JK that's not what this blog is about. This post is supposed to be about how I'm going to succeed this semester. I will! get! good! grades! because my life depends on it and if that's not a hot rod up the ass then I don't know what is, besides maybe an actual burning stick of iron.

First of all, I'm writing this is so that I know I at least thought about succeeding and considered my future. Originally I had planned on writing five ways I would succeed this semester, except I can only think of two things which just goes to show how prepared I am. Though I figure doing shit like this is how I'm going to begin to not fail at life, you know? Unless I get distracted trying to write blog posts when I should be doing homework, then this will just be a big fail, like um, this blubber seal thing.

1. Positive Attitude

Uh.. lame. But seriously, how can I get through a semester and get! good! grades! without a positive attitude? I know if I don't want to work, then I won't. Therefore, I must always want to work, and I will always want to work if I'm motivated and I get the feeling that I CAN DO IT. You know what I should do? I should watch this before doing homework, besides helping me procrastinate, it inspires me to take over the world. yeswecanyeswecanyeswecanyeswecan!!!

2. Not Procrastinate

This is obviously the hardest thing ever, it's going to be my downfall, my reason for not getting enough sleep and for failing and then failing some more.

How to "not procrastinate"? I have no clue. Tips, anyone? Hints? I have never not procrastinated. Maybe I should like, do my homework at school during breaks instead of sleeping. This is hard, especially since my brain has problems functioning at all hours of the day except from 11:55 am to 12:00 pm* which is a really small window, and checking my schedule, I only have a break at that time on Monday's which effectively rules out doing things properly since it takes me five minutes to get to the library anyway.

The only third thing I can think of to help me succeed is to actually do my work, but I figure that's pretty obvious and redundant. Clearly I don't know anything about being organized, I just wing it half the time and go with the flow. Maybe success is one of those "make it up as you go along" things, like this blog.

So yeah, that's how to fail -- I mean -- succeed. For the low, low price of $20 I will share my three other secrets to success, guaranteed to work so I won't need to give you your money back. Batteries not included.


*Just kidding, I don't actually know when my brain functions properly, probably never.

"All of the things that go to make heaven and earth are here.
All of the things that go to make heaven and this.
Success was survival and kid, it still is."
- The New Pornographers "All of the Things That go to Make Heaven and Earth"