Where Are My Keys I Lost My Brain

Do you want to hear a funny story? I'm sure you do. Today I had a Very Important Exam and I forgot a few things at home:

1. a pen

2. the keys to my house

3. my brain

Fortunately I managed to get a pen but not the 2 other things. That's okay because I have tonight to stave off insanity before the next Very Important Exam.

Today I wanted to talk to you about WINTER but I totally forgot everything I wanted to write about a few days ago and haven't been able to remember since. So I'm sorry I have the mental capacity of a fetus. There are so many hipster photos of the desolation of winter on tumblr, you can just go look there.

Anyways, I'm just going to tell you a few things, in a addition to the few things I told you last week.

1. there are 222 unread items in my google reader

2. what should i eat for dinner?

Alright, so there's not much going on in my head that doesn't have to do with school. Look, here's a graph I made about my brain.

I sure hope that that's mathematically accurate as I am one of those people who are mathematically challenged ("I crack jokes now and then, but it's only because I struggle with math" - Tina Fey).

But seriously? The end of this semester is kind of making me sad. See, even though I didn't really like this semester, I really liked this semester. I think I didn't like this semester because I was really sad for half of it. But once things started to pick up, I really enjoyed my classes. Except for the Canadian Law one which makes me want to BLOW MY BRAINS OUT (though I still think it's a really important class to take and therefore am proud of myself for sticking it out and simultaneously disappointed in myself for forgetting s.10 of the Charter on my VIE today). And even though Concordia's library is not as cozy and comfy and beautiful as Dawson's, I've still come to appreciate it for its weird sections and stairs that make me out of breath, even if right now there are too many people and not enough chairs and desks.

Basically I am not ready for this semester to be over (I am kind of ready for exams to be over, though) (I would like to learn things and not have to prove that I've learned them). I am, however, really excited to read things that I want to read and watch movies that I want to watch! So far I have ~2.5 weeks of break to read:

1. Veronica by Mary Gaitskill

2. Inferno by Eileen Myles

3. The Wind-Up Bird Chronicles by Haruki Murakami

and 2.5 weeks of break to watch:

1. the episodes of 30 rock I've missed

2. Last Train Home

3. Trembling Before God

and anything else that might come up.

Also I'm going to England the 22nd of December with possibly no internet which might be the most freeing thing in the world. Not that I don't love you, internet, but sometimes you are just so overwhelming and clingy. I'm coming back though, don't worry.

If I Murdered A Senior Citizen Would It Still Be The Same

I had a few ideas for tonight's post, the first being Authority capital A and really just an excuse for me to rip into my boss at whose hands I've had two really crappy days at work because he both infuriated and humiliated me two days in a row. The second being the irony that someone whose friendship I once sought 5 years ago is now requesting my friendship on facebook. The third is that I almost caught the dreaded swine flu.

None of these topics are really suitable for a whole blog post; I don't want to publically ("publically" - who reads this?) bash my boss (though I'm trying really hard not to write some swear words right now nannyfucking motherfucker oops) because it's something private, and while the irony of this facebook request is interesting to me I would probably be so vague about it no one would understand anyway (though I do have the distinct pleasure in saying that I have so far not responded to it...). I don't have anything to say about the swine flu except that I almost thought I almost had it and then I didn't.

Instead I've decided to do a post about things that have almost happened to me or things that I almost did -- which is a bit uncharacteristic considering that I hate dwelling on the past because it only serves to confuse me and I am already very confused (why? I don't know). I actually find it kind of fascinating to think about how different my life would be if things had gone the other way. Fascinating, but if I think about it too much I would probably kill myself because there's no way to find out and that would drive me mad. Unless someone figured out how to time travel, etc., where's Albus Dumbledore? No wait he's dead, like MJ and Farrah Fawcett about whom everyone forgot. Harry Potter the movie is coming out soon. What am I talking about? Oh yeah.

5 Things That Almost Happened To Me But Didn't
(in no real order, numbering is just because I feel like they need to be numbered)

5. I almost didn't make the Dawson hockey team

See, this would've most certainly have changed my first year in CEGEP quite a bit. For one thing, I probably would've been happier but I never would have met up with Katrina in DC. I also probably would never have seen a "councellor" who looks like Sandra Bernhard or that other therapist I saw twice but stopped because she was terrible/TERRIBLE and swallowed weirdly, which you may think trivial but you never met her, so.

4. I almost didn't switch programs in grade 9

The only reason I switched was because my schedule on the first day of grade 9 was so scary and crappy that I didn't want to stay. I probably would have been happier had I not switched programs -- the last 3 years of high school were the worst of my life. However I wouldn't have met That Person Who Moved to Iowa nor that other person whose name I am also too embarassed to put here. I probably wouldn't have felt as alienated, depressed, stupid, confused, or rejected as I did but I guess it's a good thing (what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, y'know, whatever).

3. I almost did something that one night at that one party

zomg life would have been so different wouldn't it. No point in explaining this one; I like to be vague and mysterious, keep people on their toes.... jk.

2. I almost didn't go to New York

I had to work like 15 days in a row so I could go to New York but it was soo worth it. Best decision ever. Canadian border security people thought I was crazy (they're obvs wrong) and searched my bag (#1 is I almost got arrested for smuggling the marijuana over the border. jk again. see? not crazy).

1. I almost murdered a senior citizen at a bank

JK that was Riese Michael Jackson Someone Else. Er... I mean there are lots of other things that Almost Happened but like really, I can't dwell on them/think about them it sucks too much. I could say I Almost Didn't Punch A Hole In My Wall but that would be a lie. Oh I know! When I was little I almost mailed an envelope of about $10 in change (my life's savings) to scholastic so I could be part of the Mary-Kate and Ashley fanclub or whatevs.

I Get by With a Little Help From my Friends

Nearing the end of the semester and the workload piling up, it's a wonder no one has yet collapsed and died. I've been thinking lately about why it hasn't happened to me, why I haven't just said "fuck it" and gone back to sleep. It can't be the English essay on a complete and utter bogus topic, nor can it be the history paper, long overdue which sits on my hard drive barely touched. It's not philosophy, certainly not Descartes who could ever motivate me enough to drag my ass to school and pay attention. It's not politics, the biggest joke of the year, for it's surprising when more than 10 people show up. It's not French, it's not math and logic, it's not art history -- all of which are long classes but somehow made shorter by the company beside me.

For once in my life, I actually enjoy school. It's not because I like all my classes or because I get a kick out of waking up at 6 am. It's the people around me. These are the people who have opened my eyes and healed my heart, who have reminded me that not everyone is the biggest asshole I've ever met.

One memorable class on religion, late nights and skipping a full day of classes to write about I - Thou relationships, near tears, hysterics, and then laughing at the absurdity of it all. It's about needing these projects like a fish needs a bicycle. It's about falling asleep on the stairs at 7:45 am waiting to walk together because I just can't wait for my friends in class. It's about counting the number of times Gesche Peters says "as it were", playing three way battleship on graph paper, falling asleep in the library, never answering your phone, trying to decipher airpline smoke trails in the sky, and taking pictures at the park. It's about wishing we were drunk, getting drunk, getting angry, crying, laughing, and then laughing some more, and finding a reason to stay. It's about being glad we chose this bullshit program and staying in it for all these things. Because for once it finally feels like I fit in somewhere.

I get up in the morning to see your fucking faces. You are absolutely the most incredible people I have ever met.

polanoid.

tell me that you know another way to get it done

wtf, edouard-montpetit
go suck a fish
go eat a donkey
go die

something doesn't feel right
i want to crawl into a hole and stop eating
don't try and make me feel better
cause this time it really matters

it's been a pleasure

you lay awake in the night just staring at the ceiling above
pulling pieces of it out is such a waste of time
keep on fighting to remember that nothing is lost in the end
when you burn, burn, burn your life down

We Are Dawson: Dream Big (Day 30)

I'm pretty sure the people this is written for are not going to read this, but then again I'm not really sure who I'm writing this for.

Montreal, I'm starting to like you. East Coast, you're showing me a better side. Maybe it was Washington, it must've been Washington, it must've been the spring weather, the buildings and streets which were so concrete and so cold but so refreshing. Maybe it's the Montreal night life, maybe it's someone I met, maybe it's Dawson, maybe it's mememe, or the weather, or the start of something new. Montreal, I'm starting to appreciate you [unintentional rhyme].

I think I love and hate that I didn't play the final game of the tournament. I think the people that need to read this are not going to read it, then again I'm not sure who those people are. I think I managed to hold it all together, I know I cheered a lot, I know I was positive, I know that it tore me up inside. When Rougeau sat next to me and said that This was it, we need a big shift from you, Choo, come on, I nodded and didn't say anything cause I knew there was no next shift for me. And she went on and she came back and I was still sitting there, the same place I sat all game.

I guess I should've seen it coming, right, not like I didn't work hard or played badly, no, this is what I signed up for, being a rookie and all. This is what I agreed to and I knew it, I'm surprised it came so late in the year and I wish it had been any other game and I wish so many things about this but it's over now. We won. I did my part, the best that I could, 'cause it's no use crying, and I won my own battle by overcoming that. I fought my own battle on our own side and I won in my own way.

And it's not a question of deserving or punishment, no, there are people who deserved it more than I did at other times than these. There are times when I should've been benched and I wasn't. Those things don't matter, it's a small step on a larger scale. I know that I am one of many, or one of a privileged group, and this was not a defeat on my part but a victory for all of us.

Only one person has said something to me about it, and I appreciate it more than anything. The tournament was a challenge, for us as a team and for each of us as individuals. It's nice that mine was acknowledge, if only by one person. It means something because others have failed in my position. So, thank you, you know who you are. And I don't think you'll read this, but at least this time I know who this is for.

Montreal, I'm happy to be back. It felt like a long time, five days. I know I'll want to leave again soon, but for now, for now.. you're alright, Montreal.

"Here is where loveliness can live with failure, and nothing's complete.
I love how we go on."
-Stephen Dunn "Loves"