I think the idea that I can't have everything infuriates me

I think the idea that I can't have it all drives me insane. Why can't I take 18 credits and have a job at the same time? Because that's insane. Why can't I learn the things I want to learn? What did I come to university for? To be a writer. Oh yeah, to be a writer. That's what I said before I came here. I said I would be a writer with or without university. But aren't I writing right now? Isn't anyone who writes a writer? Oh, but to be a good writer. Ah, well.

Here I am. I want everything. An apartment with a living room for fuck's sake. A job that doesn't take everything I am for minimum wage plus 10cents. It's nothing. It's something. I feel broken.

If I don't like it why do I do it? If I demand better what does that make me? Insolent, maybe. Ungrateful.

Can I get some quiet? I know, I know, I know. It's just this day. But I can't be quiet. I can't turn me off. There's always someone in there, knock knock knock, right, she says, why can't you have it all. And then another, you have too much. Oh, help. You'll never have enough.

Oh, and I want and I want and I want it all.

[the temper trap - fools]

Things I Want Right Now That I Can't Afford

1. a studio apartment (or, really, just any apartment)

2. a new bike

3. an iphone 4

4. fame

5. this hoodie

6. laser eye surgery

Identity Crisis #2: Hair

The last time I got a haircut was in the middle of August on top of a roof by professional hair cutter & stylist Laura Wooley Mammoth and I was half naked. Look, here is a picture from that same day.

my hair stylist and I are closepersonalfriends.

I usually get my hair cut every ~3 months as my hair grows fast and it is also short which means that I have to cut it in order to avoid the shaggy dog look. But this year I moved out of my parents' house and September, October, November, and parts of December happened and by that I mean my life disintegrated to the point where I was a frumpy mess of clothes lying in bed wondering if I actually existed. In between this and trying to spend as little money as possible, I seriously considered letting my hair grow out. I have not had long hair since I was 17. Mostly every time I think about growing my hair out, I think about the shaggy dog phase and then decide that I don't want to do it. In November I asked for a haircut for my birthday, which I didn't get. I don't remember what I was thinking at the time. I think I just couldn't be bothered to get a haircut/didn't want to spend money on it/wanted my professional hair stylist to do it until I decided that I wanted to grow my hair long enough for a full ponytail and then cut it off.

Okay, most of that is bullshit.

Here's what I noticed when I first cut my hair back in grade 11: people started calling me 'sir'. I have never been called 'sir' until I cut my hair. I have to make a bit of a stretch to see where people get confused with my gender, but I can see it. I get it, kind of. One might say that I have an androgynous face. I don't know. Some people are surprised when I tell them people call me 'sir', some people are not.

I also noticed that when I got a fauxhawk I got called 'sir' a lot more, especially at work. This led me to wear v-necks and boots with heels more often.

You see, this is the truth: part of me is afraid I am growing my hair out because I want to "pass". I'm afraid I'm doing it for the wrong reasons. Semi-consciously I've tried to pass at work because let's face it, it's fucking awkward when customers realize you're not actually a 'sir'. I've spent most of my life wanting to fit in with the "normal" kids, but I could never wear the dresses or heels or 234 different kinds of make up. But I could have the long hair. Right? A teeny tiny part of me wants to be normal.

But really, I want to be a person who is not afraid to be herself. Sometimes I am. I want people to recognize that there is more than one way of looking like a girl. I don't want to pass.

On the other hand, I want people to see that lesbians can have long hair.

On the other foot, I don't want my hair to be my identity. Does anyone really care about my hair that much. So while I sit here pondering the meaning of my existence my hair is growing longer. It's in a ponytail and it's really cute, if I may say so myself.

The other truth is that I will probably cut it all off and run rampant like a good angry queer feminist with a radical homosexual agenda and sweet combat boots. JK about the combat boots.

How To Cook Everything

Every day we wake up we promise to be better. We promise ourselves to make changes. We want to love more, love better, try harder. We can do anything we want to.

I will stop worrying about money. I will live better. Maybe not tomorrow, but today at least. That's all I can give. That's all I can promise. For today to be better, at least.

I am not growing in a straight line. I want to learn to love you more.

By now you're probably wondering why this is titled "How To Cook Everything" when there is clearly nothing about cooking here. The answer is that "How To Cook Everything" is a cookbook that is right next to me and I'm avant garde like that. JK.

Identity Crisis

I've never seen myself as particularly "Western" before, but that's because I live in The West. I identify as a Canadian partially as a reaction to the things surrounding me that are Not Canadian, like the United States. I notice my "Chineseness" because of all the Non-Chinese people around me. And I identify as gay, or queer, because of the "divide" between queers and straights. If there was no such thing as heterosexuality I wouldn't need to identify as queer at all. I would just be. Even though I'm Chinese, I'm also mostly Canadian, or Western, or North American. I wouldn't fit in in China at all!

That's sort of how I feel about living in the West. Prior to this semester I had never taken any courses that taught me anything about places further east than Europe. Africa was just this one chunk of land that was full of starving black people and South Africa had some white people. "South Africa" could basically have referred to the lower half of Africa.

But now I'm learning things about The East and it makes me feel really self-conscious of my North American Status. I've never felt that before because I don't feel like I'm an embodiment of "capitalism", but I guess I probably am. It's really hard to talk about things that are not Euro-centric without bringing in my own presuppositions and attitudes and I feel like I'm interfering in something that isn't mine. I feel like Stuff White People Like: Being an Expert on YOUR culture. Like, look at me, some North American with enough money to go to university and listen to another North American talk about Asia.

I think I feel weird about this because I've never been a "majority" before. I can't look at myself the same way anymore. I can't ask the same questions anymore. I don't wish that I was Eastern. I wish that being labeled as "something" wasn't so important. I wish that I didn't have to feel "American" and that democracy is the best and everyone should have democracy. I feel weird about having "power" but also I don't feel like I have power. I don't know. This probably stopped making sense a long time ago. I'm having an identity crisis, I'll get back to you on my feelings later.

I Think I'll Print It In The Personals That I'm Looking For A Match

Wanted: Robot Girlfriend

Position starting immediately - mid/late-December

Tasks:

+ eat dinner with me

+ go grocery shopping with me

+ do laundry with me

+ be available for hours of cuddling and spooning (therefore it would help if you are a critter)

+ come over when i call you on the telephone

+ appreciate random text messages

+ make me breakfast in the morning

+ go to bars with me at the last minute

+ bake with me

Bonus if you:

+ have a car

+ have money

+ like sweatpants

DO NOT APPLY IF YOU:

+ have feelings

+ like to wake up early

+ have a life

[also this:

Wanted single F,

under 33

must enjoy the sun

must enjoy the sea

sought by single M F

nothing too heavy

send photo to address

is it you and me?]

Also also I live here:

JUST SAYING. Maybe you want to come over or something.

it's kind of quiet here in my cave.

there were many things to do

today.

somedays, not so much.

i bought nice clothes

to get a nice job

hoping it will pay for itself.

we'll see.

i am obsessed

with a cheese grater.

i must have a kettle

to make tea in my new apartment.

get me a frying pan

STAT

and please,

if you care about me in any way at all,

please

tell me it's going to be okay.

i hope the bank

will accept 47 dollars and 54 cents

in nickels and dimes.

i hope you know

that i would carry

the weight for you.

i hope you know

that there is an ocean inside of me.

it takes an ocean not to break.

we'll see.

Things The World Is Trying To Convincing Me Of

+ I have breast cancer

+ I have brain cancer

+ My body is eating me from the inside out

+ I don't exist

+ I will never complete a full to-do list

+ I need therapy

+ I need to eat healthier

+ I need to exercise more

+ My breasts are going to be saggy

+ Getting old is the apocalypse

+ 25 is old

+ I need to grow up

+ University is a waste of time (why does the world convince me of this?)

+ University will get me a job

+ We're all going to die in 2012

+ Everything is going to be fine

+ Mo' money, mo' problems

+ My plane is going to be hijacked

+ I need to have children

+ There are too many children

+ I need to be more cultured

+ I need more money

+ STOP PANICKING

+ I need to panic

+ I can be anything even superman

+ Good things come to those who wait

+ Seize the day

+ I don't know enough

+ I'm lazy

+ I know too much

+ I don't read enough

+ I'm going to get cancer from smoking, second-hand smoke, using my cell phone to call people, microwaves, hair dye, x- rays, asbestos, bottled water, chips, genes, deodorant, chinese food, coffee, sunblock, bleach, orange juice, pesticides, low cholesterol, everything on this list, stress, obesity, white bread, cookies, crackers, everything yummy, alcohol, artificial flavours, being a woman, being a man, bubble baths, fake nails, lipstick, menstruating, pizza, redbull, tattoos, sex, shaving, third-hand smoke, everything in the whole world except tomatoes and the sun

+ Technology is evil

+ Technology is the best thing ever

+ I should live in the woods

+ We're all the same

+ I'm a unique and special snowflake

+ I'm depressed

+ I have ADD

+ I'm schizophrenic

+ I'm bipolar

+ I'm OCD

+ I have an anxiety disorder

+ I need to be a STRONG POWERFUL INDEPENDENT WOMAN

+ I need 5 jobs

+ Wikipedia is not a valid source of information

+ Everyone is scared so shutup

+ Nikki needs a chandelier

+ There are spies among us

+ Spiders won't eat me in my sleep

+ I need to be famous to accomplish things

+ I need to love more

+ I need to love less

+ I have SARS

+ I'm going to hell

+ Hell is not a real place

+ There's an app for that

+ I need to be kinder

+ I need to be more patient

+ I need to do things for myself

+ Shakespeare was the greatest writer of all time

+ I need to stop being so hard on myself

+ People care

+ No one cares

+ The answer is somewhere else

+ I need to follow my heart

+ I need to listen to my brain

+ The arts are a waste of time

+ I need to recycle more

+ I need to learn how to drive

+ I need to drink more water

+ I need a crutch

+ Drugs are bad

+ I'm stupid

+ I'm smarter than you

+ I need to leave my house

+ There is no cure

+ There is a God

+ There is no God

+ CLEAN ALL THE THINGS

+ I NEED MORE MONEY

+ I NEED MORE EXPERIENCE

+ I NEED MORE CULTURE

+ I NEED MORE THINGS

+ I NEED LESS THINGS

+ I NEED A TOOLBOX

+ I NEED TO TRAVEL

+ I NEED TO HAVE FUN

+ I NEED TO CALM DOWN

+ I'M ABNORMAL

+ I'M NORMAL

+ MONEY

+ SEIZE THE DAY

+ TRAVEL

+ MONEY

+ JOBS

+ INDEPENDENCE

+ MONEY

+ NO SLEEP

+ SEIZE THE DAY

+ MONEY

+ ORGANIZE

+ SETTLE

+ CLEAN ALL THE THINGS

+ MONEY

+ MENTAL DISORDERS

+ DISEASES

+ GOVERNMENT

+ EQUALITY

+ MONEY

+ POWER

+ FAME

+ CLEAN ALL THE THINGS

+ EXTINCTION

+ POTATOES

+ DIY

ETC. FOREVER AND EVER OMG

money diary

in February i started a little project where i write down in a moleskin that cost me $3.3333etc how much money i spent and what i spent it on.

example:

feb. 1 2010

french vanilla - $1.65

feb. 3 2010

the return of the soldier - $16.80 (book)

feb. 4 2010

cajun chicken sandwich - $5

tampons - $6.76

french vanilla - $1.57

etc.

i'd say that i probably spent most of my money in february on french vanillas or food. actually i'm guessing that like 90% of my money was spent on food. the other 10% was tampons, which i hate buying, the february bus pass, which i also hate buying, a cab ride, books, a 50 cent library fee, and the mailing of the dawson transcript to the university of british columbia.

also my dad paid for university applications so that doesn't really count.

in total in february i spent $170.29 which is more than i made. so far, in one half of february i have made $37 which i already spent on my march bus pass. i'm still waiting for the second half of my february paycheck, which is probs gonna be like 5 dollas. jk that's less than minimum wage.

anyways, the point of starting the money diary was so that i would see what i was buying and be like "oh god, stop spending" but that didn't happen. howevs, i now know where my money is going and knowledge is power, my friends. jk money is probably more powerful. jk jk knowledge is power. jk love is power. blah blah. power is power. pow.