The Roof of the World: The Pamirs, Tajikistan

i spent my first night in tajikistan
in a squat toilet shitting out my insides
bent over in a spiderweb of pain.
i was thankful, at least,
for the darkness a squat toilet provides.
thankful everything disappeared
into a black hole in the earth.

in my private squat toilet hell
i imagined them finding me in the morning.
pants down, lying in a pile of my own shit and blood.
barely conscious, begging for water, chapstick,
and a new pair of jeans, and to line me up
against the crumbling wall,
shoot my decrepit fucking body
my head was unfortunate enough to be attached to.

i came back to vomit,
my face in front of a hole full of shit,
bringing up what i had choked down,
with my cellphone flashlight
waiting for the battery to die or the sun to rise,
whichever one came first.

in the morning we drove through the pamirs;
remote mountains near remote mountain borders.
they call it the pamir highway,
the roof of the world, "the world's greatest road trip",
and i slept through the whole damn thing.


Karakol:

click on the pictures to scroll through.

Murghab: 

Asshole Mountain, near Murghab:

look at what i did now

in an airport hotel
so i touch your bones for the last time

the sun rises through the window

planes lift their heavy wings
fly over our heads

this balcony gives an excellent view of sky

so at four in the morning i pack my bags
and dive right in

sweet blue tastes like sugar sticks and nescafe

asphalt tastes like clean sheets soft mattress all alone

so i guess what i'm trying to say
is that i'm home

This Blog Is Moving For 2 Months

Hello! As I'm sure you may have heard from all the various news reports and covers on magazine stands, I am going to China TOMORROW Monday, May 7!

Holy shit! You're probably thinking to yourself. How can I keep in touch with Emily when everyone knows that China is slightly neurotic and blocks access to facebook, twitter, blogger, and wordpress thereby rendering all current social media irrelevant? Well, the hidden gem that China has not yet discovered, at least not last year, is tumblr! So I will direct your attention to THE ONLY WAY I WILL HAVE NOT-PRIVATE CONTACT WITH THE WORLD AT LARGE:

thisisntpaper.tumblr.com

this
isnt
paper
dot
tumblr
dot
com

essentially I will be moving my blog to tumblr for 2 months.

also my email is in my blogger profile if you want to contact me directly regarding future photoshoots or interviews.

This year I'm actually going to try and document the majority of my trip which will be easier, I think, because I won't be in a classroom and because I'm bringing a digital camera. Also I'll have my cell phone which will really just be my ipod that takes pictures please don't call me.

Now that that nonsense out of the way, I just want to sort of comment on something. People keep asking me "what are you going to do in China?" and I never know what to say because I find this question very confusing. It's like when someone tells you they're going on vacation to NYC and you ask them what they're going to do there. Well, they're going to eat and drink and see all the touristy shit and be in New York. Unfortunately we're only going to be in NYC for one night; in China Rachel and I are going to sit in our tiny un-air conditioned hostel rooms and not talk to each other for two months.

10,000 tonnes happiness and sadness

hi i'm oscar and today i bring you an anecdote of emily in china when she went in a little book shop and bought a tiny cup with a picture of a whale on it that says "10,000 tonnes happiness and sadness" and gave it to her father as an espresso cup.

she says nobody understands 10,000 tonnes happiness and sadness. also she says that they all say "this isn't chinese" as if everything from china has to be in chinese.

i think that maybe some people don't get it because they have never experienced 10,000 tonnes happiness and sadness. emily has because she is bipolar and insane. maybe if you are reading this you are also insane and know what i'm talking about.

now i recently completed my studies in psychology so i know a lot about happiness and sadness. i know 10,000 tonnes of it, you might say. i know why emily thinks the expression is cool. it is because sometimes you might feel like you can hold happiness and sadness in your hand. a whole whale of happiness and sadness. your body is a vessel for feelings. i am a cat so my body is a vessel for snacks. one day you might feel so happy that you think you might float away on a cloud of medium-thickness into the bright blue sky. then the next day you might feel like your body is an anchor pulling you to the bottom of the sea where you will drown. i learned metaphors in my english class it was mandatory as part of my phd. it is possible to feel like you have 10,000 tonnes of feelings inside you.

ok does everyone understand 10,000 tonnes happiness and sadness now? plz incorporate this into your vocabulary so that when emily speaks you know what she's talking about. it is important that you at least pretend to know what she's talking about.

This Just In: Bungee Jumping Pictures From China

the best/worst way to die

ps- here is my article about china, published on autotraddle.com

Hui Jia - Return Home

Well, I'm back from Beijing and finally have access to my own blog. Being home is entirely weird and also entirely natural. Habits are hard to break.

Since I haven't done a music Monday in about 2 months, here are a bunch of songs I've been listening to while in China. I may or may not ever get around to writing a big post about my feelings, but I'll definitely post some pictures when I get them developed. In about 4 days I'm off to Cincinnati to visit Laura (who has been posting stuff for me) and then I need to go back to wooorrrkkk.

So, both Bon Iver and Death Cab for Cutie have recently released new albums and I love them both intensely.

Here are my favourites from each album (wow, so glad I can use youtube again!):

Bon Iver - Beth/Rest

Death Cab for Cutie - Stay Young, Go Dancing

Some other stuff:

The Velvet Underground - Sunday Morning

Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong - They All Laughed

Also I saw Fatboy Slim DJ at the Great Wall of China and it was pretty much one of the sickest parties I've ever been to.

abre los ojos/i saw a shooting star in inner mongolia

in the back of a taxi,
my head out the window,
rain on my tongue,
eyes open enough to see gray concrete buildings
and the left side of beijing blurring by.

from above i was staring at the ground,
by the rosebush crying, with bruises on my chin.
just a tree and a concrete wall,
freshly rained upon dirt,
black dirt and choking up my insides.

lying on my right side,
blinking slowly at two seats in front of me,
dirty beige, ripped, and bumping drunk
in the back of a bus somewhere.

“i love you” slides off my tongue
dripping with heavy,
the lingering taste of alcohol,
my stomach empty and filled with sad,
and, i loved you suddenly after i said it.

from the earth i was staring at the sky,
a sudden sobriety, eyes open to
une année sans lumière, pitch black earth,
and blinded, i had been blindsided. then
lying on my back, in inner mongolia
i saw a shooting star.

all walls are great if they don't fall

sometimes i still think about the emptiness in my stomach, leaving my stomach in the air and my breath hovering around my ears, sucking in the world through my mouth. it passes right through me.

bungee jumping is like this:
a heaviness around your ankles
falling into absolute nothingness
and by contrast falling into everything.

the stars above the great wall of china are like this:
explosions in the sky
falling into absolute nothingness
and by contrast falling into everything.

the great wall of china at night; looming towers above us and spotlights on the mountain.
i am on a ledge and i can see everything and i can see nobody until we are all under a blanket shivering with the stars.

i am happy.

there are things i want, people i miss, an emptiness in my heart
but also a duty, also a feeling of fullness
all so full in my heart.

i will stand on this ledge and see the world displayed on the great wall of china.
the great wall of china, tumbling into nothingness, falling into everything.

nostalgia forever bike

Hello, this is Laura. Emily's in China and can't get to Blogger because of the Great Firewall, so I'll be posting blogs she sends me from now until she gets back. xo

++

dear friends,

beijing is strange/amazing. parts of it are super modern and fancy, and other parts of it are just...exactly what you might picture when you think of china. there are these small streets where people share the road with bikes, scooters, cars, rickshaws, food stands, and restaurants. there are no stop signs or street lights or lines dividing the road in half. cars will honk but they won't slow down and my number one fear is getting my toes run over. but the street food is so good. they have these long grills where they grill meat on a stick and it only costs 2Y (about $0.25). yesterday i bought one and it was so spicy but so delicious.

on sunday we went to the silk market. it was like canal street in new york city times 1000, but in a mall. there were different floors for all kinds of fake things. one floor was devoted entirely to shoes and bags, and every stall had the exact same shoes. every time you walk past a stall the vendors try and get you to buy things in broken english. i think there were more white people than chinese people there. on our way back to the subway (which costs 2Y one way, btw), i passed someone selling photographs on the stairs. there was a sign that explained how the pictures captured all of beijing, including "nostalgic Forever bikes". languages are weird/beautiful.

mandarin is hard to learn but fun. i had my first class this morning and all we did was learn the basic phonetics. there are so many, and half of them aren't pronounced the way they're spelled. there are even some sounds that sound like french words, which makes it easier. there are also 4 different tones in mandarin. so the word "ma" can mean 4 different things depending on how you pronounce it, which means that half the time i'll probably be saying completely random things.

i'm taking a lot of pictures and walking a lot. my feet hurt and i'm still jet lagged, but everything is so incredible that i don't mind. i woke up at 530am this morning which is kind of a nice habit to have, but by 5pm i'm exhausted again.

tonight i walked in a big circle twice looking for the street with all the food and eventually gave up and had some disgusting flavoured milk for dinner. too tired to even make an effort to eat.

nostalgia Forever bike,
emily

gonna take you for a ride on a big jet plane/pre-departure panic

tomorrow i go to china.

in true fashion, i've packed everything at the last minute.

but it's okay because i've been mentally packing for the last week.

on the campus that i'm staying at, breakfast costs $0.50. apparently.

i feel sad because laura wooley left my house today, but i'm excited for breakfast. i mean, i hope someone will eat breakfast with me.

also it's entirely possible that i will not have access to most of the sites i use because of the great firewall of china. obvs i can't go 2 months without contacting north america, so i'll get laura to post some stuff that i send her via email. i make laura do so many things for me, i should buy her a present of 6 pairs of underwear.

in all this rush of goodbyes and "don't forget this", i feel like i'm going away forever. sometimes i forget that i'm coming back. like i'll be home in two months. and i'm thinking there are stores in beijing that will sell me all the things i forget at home, probably for a cheaper price. it'll be okay, you know?

everything is different at night. i need to go brush my teeth.

So I'm Going to China This Summer

I might have told you already, but I guess it's time for me to "officially" announce that I'm going to China this summer!

This is what's going down:

It's an 8 week program with Concordia, kind of like an exchange except I don't think anyone is coming to Montreal. I'll be getting 12 credits, taking a 9-credit Mandarin course and a culture course. I'll be staying at the Communications University of China in Beijing with a bunch of other Concordia students and also other students from who knows where. The dates of my trip are May 20-July 16 so mark that on your calendars.

I don't speak any Chinese and I've never been to China so this is really exciting and I'm 95% sure I will start speaking to people in French when they don't understand me in English.

Because I'm going to China for 2 months, I'm also moving out of my apartment on May 1. I feel sad about this because I've really enjoyed living in my little room and living close to downtown. I'm happy to be closer to work for the next ~3 weeks until I leave, but doing anything besides work is going to suck because it'll take me an hour to actually get anywhere.

When I get back I'll probably live with my parents for the rest of the summer, or I might get an apartment for August. I'll probably be looking on craigslist again because I don't want to sign a lease, but if you know anyone who needs a roommate for the fall (in the Plateau area) let me know!

That's basically my life right now, besides working a lot because going to China is expensive and I have a lot of summer shopping to do.

A Poem I Wrote On The Bus

"Realise tes rèves" the sign says

with a picture of the sky

because dreams are in the sky and the sky's

the limit

but we've been on mars so

that proves that mars exists

or something

or that we exist

are there dreams on mars

dreams people had but then forgot

when they woke up

is there anything else up there

my old schoolbooks

the other half of this pair of socks

my childhood perhaps

which i misplaced once

and never found again

much like

i assume

the people who left

footprints on the moon

and what about the moon-

what about the moon?

Identity Crisis

I've never seen myself as particularly "Western" before, but that's because I live in The West. I identify as a Canadian partially as a reaction to the things surrounding me that are Not Canadian, like the United States. I notice my "Chineseness" because of all the Non-Chinese people around me. And I identify as gay, or queer, because of the "divide" between queers and straights. If there was no such thing as heterosexuality I wouldn't need to identify as queer at all. I would just be. Even though I'm Chinese, I'm also mostly Canadian, or Western, or North American. I wouldn't fit in in China at all!

That's sort of how I feel about living in the West. Prior to this semester I had never taken any courses that taught me anything about places further east than Europe. Africa was just this one chunk of land that was full of starving black people and South Africa had some white people. "South Africa" could basically have referred to the lower half of Africa.

But now I'm learning things about The East and it makes me feel really self-conscious of my North American Status. I've never felt that before because I don't feel like I'm an embodiment of "capitalism", but I guess I probably am. It's really hard to talk about things that are not Euro-centric without bringing in my own presuppositions and attitudes and I feel like I'm interfering in something that isn't mine. I feel like Stuff White People Like: Being an Expert on YOUR culture. Like, look at me, some North American with enough money to go to university and listen to another North American talk about Asia.

I think I feel weird about this because I've never been a "majority" before. I can't look at myself the same way anymore. I can't ask the same questions anymore. I don't wish that I was Eastern. I wish that being labeled as "something" wasn't so important. I wish that I didn't have to feel "American" and that democracy is the best and everyone should have democracy. I feel weird about having "power" but also I don't feel like I have power. I don't know. This probably stopped making sense a long time ago. I'm having an identity crisis, I'll get back to you on my feelings later.

Philadelphia Smells Bad, But I Like You

My room is the same as when I left it, just cleaner. The walls are still blue. The calendar is still on June. It's like time stopped when I left, and now it starts again the moment I walk in. Now my bed is unmade as I lie in it. My desk is messy and my bag is half unpacked on the floor.

Feels like home, I guess.

But my clothes still smell like you, and my bed is too small and empty. The mirror in the bathroom is too big. The floor is cold, and my heart hurts.

Who is going to light sparklers with me and listen to Death Cab for Cutie?

This Post is Only About #smallearth

Firstly, let me go get some ice cream.

Secondly, as stated in the title, this post is about #smallearth. The definition for #smallearth can be found here, but I will copy and paste it here because you're probably too lazy to click on that link [fyi you should anyway because the next post has pictures of tacky postcards from the philippines and who doesn't want to see that, right].

#smallearth (n) – 1. conceptually, a small-scale model of planet Earth. Although the exact dimensions of #smallearth have never been determined, it is commonly accepted that the planet is small enough that such nonsense as 12-hour time differences simply cannot exist, resulting in a cohesive society of #smallearthlings.

2. a community that is so small, that it is entirely feasible for all or most of its members to somehow come in contact with each other, regardless of actual physical location; a significantly less lame way of saying “small world, eh?,” a community where an unspoken set of rules/tendencies exist.

++

#smallearth was created in the middle of the night (for me) while Katrina was on the other side of the world eating lunch, because that's the only way it could have been invented. That's how #smallearth works. #smallearth is the feeling you get when something far away affects you at home ("home". you know. where the heart is). #smallearth is when far away things feel close.

#smallearth is a concept so I don't really think it has physical dimensions. It's as small or as big as you let it and I think it exists because Katrina and I brought it into existence [sidenote: I also think we bring our actual earth into existence by thinking about it and if everyone on the planet stopped (truly) believing in earth it would cease to exist]. That being said, it's smaller than planet earth. Or it's bigger but the people have really long legs so you can cross oceans in two steps, whatever you choose.

#smallearth is a feeling so there can be any number of people on #smallearth at one time and although it would be logical that the ratio of douchebags to awesome people on actual earth would carry over, I hereby declare that there are no douchebags on #smallearth. As one half of the creators of #smallearth I have the power to do this.

#smallearth makes me feel less lonely. 'Cause sometimes I think our planet is just really huge and it bums me out. Then I think that compared to the universe, our planet is a speck of dust and then I feel really tiny and useless and sad.

Like this:

#smallearth makes me feel like this:

There Was a Terrible Storm and You Were Wearing All Our Coats

Ever since I got this iPhone that has a weather application I've been obsessively checking the weather reports not only in Montreal but also in New York, Vancouver, San Francisco, Barcelona, Sydney, Rome, London, Tokyo, and Paris. I have no idea if any of it is accurate (it's yahoo!...) but I like to compare everyone elses better weather to ours. Except for Tokyo, I think God's trying to smote them.


Just so we're clear, those are all little clouds with lightening bolts coming out of them. Tokyo has looked like that all summer, they have the worst weather ever. I feel like Yahoo is making it up. They also make up the Montreal weather because it always says rainy or cloudy but lately it's just been a million degrees.

Anyways, in comparison, Rome is a ball of fucking sunshine.


Do I need to explain the round yellow balls? I'd just like to point out that Barcelona, San Fran, and Vancouver look exactly the same. Montreal? Looks like this:

Rain and thundershowers, basically.

Also apparently the Philippines have been having bad weather too. According to Katrina Chicklet, who is there, "omg we've been having like fucking flooding every day. Flooding like seep into the car, waves crash against curbs flooding.

Flooding like children swim in it."

Another reason I've been checking the weather all the time is because if it rains (like legit rain, not drizzling) I don't have to go outside and work! I can stay in my chalet and read a book! And it also means that my boss probably won't go outside either, even if it's just to drive his truck.

And that's the weather report. I'm not sorry I'm really boring! Take that!

The Time Between Meeting and Finally Leaving is Sometimes Called Falling in Love

All I see is beyond the cigarette smoke,
part your lips to the words you spoke.
I harbor in my heart a hard piece of hope
it hardly stays afloat --
but I'll sail this leaky boat,
cover the holes with the ends of my coat and washed up notes,
those silly poems I always wrote.
Take my hand and we'll elope,
we'll learn to cope, I mean it, I've got hope.
I know we'll float

Gently down the stream.
Does anybody know what these words mean?
I mean, you and I, both eighteen
somewhere between being peasants and being queen.
What a world I've dreamed, what a hope I've preened,
what a kiss that nobody's seen.

When we arrive half asleep and ready to weep
onto the shore we leap and lie in a heap.
Listen to the lingering sounds from the street.
What a nice place to meet,
but you're calling defeat,
you're ready to leave, to lose, to retreat.
You want to fix this leak, sail this antique

Back but wait! Stay on the shore
this isn't love if it isn't war --
I think there's more, let's go explore.
I don't know you better than I did before
but it's hard not to adore you, hard to ignore.
First we sailed and now we can soar.
What are you waiting for?

Take my hand and we'll elope,
we'll learn to cope, I mean it, I've got hope.
I know we'll float.

[lisa loeb - falling in love]
[eternity is in love with the productions of time]

San Francisco Part IV - in Black and White

Continuation of some of my faves from SF..

Coit Tower at night

downtown SF

Lady making focaccia

Boarding a street car

The rest from this roll are here.

"When they call it a lover's moon
the satellite
'Cause it acts just like lovers do
the satellite
The burned out world you know
staying up all night
the satellite"
- Elliott Smith "Satellite"

San Francisco Part III - The World in Black and White

I have to say the black and white photos from my trip are my favorite. These are my favorites from among the favorites.



Amoeba record store in Berkeley. Really, really cool place.


Street music..

Dangly things they sell at sidewalk sales

Campus access information at the University of Berkeley..

Couple - waiting in line to get to Alcatraz..


Cells at Alcatraz

The rest from this roll are up on flickr. Tomorrow is part IV!

"I remember on the sidewalk when I bike up to the hills
You singing in the headphones as I told you that I will
That song again in the alleyway takes me to my door
I'll be back for more.
I'm 14 forever so don't leave me alone."
- Stars "14 Forever"

Across the Universe

Traveling is one of my passions. I was on a plane before I knew how to walk, I hope I didn't cry on the planes, I know how annoying that is. I wonder if planes were as unpleasant then as they are now? Probably. Except now they have these tv things on the seat in front of you and you can check in online or at a self check in booth to save time because time is money and since no one has money or time, I guess these additions are in fact a great stress reliever and an advancement in technology. Although they don't stop the planes from being delayed or do something about the recycled air in a pressurized cabin or turbulence which scares the holy hell out of me, sometimes I have inner panic attacks when it's really bad. I'm not complaining about planes though, seriously, in the grand scheme of things they're quite helpful, imagine having to row a boat across the atlantic? Or riding a donkey to Vancouver? Five hours on a plane is not as bad as say, 3 months to get to the same place.

Anyways, what I was saying is that traveling is a very rewarding experience. I'm infinitely glad I've had the opportunity to visit other countries, I feel priviledged and cultured. There are still loads of places I'd like to see, here are some of them.

Germany/Poland

Yes, I know these are two separate countries. But they're right next to each other so I figure I can kill two birds with one stone, yeah? Yeah. What attracts me to these two countries is the WW2 history, I'd really like to see Auschwitz, in a totes non-creepy I'm-interested-in-history kind of way. There's also things like Oktoberfest in Germany which, you know, is fun when you bring some friends. Also In grade 7 I read a book about this boy in Poland, his name was Jan.

Australia

It has been a dream of mine to visit Australia some day. In grade 8 I went around at recess and lunch and asked people to donate their change so I could go to Australia, I probably made about 10 dollars! I wanted to go so badly I even looked up flight info online, it cost $4000 for one person, I was like, "I can totally (not) do this!" I didn't think about coming back, I didn't even know that you have to stay there for like, a month, or else it's not worth it. Also I didn't take into account the gigantic spiders and bugs they have there, when I go I'm going to wear a body net like that guy whose picture I'm not allowed to post but if you scroll down you'll see it.

Greece

I took a Graeco-Roman class last semester and now I want to go to Greece. I want to drink their wine and lie on their beaches and get a mediterranean tan. For a while I didn't know that Greece was to the east of Italy, one day I looked at a map and was very surprised. Anyways, there's tons of shit to see there, like Delphi where they used to have the Delphic oracle with "priestess'" inhaling vapors from the ground that made them high so they could, you know, be "wise" and stuff. Sounds like a nice job right?

India/The Himalayas

Even I find this really random. I want to see the sherpas and yaks and eat Nepalese food and see Mt. Everest! I also want to see elephants in the streets of India and go in their temples, but I really don't want diarreah or other sicknesses you can aquire there, I just realized I'm not educated enough to go there yet. But the Taj Mahal is defs on my list of things to see.

Also I really want to go to Portland, even though I've heard there's nothing there, I just want to chill with Chris Walla.

"I've been traveling a while
haven't found a place to call my own.
I've been a million miles
still feeling all alone.
And I'm on my way back home, again."
- Jim Ward "On my way Back Home Again"