This Blog Is Moving For 2 Months

Hello! As I'm sure you may have heard from all the various news reports and covers on magazine stands, I am going to China TOMORROW Monday, May 7!

Holy shit! You're probably thinking to yourself. How can I keep in touch with Emily when everyone knows that China is slightly neurotic and blocks access to facebook, twitter, blogger, and wordpress thereby rendering all current social media irrelevant? Well, the hidden gem that China has not yet discovered, at least not last year, is tumblr! So I will direct your attention to THE ONLY WAY I WILL HAVE NOT-PRIVATE CONTACT WITH THE WORLD AT LARGE:

thisisntpaper.tumblr.com

this
isnt
paper
dot
tumblr
dot
com

essentially I will be moving my blog to tumblr for 2 months.

also my email is in my blogger profile if you want to contact me directly regarding future photoshoots or interviews.

This year I'm actually going to try and document the majority of my trip which will be easier, I think, because I won't be in a classroom and because I'm bringing a digital camera. Also I'll have my cell phone which will really just be my ipod that takes pictures please don't call me.

Now that that nonsense out of the way, I just want to sort of comment on something. People keep asking me "what are you going to do in China?" and I never know what to say because I find this question very confusing. It's like when someone tells you they're going on vacation to NYC and you ask them what they're going to do there. Well, they're going to eat and drink and see all the touristy shit and be in New York. Unfortunately we're only going to be in NYC for one night; in China Rachel and I are going to sit in our tiny un-air conditioned hostel rooms and not talk to each other for two months.

life is sweet in the belly of the beast

i've disappeared from the internet for the past few months. the truth is that i've just been living real life instead. i'm sorry because the internet has given me so much and not sorry because it feels good to live, and i think i'm actually happy even though i don't believe happiness is a real sustainable feeling.

my internet friends probably have forgotten i exist; my real life also probably hate me because i'm always at work. work counts as real life, right? 'cause i've basically given up my right arm and leg and firstborn child to my job. it might not even be a real job, i haven't decided yet.

rory culkin

sometimes i'm more okay with not knowing who i am than others. i know i've changed, i can feel myself changing and sometimes it's scary because i said i wouldn't become this person. but here i am and i'm just me and sometimes that's okay and sometimes i don't like it but i'm learning to live with it. i'm trying to be less stressed on the bus when i think i'm late.

i don't know what i want or who i want but i have some ideas i think. like maybe film school so i can tell my stories better. or something else but i don't know yet. i guess i'll just have to see, then, right?

for now...i'm off to toronto for 2 days then back on boxing day to work. i'm tired but excited about things and i don't really know what's going to happen in the new year so i'm just going to go with it. enjoy the holidays, my friends.

Dear Grandma,

Stop doubting my cooking abilities.

Love,

Emily

Dear Diary 06.30.10

Dear friends,

This is Emily. I am in Philadelphia. Just chillin', you know. Last weekend I was in NEW YORK CITY for RODEO DISCO NUMERO DOS that's why there have been a lack of updates. I would like to do a full and proper recap of my feelings for this weekend but I don't really have time because I have to go meet Laura with food so we can have a picnic in the park. Anyways, my general feelings are this: last year everything was very tall, especially the buildings and Marie-lyn Bernard. I sat outside Mason-Dixon the whole night. This year the buildings were still tall and so is Riese but I think I grew a little bit. The fact remains that I love everyone at Autostraddle with all my heart and soul. Maybe I will write more about it when the mood strikes.

Here's a picture.

Till next time weirdos!

I've Been Distracted

A Non-Linear Approach to Learning, Or Something.

The last few posts of mine have been pretty depressing so I thought I'd shake it up a bit and post something that requires less from me and more from you. Also I forgot to write something for today.

I'm pulling a leaf out of autowin's book and posting links to stuff I'm "currently reading/doing/listening to/etc.

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+ Have you heard The National's new album High Violet? You can listen to the whole thing for free on NPR. My favourite track so far is Bloodbuzz Ohio. High Violet is released on May 11.

+ The other stuff I'm really listening to right now is from Jonsi, the lead singer of Sigur Ros. Listen to his whole album Go on his website. For free.

+ Holly Norris and Jes Sachse made their own "American Apparel" ads in response to the apparently "regular" people who model for AA.

+ A woman goes to an anti-racism workshop and discovers that we're all racist. For what it's worth, being "colour-blind" is not productive, nor is being afraid of offending someone because you mention something that's part of their culture. As someone in the comments said: "As a Canadian of Japanese ancestry, I have spent my entire adult life trying to allay the burden white people carry about their whiteness or my lack thereof. "No. I would prefer if you didn't promote me to comply with your stupid, misguided and racist employment equity program." Or of late: "No. I don't find Sumo suits racist, but I find your pandering to my sensitivities very offensive.""

+ Mother's Day when you're unmothered. Also read the Slate article it links to. DO IT.

+ So I saw Justin Bieber and Sean Kingston's new video for "Eenie Meenie" a song you've probs never heard and it is surprisingly catchy. The song. Not the video.

+ Riese team picked this on autostraddle, and I love it. A new poem from Eileen Myles called "Smile".

+ Also, obviously, you should be reading autostraddle. Specifically you should read: part one of a 3 part feminist roundtable discussion, and some phone versus the iPhone 4G: a srs analysis.

+ Have you checked out my tumblr?

Open Letter to Santa Claus

Dear Santa,

for Christmas I'd like Bill Watterson to make more comics.

Thank you,

Love,

Emily

And In Short, I Was Afraid

But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
though I have seen my head [grow slightly bald] brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet -- and here's no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
and I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
and in short, I was afraid.

T.S Eliot - "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"

++

I have a fear of bikes. Really. I'm afraid of going too fast, afraid of losing control, afraid of getting hurt. I'm afraid of getting my pants stuck in the gears. I'm afraid of the gears ripping a hole in my leg.

It might be because of that time I hurtled full speed down the steepest hill my 6 year old eyes had ever seen and flipped over the handlebars. My aunt decided to walk her bike down but my cousin rode down so I did too. I just followed people in those days. I rode right into a pile of rocks and forgot what brakes were for.

I don't want to get hurt. Hurt, (how could you have forgotten?) hurts. I don't want to die.

++

I'm also afraid of horses, which is really stupid considering I went to horseback riding camp for two years. I followed my cousin there too.

It's not just that, though. I'm afraid of drowning. I like the air, I like the ground, and I like both to be readily available. Maybe it started in Mexico when I followed my cousins into the ocean and was gasping for breath, for control of something -- the water, the ground, my limbs maybe, -- something that would get me out of there. I discovered the ocean is beautiful from the shoreline.

I'm afraid of driving too fast. I don't even drive. It's not even the accident potential, it's the I'm-afraid-the-car-is-going-to-blow-up feeling, which is less likely to happen than an accident. I have no control. When I was little I never liked when my dad twisted and swerved. As the highway whizzed by I quietly imagined car crashes in the backseat.

I guess it goes without saying that I'm afraid of airplanes too. I don't want to crash in the ocean. I don't even think I'd make it to the ocean, let alone the emergency exit. I'm afraid of the oxygen masks the lady in the video so calmly puts on, like the last seconds of her life aren't just ticking away. I like my own air. I like my feet on the ground. Real ground.

Maybe it started some eight years ago, when I suddenly realized I was about to fly over the ocean in a giant piece of metal. I was going to England with my grandmother and I was about to say goodbye to my dad. Maybe it was because I was afraid to leave, or maybe I was seized with a panic and certainty that we were going to crash. I refused to even go to the boarding gate. My grandmother cried, she thought I didn't want to go with her. And right then, I was afraid to tell the truth.

I can't control anything on a plane. Turbulence practically makes my heart stop. I don't want my last meal to be plastic chicken. I don't want to die in a place where no one outside the plane can reach me. I don't want to die in no man's land. I don't want to die. And I don't want to survive on a plank of wood because I don't want to be eaten by sharks and I don't want to die of starvation, 'cause then I'll really wish I'd eaten the plastic chicken. I don't want my last meal to be plastic chicken.

I don't want to nosedive into the ground. If it wasn't clear, I'm also afraid of roller coasters.

Other things I am afraid of: Jumping too high on the trampoline, skiing down double black diamonds, skiing, cancer, hospitals, not recording everything because I am afraid of forgetting.

What it comes down to is this: I'm afraid of pain, and I'm afraid of dying because I'm not ready to go. Hurt hurts. Every single one of my fears is based on dying.

But more than that, I've been afraid to live. This is something I've known for a long time. I've felt it, as people moved faster than me in other directions, and I stood there because I'm too scared to move. This is something I've struggled with; how do people do it? How come my cousin went down the hill without a scratch? How come everybody I know likes to drive fast?

I'm afraid of the physical things and the mental things. I'm afraid of knowing things and not knowing things. I'm afraid I'm doing it all wrong.

And would it have been worth it, after all,
would it have been worth while,
after the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
after the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor --
and this, and so much more? --

T.S Eliot - "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"

++

It was Christmas 2008. The first time I had ever spent Christmas somewhere without snow.

I don't know why, but I'd just had the urge to go to California. I missed the weather, the clouds and the rolling fog, the ocean from from a safe distance, the big houses, the other world. I missed San Francisco, which felt safe, and Berkeley, which felt cool and homely.

It was fun to watch people walk down the street wrapped up in their jackets and hats and earmuffs in 11 degree weather. Somewhere north of the border there was a snowstorm happening.

I loved the decorations on the houses. Outside it looked like spring, and yet, there was santa on a roof. There were reindeer in the yard. It's weird to imagine Christmas with no snow but I loved that crisp feeling in the air. I loved the smell of Berkeley, the shops, the streets, the laughter. I loved my aunt's house, the sheets, the cat, breakfast in the morning. The colours of the flower petals were more vibrant, the food more organic. Yes, everything there is good, good, good. I felt good.

But it turns out there are scary things in Berkeley too. More things I'm scared of, like people. Also, there's me. Sometimes I'm scared to know who I really am. Sometimes I'm scared that someone might see me. You know, really see me.

There are also bikes in Berkeley.

And hills. Big hills.

Do I dare
disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
for decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

T.S Eliot - "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"

We decided to go for a bike ride on Christmas morning. I'm afraid of bikes. I used the smallest one, which even then was too big. I tried not to be afraid, but it's hard when you're afraid of everything.

Going for a bike ride up a hill with my family? The irony wasn't lost on me. I'm afraid of getting hit by a car.

The top of the hill was beautiful. I could see the whole city. I could see the clouds and the rolling fog, the houses with lights and decorations. I could see forests of trees which seemed to be greener than any I'd ever seen at home.

The only way back was down, down, down. My cousin began his descent easily, breezily. Even my aunt went ahead of me, experienced and steady. I started after them, slowly. I guess I still follow people. My cousin was way ahead. Occasionally I could see the back of my aunt's windbreaker, puffed up with the wind, at the corner of a turn. My hands were gripping the handlebars tightly, my stomach was tense. My fingers were holding the brakes halfway, ready to do the full squeeze at any time.

The thing about going downhill is that you don't need to pedal. Gravity will take care of everything. I don't really want gravity to be in control, I want to decide how fast or slow I go. The thing with gravity is you don't have a choice. No one does.

My cousin made it look easy, riding down a mountain. Everyone makes it seem that way. I remembered that last time I followed a cousin down a mountain on my bike.

But I was already going down. My aunt and my cousin were getting further and further ahead of me. And then it just clicked. I was in San Francisco. It was 11 degrees. It was Christmas. I was outside, I was alive, I was in love with the big scary world. Maybe there was something waiting for me at the bottom, maybe there wasn't. It didn't really matter. I loosened my fingers on the brakes. I let go.

There is something very freeing about flying down a mountain when you don't want to. The colours blur together, the air fills your lungs, the ground disappears --

There was nothing at the bottom. The road continued as it does, as they all do. I crossed it and went home.

The truth is that I'm still afraid. This could be one of those stories where my life changes for the better when I finally let go of my fears. But it's not. I went back to Montreal and stayed the same, for the most part. But that's not the point. The point is that I did it. I left Prufrock at the top of the hill. For a glorious half hour I sailed through life. I opened my heart and touched the sky.

Let us go then, you and I,
when the evening is spread out against the sky...

oh, do not ask "what is it?"
let us go and make our visit.

T.S Eliot - "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"

Auto-Whhaat?! The Revolution is Here!

Hi! I'm back from New York! Do you guys like Tegan and Sara? Good! Listen to this while I write about this, the most amazing thing to happen to planet earth and the universe and the stars. Here's a picture:


Maybe some of you don't know this but I'm interning for Autostraddle and we had a big party this weekend with a mechanical bull. For serious. Anyways, more about that will come when I recover. Goodnight! I love you!

We Left Our Love in Our Summer Skin

It's June 1st! I don't really know what that means except June has always signaled summer to me, even though my summer started like three weeks ago. So I feel like today is the first day of summer, obvs it's raining and cold outside, and nothing significant is happening. Anyways since today is Monday I thought I'd post some songs in honor of June 1st and also to distract people from reading my retard post last night.

[bright eyes - june on the west coast]
i thought about my true love, the one i really need.. with eyes that burn so bright they make me pure. i long to be with you

[the decemberists - summersong]
Okay, this isn't really a happy song but wtvs I love it 4eva. Maybe if you like alliterations you'll like this song too.
summer arrives with a length of light, summer blows away.

[the ataris - boys of summer]
This was my favorite song for two years. It's actually a cover of a Don Henley song except this version is better.
out on the road today i saw a black flag sticker on a cadillac. a little voice inside my head says "don't look back, you can never look back."

Happy June everyone!

Books I Am Currently Reading

Soooo, now that I work at a job that is 3% picking up garbage/drawing baseball lines and 97% sitting in a chalet, I have a lot of time to read and talk on the phone and do sudoku. But mostly read. I like to keep track of things like this 'cause I'm a weirdo and I want to know how many books I'm gonna read this summer! So I'm making my list here. Also this is like a book club with myself and maybe with other people if they want to participate.


Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

Hands down totes one of my favorite books ever. Ever.

"There are few people whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well. The more I see of the world the more I am dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of either merit or sense." - Elizabeth Bennet

Sigh. I urge you to read this book if you haven't already.


The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

Which was just a dumb idea because it made me depressed for like 3 days. Also frustrating 'cause I still connect with that book, probably even more so than when I first read it in grade 9.
"We accept the love we think we deserve." This line has come back as one of the truest things I've ever read.


Redwall by Brian Jacques

This is a series kinda like Lord of the Rings but not. It's about mice and other woodland creatures! I like fantasy books, they appeal to my imagination. Don't make stupid jokes. Anyways, once you get past the exaggerated, dramatic style of writing it's actually a pretty good read. I'm already reading the second book Mossflower, but after that I'm probs gonna read Harry Potter again. I think there are like, 20 Redwall books, the latest one was published in 2008 (just fyi the first one was published in 1986).

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It seems weird that with Prop 8 being upheld recently that I'm going to a wedding on Sunday. We take our rights for granted. Read what Katrina has to say about it.

San Francisco Part IV - in Black and White

Continuation of some of my faves from SF..

Coit Tower at night

downtown SF

Lady making focaccia

Boarding a street car

The rest from this roll are here.

"When they call it a lover's moon
the satellite
'Cause it acts just like lovers do
the satellite
The burned out world you know
staying up all night
the satellite"
- Elliott Smith "Satellite"

San Francisco Part III - The World in Black and White

I have to say the black and white photos from my trip are my favorite. These are my favorites from among the favorites.



Amoeba record store in Berkeley. Really, really cool place.


Street music..

Dangly things they sell at sidewalk sales

Campus access information at the University of Berkeley..

Couple - waiting in line to get to Alcatraz..


Cells at Alcatraz

The rest from this roll are up on flickr. Tomorrow is part IV!

"I remember on the sidewalk when I bike up to the hills
You singing in the headphones as I told you that I will
That song again in the alleyway takes me to my door
I'll be back for more.
I'm 14 forever so don't leave me alone."
- Stars "14 Forever"

If You're Going To San Francisco Part II

In preparation for

the final twist
we often document
the soon-to-be past
in hopes that we
will not be forgottenin the future.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The following were taken by my cousin Nick:

There are more, bigger and better quality, if you're interested drop me a line and I'll send them to you.

"I'm alive,
but a different kind of alive
than the way I used to be."
- Okkervil River "Starry Stairs"

If You're Going to San Francisco Part I

To begin,

Sometimes we are bigger than we think.

Sometimes we are not who we think we are.

Sometimes we are alone.

Sometimes we are not.

Sometimes we are children.

Sometimes we are a part of everything.
Sometimes we are nowhere to be found.

We are always, always beautiful.

To be continued..