How People Find My Blog

You guys, I'm worried. What is poilet fuking. In other news, this would explain why "the hairline receding" gets so many hits.

However, none of mine are quite as bad as Allie's from Hyperbole and a Half.

Things That A Computer Is Without Internet

+ an expensive notepad

+ an expensive stereo

+ an expensive chess board

+ a small DVD player

+ an expensive post-it

+ an expensive calendar

"i hate it when i lose internet and my facebook machines just becomes a typewriter that plays dvds" - kcdanger

(i was just without internet in my apartment for about a week and it was very strange but very refreshing. these were basically the only things i used my laptop for during that time.)

Where Are My Keys I Lost My Brain

Do you want to hear a funny story? I'm sure you do. Today I had a Very Important Exam and I forgot a few things at home:

1. a pen

2. the keys to my house

3. my brain

Fortunately I managed to get a pen but not the 2 other things. That's okay because I have tonight to stave off insanity before the next Very Important Exam.

Today I wanted to talk to you about WINTER but I totally forgot everything I wanted to write about a few days ago and haven't been able to remember since. So I'm sorry I have the mental capacity of a fetus. There are so many hipster photos of the desolation of winter on tumblr, you can just go look there.

Anyways, I'm just going to tell you a few things, in a addition to the few things I told you last week.

1. there are 222 unread items in my google reader

2. what should i eat for dinner?

Alright, so there's not much going on in my head that doesn't have to do with school. Look, here's a graph I made about my brain.

I sure hope that that's mathematically accurate as I am one of those people who are mathematically challenged ("I crack jokes now and then, but it's only because I struggle with math" - Tina Fey).

But seriously? The end of this semester is kind of making me sad. See, even though I didn't really like this semester, I really liked this semester. I think I didn't like this semester because I was really sad for half of it. But once things started to pick up, I really enjoyed my classes. Except for the Canadian Law one which makes me want to BLOW MY BRAINS OUT (though I still think it's a really important class to take and therefore am proud of myself for sticking it out and simultaneously disappointed in myself for forgetting s.10 of the Charter on my VIE today). And even though Concordia's library is not as cozy and comfy and beautiful as Dawson's, I've still come to appreciate it for its weird sections and stairs that make me out of breath, even if right now there are too many people and not enough chairs and desks.

Basically I am not ready for this semester to be over (I am kind of ready for exams to be over, though) (I would like to learn things and not have to prove that I've learned them). I am, however, really excited to read things that I want to read and watch movies that I want to watch! So far I have ~2.5 weeks of break to read:

1. Veronica by Mary Gaitskill

2. Inferno by Eileen Myles

3. The Wind-Up Bird Chronicles by Haruki Murakami

and 2.5 weeks of break to watch:

1. the episodes of 30 rock I've missed

2. Last Train Home

3. Trembling Before God

and anything else that might come up.

Also I'm going to England the 22nd of December with possibly no internet which might be the most freeing thing in the world. Not that I don't love you, internet, but sometimes you are just so overwhelming and clingy. I'm coming back though, don't worry.

The Different Kinds of Shoppers at American Eagle

After working at American Eagle for a while, I've come to recognize various types of shoppers. There are many. Most of them suck, but every once in a while someone really fun to serve comes along. Obvs not all people fit into these categories. Most of them do because, newsflash, we're all the same. If you work in retail, or in a walk-in store, you probably know these people.

+The Silent Shopper

This customer doesn't speak English, French, or any known language. When you ask them a question they stare blankly at you. You assume they don't want your help.

+I Don't Need Your Help

These are the people who think they know the store better than you. They don't look at you when you ask if they need help with anything, they just keep walking and say to the air "no, thanks". These people will never make eye-contact with you. They think of you as a silly child and wonder why you're bothering them with questions like "what size are you looking for?" when they're destroying all your hard work looking for a shirt at the bottom of the pile.

+The Teenyboppers

The teenybopper is never alone. Usually they come in groups of 3 to an entire classroom of children. They never buy anything, they just mess up the shirts you just spent an hour folding. They try on 8+ items and then leave them all in the fitting room. Then they stand around and talk and be loud and touch things and leave their candy everywhere.

+"I'm In a Rush"

This customer makes a beeline for the nearest employee. They demand your immediate attention. They are looking for something specific, usually for somebody else because they got the size wrong last time. They want you to find one item in the entire store and they want you to find it now. They're very busy and will tell you so. They also assume that you are not busy even though you're helping someone else. Sometimes this customer will come in 10 minutes before close.

+I'm Looking for Something That Doesn't Exist

There are 2 different types of this kind of customer:

1) They describe something with such precision and claim that it was on the website and yet it is nowhere to be found. Or they want you to search the entire backstore for it.

2) They saw something in American Eagle in a different store than the one you're working at in 2005 and are wondering if you still have it.

+I Want to Try on Everything in the Store

Though this customer is usually friendly and open to suggestions, the downside is that they will literally try on everything you suggest. This is the customer who will spend $500+. They will also take forever and will want new sizes in everything. They want your opinion about two jeans that look exactly the same. Usually it is a family or at least more than one person. Sometimes they will come when you're about to close and stay half an hour after you've already shut the doors.

+The Dudes

Dudes are pretty easy shoppers. They listen to you while you try to describe a pair of jeans they might like even though you're a girl and don't know anything about boy jeans. They try on 1-3 pairs, find one that fits, and buy it. Usually spends about 10-20 minutes in store.

+The Couple

They want to kiss next to the shelf you need to get something down from. They hold hands. One will say "I don't like that colour" and the other won't buy it because they don't have a mind of their own. Either they will keep coming back to the fitting room to try on different things and think it's a really fun date to go shopping together or they will just walk around being annoying and in love without buying anything.

+The Grandmother

Two types of grandmothers:

1) Shopping for her grandchildren. Has no idea what to buy. Will buy pretty much whatever you say is "cool".

2) Shopping for herself. Likes cardigans. Will buy pretty much whatever fits/is comfortable.

+The Space Shopper

This customer is lost in space. They walk in quickly, never stop at a table but look around at everything. Like the "I don't need your help" customer, they don't like eye-contact or help. They never touch anything in the store, do one quick walk around, and leave after 30 seconds. This customer only serves to lower your conversion rate.

+The Angry Mother

Is sometimes combined with "I don't need your help", "I'm in a rush", and "looking for something that doesn't exist". This customer is shopping for her children. She isn't sure what size they are because they are growing. She asks you lots of questions about the promotions and sales. She will interrupt you and try to outsmart you. She wants that 30% discount. She thinks you are stupid and uses "that tone of voice" with you. You know, the reprimanding one. She is impatient at the cash register. She'll also check over her receipt in case you made any mistakes, and when you don't she will glare shiftily at you as if you tried to deceive her in any way. Her look is one of "just because I didn't catch you, doesn't mean you didn't do it".

+The Family

This is a crossover between "I want to try on everything in the store", "I don't need your help", "the grandmother", and sometimes even "the ideal shopper" featured below. They need a lot of different sizes. They crowd the fitting room. They always want your attention. The plus side is that they are willing to spend hundreds of dollars. Can spend over an hour in the store.

+The Ideal Shopper

The ideal shopper can potentially make you love your job. They come in, have an idea of what you want but will let you suggest other things that might interest them, they are polite and smile a lot, they try things on with the intention of buying them, thank you profoundly for your help, feel really good about themselves, and walk away with a new pair of jeans. They are patient when you are looking for a size and they recognize that you may have to help other people at the same time. The ideal shopper is 18+ years of age, and actually wants your help.

The Life and Death of a Mouse: Based on a True Story

a mouse comes out of a hole and scuttles along the wall.

it passes over wires and hugs the space between the couch and the wall.

it smells food in a backpack.

it leaves the room and moves onto the next.

it tries to blend into the floor.

the mouse scurries across the floor,

onto the tile

in the kitchen where P is making breakfast.

he turns around

and screams like a little girl.

the mouse runs under the stove.

A traps the mouse under the stove

using cardboard and wires.

she sprays bug spray under the stove.

later, the mouse is found dead under the stove.

it is still under the stove.

Moxie Fucking CrimeFighter and Pilot Inspektor Are Here to Rescue You

Even though I'm pretty sure I never want to have children, when I read about parents who beat their kids (for the most random things?) I imagine what it would be like if I had kids and that I would probs do a better job. Except I think that's what most people say when they decide to have kids -- they plan to do this and that differently from their own parents and I'm pretty sure no one has kids with the idea that they're going to beat and rape them. I think that craziness develops after. Mostly with unplanned parenthood. The truth is that I would actually be a bad parent because I have no patience and I don't like being responsible for other people.

Anyways. The most important thing about children are their names, obvs. My favorite celebrity child's name is Tallulah Belle [Demi Moore and Bruce Willis]. I mean, the rest are just over the top, like Sage Moon Blood. If I had a kid I would name it Heinz Nectarine Bath Choo. That's for a boy. If I had a girl her name would be Starshine Sprinkle Sprout Choo. Jk. If I had a kid I would name it Ah.

Get it!?!? K.

Dweezil. Moon Unit. MOON UNIT! Moon. Unit. Audio Science. Diezel Ky. Fifi Trixibell. Moxie fucking* CrimeFighter. Pilot Inspektor. Zuma Nesta Rock. Peaches Honeyblossom. Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily. Memphis Eve. Poppy Honey. Seven Sirius.

I'm not just saying random words. These are crazy/retarded/terrible/awesome baby names. Sometimes I wonder how people think of these names or if they purposely want their child to be made fun of every day for 13 years.

--

*not actually part of the name, but it makes it sound so much more badass. Moxie fucking danger crimefighter anyone?

If I Murdered A Senior Citizen Would It Still Be The Same

I had a few ideas for tonight's post, the first being Authority capital A and really just an excuse for me to rip into my boss at whose hands I've had two really crappy days at work because he both infuriated and humiliated me two days in a row. The second being the irony that someone whose friendship I once sought 5 years ago is now requesting my friendship on facebook. The third is that I almost caught the dreaded swine flu.

None of these topics are really suitable for a whole blog post; I don't want to publically ("publically" - who reads this?) bash my boss (though I'm trying really hard not to write some swear words right now nannyfucking motherfucker oops) because it's something private, and while the irony of this facebook request is interesting to me I would probably be so vague about it no one would understand anyway (though I do have the distinct pleasure in saying that I have so far not responded to it...). I don't have anything to say about the swine flu except that I almost thought I almost had it and then I didn't.

Instead I've decided to do a post about things that have almost happened to me or things that I almost did -- which is a bit uncharacteristic considering that I hate dwelling on the past because it only serves to confuse me and I am already very confused (why? I don't know). I actually find it kind of fascinating to think about how different my life would be if things had gone the other way. Fascinating, but if I think about it too much I would probably kill myself because there's no way to find out and that would drive me mad. Unless someone figured out how to time travel, etc., where's Albus Dumbledore? No wait he's dead, like MJ and Farrah Fawcett about whom everyone forgot. Harry Potter the movie is coming out soon. What am I talking about? Oh yeah.

5 Things That Almost Happened To Me But Didn't
(in no real order, numbering is just because I feel like they need to be numbered)

5. I almost didn't make the Dawson hockey team

See, this would've most certainly have changed my first year in CEGEP quite a bit. For one thing, I probably would've been happier but I never would have met up with Katrina in DC. I also probably would never have seen a "councellor" who looks like Sandra Bernhard or that other therapist I saw twice but stopped because she was terrible/TERRIBLE and swallowed weirdly, which you may think trivial but you never met her, so.

4. I almost didn't switch programs in grade 9

The only reason I switched was because my schedule on the first day of grade 9 was so scary and crappy that I didn't want to stay. I probably would have been happier had I not switched programs -- the last 3 years of high school were the worst of my life. However I wouldn't have met That Person Who Moved to Iowa nor that other person whose name I am also too embarassed to put here. I probably wouldn't have felt as alienated, depressed, stupid, confused, or rejected as I did but I guess it's a good thing (what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, y'know, whatever).

3. I almost did something that one night at that one party

zomg life would have been so different wouldn't it. No point in explaining this one; I like to be vague and mysterious, keep people on their toes.... jk.

2. I almost didn't go to New York

I had to work like 15 days in a row so I could go to New York but it was soo worth it. Best decision ever. Canadian border security people thought I was crazy (they're obvs wrong) and searched my bag (#1 is I almost got arrested for smuggling the marijuana over the border. jk again. see? not crazy).

1. I almost murdered a senior citizen at a bank

JK that was Riese Michael Jackson Someone Else. Er... I mean there are lots of other things that Almost Happened but like really, I can't dwell on them/think about them it sucks too much. I could say I Almost Didn't Punch A Hole In My Wall but that would be a lie. Oh I know! When I was little I almost mailed an envelope of about $10 in change (my life's savings) to scholastic so I could be part of the Mary-Kate and Ashley fanclub or whatevs.

Apologies: An Ode to Valerie

Valerie
is Portugese
which's next to Spain
which's where my other wife lives.

But unlike Penelope
Valerie knows my name.

And even though she won't pose for photographs
she is still the prettiest
Duchess of Holland.

And even though she hates math and logic
she is still really good at it.

And even though she has dark hair and skin
she still reminds me
of summer.

I used to think she hated me
but it turns out
she does not. I think.

I imagine myself reading this to her.
I imagine her saying "aww"
but I think
I shouldn't get ahead of myself.

I hope that Valerie visits me in the West Island
and I hope she yells at me
when I step on her shoes.

[This is my public apology to a dear, dear friend of mine
who, might I add, has a very natural beauty
and does not need to wear make up, ever.
let it be known that I read this to Valerie
and she "aww'd" after every pause.
She also thinks it's funny that I started with "Valerie is Portugese".]

Motherfu-Nature

As I was stepping out of my house I saw Tom and I said, "Tom I hate you, go away," but Tom ignored me and came inside so I had to follow him.

"Why are you even here? I don't want your stupid babies," I said.
"You don't have to have my babies, I'm just here to do some cleaning," he said.
"Fine, but hurry up and get out," I said.
"Fine."

But I still felt like I couldn't leave.

"Tom, you're not very dependable. You're never on time; you're always too early or late and it throws me off schedule. And when you're here I feel like I can't be away for long periods of time so I end up sitting in sweatpants and eating all day and it makes me cranky," I said, "and on top of that, you damage the furniture whenever you're here. Tom, you're fired!"
"You can't fire me, I quit!" Tom said.

He paused.
"Just kidding, you can't fire me. We have a contract with Mother Nature. I'm here for another thirty years."

"You're an asshole, Tom," I said.

"Actually I'm more like a vagina."


WHUH-PAH!