The Year in Review: Sometimes I Disappeared, But I Want To Come Back

It's that made up time of year when I decide to look back at everything that has made me who I am up until this very point of writing. These times come for me usually in that gray area when one thing ends and another begins; right now it's school ending and summer beginning. In a week I'll be on a plane to China. I think that maybe this is important because it's the exact same thing I did last year.

I'm sitting in my parents' kitchen right now, drinking tea and eating stale raisins. The weather is cloudy and I think it rained this morning. I just got back from A-Camp on Sunday night and I don't really know what to do with myself. It's a lot quieter here.

The thing is, this year, I don't need to ask myself "how did you get here?" because I already know that inertia got me here. Does that make sense? What I mean is that I didn't do anything at all to get me anywhere. In September I thought to myself that I was a whole new person with realness, tangibility, and form and I stepped outside of my brain and decided I was going to crash into life.

But it turned out that life was just work. And I threw myself into that with all the force I could muster because it made me feel like a real person. It made me feel needed and important and like I was really doing something, even if it wasn't actually important at all. I could say to people "I'm working" and it could be a thing that people understood. You know? It felt normal. Like, God, I'm just so normal, going to normal work all the normal time. And I felt all the normal feelings, which is to say, I really didn't feel anything at all.

What really happened is that everything else in my life fell away. I wanted time to "focus on myself" but it turns out that that meant ensuring that I got the proper amount of sleep every night. Everything was just fine in that fine way, where I didn't cry I just sort of despaired when things were sad and then did whatever it was that I had to do. I believe they call this "going through the motions" and Buffy Summers sang about it on her hit TV show "Buffy the Vampire Slayer".

I feel proud of myself because I made + saved enough money to pay for my entire trip to China all by myself. All the money that I'm using is entirely mine that I worked for, and financial independence is something that I've always wanted so this feels like a big step for me. It's okay to feel good about that, right? Money makes me so uncomfortable and I wish that everybody had a lot of it or that nobody had any at all. But I guess this isn't really about money.

It's about how I closed up and disappeared and became a non-entity. I worked a lot but it was only about money in the sense that I needed just enough to pay rent and keep some in my bank account. I worked a lot so I could hold on to something that seemed to make sense to everyone else ("work") and I didn't let myself think about the other things that I wanted. It felt good to have a team at work, to be known and to feel solid. That was sufficient.

But before this year, my life wasn't about sufficiency. It was an overflow of feelings all the time and I cried a lot and that was a good thing. I wrote words and people read them and the words came from a real place in my heart. I stopped writing this year. My blog is almost empty and so is my journal because I just didn't have anything to say. There were no feelings that were pounding on my heart's door, demanding to be let out.

It's kind of the worst thing, to stop wanting. I don't believe for a second that I've ever stopped wanting, but I took desire and covered it up. Every time it knocked it was a faraway sound that I could shut out so easily, pretend it belonged somewhere else. I muted my desire to be anything, to be even a person. Was I a person who wrote? I had no beliefs, no identity, no passion. I didn't want to participate in anything, go anywhere, meet anyone. There was nothing for me to write.

I don't know if it was fear. I don't know what it was. I think it was just a mistake I made about myself, which I am okay with admitting. I think if I could go back I would love everyone a little harder, because I wasn't a very good friend, and I'm sorry about that.

Going to A-Camp reminded me of the person that I was when I first started working for Autostraddle. And everyone remembered me as that person, which made me want to be that person again. I miss her, that girl who was scared but brave, in love with everything and everyone. It reminded me of a time when I really lived, or something, whatever living is. I mean, it was living with other people, being comfortable in my own skin, and letting things hurt. Life doesn't have to hurt if you don't let it, but then I don't think you'll feel any feelings at all. I mean, you have to let them all in.

by Robin Roemer
this is a weird picture of me and I don't even mind

This is what A-Camp did, what Autostraddle does: it gives you confidence to be who you are. If there's anything I learned from Autostraddle for the past 3 years it's that you have to let yourself feel. Your feelings are beautiful and you're beautiful and god it sounds so corny, but that's what it is, you are beautiful and you need to let yourself feel things because I'm going to start feeling things again and it's all going to be okay if we have feelings together.

I think maybe the whole point of this blog was my weird way of trying to tell you who I am, even though I don't know who that is. I'm figuring it out piece by piece, and the Autostraddle team has been a big part of that. Sometimes I disappeared, but I want to come back. I don't really know what that means, sorry.

I don't know. I guess this is just my life and these are the things that have happened to me and the things that I have done. I'm not going to say that I'm not going to hide anymore because I will probably still hide sometimes. But I know a little better now what I want and who I want to be and I think I can be that person.

by Robin Roemer

I know you can't see these people's faces, but I want you to know they are among the most beautiful faces you will ever see.

I am humbled, once again, by the magic of Autostraddle. I want you to know that I knew these things about myself before, I knew that I had disappeared this year and become a blank slate of nothingness. But I guess A-Camp filled me up again, reminded me of there's a rosy complexion to my cheeks.

Things That Are Killing Me Slowly

1. academia

2. my uterus

3. winter

4. the patriarchy

Dianna Agron's Hipster/Perfect Tumblr

I think Dianna Agron, star of Glee, pretty blonde flower dress girl, is secretly a hipster.

And I secretly love her for it. (well not so secret anymore).

First, I have to admit that I love Glee. I was about 1 and half seasons late to the party, but whatever. I'm all caught up and a little bit disappointed I'm missing the season finale because I'll be in China.

Second, I have to preface this with the statement that I don't think Dianna Agron is the pretentious douchey too-cool-for-you hipster type. She just likes hipster-y things like film cameras, underground music, the iphone hipstamatic app, and post-modern art like drawings of smiley faces pasted onto a photo of real people.

from dianna agron's tumblr

Ladies and gentlemen and all the genders in between and outside, I present to you:

Dianna Agron's tumblr.

I like Dianna's tumblr because she seem to like a lot of the things I like. Also she makes playlists a lot, which is my favourite, and I've youtubed all the songs and have thus discovered a bunch of new bands/songs because of her. She quotes people like Rainer Maria Rilke, whom Riese loves, and I love what Riese loves.

She doesn't post pictures of other celebrities or shit cut out of Cosmo. She knows the difference between "it's" and "its". There are some behind the scenes pictures of the cast members of Glee, which comes off as special and cute, rather than "look at me I'm famous". She seems excited and maybe surprised that people are paying attention to what she's doing. I don't know. She seems to genuinely want to share with people what she's working on/found/likes.

Here are some songs I really like that I heard from Dianna's tumblr:

+ The Dodos - Fools

+ The Walkmen - In The New Year

+ Radical Face - Welcome Home

+ Atlas Sound - Walkabout

+ Deer Tick - Baltimore Blues No 1

felldowntherabbithole dot tumblr dot com

come away with me and we'll kiss on a mountaintop

sometimes you are sitting on the third floor of an apartment in a rocking chair watching the snow fall listening to norah jones, and sometimes you are walking home at 5:30 with your collar up high thinking about fresh bread.

sometimes you can only hear out of one ear and it's hard to concentrate.

"run, don't walk," laneia said.

sometimes it feels nice not to think about anything at all.

Identity Crisis #2: Hair

The last time I got a haircut was in the middle of August on top of a roof by professional hair cutter & stylist Laura Wooley Mammoth and I was half naked. Look, here is a picture from that same day.

my hair stylist and I are closepersonalfriends.

I usually get my hair cut every ~3 months as my hair grows fast and it is also short which means that I have to cut it in order to avoid the shaggy dog look. But this year I moved out of my parents' house and September, October, November, and parts of December happened and by that I mean my life disintegrated to the point where I was a frumpy mess of clothes lying in bed wondering if I actually existed. In between this and trying to spend as little money as possible, I seriously considered letting my hair grow out. I have not had long hair since I was 17. Mostly every time I think about growing my hair out, I think about the shaggy dog phase and then decide that I don't want to do it. In November I asked for a haircut for my birthday, which I didn't get. I don't remember what I was thinking at the time. I think I just couldn't be bothered to get a haircut/didn't want to spend money on it/wanted my professional hair stylist to do it until I decided that I wanted to grow my hair long enough for a full ponytail and then cut it off.

Okay, most of that is bullshit.

Here's what I noticed when I first cut my hair back in grade 11: people started calling me 'sir'. I have never been called 'sir' until I cut my hair. I have to make a bit of a stretch to see where people get confused with my gender, but I can see it. I get it, kind of. One might say that I have an androgynous face. I don't know. Some people are surprised when I tell them people call me 'sir', some people are not.

I also noticed that when I got a fauxhawk I got called 'sir' a lot more, especially at work. This led me to wear v-necks and boots with heels more often.

You see, this is the truth: part of me is afraid I am growing my hair out because I want to "pass". I'm afraid I'm doing it for the wrong reasons. Semi-consciously I've tried to pass at work because let's face it, it's fucking awkward when customers realize you're not actually a 'sir'. I've spent most of my life wanting to fit in with the "normal" kids, but I could never wear the dresses or heels or 234 different kinds of make up. But I could have the long hair. Right? A teeny tiny part of me wants to be normal.

But really, I want to be a person who is not afraid to be herself. Sometimes I am. I want people to recognize that there is more than one way of looking like a girl. I don't want to pass.

On the other hand, I want people to see that lesbians can have long hair.

On the other foot, I don't want my hair to be my identity. Does anyone really care about my hair that much. So while I sit here pondering the meaning of my existence my hair is growing longer. It's in a ponytail and it's really cute, if I may say so myself.

The other truth is that I will probably cut it all off and run rampant like a good angry queer feminist with a radical homosexual agenda and sweet combat boots. JK about the combat boots.

"The Year In Review": A Few Things I Remember

1. [f a l l i n g in and out and in and o u t of love]

With everything, and everyone, constantly. I just can't do the highs and lows. Well, sometimes I don't understand me and sometimes I don't understand you. I don't know you or me. I don't understand the happiness or lightness of love; I don't understand the sadness and excessive weight of love. I've given you all and now I'm nothing.

2. ["Christmas is S O D U M B."]

I am Scrooge/The Grinch. Whatever. Christmas is stupid. I'm only partially sorry if that offends you. What is Christmas about anyway? Is it the birth of Jesus? I honestly don't even know. I don't even really care. All I want for Christmas, really, is some new socks. Because the majority of my socks have holes in them. I am happy that I am escaping this Christmas obsessed world and going to a tiny bubble in the middle of nowhere with people who also don't care about Christmas.

(Alright, so Christmas hasn't happened yet, but today on the metro I saw a man with a Christmas tree and I thought "oh yeah, I guess it's about that time to throw out Christmas trees" and then I realized that December 25th hasn't actually happened yet. That's how much I care about Christmas.)

3. [g r a dua t ing]

I did it.

4. [s u m m e r in America]

It was hot. There were fireworks and a parade and everyone I love in Riese's living room. I feel sad and nostalgic because it will probably never happen again, I mean, not like that. You and I are not the same people anymore. But we are still beautiful.

5. [moving i n and o u t and in and out of h o m e]

Frequently I ask myself "why do I live here" and fail to produce a decent answer. Then one night I slept in my old bedroom and felt annoyed at all the space. My room was too big. It doesn't matter. Nothing is ever clean in my apartment. But my small room feels at least a little more like home. It's warm and the bed is comfortable. It's safe.

I still feel like I don't know where I live, or where home is. I guess that's normal.

6. [the year in r e v i e w]

I remember parts of the year. I remember February, vividly. I remember March and feeling high and happy and perfect. Things made sense in March. I think I went on a camping trip in April. I remember my legs sticking to the seat of the bus in May. June and July are stuck together in a gooey mess of sweat and kisses and tears. August is one long train ride to nowhere. September - November is 10,000 feelings I'd like to erase. I am drained and pulled apart.

I am tired and I'd like to stop counting. I'd like to stop counting backwards and forwards. Sometimes all I know is that I'm a mirror of other people's feelings and opinions, a composition of people who came before me. Sometimes I'm amazed at the love I feel, and the strangeness of how I can love people I don't know, so much so that I turn the people I claim to love into strangers. Sometimes I'm surprised at how angry I am, when I don't know where that anger comes from. But mostly I'm surprised/unsurprised at the way the world heals itself, and how when everything feels upside down, the world will turn you over again.

"I love the number of people

you can love at the same time,

one deep, erotic love,

radiating even to strangers,

cynics, making a temporary sense

of the senseless, choreful day."

- Stephen Dunn "Loves"

Is this year over yet.

A Few Things

Hi. Okay, I don't really have any ideas for a blog post so I'm just going to tell you things so that you keep reading and don't forget about me.

I went to see Hollerado Friday night in Montreal and it was one of the best shows I've ever been to. I don't know how to explain it other than to say that it ended with the audience on stage with the band, jumping around to Neil Young's 'Rocking in the Free World'. I mean there's few things that will get me to jump around like a crazy person like that, I didn't even want to do it when I played hockey and that was basically the same thing as working out. I know I'm small but moshing is fun.

As a bit of a sidenote, I've noticed that some of the best concerts are the ones that cost ~$8. Tegan and Sara are my favourite band, but now that they're "big" and their concerts cost ~$35, they lose some of the intimacy that smaller shows definitely get. There are stricter boundaries as well, for example, the audience would never be able to jump on stage at a T&S show.

Katie is going to Australia in January and when she goes I'm losing my concert-going buddy. So I'm going to have to put up an ad for that. But I feel very sensitive about this, like I think I might just go to concerts alone instead because I will just be very sad that Katie is gone and no one can fill her shoes. Because she has big feet. Ha ha. Okay. The editor in my brain is telling me to erase that but I'm not going to because then you would never read it.

So, a few other things. November was pretty decent, I think I only cried once. It went by really fast and now the semester's almost over and honestly, I feel pretty sad about that. That's probably another post for when my exams are done. But in general, I feel good about November. It seems that just when I started getting settled in and used to things it's all ending, but what can you do. I got a harmonica for my birthday and I've been teaching myself some real hardcore songs like "You Are My Sunshine" and "Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer". I'm a little bit in denial that I'm 20. I also might be in denial that the past 3 months actually happened. I don't know. Sometimes I'm in denial that I'm actually a real person and that's when I know I should see my therapist.

I guess this is a bit of an update or something. I want to write about the Mary Gaitskill reading I went to a month ago but clearly that keeps getting pushed back. So maybe in a few months you'll hear about that. Is there anything you want me to tell you about, do you want me to write a story or something. Remember when Riese told you to ask her questions and then she would answer them? I would do that but I don't think anyone would ask any questions because Riese has 32908443 more readers than I do. One day I want to write a blog post about how much I love Riese. Also, Riese, if you're reading this, I want the rights to your biography. Thanks.

Ok here's the end of a poem by Stephen Dunn:

Poem For People Who Are Understandably Too Busy To Read Poetry

Imagine yourself a caterpillar.

There's an awful shrug and, suddenly,

You're beautiful for as long as you live.

The Official Birthday Wishlist

+ a harmonica (~$10)

+ ankle socks

+ the shower tap to stop dripping

+ garbage bags (~$7)

+ tea (~$4-$15)

+ a haircut ($25)

+ a week's worth of groceries ($15)

+ moleskin with graph paper ($16)

+ measuring cups for dry ingredients

+ tickets to the stars concert in december (~$25?)

+ boyshorts from american eagle or american apparel (or you could just give me money so i can do this myself)

+ boots (~$30-$70) (dad?)

+ books are always appreciated. just to help you out, some books i am interested in reading are: "running with scissors" by augusten burroughs, anything by haruki murakami, some poetry by william carlos williams, anything by e.e cummings except for "erotic poems" because i already have that, anything by mary gaitskill except for "bad behaviour" because i already have that, anything by loorie moore, etc.

this list will likely be revised and reposted later in november. my birthday is the 27th. i will be old (er). drinks are always accepted.

before you buy me any of these incredibly useful things, i would appreciate it if you DONATED TO AUTOSTRADDLE.COM. and then if you feel like it, feel free to get me some groceries. if you're nice i will let you stay for dinner.

WHY IS EVERYTHING SO WEIRD .COM

OH MY GOD

WHY ARE YOU WEARING THOSE PANTS

landmarks:

+ october 23, 2009 - dying/saved. i have changed/not changed.

+ birthday approaching - don't want to talk about it. currently compiling a list of things i want/need/intend to solicit people for.

+ one year at ae - help, i have feelings. want this sweater asap. i have so many feelings about my job.

currently:

+ wish everyone would read laneia's blog.

+ there are many things that i would like to say to you, but i don't know how.

+ definitely going to need more ice cream.

three wishes:

+ someone to come grocery shopping with me

+ stop imagining people into people i wish they were, instead of the people they are.

+ no one can leave before i'm ready

(but they already have)

Lonely Planet Dot Com

This is where I try to explain why I'm leaving and fail because I come back every day. Also I have an important question to ask you.

++

Hello. As you can see, despite telling you that I am on a hiatus, I am here writing words and you are here reading them. I want to tell you why I decided to take a "hiatus" but I have a problem: I don't know why. You see, I made the decision on a whim. Howevs, I think there are actual reasons inside of me and I'm going to attempt to explain them while I still have your attention.

One of the main reasons, actually, is that my blog feels really sad. This is a really sad place for me, and maybe you can see that sometimes when I write sad things and it's awkward and you don't know what to say and maybe you want to say something or maybe you just want me to stop. When I look at it, I see my sadness reflected back at me. And it's sort of like looking at a mirror when you haven't looked at a mirror for a long time. I recognize myself but it's still kind of shocking. Conor Oberst said: "I'm not surprised, but I never feel quite prepared."

It feels very self-centered. And a blog is totally self-centered. This is a place to write about myself and have a bunch of people read it and talk about me and how well or badly I write. memememe. Sometimes that's okay, but right now I really want to talk to other people. I want other people to talk to me. Instead my feelings get sent into a cybervoid.

++

If you haven't yet surmised from previous posts, I'm going through a super shitty time right now. Despite everything currently being amazing, everything also sucks. You know?

I don't know how to say this, I don't know how to talk about it: my girlfriend broke up with me and I have sad feelings in that area of my heart.

Stephen Dunn said: "I wanted everything or not enough. It was all my fault."

Riese said: "I stood next to someone wearing your perfume, and it made me miss you."

Cat Power said: "I will miss your heart so tender, and I will love this love forever."

++

I want to talk directly to your eyeballs right now. I wish I could name you so that you would know that I am talking to you. I wish we could make eye contact. I'm talking to you, reader. Really. I want to talk to you about things. I want to show you my christmas lights because I think you would like them. I want you to come look for used bookstores with me because I think it would be fun. Sometimes I just like to look at the spines of books. I want to cook you dinner because I'm getting better at cooking and I think that you are the kind of person who would eat my not-so-amazing food. And I don't think you would mind eating on the floor because I don't have a dining table. I want to go to the museum of fine arts with you because I have a pass and it lets me take a friend for free and I want you to be my friend. I want to go see Howl with you and I wouldn't even mind paying because that's how much I like you and also how badly I want to see Howl. I want to write you paper letters. I want to walk up Mount Royal with you because the view is pretty and totally worth it. And maybe I will put my arm around you because even though I don't really like touching, I think you're kind of comfortable. And sometimes it feels good.

I want to ask you things. I want to ask you: how do you do it? What do you do when you are lonely as fuck? And it hurts to be you? And you feel trapped inside your own mind but you know you must keep being you because there is no other person to be? How do you deal with everything all the time? I am really asking you. This is not a rhetorical question. I want to hear from you. How do you cure loneliness?

I want to try and write in my blog at least once a week. But I also want to try a lot of things. I guess, in my own weird way, I'm asking you to help me. And I know that's kind of vague, but like, maybe you could be vague right back. I don't know. If there's something you want to say, I guess this is the time to say it. Maybe you could give me some dinner recipes.

A friend of mine said: "All I want to do is go crazy and have so much fun and have things be perfect like that, but I just feel really fucking sad."

Dear Diary 06.30.10

Dear friends,

This is Emily. I am in Philadelphia. Just chillin', you know. Last weekend I was in NEW YORK CITY for RODEO DISCO NUMERO DOS that's why there have been a lack of updates. I would like to do a full and proper recap of my feelings for this weekend but I don't really have time because I have to go meet Laura with food so we can have a picnic in the park. Anyways, my general feelings are this: last year everything was very tall, especially the buildings and Marie-lyn Bernard. I sat outside Mason-Dixon the whole night. This year the buildings were still tall and so is Riese but I think I grew a little bit. The fact remains that I love everyone at Autostraddle with all my heart and soul. Maybe I will write more about it when the mood strikes.

Here's a picture.

Till next time weirdos!

Remember When We Marched For Equality In October?

This one time in October 2009 Autostraddle went to Washington to march for equality and we're still marching, but separately, like we march to the bus stop and to the grocery store and to the living room, etc. I was there and I took pictures and then 7 months later I took more pictures with the same roll of film and so they were all double exposed which is sometimes really nice (see: san francisco) but in this case it just made me upset and I couldn't deal with it until now. It's convenient because autostraddle is having a party called RODEO DISCO 2: BACK IN THE STRADDLE and I know you're all excited to go and maybe these pictures will make you more excited!

If you're curious, some of the pictures are mixed with other pictures from Washington, some from this time I took my friend's dog for a walk in the snow, and the time Laura came to Montreal in May.

If you want to use these pictures for something, anything, please credit me. I might post the rest on tumblr so keep looking for that, and maybe on flickr but probably not 'cause I can't be bothered.

I've Been Distracted

A Non-Linear Approach to Learning, Or Something.

The last few posts of mine have been pretty depressing so I thought I'd shake it up a bit and post something that requires less from me and more from you. Also I forgot to write something for today.

I'm pulling a leaf out of autowin's book and posting links to stuff I'm "currently reading/doing/listening to/etc.

-----

+ Have you heard The National's new album High Violet? You can listen to the whole thing for free on NPR. My favourite track so far is Bloodbuzz Ohio. High Violet is released on May 11.

+ The other stuff I'm really listening to right now is from Jonsi, the lead singer of Sigur Ros. Listen to his whole album Go on his website. For free.

+ Holly Norris and Jes Sachse made their own "American Apparel" ads in response to the apparently "regular" people who model for AA.

+ A woman goes to an anti-racism workshop and discovers that we're all racist. For what it's worth, being "colour-blind" is not productive, nor is being afraid of offending someone because you mention something that's part of their culture. As someone in the comments said: "As a Canadian of Japanese ancestry, I have spent my entire adult life trying to allay the burden white people carry about their whiteness or my lack thereof. "No. I would prefer if you didn't promote me to comply with your stupid, misguided and racist employment equity program." Or of late: "No. I don't find Sumo suits racist, but I find your pandering to my sensitivities very offensive.""

+ Mother's Day when you're unmothered. Also read the Slate article it links to. DO IT.

+ So I saw Justin Bieber and Sean Kingston's new video for "Eenie Meenie" a song you've probs never heard and it is surprisingly catchy. The song. Not the video.

+ Riese team picked this on autostraddle, and I love it. A new poem from Eileen Myles called "Smile".

+ Also, obviously, you should be reading autostraddle. Specifically you should read: part one of a 3 part feminist roundtable discussion, and some phone versus the iPhone 4G: a srs analysis.

+ Have you checked out my tumblr?

I Forgot My Own Anniversary, Whatever, New York Is Timeless

So for a long time I thought my blogiversary was January 11 but then I actually checked and it was yesterday. I don't want to link to the first 3 months of this blog ever again. I feel like people are going to start going through my archives anyways and that's embarrassing. I know it's really tempting to see what I was doing last January. NOTHING, I WAS DOING NOTHING, STOP LOOKING.

Actually, around this time last year, what I was doing was reading a lot of autowin and it made me want to start my own blog. It's so weird because one year ago we didn't know each other, I just knew her through her writing, and now I'm in her apartment. The internet is magic, I suppose. Also I have a cold and I hate myself for that.

For my six month "blogiversary" I picked my top six favorite posts but I don't feel like doing that now. I have links on the right side of this blog of my favorite posts, so maybe you should just read those. Instead I thought I would make Riese write something because she inspired me to write and also because she's here so that's easy. Also because I can't think of anything to say. Also x2 I know I've been sucking with the writing lately. Sorz. That will change soon.

Emily Choo wants me to write about EMILY CHOO and when I first started writing my blog, the road less traveled, and learning all the time. When I first started writing my blog I was stupid. I'm still stupid, so that's something that hasn't changed since then. The first blog entry I wrote was a top ten list of everything I imagined I might talk about on my blog. I had a livejournal already. I got a blog because a lot of writers had blogs and the girl I was living with had a blog and I thought mine could be better than her's. So I started it for the worst reason anyone could do anything.

My second post was about ElleGirl shutting down and why I loved it. Two ex-editors of ElleGirl emailed me that week to say how much they appreciated my post and felt I really understood their magazine and so I thought OMG THE INTERNET IS MAGIC. I don't know, then things took off w/r/t NYC & Gawker ... I dunno. I feel like I talk about this stuff too much. Honestly I was just drinking & fucking and doing illegal shit for money most days of the week. Nothing to be proud of. Well; honesty.

Emily Choo thinks she wants me to write things about her but it would actually be better if I didn't. That's the real secret. It's better later [emily choo edit: i don't know what she's talking about here, she didn't even finish her sentence] [emily choo edit x2: apparently she did that on purpose]

The point of life is to learn something every day otherwise what's the point. No really what's the point. If anything besides that is the point, I wish I could be like you, it must be so easy.

Oh yeah and 'the road less traveled' is where all the cool kids hang out. We eat jelly beans and say clever things and hold hands just as friends. We eat feelings, we don't bleed, we don't need. The road less traveled is the name of a self-help book my Mom owned, I don't know if she ever read it or where she went.

The point is to do something new

That's what Emily Choo is gonna do

Thank you, Riese. You are not stupid. Also ps I can't get the colours right. They all look ugly.

Anyways, now that I kind of know more about what I want to write here/have some sort of posting schedule, 2010 is obvs going to be a good year for blogging. My goal is to get 1 million hits a day. Jk. Whatever. I started with 1.5 regular readers and now I have like 20 and then some randoms. I think my friends should read this more.