Stolen: Old bike, probably worth nothing to you

Grey Minelli bike, medium size, used condition. Pretty heavy. Was last seen locked to a bike post outside my apartment. Worth more in happiness points than money. Whatever. Keep the bike, you asshole. I hope you crash and break your bike-stealing arms.

Basically, this:

february, you're a piece of shit, always

february you're ruining my life what the hell do you think you're doing stop fucking snowing

forever and ever you're the worst month of the year i hate your guts and i hope you melt

Why In The World Would I Want To Be Perfect?: A Lament On Braces

Warning: the following blog post is extremely dramatic and contains language which may not be suitable for people who don't like swearing. Reader discretion is advised.

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A few weeks ago I went to the orthodontist and he suggested that I get 3 or 4 braces on my bottom teeth to fix this one tooth that wasn't doing what he wanted it to do.

My orthodontist had made this proposition to me 3 months earlier before I went to China and I had laughed in his face. Braces? Um, yeah right. Back track to 8 years ago when I was 13 and the same orthodontist said my braces would be on for a year to a year and a half. They were the new, stronger type at that time. Fast forward a little bit to a few weeks before my prom with braces still on. You know, 4 years later.

I often say that glasses are ruining my life, but when I was in high school, braces were ruining my life. If you've never had braces before then I'm sorry but you just don't understand. Unless you have some other kind of mouth thing that rips the inside of your cheeks repeatedly or had to have elastics tying your mouth together or been forced to cut the corn on the cob off the cob, you just don't understand. So, 3 months ago, when my orthodontist suggested braces, my initial reaction was

FUCK NO.

NEVER.

FUCK OFF.

FUCK YOU.

FUCKING DIE.

NO.

He said come back after China and we'll talk about it.

This time, I was more prepared when he asked me about braces again. I really don't want braces, I said. I tried to emphasize the 'really'. In fact I said it multiple times. I really, really, really do not want braces. I have been going to this place since for 7 or 8 years. My dad has paid you a bajillion dollars. Leave me the fuck alone already.

But he showed me a mirror. I've seen it already, the crooked tooth. I look at pictures of myself and it's plainly obvious to me (but probably to no one else). This one stupid tooth is turning my perfect thousands-of-dollars smile into something less than perfect. The nurse said it might even get worse (but probably not). That's just ridiculous.

Normally I embrace "flaws". I'm a really short person, but will that bring me down? No! I will use it to my advantage! I was born this way!

But 8 years ago I had made the decision to change my teeth. It was work, it cost money, it was literally painful, I cried real tears probably way too much during the braces years. They really weren't as cool as they looked on my older cousin. But with anything that I work on, I want the end result to be good. No, I want it to be perfect. Did I go through 5 years of braces hell to finish with one crooked tooth? No, I did not. When I start something the finished product needs to meet my unrealistic expectations/standards of perfection. (Okay, that part might be where I'm a little bit crazy).

I sat in the chair and looked at my teeth in the mirror. What the fuck does this stupid tooth think it's doing anyway? How did this even happen? I refuse to believe that I am not the master controller of everything in my body. I will will this tooth to fix itself. Barring that, I will learn to love my crooked tooth. Nobody will notice it. Plus, I always seem to have crushes on people with crooked teeth. If I don't want them to change, why should I want my teeth to change? I'm almost 21 years old! My braces time is over! It's too late. Fuck that noise. People will learn to love me with my crooked smile.

Who am I kidding? I said yes to the braces (mostly because I want to be famous and famous people have straight teeth) and then I went home and cried because I'm a baby. Also because the receptionist said they were fully booked until October, and I'd have to wait until bloody motherfucker goddamned October. Goddamnit. I hate everything.

If only the orthodontist could have done it in August when I had my appointment, they could practically be off by October. Instead, I'm going to have them for Halloween, my birthday, Christmas, New Years...

I really, really, really want to call them and cancel my appointment. Just fuck it. It's one tooth, it's not even that crooked. These people are causing me serious emotional turmoil. Come on, Emily, you can do it. Tell them (politely) to fuck off. Pick up the phone...

I really, really, really don't want braces. But I also really, really, really don't want crooked teeth. Fuck me. Why oh why do I crave perfection?

The One Where I Have Feelings About "The Marriage Ref"

Due to a recent obsession with Tina Fey and through word of mouth (read: twitter), I have come to hear about a show called "The Marriage Ref". Without ever watching this show, I could tell you that IT IS THE WORST SHOW EVER. WTF.

If you don't know what The Marriage Ref is all about, let me tell you: there is a "referee". There is a married couple. There are 3 judges -- two guests, one Jerry Seinfeld, creator of this monstrosity. The married couple have a fight. The guest judges debate the issue. The "referee" makes a call. Someone wins something. No, just kidding, this is a show where humanity loses.

I tried to think of reasons why someone as smart as Tina Fey would agree to be part of shit like this. My opinion? Seinfeld was once on Tina Fey's show 30 Rock. Now she's returning the favour. Plus, they're both with NBC. Maybe this isn't why she did it but I'm going to pretend it is because it would hurt me if Tina actually wanted to be on The Marriage Ref. Like I would be personally hurt. Kind of like when Penelope Cruz signed the petition to let Roman Polanski off for rape. Really, Penelope? Whyyyyyyyyy

The Marriage Ref doesn't do anything helpful for anybody (the issue isn't even resolved at the end). In fact, what it does is reinforce gender stereotypes and showcase failing marriages at a time when people like Maggie Gallagher are trying to tell us that "marriage is a sacred institution".

[While we're on the topic of marriage, I'm on a rampage because I've been reading "opposing viewpoints" on homosexuality for my moral issues in law class, and some of that stuff is so infuriating. Burman Skrable argues that the sexual revolution has allowed it so that people have sex for pleasure instead of just procreation and that now marriage is not all about having children when really it should be. I have a few things to say: a) we let old people get married. b) we let infertile/impotent people get married. c) we let people who don't want to have children get married. d) we are overpopulated. Estimates are that in 50 years we will have over 9 billion people on this planet and we cannot sustain that many people. Also, I feel like Burman Skrable a) never gets laid or b) if he gets laid he hates it because his homophobia is probably just repressed homosexuality.]

I really didn't want to watch The Marriage Ref. I'm actually mad that Tina Fey did this to me. And though I planned to watch it and never tell anyone ever, I was actually SO MAD that I had to write this blog post and therefore admit that I spent 42 minutes wanting to stab myself in the eyes. Just to see Tina Fey, hoping that maybe, maaaybe it wasn't as bad as it sounded. No, it was the worst thing ever. I would rather spend the rest of my life watching Ghost World than see 5 seconds of The Marriage Ref [I hated Ghost World]. But, watching it gives me the authority to judge it. I watched it so you don't have to! You're welcome!

See, it was 4 couples. The first couple were arguing because the husband liked to get manicures and pedicures and shave his chest and generally be clean or something. The wife didn't like that. BORING STUPID STAB STAB STAB. Wives should have a lease, like cars! You should be able to return them after a certain amount of time! Hahahahahaha! And Seinfeld was like "metrosexual, what is that, like, a third gender?" STAB STAB STAB MYSELF IN THE EARS. Gender does not equal sex. Gender does not equal sex. Gender does not equal sex. There are a lot of different genders. Like a lot.

Also; Tom Papa whatever the fuck his name is -- not funny. Worst host ever.

The second couple made me the most angry. The wife bought a diy porch and the husband couldn't put it together and that made her mad so she was like, you're a man you should be hardwired to build things and put porches together

Are you serious, woman? I suppose she also wants to put on her apron and stay in the kitchen and bear children and get rid of her right to vote? Does she leave the house without her husband's permission? stab stab stab stab

Oh hello 21st century, I did not see you there.

Third couple -- the woman flosses in bed. OMG I DON'T EVEN CARE SHOOT ME IN THE FUCKING FACE

Fourth couple -- he takes off his wedding ring to play basketball. He sucks at basketball. Tina Fey says she can take him one on one. I say I will take Tina Fey one on one but not at basketball.

This show looks like it's scripted. The arguments look fake. The arguments are fucking stupid. These couples look like they're not even communicating with each other. Why can't the woman help her husband build the porch? She can't read? She doesn't have arms? I almost recapped this episode except I couldn't bring myself to watch it twice. I can't even bring myself to go back to check if my quotes are right.

What is the point of this show? It doesn't offer solutions to fighting couples, it's just supposed to make us laugh because some woman flosses in bed and some man likes to get his eyebrows waxed. It's not funny. I wanted to kill myself. The Hills is better than this show.

I can't believe this is the "sacred institution" they call marriage. Can we please get rid of this show, and let gays marry? thanks.

Also, Tina Fey -- so beautiful. Worth 42 minutes of permanent cringing face. Howevs, NEVER AGAIN. EVER.

How Do I Loathe Thee, February? Let Me Count The Ways

Let's face it: February fucking sucked. No, seriously. February, the shortest month of the year, felt like it was itself a hundred years long. February sucked the life out of me. I don't know if it's because I'm PMSing or if the world just wants to be annoying, but I can't help but be pissed off at EVERYTHING! RAWR!

February is not the bus that you missed by 1 minute. February is the bus that never came. February left you standing in the wet, wet snow.

February is 3 work shifts and $108. February is not enough money to start a savings account because there are no savings.

February is never leaving your house on weekends. February is a broken promise. February made me spiteful and cynical and bitter.

February is an annotated bibliography.

(February is an exorcise in bullshit.)

February is Monday everyday.

These are my thoughts/feelings:

I am not going to finish A Farewell to Arms.

I need a hair cut.

That's it.

This is why I hated February:

1. Integrative Seminar

2. Text Summaries

3. Ann Veronica

4. This semester fucking sucks?

5. I missed the bus every day by 10 seconds.

6. everything else

I have so much rage it's kind of scaring me. I mean I kind of wanting to elbow an old man in the face yesterday.

There's this song that kind of summarizes how I feel about February, it's called "I Hate Everyone" by Get Set Go and you should listen to it.

Some stupid chick in the check out line

was paying for beer with nickels and dimes

and some old manic with coupons

argued whenever they wouldn't take one.

All I wanted to was buy some cigarettes

but I couldn't take it anymore so I left.

I hate everyone.

Alright. Let's go, March!

Open Letter to the STM and Transit Users

You never fail to frustrate me at least once a day.

To the STM;

I don't know why I should expect reasonable customer service, ever. I can't count the number of times I was yelled at for using student tickets back when tickets still existed, and now I'm forced to pay for a monthly pass if I want the discount. Obvs it was cheaper when I could get 10 reduced fare tickets on my Opus before.

The worst though, are the buses. The buses never run on time. The first bus doesn't come, and the next one comes late. The bus drivers are mean. No, really. A bus driver once gave me false information about the bus that I was on. Maybe it was an accident, but really, shouldn't he know anyway? Once I was accused of fraud by a metro lady.

Also, regular transit fare is expensive. The Opus doesn't work with the trains. The train doesn't even run near me. What's the point of telling me my Opus card expires October 2010 if you're going to make me renew it in 2009? Why do I have to pay $13 to have my Opus renewed?

Thanks for expanding the metro in every direction except west.

I hate you with every fibre of my being.

To transit users;

It's not that I hate you all, but sometimes you just suck the fun out of my day.

Just so we're clear, we're all using public transportation for the same reason: to get somewhere. So, you know, I'm probably just as late for school as you are for work. At the end of the day, I want to get home just as badly as you do. Why do you have to make it so hard?

My number one pet peeve, and this seems to happen every day of my life, is when people stand on the left side of the escalator. This is common knowledge everywhere that on a highway, the left lane is for faster drivers. The further right you are, the slower you go. I know that and I don't even drive. The same applies for the escalator. If you stand on the left side and everyone else stands on the right, you are blocking the entire escalator. Everyone behind you who wants to catch a bus hates your guts and wants you to explode into a pile of dust (or maybe just me). How is it even hard to figure out when the whole left side is open? Here are some things to think about before using the escalator: if you can't make it up the whole way, DON'T DO IT. GET ON THE RIGHT SIDE. DON'T WALK HALFWAY UP, REALIZE YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK, AND STOP. At the top of the escalator, a lot of people stop walking for some reason. If there are a lot of people behind you, this ends up creating a standing line. Keep walking until you're off the escalator. It's not that scary, I promise.

The other thing that bothers me is the lines for buses. Taking the 470 at anytime from 4-6:30 sucks. Everyone knows that. The line wraps around the sidewalk and overlaps other bus stop lines. In really shitty weather everyone is miserable and cold and wants to go home obviously. But why are you making a second line? I get it that you think you're not going to make the first bus, so you stand "first" in line to be "first" on the next bus that comes, except what you're really doing is butting in front of everyone else who is already in line. Like, I'm in the real line and I miss the first bus, and then you come along and get in this fake second line and the next bus comes and YOU JUST INTEGRATE YOURSELF INTO THE REAL LINE I HATE YOU OMG YOU ARE RUINING MY LIFE

SRSLY

IT'S SO FUCKING COLD OUTSIDE

GET IN LINE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE

Do you know why this irritates me so? Because how do you tell these people what they are doing is cheating and annoying? Like in elementary school is that what they taught you? That it's okay to butt in line? Next time I see you at course change I'm just going to start a new line and go in front of you. FORGET EVER STANDING IN A LINE, I'M JUST GOING TO MAKE MY OWN LINE AND GO WHENEVER I FEEL LIKE IT

Lastly, I don't want to hear your music on the way home. So if you have headphones you should use them. If you have headphones and are using them and I can hear your music over my music then I hate you, I just hate you

I want to rip your headphones from your ears and punch you in the face and make your eyes bleed

Sometimes when I get mad I feel violent. I'm glad I have this blog to rant to or else I might bottle up all my feelings inside and just cry myself to sleep instead. Sidenote I feel like I am blogging autowin style

That is, not using periods

leaving those sentences hanging in mid-air

If I Murdered A Senior Citizen Would It Still Be The Same

I had a few ideas for tonight's post, the first being Authority capital A and really just an excuse for me to rip into my boss at whose hands I've had two really crappy days at work because he both infuriated and humiliated me two days in a row. The second being the irony that someone whose friendship I once sought 5 years ago is now requesting my friendship on facebook. The third is that I almost caught the dreaded swine flu.

None of these topics are really suitable for a whole blog post; I don't want to publically ("publically" - who reads this?) bash my boss (though I'm trying really hard not to write some swear words right now nannyfucking motherfucker oops) because it's something private, and while the irony of this facebook request is interesting to me I would probably be so vague about it no one would understand anyway (though I do have the distinct pleasure in saying that I have so far not responded to it...). I don't have anything to say about the swine flu except that I almost thought I almost had it and then I didn't.

Instead I've decided to do a post about things that have almost happened to me or things that I almost did -- which is a bit uncharacteristic considering that I hate dwelling on the past because it only serves to confuse me and I am already very confused (why? I don't know). I actually find it kind of fascinating to think about how different my life would be if things had gone the other way. Fascinating, but if I think about it too much I would probably kill myself because there's no way to find out and that would drive me mad. Unless someone figured out how to time travel, etc., where's Albus Dumbledore? No wait he's dead, like MJ and Farrah Fawcett about whom everyone forgot. Harry Potter the movie is coming out soon. What am I talking about? Oh yeah.

5 Things That Almost Happened To Me But Didn't
(in no real order, numbering is just because I feel like they need to be numbered)

5. I almost didn't make the Dawson hockey team

See, this would've most certainly have changed my first year in CEGEP quite a bit. For one thing, I probably would've been happier but I never would have met up with Katrina in DC. I also probably would never have seen a "councellor" who looks like Sandra Bernhard or that other therapist I saw twice but stopped because she was terrible/TERRIBLE and swallowed weirdly, which you may think trivial but you never met her, so.

4. I almost didn't switch programs in grade 9

The only reason I switched was because my schedule on the first day of grade 9 was so scary and crappy that I didn't want to stay. I probably would have been happier had I not switched programs -- the last 3 years of high school were the worst of my life. However I wouldn't have met That Person Who Moved to Iowa nor that other person whose name I am also too embarassed to put here. I probably wouldn't have felt as alienated, depressed, stupid, confused, or rejected as I did but I guess it's a good thing (what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, y'know, whatever).

3. I almost did something that one night at that one party

zomg life would have been so different wouldn't it. No point in explaining this one; I like to be vague and mysterious, keep people on their toes.... jk.

2. I almost didn't go to New York

I had to work like 15 days in a row so I could go to New York but it was soo worth it. Best decision ever. Canadian border security people thought I was crazy (they're obvs wrong) and searched my bag (#1 is I almost got arrested for smuggling the marijuana over the border. jk again. see? not crazy).

1. I almost murdered a senior citizen at a bank

JK that was Riese Michael Jackson Someone Else. Er... I mean there are lots of other things that Almost Happened but like really, I can't dwell on them/think about them it sucks too much. I could say I Almost Didn't Punch A Hole In My Wall but that would be a lie. Oh I know! When I was little I almost mailed an envelope of about $10 in change (my life's savings) to scholastic so I could be part of the Mary-Kate and Ashley fanclub or whatevs.

tell me that you know another way to get it done

wtf, edouard-montpetit
go suck a fish
go eat a donkey
go die

something doesn't feel right
i want to crawl into a hole and stop eating
don't try and make me feel better
cause this time it really matters

it's been a pleasure

you lay awake in the night just staring at the ceiling above
pulling pieces of it out is such a waste of time
keep on fighting to remember that nothing is lost in the end
when you burn, burn, burn your life down

All I Wanna Do Is Complain And Take Your Money

The new facebook is a piece of shit. As is this asscrack of a computer I'm using instead of my supposedly youthful laptop (still under warranty) which is in the hospital (my uncle's place) undergoing surgery for memory loss (RAM).

In the grand scheme of things I really have nothing to complain about, but when has that ever stopped anyone. No, wait. I hate when people say that. I am grateful that I don't live in a third world country. I am grateful that I have food, not dirt on my plate, and that I actually have a plate to eat it off. But as much as they didn't choose where they were born, neither did I. There's not really much I can do about the shitty life people in third world countries live, besides donate a bit. I could volunteer to help build a school in some place across the Atlantic. Would that satisfy my soul? It's not like I starved the kids and put them there myself. Blame the shitfaced Europeans in the 15th and 16th centuries who thought it would be a good idea to make Africans slaves.

In all honesty, I don't think about dying kids during the course of my day, but I bet you don't either. It makes me sound heartless doesn't it. Because really, they're over there, and I'm here. My life is here. I have real deadlines here. Things that affect me, personally, here. Mememe. Yes it is all about me. And if you're you, you're saying the same thing. It's in our nature to put ourselves first. Maybe volunteers are looking for a special place in heaven. Most likely it's because it makes them feel good about themselves.

I don't even know why I'm ranting about this, I'm mad about something else.

What I really want to rant about is my laptop. I feel empty and nervous without it. It's not the fact that I don't have a computer, obviously I have a computer, it's that my stuff is on it. All my music and pictures and thoughts are on it. The music is the worst, I think. Some people put their records and/or cd's on a shelf; I put mine on my laptop. And it's not like you buy one cd, you've bought them all, no, people have really large collections of music. Imagine if someone came into your house and stole all your cd's? I feel like that. Along with my photo albums, which people also collect. Those things are irreplaceable. Maybe I do sound like a first world asshole complaining about being rich, but anyone who's reading this has a computer too. Also, does the fact that I'm defending myself from criticism I never received mean I have a guilty conscience?

I've been in a bad mood for 2 days. March break sucks.