Saturday, December 24, 2011

life is sweet in the belly of the beast

i've disappeared from the internet for the past few months. the truth is that i've just been living real life instead. i'm sorry because the internet has given me so much and not sorry because it feels good to live, and i think i'm actually happy even though i don't believe happiness is a real sustainable feeling.

my internet friends probably have forgotten i exist; my real life also probably hate me because i'm always at work. work counts as real life, right? 'cause i've basically given up my right arm and leg and firstborn child to my job. it might not even be a real job, i haven't decided yet.

rory culkin

sometimes i'm more okay with not knowing who i am than others. i know i've changed, i can feel myself changing and sometimes it's scary because i said i wouldn't become this person. but here i am and i'm just me and sometimes that's okay and sometimes i don't like it but i'm learning to live with it. i'm trying to be less stressed on the bus when i think i'm late.

i don't know what i want or who i want but i have some ideas i think. like maybe film school so i can tell my stories better. or something else but i don't know yet. i guess i'll just have to see, then, right?

for now...i'm off to toronto for 2 days then back on boxing day to work. i'm tired but excited about things and i don't really know what's going to happen in the new year so i'm just going to go with it. enjoy the holidays, my friends.

Monday, December 12, 2011

hi i'm oscar

hi i'm oscar
hi i'm oscar
hi i'm oscar
hi i'm oscar

hi i'm oscar i'm a cat i wake up early in the morning and no one is awake so i sit in front of cate's door on a chair waiting for her to wake up ok. hi cate please wake up soon and play with me and also bring me snacks i really like snacks i like to eat food a lot all of the time. some of my favorite hobbies are playing with pens and knocking things off tables i like to stand on tables and also sit on chairs especially when people are sitting on the chairs. hi i have an office it is in the kitchen under the stool i go in there to do serious thinking about which game i am going to play next sometimes i fall asleep by accident my office is very small but i am a small cat. my favorite sport is soccer i only like to play by myself i have a bed i share it with my fish and my rat-octopus and my soccer ball my rat-octopus and fish are my best friends except for jane austen-gosselin who is another cat hi jane also i think i have other friends but i have never met them ok. i like to knock things off tables because it makes a funny sound hehe. ok i am getting sleepy and hungry now oh look a tail i will chase it now ok. bye i'm oscar and i approve this message.

Monday, December 5, 2011

feist brought 'em all back to life

so i saw feist play at metropolis on saturday and man, is she good! she seriously brought her A game all night. she didn't play '1234' which i'm pretty happy about because she doesn't need to. she did play 'cicadas and gulls' which i have previously said is my favourite song off her new album.

anyways, here's 'my moon, my man' from saturday. super fun song!

since i've already posted about feist before (and since this probably won't be the last time) here's another song for music monday:

[the album leaf - always for you]

just discovered this band from NPR's all songs considered and i'm pretty much in love...

Monday, November 28, 2011

My Body Is Too Bootylicious For You

[destiny's child - bootylicious]


i have an all-woman late 90s/early 2000s playlist going on right now and it is so awesome.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

to change or stay this way?

hey love.

touch you here or there?

kiss your head or go away?

because go away i might.
if you want me to i might.

if you said,

"go away."

i might say,


i might say okay
and heart crush like dust.

just a touch, love.
'cause love i just might.

remember thursday night?

quiet love or loud?

'cause whisper i just might.
if you want me to i might.

if you say,

"please stay."

i will say,


i will say okay
how'd it get this way

hey, love.

secret in the way.

tell you now or later?

because later i just might.
if i find the words i might.

i might say,

"you're okay."

and i might say,

i love you.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

"don't become the thing you hated" or how to be a giant asshole

what if the thing you hated becomes the thing you love? what then? do you love it or hate it? what if doing the thing you love interferes with the reasons why you love it? what then? do you still love it?

you like the feeling of being good at something. you like familiarity, you like feeling important, and most of all you like the idea of something perfect and tangible, and you know if you have it all away it would be fine and you wouldn't cry. but you can't destroy the desire for that which isn't possible and accept what you get with a smile. because then who would you be? would you be who you wanted to be? who is who they want to be? if you love the thing you hated and then became it does that mean you're who you wanted to be? if you love the thing you hated and then became it and then you ate it... does that make you full? of shit? 'cause you lied to all your friends, and you can't look them in the eye. so you hide underground in the metro and they never see you anymore, and you never see them. you lied to everyone and you can't admit you changed and you'd rather be used and wasted than nothing at all. and you hate yourself for being the coward who lied, the lying coward who lied and lied and lied and became the thing they hated. in the end, it turns out, you're just an asshole.


Wednesday, November 16, 2011

i heard that you like the bad girls, honey

[lana del rey - video games]

i meant to post this on monday, but then forgot. i'm not that into her other stuff, but this song is amazing, everyone needs to hear it right now.

swinging in the backyard,
pull up in your fast car,
whistling my name...

Sunday, November 13, 2011

disposable myths

"don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable." - beyonce

i've seen you before. don't worry, we are all children looking up for validation. i know you don't want to feel special, you want to be special. you are so helpful. you are always there. you are so kind, so loving. you want equality so long as you are the equal one. i've seen you before. don't worry, you always get what you want.

here's what i think, though. you are completely disposable. we are all completely disposable. one body is replaced with another (how absence is easily replaced by another body that makes the same motions, and then it's fine i guess) is replaced with another is replaced with another. how the giant world makes us feel so small, and the tiny world makes us feel so small. you are in denial about your dispensability, 'cause it hurts doesn't it. all we wanted was to feel like someone needed us. i mean, me. wouldn't it be nice to feel like someone needed you, but actually you, you you you? turns out nothing needs us. you're flushed.

but don't worry, because it's completely alright. see, here's the thing. you are not the first nor the last to do the thing you're doing. someone will most certainly accomplish the same things as you, and don't worry because someone already has done it before you. someone has already made your mistakes, and someone will make them again when you're gone. so that's it. you are not the first and you are not the last. you are a cog in the machine, you are not a cog in the machine. you are free.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

it was a beautiful shitty place

names changed for privacy.

i used to live in a shitty apartment in the plateau, surrounded by nicer looking triplexes. the landlord was a busy jewish man with a black suv who banged vigorously on our door for rent every month. i found my roommates on craigslist. i think originally it was supposed to be a one-bedroom apartment but was then turned into a three-bedroom to fit more people. greg's room used to be a closet i think. my room was bigger than his but also small. it could fit a single bed in one direction only. i painted my room green and it was kind of ugly and i left it there when i moved out. nobody ever used the living room. we didn't even have a table until greg bought a tiny tv tray which tilted slightly on the uneven floor. kevin's friend who used to live there before i did still had a pile of stuff in the living room. he never picked it up in all the 8 months that i lived there. it included a tv, a basketball, a book about mao zedong, and a bright blue bra which appeared out of nowhere one day.

one time, i listened to post-war by m. ward a lot and it was beautiful and things hurt but a good kind of hurt, you know? i remember lying in my blue sheets in my green room trying to figure out what 'home' meant.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

and absence ate the year

october 21 2010

now, now, it's broken now. all of it, all of us. i am up late again, waiting for a bus. the sky is a worn midnight wash, i mean, that's a real colour. i felt i knew it all along, and now i feel it, painful, hungry again, lonely on the way home from work.

i would like an invitation, would like to stop dreaming about a white shirt i've never seen you wear. would i even go? no, no, no. can't stop dreaming. would like to say, i like your smile. just saying.

no, wait, wait, yes. it's still pretty. would like to ask permission to kiss you outside but i'm too shy. ok, go, i am sure, this is a bad idea. lean. leeeeean.

the man asleep doesn't know when he's missed his stop. is he dreaming of you like i do, no, is he haunted by a ghost, hungry for something real. no. i am tired and i know, i shouldn't kiss you on the mouth, shouldn't accidentally touch your blouse. but, i know. i am hungry for something real. i am cold on the way home from work because it's windy and that's how the world works.


stephen dunn: "from the start all i wanted to explain was how things go wrong, how the heart's an empty place until it is filled"

i can never say how we got here. how i became me and you became you. how we believed that no one would leave before we were ready, until they did. how i learned that absence can grow or diminish, and nothing is for sure. how absence is easily replaced by another body that makes the same motions, and then it's fine i guess. how absence is actually just nothing over again against the side of your brain, saying there is nothing now where there once was something.

i remember sitting on that bus thinking about jeans, and absence ate the year, and i brushed against your shoulder.

today my body trembled a little bit when i thought of you. that's a whole other beat. it's a whole other hole.

Monday, October 31, 2011

and it's fun, thinking of you like a movie star

[belle & sebastian - come on sister]

heard this at american eagle.

and it's dumb, thinking of you like the way that you were.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

why is everything so weird

i wrote this thing in october 2010 about the landmarks that were approaching in my life. it was called 'why is everything so weird'. instead i posted this. reading this right now makes me feel weird.

Late November, early December
Around this time I started working at American Eagle, which was supposed to be a Christmas job, and yet I'm still here even though I live far away from where I work. I also don't know how I feel about this. In the past 2 months American Eagle has been the only thing keeping me sane because it's the only thing in my life that's remained familiar. I genuinely like everyone I work with and I'm writing it here even though I don't think any of them read this, which is totally fine. I don't know if I'm good at my job.

If I didn't work at American Eagle I probably would never have talked to any of the people I work with, and I don't think they would have talked to me. And that's okay, because we're different, kind of, and I would never have applied if I hadn't already been friends with someone who worked there. I'm glad I get to work with people I wouldn't have otherwise met.

I've been thinking about my job lately, and people keep asking me why I don't get transferred since I live in the city now, and I can't really explain why except that it's become kind of comforting. I've even (sort of) come to enjoy being the janitor on Sunday mornings. I don't know. They should pay me more to clean the light fixtures, I probably have 5 pounds of dust in my lungs or something.


Everything is so weird. I guess this is called "growing". Why do things have to mean something? None of these dates are really important, except maybe my birthday which is important to society and possibly my grandmother. I don't know what life will be like this time next year, I don't want to know, don't tell me. I wouldn't believe you anyway.

i think i remember having a dream around this time about someone in a white cotton shirt. i think my life is the same but different.

Monday, October 24, 2011

thoughts are like pearls

have you heard feist's new album yet? it's amazing. i'm going to see her in december and i have continuous happy feelings about this.

this is my favourite song from the album (obvs). i'm a sucker for sad acoustic songs.


Saturday, October 22, 2011


this chicken used to be frozen until i fried it in a pan. chicken for lunch. inside a tortilla wrap with lettuce.

i used to be a human but now i am just a thing the cat uses to get somewhere else.

it used to be sunny but now it is rainy.
it used to be rainy but now it is sunny.

what the fuck?

this page used to be blank until i wrote these words.

my mind is blank.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Look At This Fucking Cat

World, meet Oscar Wilde, the fourth member of Hotel Tupperware.

Family portrait!

From left to right: honorary member Rachel "ludacribz", Emily "dictator", Jeba "BOH (bitch of house)", Cate "Cate (every household needs a Cate!)", Oscar "wild" Wilde

We will never get work done again. Meow!

Monday, October 10, 2011

hello, october; hello, fall

october is a nice month, weather-wise. the trees are all pretty, i can wear a scarf and a sweater, and retail keeps tricking me into thinking it's almost christmas.

i feel like i've learned a lot about myself, even in just the past two months. my roommates and i might foster a cat, and while this has the potential to turn into total disaster, i'm pretty excited. our house is already a lovenest of insanity, and i feel like anyone who comes over leaves a little bit more crazy than they were when they arrived.

i'm learning to participate more in my own life. i feel like my plan of doing everything this semester is actually happening, and while i have a nervous breakdown about 3 times a week, i also feel really content right now. a little confused, but content because i'm working on fixing the things that are making me confused.

autumn in montreal is beautiful. the wind blows the leaves around but isn't cold (mostly) and i feel possibly like this winter will not kill me. i can't wait to buy a winter coat and some new gloves.

here's a song about how i feel: young blood - the naked and famous

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Food In My Apartment Right Now

+ one egg
+ three boxes of crackers
+ five boxes of cereal
+ ten boxes of tea
+ five cans of tuna
+ five bags of pasta
+ two packs of tortilla wraps (totalling 20 tortilla wraps)
+ two large bags of raisins
+ two bags of sugar
+ two bags of flour
+ three cartons of a vegan vanilla soy beverage
+ three boxes of microwavable popcorn (totalling 9 bags of popcorn)
+ one bag of chips
+ two packs of fish-shaped crackers
+ one pack of ramen
+ three bagels
+ two loaves of bread
+ two tomatoes
+ one banana
+ one avocado
+ one kiwi
+ two packs of banana flavoured tofu (?)
+ one macaroni pie (?) (roommate's words?)
+ one million patties (?) (roommate's words?)
+ one carton of milk
+ two containers of plain yogurt
+ and more

Monday, September 26, 2011

Glee Is Baaaaack!

[glee - it's not unusual]

this was my favourite song from the season premier. also this video will probably be taken off youtube in like 2 hours.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Life Lessons I Learned This Weekend

1. Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans
I feel like you can try and be really prepared for things but life is just going to happen anyway, and it doesn't care what you planned for. I think you kind of just have to lie in the middle of the road and hope that cars don't hit you. Or maybe that is really stupid.

2. I am in a false world
These are not my pants. Where the fuck am I? This is not living. I think possibly this "living" thing is just "dying really fast".

3. Everything in my life is completely and totally dramatized

4.We are not the people
Who are the people? I don't know, but we are not them.

5. Dreams are not real
Is it Sunday already? I had a good dream last night.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

how to write a country song

how to write a country song
how to eat raw beef
how to get pregnant without a man
how to be a doormat
how to tie your shoe
how to get new bone structure
how to listen to frank sinatra
how to shop at zellers
how to shop at american eagle
how to ride the bus one-handed
how to win friends and make enemies
how to get what you don't want
how to make me a sandwich
how to the botanical garden
how to be chinese
how to be ironic
how to look like a hobo
how to fall asleep standing up
how to run in heels
how to be better at life
how to function in a paradox
how to function in a paradise
how to write an autobiography
how to make an enchilada
how to build a shelf
how to how to

Monday, September 19, 2011

so do what you must do to fill that hole

sleep, don't weep, my sweet love
my face is all wet 'cause my day was rough
so do what you must do to find yourself
wear another shoe, paint my shelf

[damien rice - sleep don't weep]

i wish someone would whisper this song to me as i fall asleep.

Monday, September 12, 2011

If I Kiss You Where It's Sore

if you never say your name out loud to anyone, they can never ever call you by it.

[regina spektor - better]


Tuesday, September 6, 2011

this semester i will do everything


i will do it all: school, work, eating, drinking.

normally i can't do it all. normally i am very slow and require many hours of sleep therefore limiting me to about one activity a day. but, no! this year/semester (starting small) i will be in a constant state of motion. except right now because i'm in the library where there's internet.

anyways, so far my new life is going great. i am not freaking out about 6am wake ups and i haven't cried in like a week! though i might drop a few tears when i buy $300 worth of textbooks for one class.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

moving week

today: work, pack, make pizza for dad's bday dinner

tomorrow: work, move into new apartment

monday: find a grocery store that's open, unpack

tuesday: school, get internet set up, don't panic

wednesday: work, school

thursday: school, work

friday: NOTHING! YAY!

satuday: workworkworkworkwork

Monday, August 29, 2011

This Is Why It Is So Hard To Find A Place To Live

Hi, I have a 3 and a half which I want to share with 2 persons, (unless somebody want to pay me heavy rent for a single room), its on [redacted], exactly in between Concordia and Atwater, Rent would be near about $300 including everything, I guess internet also.Place is awesome, rooms are too big with a big kitchen and store. And no need to worry about shopping stores, its Downtown!
I can share it with one person also, like girls need separate room (if you can share with another girl, then again less rent) but if alone then rent would increase, it would be near about $575
Looking for open minded female to share beautiful home over looking the ocean in Nova Scotia. I recently moved back to my home town in Cape Breton, a small village in the Highlands, remote and beautiful. I plan to spend a winter getting back to nature, working on my land and trying to live more organically. I am looking for someone interested in a winter retreat. I am not looking for help with bills, more companionship, someone that would enjoy hiking, outdoor activities, cooking and cosy nights in front of the fireplace. Free of cost with no long term commitments. great opportunity for a painter, writer or yoga trainer. For more details send an email. Thanks
just moved into my new home on 10 acres looking for a roommate must be a women
i am 15 mins to the 401 and 20 to 417 looking for someone to clean the place for free rent

i am tall 6.2 dark hair blue eyes in good shape realy easy going
room for rent for 225$ per month in Montreal
Beautifull rooms available to rent in Puerto Vallarta , located int the romantic zone of old Valarta .Located at a 5 minutes walk from the beach and conveniences. Each of our rooms have their particular style and are equipped with anti-acarina bed covers and pillow cases, as well as bathrobes . Our large rooms have a fridge and a tv with cable. You also get access to the kitchen (fully equipped), high speed internet (wifi), calls to Canada and USA, and the rest of the Casa.For a small extra fee you can use the washer and dryer.Our prices include continental breakfast and we also offer guide services to discover the area and provide towels for the beach as well beach chairs and umbrellas and coolers.
$ 300 ALL INCLUDED (electricity, telecommunications)
All furnished or unfurnished
MAX 10 roomates 75% girls, 25% boys
this really calm but we are people who like the nightlife. we life close to the clubs, we are not allowed to invite people outside of room after midnight
Hiii ,

I found a great 3 1/2 very close to school. I like to share it with a girl. If you like let me know. One cane take a bedroom and another can take a living room.
Thanks. The contract is for one year.

1 1/2 in seint-kevin (all include, internet, elecricity, hot water, telephone).for 10 month for share by a gilr.near metro station and montreal university(just 15 minutes by walk).
If you interested please send me an e-mail
I am guy and study in Ude M.
McGill MBA, single, living in an apartment located in the beautiful Outremont area. I am offering my guest room to a woman in her twenties in exchange for regular intimate moments, if the chemistry is there of course... Photos available.
Available large room (non furnished) 9.5x14.5 in a ground floor 6 1/2, wood floors, w/d, wi-fi, no phone no cable. Looking for mature person that needs pied à terre with access. I am a 51 man non smoker with no pets, staight in my orentation not in my life style. Leave a phone number to be reached no email correspondance.
"straight in my orientation, not in my life style"
"straight in my orientation, not in my life style"
"straight in my orientation, not in my life style"

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Why In The World Would I Want To Be Perfect?: A Lament On Braces

Warning: the following blog post is extremely dramatic and contains language which may not be suitable for people who don't like swearing. Reader discretion is advised.


A few weeks ago I went to the orthodontist and he suggested that I get 3 or 4 braces on my bottom teeth to fix this one tooth that wasn't doing what he wanted it to do.

My orthodontist had made this proposition to me 3 months earlier before I went to China and I had laughed in his face. Braces? Um, yeah right. Back track to 8 years ago when I was 13 and the same orthodontist said my braces would be on for a year to a year and a half. They were the new, stronger type at that time. Fast forward a little bit to a few weeks before my prom with braces still on. You know, 4 years later.

I often say that glasses are ruining my life, but when I was in high school, braces were ruining my life. If you've never had braces before then I'm sorry but you just don't understand. Unless you have some other kind of mouth thing that rips the inside of your cheeks repeatedly or had to have elastics tying your mouth together or been forced to cut the corn on the cob off the cob, you just don't understand. So, 3 months ago, when my orthodontist suggested braces, my initial reaction was


He said come back after China and we'll talk about it.

This time, I was more prepared when he asked me about braces again. I really don't want braces, I said. I tried to emphasize the 'really'. In fact I said it multiple times. I really, really, really do not want braces. I have been going to this place since for 7 or 8 years. My dad has paid you a bajillion dollars. Leave me the fuck alone already.

But he showed me a mirror. I've seen it already, the crooked tooth. I look at pictures of myself and it's plainly obvious to me (but probably to no one else). This one stupid tooth is turning my perfect thousands-of-dollars smile into something less than perfect. The nurse said it might even get worse (but probably not). That's just ridiculous.

Normally I embrace "flaws". I'm a really short person, but will that bring me down? No! I will use it to my advantage! I was born this way!

But 8 years ago I had made the decision to change my teeth. It was work, it cost money, it was literally painful, I cried real tears probably way too much during the braces years. They really weren't as cool as they looked on my older cousin. But with anything that I work on, I want the end result to be good. No, I want it to be perfect. Did I go through 5 years of braces hell to finish with one crooked tooth? No, I did not. When I start something the finished product needs to meet my unrealistic expectations/standards of perfection. (Okay, that part might be where I'm a little bit crazy).

I sat in the chair and looked at my teeth in the mirror. What the fuck does this stupid tooth think it's doing anyway? How did this even happen? I refuse to believe that I am not the master controller of everything in my body. I will will this tooth to fix itself. Barring that, I will learn to love my crooked tooth. Nobody will notice it. Plus, I always seem to have crushes on people with crooked teeth. If I don't want them to change, why should I want my teeth to change? I'm almost 21 years old! My braces time is over! It's too late. Fuck that noise. People will learn to love me with my crooked smile.

Who am I kidding? I said yes to the braces (mostly because I want to be famous and famous people have straight teeth) and then I went home and cried because I'm a baby. Also because the receptionist said they were fully booked until October, and I'd have to wait until bloody motherfucker goddamned October. Goddamnit. I hate everything.

If only the orthodontist could have done it in August when I had my appointment, they could practically be off by October. Instead, I'm going to have them for Halloween, my birthday, Christmas, New Years...

I really, really, really want to call them and cancel my appointment. Just fuck it. It's one tooth, it's not even that crooked. These people are causing me serious emotional turmoil. Come on, Emily, you can do it. Tell them (politely) to fuck off. Pick up the phone...

I really, really, really don't want braces. But I also really, really, really don't want crooked teeth. Fuck me. Why oh why do I crave perfection?

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Thursday, August 18, 2011

This Just In: Bungee Jumping Pictures From China

the best/worst way to die

ps- here is my article about china, published on

Monday, August 15, 2011

8/15 Random Playlist

1. death cab for cutie - monday morning
2. us royalty - equestrian
3. bon iver - calgary
4. empire of the sun - walking on a dream
5. chairlift - evident utensil
6. radiohead - weird fishes/arpeggi
7. hurricane bells - monsters
8. sensual harassment- soldier
9. the weakerthans - sun in an empty room

Friday, August 12, 2011

I've Decided That I Am Going To Be Famous

So after many years of thinking I didn't want to be famous, I have now decided that I do. I mean I have now decided that I am going to be famous. This abrupt shift in thinking came after realizing that Alex Pettyfer was born the same year I was, and also Lily's article where she realizes that she can no longer be a teen star because she is not a teen anymore. It's weird because I don't even really like Alex Pettyfer or teen stars.

But since I've decided to be famous, I've run into a bit of a problem, namely that I have no marketable talent such as: acting, singing, dancing, playing an instrument, improvising, painting things, modelling etc. Therefore I've concluded that I will become famous by being the next J.K Rowling, except younger. See, I need to be a young famous person so that I can influence the young generations with my words and bestselling book(s) and change the world. Also because I don't want to wait 20 years to be famous.

Also I will make good poetry popular again and move to the west coast where the other famous people are.

Tina Fey will read my book and write a movie about me, which reminds me that I need to read Tina Fey's book. I will be famous by the time Tina Fey is 50 years old.

If the book thing doesn't work out then I'll let people take naked pictures of me until I have enough money to buy my way to fame, or at least an apartment in Los Angeles (that's basically being famous, right?).

If at the last minute I decide not to share my naked body with everybody on the internet, and the book thing really doesn't work out, then I guess I'll just have to get a day job or something. Ugh.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Things I Want Right Now That I Can't Afford

1. a studio apartment (or, really, just any apartment)
2. a new bike
3. an iphone 4
4. fame
5. this hoodie
6. laser eye surgery

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Hui Jia - Return Home

Well, I'm back from Beijing and finally have access to my own blog. Being home is entirely weird and also entirely natural. Habits are hard to break.

Since I haven't done a music Monday in about 2 months, here are a bunch of songs I've been listening to while in China. I may or may not ever get around to writing a big post about my feelings, but I'll definitely post some pictures when I get them developed. In about 4 days I'm off to Cincinnati to visit Laura (who has been posting stuff for me) and then I need to go back to wooorrrkkk.

So, both Bon Iver and Death Cab for Cutie have recently released new albums and I love them both intensely.

Here are my favourites from each album (wow, so glad I can use youtube again!):

Bon Iver - Beth/Rest
Death Cab for Cutie - Stay Young, Go Dancing

Some other stuff:
The Velvet Underground - Sunday Morning
Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong - They All Laughed

Also I saw Fatboy Slim DJ at the Great Wall of China and it was pretty much one of the sickest parties I've ever been to.

Friday, July 1, 2011

abre los ojos/i saw a shooting star in inner mongolia

in the back of a taxi,
my head out the window,
rain on my tongue,
eyes open enough to see gray concrete buildings
and the left side of beijing blurring by.

from above i was staring at the ground,
by the rosebush crying, with bruises on my chin.
just a tree and a concrete wall,
freshly rained upon dirt,
black dirt and choking up my insides.

lying on my right side,
blinking slowly at two seats in front of me,
dirty beige, ripped, and bumping drunk
in the back of a bus somewhere.

“i love you” slides off my tongue
dripping with heavy,
the lingering taste of alcohol,
my stomach empty and filled with sad,
and, i loved you suddenly after i said it.

from the earth i was staring at the sky,
a sudden sobriety, eyes open to
une année sans lumière, pitch black earth,
and blinded, i had been blindsided. then
lying on my back, in inner mongolia
i saw a shooting star.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

all walls are great if they don't fall

sometimes i still think about the emptiness in my stomach, leaving my stomach in the air and my breath hovering around my ears, sucking in the world through my mouth. it passes right through me.

bungee jumping is like this:
a heaviness around your ankles
falling into absolute nothingness
and by contrast falling into everything.

the stars above the great wall of china are like this:
explosions in the sky
falling into absolute nothingness
and by contrast falling into everything.

the great wall of china at night; looming towers above us and spotlights on the mountain.
i am on a ledge and i can see everything and i can see nobody until we are all under a blanket shivering with the stars.

i am happy.

there are things i want, people i miss, an emptiness in my heart
but also a duty, also a feeling of fullness
all so full in my heart.

i will stand on this ledge and see the world displayed on the great wall of china.
the great wall of china, tumbling into nothingness, falling into everything.

Monday, June 6, 2011

things i miss while in beijing

+ milk
+ cheese
+ cereal
+ clean/non-polluted air
+ public bathrooms with toilet paper, doors that lock, and actual toilet bowls
+ a shower that sprays into the bathtub and not onto the floor
+ facebook
+ clean drinking water
+ bagels
+ friends and family

otherwise, i don't ever want to leave. actually, just get me some good milk and cereal and i'm happy.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

nostalgia forever bike

Hello, this is Laura. Emily's in China and can't get to Blogger because of the Great Firewall, so I'll be posting blogs she sends me from now until she gets back. xo


dear friends,

beijing is strange/amazing. parts of it are super modern and fancy, and other parts of it are just...exactly what you might picture when you think of china. there are these small streets where people share the road with bikes, scooters, cars, rickshaws, food stands, and restaurants. there are no stop signs or street lights or lines dividing the road in half. cars will honk but they won't slow down and my number one fear is getting my toes run over. but the street food is so good. they have these long grills where they grill meat on a stick and it only costs 2Y (about $0.25). yesterday i bought one and it was so spicy but so delicious.

on sunday we went to the silk market. it was like canal street in new york city times 1000, but in a mall. there were different floors for all kinds of fake things. one floor was devoted entirely to shoes and bags, and every stall had the exact same shoes. every time you walk past a stall the vendors try and get you to buy things in broken english. i think there were more white people than chinese people there. on our way back to the subway (which costs 2Y one way, btw), i passed someone selling photographs on the stairs. there was a sign that explained how the pictures captured all of beijing, including "nostalgic Forever bikes". languages are weird/beautiful.

mandarin is hard to learn but fun. i had my first class this morning and all we did was learn the basic phonetics. there are so many, and half of them aren't pronounced the way they're spelled. there are even some sounds that sound like french words, which makes it easier. there are also 4 different tones in mandarin. so the word "ma" can mean 4 different things depending on how you pronounce it, which means that half the time i'll probably be saying completely random things.

i'm taking a lot of pictures and walking a lot. my feet hurt and i'm still jet lagged, but everything is so incredible that i don't mind. i woke up at 530am this morning which is kind of a nice habit to have, but by 5pm i'm exhausted again.

tonight i walked in a big circle twice looking for the street with all the food and eventually gave up and had some disgusting flavoured milk for dinner. too tired to even make an effort to eat.

nostalgia Forever bike,

Thursday, May 19, 2011

gonna take you for a ride on a big jet plane/pre-departure panic

tomorrow i go to china.
in true fashion, i've packed everything at the last minute.
but it's okay because i've been mentally packing for the last week.
on the campus that i'm staying at, breakfast costs $0.50. apparently.

i feel sad because laura wooley left my house today, but i'm excited for breakfast. i mean, i hope someone will eat breakfast with me.

also it's entirely possible that i will not have access to most of the sites i use because of the great firewall of china. obvs i can't go 2 months without contacting north america, so i'll get laura to post some stuff that i send her via email. i make laura do so many things for me, i should buy her a present of 6 pairs of underwear.

in all this rush of goodbyes and "don't forget this", i feel like i'm going away forever. sometimes i forget that i'm coming back. like i'll be home in two months. and i'm thinking there are stores in beijing that will sell me all the things i forget at home, probably for a cheaper price. it'll be okay, you know?

everything is different at night. i need to go brush my teeth.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Some Pictures From Last Summer

Sometimes I'm a little slow to develop pictures. This time I'm pretty much 9 month late. Here are some pictures of trees and shit from last summer. They were all taken with my lomography camera.

these are trees and sky that looks like paper

this is what my backyard used to look like:

these are some buildings in new york city

this is laura on the swings

this is me at the park when i was 5

Monday, May 9, 2011

Dianna Agron's Hipster/Perfect Tumblr

I think Dianna Agron, star of Glee, pretty blonde flower dress girl, is secretly a hipster.

And I secretly love her for it. (well not so secret anymore).

First, I have to admit that I love Glee. I was about 1 and half seasons late to the party, but whatever. I'm all caught up and a little bit disappointed I'm missing the season finale because I'll be in China.

Second, I have to preface this with the statement that I don't think Dianna Agron is the pretentious douchey too-cool-for-you hipster type. She just likes hipster-y things like film cameras, underground music, the iphone hipstamatic app, and post-modern art like drawings of smiley faces pasted onto a photo of real people.

from dianna agron's tumblr

Ladies and gentlemen and all the genders in between and outside, I present to you:

I like Dianna's tumblr because she seem to like a lot of the things I like. Also she makes playlists a lot, which is my favourite, and I've youtubed all the songs and have thus discovered a bunch of new bands/songs because of her. She quotes people like Rainer Maria Rilke, whom Riese loves, and I love what Riese loves.

She doesn't post pictures of other celebrities or shit cut out of Cosmo. She knows the difference between "it's" and "its". There are some behind the scenes pictures of the cast members of Glee, which comes off as special and cute, rather than "look at me I'm famous". She seems excited and maybe surprised that people are paying attention to what she's doing. I don't know. She seems to genuinely want to share with people what she's working on/found/likes.

Here are some songs I really like that I heard from Dianna's tumblr:

+ The Dodos - Fools
+ The Walkmen - In The New Year
+ Radical Face - Welcome Home
+ Atlas Sound - Walkabout
+ Deer Tick - Baltimore Blues No 1

felldowntherabbithole dot tumblr dot com

Saturday, May 7, 2011

You Are A Tourist

Apparently Death Cab for Cutie's new single "You Are A Tourist" has been out for a month now, but I just heard it today. I have to say, I'm really, really liking it. It brings me back to the good old days of Transatlanticism, which is a relief because I was worried they would continue in the direction of Narrow Stairs. Not to say that Narrow Stairs was a bad album, just not one of my favourites. Anyways, check out the video for "You Are A Tourist". It's pretty cool too.

So I know if I ask questions probably no one will answer, but I'll ask just the same: has anyone heard DCFC's new album? Is it good? Do you like this song? Do you have feelings about it? Do you have feelings about other things? Don't be shy.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Won't You Come On Over, Stop Making A Fool Out Of Me

[valerie - glee club]

Naya Rivera rocked this version. Seriously, I can't stop listening to it. Plus she's hot.

Anyways, I hope all you Canadians voted today.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Why Canadians Need To Vote In The Federal Election May 2

As you may or may not know, Canada is going to have a federal election on May 2, 2011. That's in like 2 days, guys. This election is very neatly straddling the line between "stupid" and "super important". Mostly it's stupid because we keep having elections and nothing has changed, and super important because, well, maybe it will.

There are all sorts of reasons not to vote, especially for young people. Politics can seem like this alternate reality in Ottawa where men in suits are really boring and money disappears and what exactly does it have to do with me? Maybe we don't realize the extent to which it does have to do with us because it feels like politicians aren't talking to us, aren't making policies for us, and just plain aren't taking us seriously.

Figuring out who to vote for and how the voting system works can be confusing, especially since most of that isn't taught in school. The Globe and Mail has a pretty decent rundown on the major parties and their policies, where you can compare their platforms. If you're not sure which party you align with the most, CBC has a vote compass to help you figure it out. If you're doing it and you don't understand or know which policies the questions are talking about, then that's a really good reason to look them up to see where you stand on these issues. Just because you're young doesn't mean you can't understand politics. Here are the ridings in Quebec. Find your riding, see who's elected now, see which way its leaning, and what's going on.


Elections Canada breaks down how our voting system works. Here's a quick explanation:

Canada's parliament is made up of two bodies: the Senate (appointed) and the House of Commons (elected). The government is made up of the House of Commons, ie, the people we elect. Canada is divided into electoral districts, known as ridings. One person from each party can run for election in a riding, as well as independents. We, the people, vote for one candidate in our riding. If that person gets the most votes in that riding, then they win a seat in the House of Commons and represent that riding as an MP (member of parliament).

Our Prime Minister is the leader of the the party with the most seats, or MPs, in the House of Commons.

So, for example, in my riding of Pierrefonds-Dollard, Bernard Patry of the Liberal Party is currently my MP. If everyone else in Canada elected a member of the Liberal Party to the House of Commons, then Michael Ignatieff, as leader of the Liberal Party would be our Prime Minister.

The system is a little bit messed up, in that we don't get to directly vote for who we want to be PM. If you happen to be in a riding that is extremely Conservative, then your Liberal vote doesn't actually go to the Liberals. Not to mention that the left is split into 4 different parties. This is how Stephen Harper was able to win a minority government in the last election despite the fact that about 60% of Canada voted for Not-Harper.

There are 5 major parties running in this election: the Conservatives, the Liberals, the Bloc Quebecois, the New Democratic Party, and the Green Party.


The Conservatives
Leader: Stephen Harper

These are some of my feelings, re: Stephen Harper:

+ He wants to spend $29 billion on fighter jets
+ He wants to build more prisons despite the fact that crime rate is going down
+ He has filled the government lobby with pictures of himself
+ etc, sorry can't provide an unbiased review of Harper & the Conservatives

The Liberals
Leader: Michael Ignatieff

Some things I care about re: Ignatieff & the Liberals:

+ learning passport: $1000 a year tax free bursaries for post-secondary students (for 4 years)
+ cares about our environment - especially cleaner oil sand development
+ possibly introducing online voting?
+ apparently care about women
+ is not Stephen Harper
Bloc Quebecois
Leader: Gilles Duceppe

To be quite honest, I find this party kind annoying. They take a fairly liberal stance on most things except that they want the separation of Quebec and Canada, which is basically reason enough for me to not vote for them. Aside from that, they will never have enough votes to become the government of Canada, though I understand the need for "Quebec to be represented".

Leader: Jack Layton

Jack Layton did a good job in the debates for this election and is gaining a lot of popularity in Quebec. Here is part of the NDP's platform:

+ hire lots of nurses and doctors
+ $800m transfer to provinces and territories to lower tuition fees.
+ reinstating federal minimum wage (actually not entirely sure what this would do)
+ ELECTORAL REFORM!!! but also they want to abolish the senate. not sure how I feel about that yet.
+ Be not-Stephen Harper

The Green Party
Leader: Elizabeth May

My parents said that Elizabeth May should be the leader of the Liberal party and that sounds like something I can agree with. The Green Party is a lot bigger in BC than it is in Quebec. Also I find it weird that the Bloc is invited to debates but the Greens aren't.

+ The Green Party is much more committed to the environment than any of the other parties, it is the foundation of their platform.
+ establish a $10 minimum wage
+ "$400-millon annual increase in funding of post-secondary education needs-based scholarships and bursaries"
+ reform the electoral system
+ are also apparently the only party to have a budget (it's at the end)?
+ not Stephen Harper


This is basically information I have gathered from each party's website in about 10 minutes. But don't trust everything I say! Reading and getting at least a small grasp on where each party stands doesn't take a long time, and you want to vote for what's important to you, not what's important to me. So one more time, here's the vote compass and here's the Globe's comparison of party policies.

This is what I have to say to people who are not voting: Why do you live here? Why not live in a place where you don't have to vote, like, say, China? I'm sure you enjoy your rights and freedoms here in Canada. Well, so do I. Just because the system might not make perfect sense, however, is not a reason to not vote. If you really think it's that stupid, then spoil your ballot. But don't sit at home not caring, because this is your life. Don't throw yourself around like you don't matter, because you matter, okay? And you know what? This is my life too. This is my country, too. So when you don't vote, you're taking a little piece of it away from me.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

So I'm Going to China This Summer

I might have told you already, but I guess it's time for me to "officially" announce that I'm going to China this summer!

This is what's going down:

It's an 8 week program with Concordia, kind of like an exchange except I don't think anyone is coming to Montreal. I'll be getting 12 credits, taking a 9-credit Mandarin course and a culture course. I'll be staying at the Communications University of China in Beijing with a bunch of other Concordia students and also other students from who knows where. The dates of my trip are May 20-July 16 so mark that on your calendars.

I don't speak any Chinese and I've never been to China so this is really exciting and I'm 95% sure I will start speaking to people in French when they don't understand me in English.

Because I'm going to China for 2 months, I'm also moving out of my apartment on May 1. I feel sad about this because I've really enjoyed living in my little room and living close to downtown. I'm happy to be closer to work for the next ~3 weeks until I leave, but doing anything besides work is going to suck because it'll take me an hour to actually get anywhere.

When I get back I'll probably live with my parents for the rest of the summer, or I might get an apartment for August. I'll probably be looking on craigslist again because I don't want to sign a lease, but if you know anyone who needs a roommate for the fall (in the Plateau area) let me know!

That's basically my life right now, besides working a lot because going to China is expensive and I have a lot of summer shopping to do.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

A Poem I Wrote On The Bus

"Realise tes rèves" the sign says
with a picture of the sky
because dreams are in the sky and the sky's
the limit
but we've been on mars so
that proves that mars exists
or something
or that we exist

are there dreams on mars
dreams people had but then forgot
when they woke up
is there anything else up there
my old schoolbooks
the other half of this pair of socks
my childhood perhaps
which i misplaced once
and never found again

much like
i assume
the people who left
footprints on the moon
and what about the moon-
what about the moon?

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

You Were A Wild Thing

[lord huron - mighty]

This song is perfect. It makes me think of the jungle in The Lion King, which is another example of perfection.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Things You Can't Do Because You Wear Glasses Or Contacts

Needing glasses is one of my least favourite things. Ever. Even more than having cowlicks. I am completely and totally dependent on wearing glasses or contacts just to go outside and behave like a normal person. Once my contact ripped at school and then I had to walk around blind and issue a warning to people in my workshop class that if they were making eye contact with me I wouldn't know. It was funny/terrible.

Things You Can't Do While Wearing Glasses
1. Go to a heavy metal dance party
2. Go swimming
3. Whip your hair back and forth
4. Get punched in the face without fear of having glass shattered in you eye
5. Have a serious make out session without getting kisses on your lens
6. Be outside in the rain and still see properly
7. Read books if you only need glasses to see far away
8. Sweat without your glasses getting all slippery all over your face
10. Play most sports

Things You Can't Do While Wearing Contacts
1. Have impromptu sleepovers
2. Read for long periods of time: if you, like me, need glasses to see far away, then possibly you, like me, have the problem of trying to read books close to your face while wearing contacts.
3. Fall asleep on the bus ride home

Things That You CAN Do With Glasses Or Contacts
1. see (most of the time)

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Identity Crisis #3: Am I White?

This is a better written off shoot of one of my other identity crises. Despite being Chinese/having an "Eastern" background sometimes I still feel like I'm an Orientalist/appropriating other cultures.


When I look in the mirror I don't see a Chinese person. I don't see a Jewish person or a lesbian. I don't see a boy or a girl. I don't know what I see. I think I see someone who is just scared of being anything.

I was born in Canada to immigrant parents but to immigrant parents who themselves had been raised in Canada. My dad's family moved to Toronto when he was around 10 and my mother's family moved to Montreal when she was around 5. They were educated in Canada and have not lived outside of Canada in over 20 years or maybe ever (since they moved here)?

I was raised in the suburbs in a fairly white neighbourhood in a middle-class family. There was enough money for me to play sports and have toys and have food everyday and also pay medical bills because my mother was ill (though I didn't think of these things when I was a kid). I went to high school and there were, like, 3 black kids. I think there was one other Chinese kid in my grade. The "biggest" minority were the Jewish kids, about 5 or 6 in the sports program my dad had enough money to pay for. Everyone else was white. This is not to say "I'M SO OPPRESSED" this is actually to say I grew up in an extremely white setting -- so much so that I accidentally let slip "other white people" in reference to myself to Laura in February and she asked me if I considered myself white. And I've thought a lot about it since then.

This is the opposite of "I'm oppressed". When I fill out job applications and they ask me if I'm part of a minority group and list a bunch of options, I feel like I'm exploiting something when I mark off "Chinese" (I don't, however, feel bad about marking off "woman"). Being Chinese has, luckily, never limited my options, at least not that I know of. I don't think I've ever not gotten a job for being Chinese, though once I didn't get a job because I don't speak Cantonese.

I've lived my life in white neighbourhoods, gone to school with white kids, played sports with white kids, had as much money as the average white person, have been taught mostly the same values as non-religious white kids. If you went into my house without knowing who it belonged to, you would probably never guess "Chinese". You might guess "Jewish" if you search really hard and find our menorah, but then you would probably be confused by my step-mom's Christmas decorations. The Chinese food we usually eat is take-out. Just like other white people and Jews on New Year's eve (JKKK).

I have had the opportunities that white, middle-class people my age have had. If asked who I identify most with, between a Chinese person from China and a white person from North America, I would choose a white person from North America. But in some situations among non-asians I can't help but feel extremely Chinese. I've gotten weird questions like "Do you have statues of Buddha in your home?", or people will say something about China and might add in a "no offense" in there (what even?) or ask me if I know the answer (I don't). Someone once told my friend that she thought I was "pretty for an Asian". It used to bother me that people assumed I knew things about China because in my mind I was so clearly not Chinese that I just couldn't understand why people would think I would know. I understand better now (but that doesn't make it right). When the subject of China comes up I suddenly feel extremely conscious of looking like a Chinese person.

But I feel like an impostor in a half-Chinese person's body. I know very little about China. Before I took a class on China last semester pretty much all I knew about Chinese culture was that General Tao chicken is not an authentic Chinese dish. I didn't even know which city my family was from or which dialect of Chinese they spoke.

When I look in the mirror I don't see a Chinese person. I definitely don't look Jewish. I don't even consider myself a real Jew, in fact, my half-assed attempts to celebrate major holidays are probably an insult to real religious people. I consider myself more "queer" than "gay" or "bisexual" because I'm still trying to figure myself out, but queer people can look like anyone.

I don't see a white person either though. I know I'm not white, I just have white privileges, for the most part, right now. What does that make me? (Answer: confused).

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Things Americans Have That Canadians Don't & Vice Versa

Things America Has That Canada Doesn't

1. Chick-Fil-A
2. Target
3. Hollywood
4. Biscuits
5. Cheap alcohol
6. Sarah Palin (ha ha!)
7. "do they put thousand island dressing on cheeseburgers in canada and call it 'special sauce'" - laneia
8. "specifically i'd say animal-style fries from in-n-out is a thing we have that you definitely do not have" - laneia
9. fried pickles
10. The opposite of the metric system

Things Canada Has That America Doesn't

1. Smarties (real Smarties, not those lame-ass rocket things), and Coffee Crisp
2. Good maple syrup
3. Bagged milk
4. The pretty side of the Niagra Falls
5. Thai Express
6. "A population of french people with indestructible arteries hardened by generations of eating poutine, tourtiere, and bacon" - terracottatoes
7. A place where people can still roller blade outside and not be judged for being in the wrong decade because Canada is actually just emerging from the 1990s now.
8. Degrassi
9. Nanaimo bars (Ok the US might have these now but they were invented in Canada)
10. Anne of Green Gables

I intentionally avoided political things like 'same-sex marriage', so don't suggest that, but please, feel free to make other suggestions.

Monday, April 4, 2011

I Could Lie And Say To You That This Would Soon Be Over

Sorry that I haven't posted anything in a while, I've been really busy being stressed about life. But here's a song to make you feel better (or maybe worse?) until I write something real.

[laura stevenson and the cans - master of art]

This song makes me cry/feel really sad and I'm not entirely sure why. But I really like it and maybe that makes me a masochist or something. It hurts so good.

It's about a woman who tells her boyfriend/partner/whatever to wait for her while she gets her Masters. WOW that's pretty feminist-y, right? I like that a lot. Maybe that's why it makes me cry.

I could lie and say to you that this would soon be over.
I could make a little shape for us to stay until we have to go away...

Monday, March 28, 2011

New Project: This Is A Story About You And Me

I'm starting a "Creative Writing" project. So far not many words have been written but we'll see what happens. I'll be interviewing basically anyone I know who consents to be interviewed, about whatever they want to talk about, or I might have something specific I want to discuss with them. Whatever inspires me is what what I'll take out of the interview, and it might turn into a prose poem, a piece of fiction, a sort of journalistic profile of a person, or anything at all. There aren't really any constraints I want to put around this. It's a challenge for me to experiment with different kinds of writing and also a challenge for me to talk to other people in a real way, more than just a 5 minute conversation while we wait for the elevator or something.

It's also incredibly interesting what you can learn about someone just by asking them simple questions that might not come up in every day conversation.

Anyways, it's called This is a Story About You & Me, put it in your RSS feed or don't, and more information is on the site if you're still curious.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

How To Leave An Essay To The Very Last Minute

1. Get essay assignment ~1-2 months in advance.

2. Realize you have ~1-2 months to do it, tell yourself you'll "do it later".

3. Be reminded by professor that you have ~1-2 weeks before your paper is due.

4. Repeat step 2, replace "months" with "weeks".

5. Decide on a topic.

6. Feel accomplished.

7. Do nothing for a while, bask in accomplishment of choosing a topic.

8. Take some books out of the library ~2 days before paper is due.

9. Become addicted to a TV show, decide you are "stressed" from thinking about your paper, need to watch TV to "relax".

10. 1 day before paper is due: begin to panic

11. Start working on paper.

12. Go on tumblr.

13. Eat.

14. Have a mental breakdown for ~3 hours.

15. Lie in bed recovering from breakdown.

16. Go on tumblr.

17. Panic some more.

18. Realize you are not going to any classes the next day, start counting in terms of hours, convince yourself you can write a paper in 12 hours, no sweat, no need to sleep.

19. Write a blog post about how to not write an essay.

20. Pour yourself a drink and settle down for a loooooong night.

PS. This was me in high school, not me now. Minus the drinking part. That part is now.

ETA: I should also add that writing one sentence = feeling of accomplishment = worth 1 hour break. Repeat until done and/or dead.

ETA2: 21. Learn a new song on the guitar/develop a new hobby that will take years to master thereby ensuring you have a way to procrastinate for every next paper.

Monday, March 21, 2011

To The Jungle Through The Night In Paradise

[cut copy - take me over]

This song makes me want to dance. I'm going through a Cut Copy phase right now, which is good because I need upbeat music so I don't die during this essay-writing period.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Nobody Cared About The Giant Goldfish In My Bathtub

Last night I had a dream that a giant goldfish came out of the drain while I was in the shower in a giant 4-story home where I lived on the 2nd floor with a couple with a baby, but nobody cared about the giant goldfish because somebody related to me had just given birth to a baby and everybody (and by everybody I mean my cousin and this girl I used to work with?) was all obsessed with the baby. I was in my towel like, "you guys, a GOLDFISH. In the BATH." And they were like "BABIES BABIES BABIES BABIES".

image via autostraddle's prop 8 recap, a thing totally unrelated to my dream

What does this mean in my life. Please advise.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Then I had to stop crying and eat dinner.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

wore sweatpants today. no longer care if i run into [redacted].

Monday, November 1, 2009

Today I bought cigarettes so I could stand outside on Maisonneuve and potentially see [redacted]. Except that I bought bitchsticks and she wasn't there.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Goal of the day: don't cry. Accomplished. Got the job at American Eagle. Really, really, really tired. 2 exams left.

Saturday, November 14 2009

Went bar hopping on St. Laurent. Decided to text [redacted*]. She never answered. Met up with [redacted] at Biftek. [redacted*] was there. She ignored me. I got drunk.


Wednesday, October 27 2010

She said she really wants to hug me in the winter. Then we talked about other things which were nice, like sweaters and heat.

Monday, November 1 2010

tried to get some work done on my break but didn't accomplish much. Went grocery shopping at night.

Wednesday, November 10 2010

worked 6-9:30. [redacted] got mad at me for standing around and made me feel bad. But I had just zoned out and there was nobody in the store.

Sunday, November 14 2010

She asked if it was something she said but it wasn't. I didn't know what it was. I went in my bed and cried and had a breakdown but I don't know why. I just felt lonely. Then I had to stop crying and eat dinner. Also [redacted] said she bought me something for my birthday. Everyone is so nice to me and I don't know why.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Bottle Up And Explode, Over And Over

[elliot smith - bottle up and explode]

put it away, and check out for the day.


Thursday, March 10, 2011

when you wait for the dawn to crawl through the screen like a burglar to take your life away*

I am a 20 year old getting my BA in Creative Writing with a minor in Political Science and yeah, I know those are two completely different things.

My therapist told me there are steps to becoming [x]. Like there are steps to becoming anything. Like if I want to be a writer then I have to do this this this this this this and this and this like everybody else and then I will be a writer. And if I want to be something else then I will have to do all the steps to become that. I said I feel like I should be doing more things right now. I said my life feels boring and like a habit. My therapist said what did I expect I am an undergrad I am doing all that I am supposed to be doing right now.

I grew up thinking there was a world of possibilities for me. I could be anything. Anything! Anything in the whole world! When I was 12 we had to present a project to our class of what we wanted to be when we grew up. I wanted to be a hockey player. I told my teacher I didn't need to learn math because I would be a hockey player and I could pay someone to be my agent and do that shit for me. I wanted to go to the olympics.

Then I learned that women cannot (yet) be professional hockey players (unless you're Hayley Wickenheiser (but you're not)); they have to pay to play and have jobs on the side. Or, really, have a job and play hockey on the side. And there are 80 trillion people in Canada who play hockey, and ~23 players on the olympic hockey team, so, yeah, you do the math. I can't.

Anyways, the moral of that little story is that I learned I can't be just anything. So in high school I decided I wanted to be a writer, which was the other thing I was good at. I liked to write fiction but I really wanted to be a poet because I loved to read and write it. Cool, but you know where this is going right. The moral of this story is that I can write poetry but I can't be T.S Eliot (toilets) and I had good ending for this sentence but I can't remember it.

Blah, blah. That's depressing, yada, yada. But I'm still doing what I like to do, which is nice. Only now, instead of being confident that YES I WILL BE A MOTHERFUCKING WRITER LIKE JK ROWLING i am terrified by the statistics and the idea that I will have to work a part-time job at American Eagle to make rent because only 5 people will read my poems and only 1 person will buy it because everything is available online for free. And I am terrified that I'm only average. That my writing is mediocre. That I am good, but just "good", and not like, Irving Layton Award Finalist good. You know? Ever felt like you were just "average"?

I was wondering, as I left my therapists office, when adults lose their sense of possibility. When is this shift from thinking there's more than one way to do things, to being convinced that everyone who doesn't walk in a straight line is lost? I feel like I am on the cusp of maybe realizing that I do need to do this this this this this this and this and this to "become" a "writer". And I'm doing it? I am totally following this nice little path that's been paved for me. Is a BA is the new high school diploma? What is life?

Part of me is trying to cling to this idealistic rebellious free-thinker hopeful defy-all-odds mover shaker dreamer achiever view of the world. Is the 'real world' a box that, once you go inside of, you can never get out of?

Katrina dropped out of college but she's one of the smartest people I know. And when she writes, she has 10 times more stories to tell than I do. See, I want to be a writer, but I don't have much to say, which might be a weird thing for me to say as I've had this blog for over 2 years now.

It all just sounds average to me. Like everyone else feels the same way as me and we are all going to write the same thing.

*bukowski wrote this