if i were on the titanic i would lose my brains

k. made me watch 'the titanic' last night til 1am --

what the shit is that movie even about

and why do i know half of the lines by heart?

of course afterwards i had to wikipedia 'the titanic'

and read the whole damn thing --

of particular interest are the rich and famous who died.

then k. and i had a debate about whether or not

it's better to drown or burn in a fire.

i said 'burning in a fire sounds more painful

but drowning causes panic and chaos

and if i were on the titanic i would lose my brains'.

she said 'i'd rather die of hypothermia'.

i said 'it's funny that 10 years after this movie,

james cameron staged his comeback with 'avatar',

another poorly-written huge piece of crap,

and then he lost 'best picture' to his ex-wife kathryn bigelow

who also became the first female to win 'best director' at the oscars'.

we both agreed we were never going on a cruise ship.

cheap honesty I.

MY DEAR FRIENDS, YOU ARE FUCKED. I LOVE YOU FAR TOO MUCH.

++

dec 6 2012

it would be really irresponsible for me to work 6am-3pm tomorrow right. and i should not be swayed by whoever picks up the phone

you cannot, emily. you HAVE to write your paper. seriously

do you know what it is. it is because if i don't go to work i don't leave the house. i need to go to therapy for my work related issues.

yeah....

i said no but i feel sad about saying no. i think i will take a shower.

maybe you should sign up for a hobby related class.

++

thinking of you listening to neko case

omg love neko case. what song are you listening to.

polar nettles

++

do you know any straight girls who wear men's underwear

random. i don't think so.

do you know any gay girls with long nails

yes...

...

.....

slash laughing alone in my room

did you finish your sound project?

i am finishing it now. so close. hence the hysteria. i keep getting interrupted by oscar who whines every time i close the door. then he stares at me when i open it

my roommate's cat used to do that. it made me hate him.

++

is darren being understanding?

yes he is amazing. he said he won't deduct marks as long as i hand it in while he's still marking the other papers.

wtf he is jesus. my idol.....

i know right

at least it's more generous than my 5 hour extension. ....which i didn't make.

++

dec 7 2012


i'm like moses: my body turns coffee into water.

some time later....

my shoulder feels dislocated

hola moses, mi examen final es hoy. then i am SO DONE. when are you finished?

tuesday

saweet. i smell a party.

well i was supposed to be mostly done this tuesday, but then i handed in everything late because of a mental breakdown and i'm still writing an essay because i'm a retard.

this is why we're friends, FYI.

i know i was thinking of you and how you're probably suffering just like me. we need to get out soon.

just found out my exam is 12 pages. 12 pages of spanish madness. officially getting off my phone.....now. see you when your social life finds you.

++

i got your other texts this morning because i was in bed..........i go to bed really early.

i know, because you wake up really early. i have 730 words written.

++

why are you calling me?! slash i bet it's a pocket dial.

one: i love how shocked (appalled?) you are that i might call and, two: it was a pocket...or book dial - i dropped my book on my phone b/c it sounded like one of the babies was dying in her sleep

you told me you never call people. for 2 seconds i felt really special. i hope the baby is ok.

indeed you are special, regardless. the baby turned out just to be snoring in the most old man way ever.

++

i am in a van, cramped up against the back because the self-entitled man in front of me put his seat far back. i feel like throwing up on the back of his head.

you should put your knees on his chair

ha, that is my plan.

damn those self entitled men. and the patriarchy.

you have no idea how much i hate men. sometimes i forget but it is always there, just simmering below the surface......probably only 5 percent kidding.

one day i will make you talk about your lesbian escapades....

one day.

soon.

++

dear darren, essay writing is going slowly because i am taking pictures of myself spooning my cat.

dear dr. cahill, your paper is still not in but i did spend an hour reading about how katy perry isn't a feminist and crafting an erudite facebook reply.

++

it's gotten to the point where i'm literally just collaging things other people have said about gail scott together and the only things i have written are "she argues that..."

hmmm....i suspect that is not going to work well....for darren....

i hope he appreciates my research. i did say that julie doucet and gail scott are both from montreal.

i just literally laughed out loud and i am in a van full of strangers.

how is that going by the way. are you almost there?

we are more than half way to toronto and i made the self-entitled asshole move his chair. he was rude (INDIGNANT) about it, if you can imagine (he has what is known as a "bucket seat" and so he is not even sharing/sitting beside someone!). 

well he is an idiot. those are the best seats.

yeah. basically that was the look i gave him and then i kneed his seat for extra effect.

you're the best.

i knooooowww..my bum is so NUMB. ....my text was in response to the seats being the best - i don't think my numb bum makes me the best. just so you don't think that.

++

I HAVE 3 HOURS TO WRITE 500 WORDS

YOU CAN DO THAT!

AHHH

half of that can be your conclusion!

the essay honestly makes no sense. it's kind of funny. at least i choose to see it that way

++

is it legal to rent an apartment in another country if you don't have a working visa (and you're not working)

no. but lots of people do it.

why is it not legal?

um i don't know. i think because you aren't doing anything there? maybe i am wrong but i don't know.... i guess if within a limited time...maybe?

hm. will do more research at a later date.

++

1,743 words i am so close i am so close i'm going to cry

yesssss. i knew you could do it!

i'm excited but slightly worried because this literally two essays about different things ... except that they are both from montreal!!! that sentence didn't even make sense.

10,000 tonnes happiness and sadness

hi i'm oscar and today i bring you an anecdote of emily in china when she went in a little book shop and bought a tiny cup with a picture of a whale on it that says "10,000 tonnes happiness and sadness" and gave it to her father as an espresso cup.

she says nobody understands 10,000 tonnes happiness and sadness. also she says that they all say "this isn't chinese" as if everything from china has to be in chinese.

i think that maybe some people don't get it because they have never experienced 10,000 tonnes happiness and sadness. emily has because she is bipolar and insane. maybe if you are reading this you are also insane and know what i'm talking about.

now i recently completed my studies in psychology so i know a lot about happiness and sadness. i know 10,000 tonnes of it, you might say. i know why emily thinks the expression is cool. it is because sometimes you might feel like you can hold happiness and sadness in your hand. a whole whale of happiness and sadness. your body is a vessel for feelings. i am a cat so my body is a vessel for snacks. one day you might feel so happy that you think you might float away on a cloud of medium-thickness into the bright blue sky. then the next day you might feel like your body is an anchor pulling you to the bottom of the sea where you will drown. i learned metaphors in my english class it was mandatory as part of my phd. it is possible to feel like you have 10,000 tonnes of feelings inside you.

ok does everyone understand 10,000 tonnes happiness and sadness now? plz incorporate this into your vocabulary so that when emily speaks you know what she's talking about. it is important that you at least pretend to know what she's talking about.

Food In My Apartment Right Now

+ one egg

+ three boxes of crackers

+ five boxes of cereal

+ ten boxes of tea

+ five cans of tuna

+ five bags of pasta

+ two packs of tortilla wraps (totalling 20 tortilla wraps)

+ two large bags of raisins

+ two bags of sugar

+ two bags of flour

+ three cartons of a vegan vanilla soy beverage

+ three boxes of microwavable popcorn (totalling 9 bags of popcorn)

+ one bag of chips

+ two packs of fish-shaped crackers

+ one pack of ramen

+ three bagels

+ two loaves of bread

+ two tomatoes

+ one banana

+ one avocado

+ one kiwi

+ two packs of banana flavoured tofu (?)

+ one macaroni pie (?) (roommate's words?)

+ one million patties (?) (roommate's words?)

+ one carton of milk

+ two containers of plain yogurt

+ and more

Why In The World Would I Want To Be Perfect?: A Lament On Braces

Warning: the following blog post is extremely dramatic and contains language which may not be suitable for people who don't like swearing. Reader discretion is advised.

++

A few weeks ago I went to the orthodontist and he suggested that I get 3 or 4 braces on my bottom teeth to fix this one tooth that wasn't doing what he wanted it to do.

My orthodontist had made this proposition to me 3 months earlier before I went to China and I had laughed in his face. Braces? Um, yeah right. Back track to 8 years ago when I was 13 and the same orthodontist said my braces would be on for a year to a year and a half. They were the new, stronger type at that time. Fast forward a little bit to a few weeks before my prom with braces still on. You know, 4 years later.

I often say that glasses are ruining my life, but when I was in high school, braces were ruining my life. If you've never had braces before then I'm sorry but you just don't understand. Unless you have some other kind of mouth thing that rips the inside of your cheeks repeatedly or had to have elastics tying your mouth together or been forced to cut the corn on the cob off the cob, you just don't understand. So, 3 months ago, when my orthodontist suggested braces, my initial reaction was

FUCK NO.

NEVER.

FUCK OFF.

FUCK YOU.

FUCKING DIE.

NO.

He said come back after China and we'll talk about it.

This time, I was more prepared when he asked me about braces again. I really don't want braces, I said. I tried to emphasize the 'really'. In fact I said it multiple times. I really, really, really do not want braces. I have been going to this place since for 7 or 8 years. My dad has paid you a bajillion dollars. Leave me the fuck alone already.

But he showed me a mirror. I've seen it already, the crooked tooth. I look at pictures of myself and it's plainly obvious to me (but probably to no one else). This one stupid tooth is turning my perfect thousands-of-dollars smile into something less than perfect. The nurse said it might even get worse (but probably not). That's just ridiculous.

Normally I embrace "flaws". I'm a really short person, but will that bring me down? No! I will use it to my advantage! I was born this way!

But 8 years ago I had made the decision to change my teeth. It was work, it cost money, it was literally painful, I cried real tears probably way too much during the braces years. They really weren't as cool as they looked on my older cousin. But with anything that I work on, I want the end result to be good. No, I want it to be perfect. Did I go through 5 years of braces hell to finish with one crooked tooth? No, I did not. When I start something the finished product needs to meet my unrealistic expectations/standards of perfection. (Okay, that part might be where I'm a little bit crazy).

I sat in the chair and looked at my teeth in the mirror. What the fuck does this stupid tooth think it's doing anyway? How did this even happen? I refuse to believe that I am not the master controller of everything in my body. I will will this tooth to fix itself. Barring that, I will learn to love my crooked tooth. Nobody will notice it. Plus, I always seem to have crushes on people with crooked teeth. If I don't want them to change, why should I want my teeth to change? I'm almost 21 years old! My braces time is over! It's too late. Fuck that noise. People will learn to love me with my crooked smile.

Who am I kidding? I said yes to the braces (mostly because I want to be famous and famous people have straight teeth) and then I went home and cried because I'm a baby. Also because the receptionist said they were fully booked until October, and I'd have to wait until bloody motherfucker goddamned October. Goddamnit. I hate everything.

If only the orthodontist could have done it in August when I had my appointment, they could practically be off by October. Instead, I'm going to have them for Halloween, my birthday, Christmas, New Years...

I really, really, really want to call them and cancel my appointment. Just fuck it. It's one tooth, it's not even that crooked. These people are causing me serious emotional turmoil. Come on, Emily, you can do it. Tell them (politely) to fuck off. Pick up the phone...

I really, really, really don't want braces. But I also really, really, really don't want crooked teeth. Fuck me. Why oh why do I crave perfection?

I've Decided That I Am Going To Be Famous

So after many years of thinking I didn't want to be famous, I have now decided that I do. I mean I have now decided that I am going to be famous. This abrupt shift in thinking came after realizing that Alex Pettyfer was born the same year I was, and also Lily's article where she realizes that she can no longer be a teen star because she is not a teen anymore. It's weird because I don't even really like Alex Pettyfer or teen stars.

But since I've decided to be famous, I've run into a bit of a problem, namely that I have no marketable talent such as: acting, singing, dancing, playing an instrument, improvising, painting things, modelling etc. Therefore I've concluded that I will become famous by being the next J.K Rowling, except younger. See, I need to be a young famous person so that I can influence the young generations with my words and bestselling book(s) and change the world. Also because I don't want to wait 20 years to be famous.

Also I will make good poetry popular again and move to the west coast where the other famous people are.

Tina Fey will read my book and write a movie about me, which reminds me that I need to read Tina Fey's book. I will be famous by the time Tina Fey is 50 years old.

If the book thing doesn't work out then I'll let people take naked pictures of me until I have enough money to buy my way to fame, or at least an apartment in Los Angeles (that's basically being famous, right?).

If at the last minute I decide not to share my naked body with everybody on the internet, and the book thing really doesn't work out, then I guess I'll just have to get a day job or something. Ugh.

Nobody Cared About The Giant Goldfish In My Bathtub

Last night I had a dream that a giant goldfish came out of the drain while I was in the shower in a giant 4-story home where I lived on the 2nd floor with a couple with a baby, but nobody cared about the giant goldfish because somebody related to me had just given birth to a baby and everybody (and by everybody I mean my cousin and this girl I used to work with?) was all obsessed with the baby. I was in my towel like, "you guys, a GOLDFISH. In the BATH." And they were like "BABIES BABIES BABIES BABIES".

image via autostraddle's prop 8 recap, a thing totally unrelated to my dream

What does this mean in my life. Please advise.

Then I had to stop crying and eat dinner.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

wore sweatpants today. no longer care if i run into [redacted].

Monday, November 1, 2009

Today I bought cigarettes so I could stand outside on Maisonneuve and potentially see [redacted]. Except that I bought bitchsticks and she wasn't there.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Goal of the day: don't cry. Accomplished. Got the job at American Eagle. Really, really, really tired. 2 exams left.

Saturday, November 14 2009

Went bar hopping on St. Laurent. Decided to text [redacted*]. She never answered. Met up with [redacted] at Biftek. [redacted*] was there. She ignored me. I got drunk.

++

Wednesday, October 27 2010

She said she really wants to hug me in the winter. Then we talked about other things which were nice, like sweaters and heat.

Monday, November 1 2010

tried to get some work done on my break but didn't accomplish much. Went grocery shopping at night.

Wednesday, November 10 2010

worked 6-9:30. [redacted] got mad at me for standing around and made me feel bad. But I had just zoned out and there was nobody in the store.

Sunday, November 14 2010

She asked if it was something she said but it wasn't. I didn't know what it was. I went in my bed and cried and had a breakdown but I don't know why. I just felt lonely. Then I had to stop crying and eat dinner. Also [redacted] said she bought me something for my birthday. Everyone is so nice to me and I don't know why.

Identity Crisis #2: Hair

The last time I got a haircut was in the middle of August on top of a roof by professional hair cutter & stylist Laura Wooley Mammoth and I was half naked. Look, here is a picture from that same day.

my hair stylist and I are closepersonalfriends.

I usually get my hair cut every ~3 months as my hair grows fast and it is also short which means that I have to cut it in order to avoid the shaggy dog look. But this year I moved out of my parents' house and September, October, November, and parts of December happened and by that I mean my life disintegrated to the point where I was a frumpy mess of clothes lying in bed wondering if I actually existed. In between this and trying to spend as little money as possible, I seriously considered letting my hair grow out. I have not had long hair since I was 17. Mostly every time I think about growing my hair out, I think about the shaggy dog phase and then decide that I don't want to do it. In November I asked for a haircut for my birthday, which I didn't get. I don't remember what I was thinking at the time. I think I just couldn't be bothered to get a haircut/didn't want to spend money on it/wanted my professional hair stylist to do it until I decided that I wanted to grow my hair long enough for a full ponytail and then cut it off.

Okay, most of that is bullshit.

Here's what I noticed when I first cut my hair back in grade 11: people started calling me 'sir'. I have never been called 'sir' until I cut my hair. I have to make a bit of a stretch to see where people get confused with my gender, but I can see it. I get it, kind of. One might say that I have an androgynous face. I don't know. Some people are surprised when I tell them people call me 'sir', some people are not.

I also noticed that when I got a fauxhawk I got called 'sir' a lot more, especially at work. This led me to wear v-necks and boots with heels more often.

You see, this is the truth: part of me is afraid I am growing my hair out because I want to "pass". I'm afraid I'm doing it for the wrong reasons. Semi-consciously I've tried to pass at work because let's face it, it's fucking awkward when customers realize you're not actually a 'sir'. I've spent most of my life wanting to fit in with the "normal" kids, but I could never wear the dresses or heels or 234 different kinds of make up. But I could have the long hair. Right? A teeny tiny part of me wants to be normal.

But really, I want to be a person who is not afraid to be herself. Sometimes I am. I want people to recognize that there is more than one way of looking like a girl. I don't want to pass.

On the other hand, I want people to see that lesbians can have long hair.

On the other foot, I don't want my hair to be my identity. Does anyone really care about my hair that much. So while I sit here pondering the meaning of my existence my hair is growing longer. It's in a ponytail and it's really cute, if I may say so myself.

The other truth is that I will probably cut it all off and run rampant like a good angry queer feminist with a radical homosexual agenda and sweet combat boots. JK about the combat boots.

How People Find My Blog

You guys, I'm worried. What is poilet fuking. In other news, this would explain why "the hairline receding" gets so many hits.

However, none of mine are quite as bad as Allie's from Hyperbole and a Half.

Greenland is Projected As A Giant Land Mass But In Reality It Is Not

Laurrrrita Wooley Mammoth showed this to me when she was in Montreal.

This is a map of the world. Did you know there are more than one different projections of maps? I did not, which was probably naive of me. Forgive me for thinking that map making might be objective/accurate.

The photo above is a mercator map. You might recognize this type of map as seen in all your classrooms, my bedroom which probably never been in, textbooks, etc. It has its uses. It's good for navigating the seas. It shows the shapes of countries accurately. But it also distorts the size of countries the farther away from the equator they are. For example, in this map, Greenland is almost as big as Africa, when in reality Africa is 14 times larger than Greenland. The problem with the mercator projection is that it tends to make the West seem a lot larger than it is. Does this sound like some sort of familiar colonialist rhetoric?

This is the Gall-Peters projection.

If you notice in this map, Greenland is tiny, and Africa is HUGE. China is HUGE. Brazil is HUGEish. And Europe, and Canada, and the United States got a little smaller.

This is apparently what the actual size of countries are. I don't know. (I'm finding it a lot harder to trust map-makers now). It's likely that I'll never know unless I find a way to go into space and position my rocket in a way so I can compare the size of different countries. The problem is that you can't show both shape and size accurately. You have to pick one.

Now this is a site you want to read. I'm serious. It's well worth your time.

Okay so the picture I wanted to show you doesn't work because my background is black. But here it is.

Greenland is 0.8 million square miles. China is 3.7 million square miles.

Go. Go read this right now. Have your world view changed.

"The Year In Review": A Few Things I Remember

1. [f a l l i n g in and out and in and o u t of love]

With everything, and everyone, constantly. I just can't do the highs and lows. Well, sometimes I don't understand me and sometimes I don't understand you. I don't know you or me. I don't understand the happiness or lightness of love; I don't understand the sadness and excessive weight of love. I've given you all and now I'm nothing.

2. ["Christmas is S O D U M B."]

I am Scrooge/The Grinch. Whatever. Christmas is stupid. I'm only partially sorry if that offends you. What is Christmas about anyway? Is it the birth of Jesus? I honestly don't even know. I don't even really care. All I want for Christmas, really, is some new socks. Because the majority of my socks have holes in them. I am happy that I am escaping this Christmas obsessed world and going to a tiny bubble in the middle of nowhere with people who also don't care about Christmas.

(Alright, so Christmas hasn't happened yet, but today on the metro I saw a man with a Christmas tree and I thought "oh yeah, I guess it's about that time to throw out Christmas trees" and then I realized that December 25th hasn't actually happened yet. That's how much I care about Christmas.)

3. [g r a dua t ing]

I did it.

4. [s u m m e r in America]

It was hot. There were fireworks and a parade and everyone I love in Riese's living room. I feel sad and nostalgic because it will probably never happen again, I mean, not like that. You and I are not the same people anymore. But we are still beautiful.

5. [moving i n and o u t and in and out of h o m e]

Frequently I ask myself "why do I live here" and fail to produce a decent answer. Then one night I slept in my old bedroom and felt annoyed at all the space. My room was too big. It doesn't matter. Nothing is ever clean in my apartment. But my small room feels at least a little more like home. It's warm and the bed is comfortable. It's safe.

I still feel like I don't know where I live, or where home is. I guess that's normal.

6. [the year in r e v i e w]

I remember parts of the year. I remember February, vividly. I remember March and feeling high and happy and perfect. Things made sense in March. I think I went on a camping trip in April. I remember my legs sticking to the seat of the bus in May. June and July are stuck together in a gooey mess of sweat and kisses and tears. August is one long train ride to nowhere. September - November is 10,000 feelings I'd like to erase. I am drained and pulled apart.

I am tired and I'd like to stop counting. I'd like to stop counting backwards and forwards. Sometimes all I know is that I'm a mirror of other people's feelings and opinions, a composition of people who came before me. Sometimes I'm amazed at the love I feel, and the strangeness of how I can love people I don't know, so much so that I turn the people I claim to love into strangers. Sometimes I'm surprised at how angry I am, when I don't know where that anger comes from. But mostly I'm surprised/unsurprised at the way the world heals itself, and how when everything feels upside down, the world will turn you over again.

"I love the number of people

you can love at the same time,

one deep, erotic love,

radiating even to strangers,

cynics, making a temporary sense

of the senseless, choreful day."

- Stephen Dunn "Loves"

Is this year over yet.

Identity Crisis

I've never seen myself as particularly "Western" before, but that's because I live in The West. I identify as a Canadian partially as a reaction to the things surrounding me that are Not Canadian, like the United States. I notice my "Chineseness" because of all the Non-Chinese people around me. And I identify as gay, or queer, because of the "divide" between queers and straights. If there was no such thing as heterosexuality I wouldn't need to identify as queer at all. I would just be. Even though I'm Chinese, I'm also mostly Canadian, or Western, or North American. I wouldn't fit in in China at all!

That's sort of how I feel about living in the West. Prior to this semester I had never taken any courses that taught me anything about places further east than Europe. Africa was just this one chunk of land that was full of starving black people and South Africa had some white people. "South Africa" could basically have referred to the lower half of Africa.

But now I'm learning things about The East and it makes me feel really self-conscious of my North American Status. I've never felt that before because I don't feel like I'm an embodiment of "capitalism", but I guess I probably am. It's really hard to talk about things that are not Euro-centric without bringing in my own presuppositions and attitudes and I feel like I'm interfering in something that isn't mine. I feel like Stuff White People Like: Being an Expert on YOUR culture. Like, look at me, some North American with enough money to go to university and listen to another North American talk about Asia.

I think I feel weird about this because I've never been a "majority" before. I can't look at myself the same way anymore. I can't ask the same questions anymore. I don't wish that I was Eastern. I wish that being labeled as "something" wasn't so important. I wish that I didn't have to feel "American" and that democracy is the best and everyone should have democracy. I feel weird about having "power" but also I don't feel like I have power. I don't know. This probably stopped making sense a long time ago. I'm having an identity crisis, I'll get back to you on my feelings later.

WHY IS EVERYTHING SO WEIRD .COM

OH MY GOD

WHY ARE YOU WEARING THOSE PANTS

landmarks:

+ october 23, 2009 - dying/saved. i have changed/not changed.

+ birthday approaching - don't want to talk about it. currently compiling a list of things i want/need/intend to solicit people for.

+ one year at ae - help, i have feelings. want this sweater asap. i have so many feelings about my job.

currently:

+ wish everyone would read laneia's blog.

+ there are many things that i would like to say to you, but i don't know how.

+ definitely going to need more ice cream.

three wishes:

+ someone to come grocery shopping with me

+ stop imagining people into people i wish they were, instead of the people they are.

+ no one can leave before i'm ready

(but they already have)

I Think I'll Print It In The Personals That I'm Looking For A Match

Wanted: Robot Girlfriend

Position starting immediately - mid/late-December

Tasks:

+ eat dinner with me

+ go grocery shopping with me

+ do laundry with me

+ be available for hours of cuddling and spooning (therefore it would help if you are a critter)

+ come over when i call you on the telephone

+ appreciate random text messages

+ make me breakfast in the morning

+ go to bars with me at the last minute

+ bake with me

Bonus if you:

+ have a car

+ have money

+ like sweatpants

DO NOT APPLY IF YOU:

+ have feelings

+ like to wake up early

+ have a life

[also this:

Wanted single F,

under 33

must enjoy the sun

must enjoy the sea

sought by single M F

nothing too heavy

send photo to address

is it you and me?]

Also also I live here:

JUST SAYING. Maybe you want to come over or something.

This Is An Important Lesson About Seizing The Day

"Sad things: I came back for my shoes and someone had bought them. I feel more bothered than I should be. guess I should learn to carpe diem or something."

Some days I wake up and feel like SEIZING THE MOTHERFUCKING DAY. Some days I wake up and feel like sleeping the day. This is fine because our society is not set up for all people to seize all days all the time.

"Seizing the day" relies on the idea that the future is unknowable. That means that you could die in 5 minutes or tomorrow morning or right now. If you die right now, the last thing you will have done is read these words. Is that how you want your last seconds to be spent? Have you accomplished everything you wish you could have ever accomplished before you died? No. You haven't. The goal of seizing the day is to MOTHERFUCKING DO THINGS YEAH because everyone knows you regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did. It's better to try something than to spend the rest of your life wondering what could have been.

If I died right now my grave would read:

Emily Choo

[dates]

Daughter,

Girlfriend,

Unpublished author,

Employee of American Eagle

Um, LAME. I mean, of course, there is tons of shit that I have done but it's too long to fit on a tombstone. If I were to operate on the "carpe diem" philosophy based on my fake tombstone and the idea that I will die tomorrow, I would quit my job right the fuck now. Then, most likely, I would wake up tomorrow, still alive, and then I might die and my tombstone would read:

Emily Choo

[dates]

Daughter,

Girlfriend,

Unpublished author,

Unemployed

The thing about seizing the day is that humans have habits and responsibilities that lie beyond the face of "today". So how do you seize the day when you have a bunch of shit that you don't want to do? What if you have to do shit that you don't want to do today so that you can be happy tomorrow? We can't skydive every day, you know.

The answer is this (I am telling you the answer to life, the universe, and everything): 42.

Jk.

The answer is to seize the day some days. Seize the day on important days. Buy the shoes, but keep your job. Do your homework, but when you go out, make it count.

Here is some good advice from my favourite TV show 30 Rock:

Live every week like it's shark week.

Dress every day like you're going to get murdered in those clothes.

And some of my personal advice:

When the time comes for someone to write your obituary, make sure they have something to write about.

Emily Choo

[dates]

Seized the day,

most days.

Things The World Is Trying To Convincing Me Of

+ I have breast cancer

+ I have brain cancer

+ My body is eating me from the inside out

+ I don't exist

+ I will never complete a full to-do list

+ I need therapy

+ I need to eat healthier

+ I need to exercise more

+ My breasts are going to be saggy

+ Getting old is the apocalypse

+ 25 is old

+ I need to grow up

+ University is a waste of time (why does the world convince me of this?)

+ University will get me a job

+ We're all going to die in 2012

+ Everything is going to be fine

+ Mo' money, mo' problems

+ My plane is going to be hijacked

+ I need to have children

+ There are too many children

+ I need to be more cultured

+ I need more money

+ STOP PANICKING

+ I need to panic

+ I can be anything even superman

+ Good things come to those who wait

+ Seize the day

+ I don't know enough

+ I'm lazy

+ I know too much

+ I don't read enough

+ I'm going to get cancer from smoking, second-hand smoke, using my cell phone to call people, microwaves, hair dye, x- rays, asbestos, bottled water, chips, genes, deodorant, chinese food, coffee, sunblock, bleach, orange juice, pesticides, low cholesterol, everything on this list, stress, obesity, white bread, cookies, crackers, everything yummy, alcohol, artificial flavours, being a woman, being a man, bubble baths, fake nails, lipstick, menstruating, pizza, redbull, tattoos, sex, shaving, third-hand smoke, everything in the whole world except tomatoes and the sun

+ Technology is evil

+ Technology is the best thing ever

+ I should live in the woods

+ We're all the same

+ I'm a unique and special snowflake

+ I'm depressed

+ I have ADD

+ I'm schizophrenic

+ I'm bipolar

+ I'm OCD

+ I have an anxiety disorder

+ I need to be a STRONG POWERFUL INDEPENDENT WOMAN

+ I need 5 jobs

+ Wikipedia is not a valid source of information

+ Everyone is scared so shutup

+ Nikki needs a chandelier

+ There are spies among us

+ Spiders won't eat me in my sleep

+ I need to be famous to accomplish things

+ I need to love more

+ I need to love less

+ I have SARS

+ I'm going to hell

+ Hell is not a real place

+ There's an app for that

+ I need to be kinder

+ I need to be more patient

+ I need to do things for myself

+ Shakespeare was the greatest writer of all time

+ I need to stop being so hard on myself

+ People care

+ No one cares

+ The answer is somewhere else

+ I need to follow my heart

+ I need to listen to my brain

+ The arts are a waste of time

+ I need to recycle more

+ I need to learn how to drive

+ I need to drink more water

+ I need a crutch

+ Drugs are bad

+ I'm stupid

+ I'm smarter than you

+ I need to leave my house

+ There is no cure

+ There is a God

+ There is no God

+ CLEAN ALL THE THINGS

+ I NEED MORE MONEY

+ I NEED MORE EXPERIENCE

+ I NEED MORE CULTURE

+ I NEED MORE THINGS

+ I NEED LESS THINGS

+ I NEED A TOOLBOX

+ I NEED TO TRAVEL

+ I NEED TO HAVE FUN

+ I NEED TO CALM DOWN

+ I'M ABNORMAL

+ I'M NORMAL

+ MONEY

+ SEIZE THE DAY

+ TRAVEL

+ MONEY

+ JOBS

+ INDEPENDENCE

+ MONEY

+ NO SLEEP

+ SEIZE THE DAY

+ MONEY

+ ORGANIZE

+ SETTLE

+ CLEAN ALL THE THINGS

+ MONEY

+ MENTAL DISORDERS

+ DISEASES

+ GOVERNMENT

+ EQUALITY

+ MONEY

+ POWER

+ FAME

+ CLEAN ALL THE THINGS

+ EXTINCTION

+ POTATOES

+ DIY

ETC. FOREVER AND EVER OMG

Is Anna Wintour Practicing Mind Control On Us?

Do you ever read something on the internet and then you can't stop clicking links and searching until hours and hours have passed and you've read 100 wikipedia pages and your eyes burn? The other day I watched The Devil Wears Prada and became so fascinated with Vogue/Anna Wintour/Fashion/Meryl Streep's Character that I started searching for all these things and next thing you know I'm watching The September Issue and reading a biography of Anna Wintour at Chapters.

It's just so crazy! She's this all-powerful woman and impossible to determine her true character. I read her wikipedia page and here's a woman who's been nicknamed "Nuclear Wintour", dislikes fat people, is cold and aloof, and reportedly once sent a plate of roast beef to anti-fur protestors outside Vogue's building. Then, I watched The September Issue and was kind of surprised. The only impressions I took away from the documentary were a) Grace Coddington is awesome, b) Anna Wintour is kind of cute, and c) she doesn't seem that evil.

See, everybody knows that it's hard to get a real grasp on a person (especially someone like Anna Wintour who is very private) from speculation, press/random articles, and fictitious books maybe based on her. That's why I was so curious to see The September Issue. Ultimately I was kind of disappointed. I feel like I learned more about Grace Coddington's character than Anna's, besides seeing the potential that Anna is in fact a human being with a heart/soul, though probably they didn't show everything they could have shown about her, and probably she gave the answers she wants other people to hear. Don't trust things that can be edited. The September Issue did nothing to help me decide if Anna Wintour is a cold-hearted bitch or a strong/ambitious person who is also shy and has incurred the wrath of many beneath her. She's also aroused the curiosity of many, and done very little to satisfy it, much to my dismay.

Says The Globe and Mail: "If you want the dish on Vogue fashion editor Anna Wintour, you'll get more from the Wikipedia entry than in the whole of R.J Cutler's documentary, The September Issue." (except this whole article is full of errors but WHATEVER)

All I know for sure about Anna Wintour is that she is fucking influential. She's the reason why we have celebrities on the covers of magazines! She's the person who "ignited the fur industry"! Anna Wintour controls what is in style SHE CONTROLS WHAT YOU WEAR! Is Lady Gaga her protégé and are they brainwashing us and taking over the planet?

Is Anna Wintour this person...

...or this person?

In any case, I'm going to reread ("read") the only copy of Vogue I've ever bought (March 2010 with Tina Fey on the cover) more carefully now.

Does anyone care about this? What happens when Anna Wintour retires?? She's been the editor-in-chief of American Vogue for over 20 years! WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO THE WORLD!? IS IT WEIRD THAT I'M SO FASCINATED BY THIS WHEN I DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT FASHION!? WHO IS ANNA WINTOUR!?

Boy Scout Loves Mountaineer

I don't watch a lot of tv, but every once in a while I get a push that starts me watching a show. For example, back when Carly used to do Televisionary Tuesdays on Autostraddle, I did screencaps for her. One of the shows she was recapping was How I Met Your Mother. Unfortunately I was screencapping the season 4 finale and had no idea what was going on, only that it was really funny. So then I spent the next two weeks watching every episode ever of HIMYM until I was caught up. Then, this holiday break, I started watching The Office. Literally all I did was sit at home and watch it. After that it was 30 Rock which I also ate up until school forced me to read a book. I'd like to add that I haven't seen the end of any of these shows most recent seasons.

Currently I am totally caught up in a really old show: Alias. Alias is different from the previous three shows I mentioned for a number of reasons, namely, it's not a sitcom. Alias is funny on purpose about 2% of the time and funny by accident about 37.72829% of the time. The rest of the time it's either terrifying or completely ridiculous. Because the truth about Alias is this: it is terrible/AWESOME.

I started watching Alias in Philadelphia with Laura's friend and have been kinda hooked ever since.

Alias actually scares me. Maybe it's because Laura and I watch it at 1am or maybe it's because I'm a big baby, but there hasn't been an episode where I either close my eyes or block the computer screen because I AM SCARED. When I was 11 Buffy the Vampire Slayer used to terrify me, until I started watching it when I was older (and years after it had finished) and it was hilarious. I am even older now and I think Alias is way scary!/suspenseful.

The thing about Alias, though, is that while there are scary moments, mostly it's just campy. There are only 2 kinds of music on Alias: the heavy bass, techno-y pump up music they play when Sydney is on a mission, and the lesbian music they play when things are sad (which is often). Once they played Coldplay. Alias is that kind of show where, when the bad guys shoot, they miss, and when the good guys shoot, they don't. It's also a show full of convenient coincidences and really good timing by the CIA. Like oh, obviously when Sydney's knee is about to get blown off she is saved. Also Sydney knows every language. Ever. Once Laura saw a wire holding up a plane.

Have I mentioned Jennifer Garner yet? Jennifer Garner plays Sydney Bristow. She has nice skin. Sometimes Sydney has to use disguises. Sometimes she looks like this:

Sometimes she looks like this:

Um, if that's not incentive to start watching, I don't know what is.

++

I decided to interview my partner-in-viewing Laura about her feelings w/r/t Alias.

Emily: What is your favourite Sydney Bristow disguise?

Laura: This one, she's got a Spanish fan, and red hair and a red dress with long sleeves and slits at the sides, and super cleavage and she's wearing a black bra underneath. And her eyes are really really made up.

Emily: Is that it?

Laura: Yeah. She swings on a rope and can knock somebody out.

Emily: What about that one where she walks out of the pool and a man follows her?

Laura: Nope. That's not it.

Emily: That's not it? Not when she's in a bathing suit?

Laura: Nope.

Emily: I like when she's blonde.

Laura: I like her whenever she has red hair, and I don't even like red hair. I also like the one where she chewed gum and had blonde hair and pearls.

Emily: What is the campiest thing about Alias?

Laura: What about Alias is not campy?

Emily: I thought that you might say the wire holding the plane.

Laura: Ohmygod, the wire holding the plane. No, that's not campy, that's just ridiculous. Probably the fact that... I like it when things are named really obvious things. Like that alliance between them was called "The Alliance". Also the episode names are kinda dorky.

Emily: Does Alias scare you?

Laura: On occasion because I don't like it when they get into weird supernatural shit and I'm alone in my house at night.

Emily: Weird supernatural shit like what?

Laura: Like frying bodies.

Emily: Oh yeah, that was really creepy. That one just made me sad.

Laura: It's gross.

Emily: What do you think about the music in Alias?

Laura: It's a very strange combination of techno/jam/rave and and Indigo Girls concert with mixes of Coldplay thrown in for good measure.

Emily: I feel like I'm just asking you to confirm everything I've written in my post.

Laura: So maybe you shouldn't interview me.

Emily: Probably not. Do you have anything to say about Alias? What is your favourite thing about Alias?

Laura: I like that she kicks ass and takes names. And even though she's in love with a man she still fights with him when it comes to mission stuff, she doesn't just agree with him. I guess what I'm saying is --

Emily: I guess what you're saying is "I'm a feminist!"

Laura: -- Alias has a feminist agenda.

Emily: What do you think is Sloane's master plan?

Laura: Jesus, I don't even know. I think he's probably trying to bring Elvis back from the dead.

Emily: Have you eaten dinner yet?

Laura: I didn't eat dinner today.

Emily: Aw, are you hungry?

Laura: Well, here's what I've eaten today: 3 slices of pizza (but they were small slices), a cupcake, a little bowl of pasta, a granola bar, an apple, a cinnamon roll, some cheese. The end.

[we talk about food, Laura gets an email]

Laura: I have a question for you if you don't have any.

Emily: Okay.

Laura: Do you want to watch an episode of Alias?

if i lived in an alternate universe where there were no consequences to pulling the fire alarm when there is no fire

things i have done today:

wake up

eat breakfast (bagel with cream cheese butter)

post something on tumblr

email laura

water dazzler

this is dazzler

things i need to do today:

bike to pharmaprix

shower

eat

email james

read some harry potter

go to work

eat

stop feeling sorry for myself

laura and i watched alias separately together last night because we are really dorky.

yesterday i was waiting in line at the student service center at concordia to hand in a piece of paper and i was standing next to a fire alarm. while looking at it i realized that if there was a fire i would have no idea how to pull the fire alarm. i couldn't see a pulley thing. it looked one block of red smoothness. then i wanted to touch it to see if i could find the handle. then i wanted to pull it to see if i could figure it out. even though i had this really weird desire to cause chaos this other rational part of my brain told me that pulling the fire alarm in order to determine if it actually worked was a really stupid idea. so i stood there staring at it instead.

evidence that you were here:

a train ticket stub

the scent of the pillow where your head once lay

my sudden urges to do the dishes