some people i know, some things i've seen

click on them

san francisco

katie

old friends, the best kind

jeba

cat

cate

I Want the Ocean Right Now

About 3 months ago I had to choose between going to the University of British Columbia or staying in Montreal and going to Concordia. If you've been reading this you know I've decided to stay in Montreal. Or maybe you just guessed.

Reasons:

1. The program I want is better here.

2. It's cheaper.

3. UBC didn't give me enough time to decide.

4. I still have a love/hate relationship with Montreal and want to learn to love it more.

All in all, one of the main reasons I wanted to go to UBC was because I wanted to move out of my house. Then I realized I could still do that in Montreal, so I chose Concordia and found an apartment for the fall. But there's something really daunting thinking about spending the next 3 winters in this city.

It's probably because I'm sitting here and it's summer and I'm not as busy as I'd like to be that I feel all the feelings I felt that made me want to leave this place in the beginning. I think it's a feeling a lot of people have and sometimes it has nothing to do with geography, just a simple desire to "get out".

I love Montreal most of the time, but goddamnit, I want to see the ocean. I want to be in Seattle or Vancouver or San Francisco and I want to be there now. I would write this off as "cabin fever" or a case of "got-nothing-to-do-this-summer" but I've always had a love affair with the west coast, so. I know it's silly because I idealize these cities but I will never stop until I go there. Which I will, one day.

I don't regret choosing Concordia. I think it's the right choice for me and I'm excited to move out of my house and start something new. But I'm still dreaming of the west coast.

from if you're going to san francisco pt ii

Top 10 Albums I Can't Live Without

I'm doing the music monday today because tomorrow night I'll be at the Tegan and Sara concert. Fo' realz.

10. The Shins - Wincing the Night Away

I picked this even though I can live without the entire album but I can't live without The Shins. I would like to make a 'Best of The Shins' CD and it would include songs from all 3 of their albums. For the record, my favourite Shins song is "Pink Bullets" which is on their album Chutes Too Narrow. Anyways, it took me a while to really like Wincing the Night Away but after 3 years I finally enjoy every song.

Favourite: Australia

9. Iron & Wine - Around the Well

Around the Well is one of those compilation CDs with two discs of previously unreleased stuff. Around the Well features some of my favourite Iron & Wine songs such as "Kingdom of the Animals", "God Made the Automobile", "Carried Home", "The Trapeze Swinger", and Sam Beam's cover of "Such Great Heights", which btw, is my favourite The Postal Service song. So there.

Favourite: Kingdom of the Animals

8. The New Pornographers - Challengers

Challengers is my favourite NP's album because it's the only full album I've heard from them. Rumour has it they're releasing a new album in '10, which is really exciting because I will purchase it and maybe it'll be better than Challengers but that'll be hard because Challengers is a really good album. There isn't a weak song on the entire CD.

Favourite: Adventures in Solitude

7. Tegan and Sara - The Con

Arguably Tegan and Sara's best album, The Con fills me with so many emotions that I'm surprised I don't cry every time I hear it. It comes with a DVD and if you were lucky enough to have friends who would spend $10 on you, then you could have gotten the demo CD as well on their US tour in 2008 (thanks Katrina!). Almost everybody uses Tegan and Sara lyrics as titles for their blog posts because they're so good. Also because they're very relate-able.

Favourite: Back in Your Head

6. Bright Eyes - Noise Floor: Rarities 1998-2005

I can't remember why I decided to buy Noise Floor but it was definitely one of the best decisions ever. The album art is really good, but also the tracks are solid and I'm having a hard time picking a favourite song. My only qualm with Noise Floor is the length, but Bright Eyes always has super long albums anyways.

Depending on my mood, my favourites are: Blue Angels Air Show, Weather Reports, Seashell Tale, or Amy in the White Coat

5. Sarah Mclachlan - Mirrorball

Ever since I discovered Mirrorball way at the back of a shelf in a giant cupboard in the basement, I have not been able to live without it. Seriously guys, Mirrorball is pure gold. If you think Sarah Mclachlan is good on studio albums, wait till you hear her live. Sometimes I have no idea what her songs are about but they make me cry anyway.

Favourite: Sweet Surrender, Angel

4. Tegan and Sara - If It Was You

It's unlikely that many other people would pick If It Was You as one of their favourite T&S albums because So Jealous and The Con are so good, but if I had to pick just

one it would be If It Was You. Firstly, it features one of their best songs "City Girl", and secondly, it includes other fan favourites like "Living Room", "Monday Monday Monday" and "I Hear Noises". Also if you haven't heard "Want to be Bad" performed live in Melbourne, which I tried semi-hard to find on youtube, then you should look it up yourself and listen to it. On top of that, "Underwater" seriously underrated as it is a real Sara gem, as is "Terrible Storm". I bet you haven't listened hard enough to Matt Sharpe's bass at the end of the latter. You know what, you should just go listen to this whole album right now.

Favourite: City Girl

3. Okkervil River - The Stand Ins

I first purchased The Stand Ins in December '08 in California and my life has never been the same since. A couple of weeks later I started this blog and called it "the shoreline receding" which is a line from "Lost Coastlines" which is possibly the best track on the album.

Okkervil River's lyrics and melodies never cease to amaze me, which is why I bought another one of their albums, Black Sheep Boy and just because it's not on this list doesn't mean it's not phenomenal.

Favourite: Lost Coastlines

Runner Ups: Calling and Not Calling my Ex; Bruce Wayne Campbell Interviewed on the Roof of the Chelsea Hotel, 1979

2. Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago

I can't live without this album because I fall asleep to it every night. Yes, every night. I can't explain to you the pleasures of Justin Vernon's out of tune guitar and high pitched voice. Bon Iver is just pure magic, pure fucking magic.

Favourite: re:stacks

1. Death Cab for Cutie - We Have the Facts and We're Voting Yes

We Have the Facts is DCFC's best album, hands down (well, maybe there's room for Transatlanticism). I can't even really explain what makes this album so good -- I think it's the simplicity of it, the crappyish recording, the fact that it sounds like 3 people with 3 instruments and not 28. Plans was good, Narrow Stairs was good, but they will never measure up to We Have the Facts. I wouldn't give this album away for 10 million dollars. Just read the lyrics to "No Joy in Mudville".

Favourite: Company Calls Epilogue

I Forgot My Own Anniversary, Whatever, New York Is Timeless

So for a long time I thought my blogiversary was January 11 but then I actually checked and it was yesterday. I don't want to link to the first 3 months of this blog ever again. I feel like people are going to start going through my archives anyways and that's embarrassing. I know it's really tempting to see what I was doing last January. NOTHING, I WAS DOING NOTHING, STOP LOOKING.

Actually, around this time last year, what I was doing was reading a lot of autowin and it made me want to start my own blog. It's so weird because one year ago we didn't know each other, I just knew her through her writing, and now I'm in her apartment. The internet is magic, I suppose. Also I have a cold and I hate myself for that.

For my six month "blogiversary" I picked my top six favorite posts but I don't feel like doing that now. I have links on the right side of this blog of my favorite posts, so maybe you should just read those. Instead I thought I would make Riese write something because she inspired me to write and also because she's here so that's easy. Also because I can't think of anything to say. Also x2 I know I've been sucking with the writing lately. Sorz. That will change soon.

Emily Choo wants me to write about EMILY CHOO and when I first started writing my blog, the road less traveled, and learning all the time. When I first started writing my blog I was stupid. I'm still stupid, so that's something that hasn't changed since then. The first blog entry I wrote was a top ten list of everything I imagined I might talk about on my blog. I had a livejournal already. I got a blog because a lot of writers had blogs and the girl I was living with had a blog and I thought mine could be better than her's. So I started it for the worst reason anyone could do anything.

My second post was about ElleGirl shutting down and why I loved it. Two ex-editors of ElleGirl emailed me that week to say how much they appreciated my post and felt I really understood their magazine and so I thought OMG THE INTERNET IS MAGIC. I don't know, then things took off w/r/t NYC & Gawker ... I dunno. I feel like I talk about this stuff too much. Honestly I was just drinking & fucking and doing illegal shit for money most days of the week. Nothing to be proud of. Well; honesty.

Emily Choo thinks she wants me to write things about her but it would actually be better if I didn't. That's the real secret. It's better later [emily choo edit: i don't know what she's talking about here, she didn't even finish her sentence] [emily choo edit x2: apparently she did that on purpose]

The point of life is to learn something every day otherwise what's the point. No really what's the point. If anything besides that is the point, I wish I could be like you, it must be so easy.

Oh yeah and 'the road less traveled' is where all the cool kids hang out. We eat jelly beans and say clever things and hold hands just as friends. We eat feelings, we don't bleed, we don't need. The road less traveled is the name of a self-help book my Mom owned, I don't know if she ever read it or where she went.

The point is to do something new

That's what Emily Choo is gonna do

Thank you, Riese. You are not stupid. Also ps I can't get the colours right. They all look ugly.

Anyways, now that I kind of know more about what I want to write here/have some sort of posting schedule, 2010 is obvs going to be a good year for blogging. My goal is to get 1 million hits a day. Jk. Whatever. I started with 1.5 regular readers and now I have like 20 and then some randoms. I think my friends should read this more.

Things I Hate Spending Money On & Other Lists

Things I Hate Spending Money On

1. public transport

2. tampons

Rules of Life

1. Don't be too drunk.

2. Don't cry.

3. It's going to be fine.

4. never try to write somebody else's poetry

6PM Walking Home From School Songs

1. RE: Stacks - Bon Iver

2. The Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice

3. Here I Dreamt I Was An Architect - The Decemberists

4. Twilight - Elliott Smith

5. Sunset Soon Forgotten - Iron & Wine

6. Lost Coastlines - Okkervil River

4AM Walking Home From the Bus

Stop Drunk Songs

1. RE: Stacks - Bon Iver

2. Lua - Bright Eyes

3. Bird Stealing Bread - Iron & Wine

4. On My Way Back Home Again - Jim Ward

5. Adventures in Solitude - The New Pornographers

The Only Consistent Things In My Life

1. the stuffed animals on my bed

2. paper

6AM Getting Ready for School Songs

1. Northshore - Tegan and Sara

2. Thieves and Their Hands - Rachael Cantu

3. This Charming Man - The Smiths

4. Bad Romance - Lady Gaga

5. Greater Omaha - Desaparecidos

Those Stupid Songs That Make Me Sad

1. Left and Leaving - The Weakerthans

2. Back In Your Head (demo) - Tegan and Sara

3. City Girl (yellowknife version) - Tegan and Sara

4. Tonight - Stars

5. Angel - Sarah McLachlan

6. A Better Son/Daughter - Rilo K

iley

7. Vera - Pink Floyd

8. Upward Over the Mountain - Iron & Wine

9. Company Calls Epilogue - Death Cab For Cutie

10. Saturday As Usual - Bright Eyes

Reasons Why I Think You Should Call Me

1. multi-talented

2. ability to empathize

3. i'm actually an okay person

4. i can slip into a semi-comatose state while standing on a bus

Reasons Why I Think You Won't Call Me

1. you're not paying attention

2. i say strange things

Favorite Places I've Traveled To

1. San Francisco

2. New York City

3. Stockholm

4. some place in the French countryside

5. #smallearth

To-Do

1. write essays

2. read books

3. find love or a substitute of some kind

Things Love Is

1. a disease

2. the cure

3. the best sensation hiding in the lion's mane

4. blind

5. a smoke raised with the fumes of sighs

6. a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes

7. a sea nourished with lovers' tears

8. a madness most discreet

9. a choking gall and a preserving sweet

10. all you need

(first picture via autostraddle)

(second picture via cole rise)

And In Short, I Was Afraid

But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
though I have seen my head [grow slightly bald] brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet -- and here's no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
and I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
and in short, I was afraid.

T.S Eliot - "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"

++

I have a fear of bikes. Really. I'm afraid of going too fast, afraid of losing control, afraid of getting hurt. I'm afraid of getting my pants stuck in the gears. I'm afraid of the gears ripping a hole in my leg.

It might be because of that time I hurtled full speed down the steepest hill my 6 year old eyes had ever seen and flipped over the handlebars. My aunt decided to walk her bike down but my cousin rode down so I did too. I just followed people in those days. I rode right into a pile of rocks and forgot what brakes were for.

I don't want to get hurt. Hurt, (how could you have forgotten?) hurts. I don't want to die.

++

I'm also afraid of horses, which is really stupid considering I went to horseback riding camp for two years. I followed my cousin there too.

It's not just that, though. I'm afraid of drowning. I like the air, I like the ground, and I like both to be readily available. Maybe it started in Mexico when I followed my cousins into the ocean and was gasping for breath, for control of something -- the water, the ground, my limbs maybe, -- something that would get me out of there. I discovered the ocean is beautiful from the shoreline.

I'm afraid of driving too fast. I don't even drive. It's not even the accident potential, it's the I'm-afraid-the-car-is-going-to-blow-up feeling, which is less likely to happen than an accident. I have no control. When I was little I never liked when my dad twisted and swerved. As the highway whizzed by I quietly imagined car crashes in the backseat.

I guess it goes without saying that I'm afraid of airplanes too. I don't want to crash in the ocean. I don't even think I'd make it to the ocean, let alone the emergency exit. I'm afraid of the oxygen masks the lady in the video so calmly puts on, like the last seconds of her life aren't just ticking away. I like my own air. I like my feet on the ground. Real ground.

Maybe it started some eight years ago, when I suddenly realized I was about to fly over the ocean in a giant piece of metal. I was going to England with my grandmother and I was about to say goodbye to my dad. Maybe it was because I was afraid to leave, or maybe I was seized with a panic and certainty that we were going to crash. I refused to even go to the boarding gate. My grandmother cried, she thought I didn't want to go with her. And right then, I was afraid to tell the truth.

I can't control anything on a plane. Turbulence practically makes my heart stop. I don't want my last meal to be plastic chicken. I don't want to die in a place where no one outside the plane can reach me. I don't want to die in no man's land. I don't want to die. And I don't want to survive on a plank of wood because I don't want to be eaten by sharks and I don't want to die of starvation, 'cause then I'll really wish I'd eaten the plastic chicken. I don't want my last meal to be plastic chicken.

I don't want to nosedive into the ground. If it wasn't clear, I'm also afraid of roller coasters.

Other things I am afraid of: Jumping too high on the trampoline, skiing down double black diamonds, skiing, cancer, hospitals, not recording everything because I am afraid of forgetting.

What it comes down to is this: I'm afraid of pain, and I'm afraid of dying because I'm not ready to go. Hurt hurts. Every single one of my fears is based on dying.

But more than that, I've been afraid to live. This is something I've known for a long time. I've felt it, as people moved faster than me in other directions, and I stood there because I'm too scared to move. This is something I've struggled with; how do people do it? How come my cousin went down the hill without a scratch? How come everybody I know likes to drive fast?

I'm afraid of the physical things and the mental things. I'm afraid of knowing things and not knowing things. I'm afraid I'm doing it all wrong.

And would it have been worth it, after all,
would it have been worth while,
after the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
after the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor --
and this, and so much more? --

T.S Eliot - "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"

++

It was Christmas 2008. The first time I had ever spent Christmas somewhere without snow.

I don't know why, but I'd just had the urge to go to California. I missed the weather, the clouds and the rolling fog, the ocean from from a safe distance, the big houses, the other world. I missed San Francisco, which felt safe, and Berkeley, which felt cool and homely.

It was fun to watch people walk down the street wrapped up in their jackets and hats and earmuffs in 11 degree weather. Somewhere north of the border there was a snowstorm happening.

I loved the decorations on the houses. Outside it looked like spring, and yet, there was santa on a roof. There were reindeer in the yard. It's weird to imagine Christmas with no snow but I loved that crisp feeling in the air. I loved the smell of Berkeley, the shops, the streets, the laughter. I loved my aunt's house, the sheets, the cat, breakfast in the morning. The colours of the flower petals were more vibrant, the food more organic. Yes, everything there is good, good, good. I felt good.

But it turns out there are scary things in Berkeley too. More things I'm scared of, like people. Also, there's me. Sometimes I'm scared to know who I really am. Sometimes I'm scared that someone might see me. You know, really see me.

There are also bikes in Berkeley.

And hills. Big hills.

Do I dare
disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
for decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

T.S Eliot - "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"

We decided to go for a bike ride on Christmas morning. I'm afraid of bikes. I used the smallest one, which even then was too big. I tried not to be afraid, but it's hard when you're afraid of everything.

Going for a bike ride up a hill with my family? The irony wasn't lost on me. I'm afraid of getting hit by a car.

The top of the hill was beautiful. I could see the whole city. I could see the clouds and the rolling fog, the houses with lights and decorations. I could see forests of trees which seemed to be greener than any I'd ever seen at home.

The only way back was down, down, down. My cousin began his descent easily, breezily. Even my aunt went ahead of me, experienced and steady. I started after them, slowly. I guess I still follow people. My cousin was way ahead. Occasionally I could see the back of my aunt's windbreaker, puffed up with the wind, at the corner of a turn. My hands were gripping the handlebars tightly, my stomach was tense. My fingers were holding the brakes halfway, ready to do the full squeeze at any time.

The thing about going downhill is that you don't need to pedal. Gravity will take care of everything. I don't really want gravity to be in control, I want to decide how fast or slow I go. The thing with gravity is you don't have a choice. No one does.

My cousin made it look easy, riding down a mountain. Everyone makes it seem that way. I remembered that last time I followed a cousin down a mountain on my bike.

But I was already going down. My aunt and my cousin were getting further and further ahead of me. And then it just clicked. I was in San Francisco. It was 11 degrees. It was Christmas. I was outside, I was alive, I was in love with the big scary world. Maybe there was something waiting for me at the bottom, maybe there wasn't. It didn't really matter. I loosened my fingers on the brakes. I let go.

There is something very freeing about flying down a mountain when you don't want to. The colours blur together, the air fills your lungs, the ground disappears --

There was nothing at the bottom. The road continued as it does, as they all do. I crossed it and went home.

The truth is that I'm still afraid. This could be one of those stories where my life changes for the better when I finally let go of my fears. But it's not. I went back to Montreal and stayed the same, for the most part. But that's not the point. The point is that I did it. I left Prufrock at the top of the hill. For a glorious half hour I sailed through life. I opened my heart and touched the sky.

Let us go then, you and I,
when the evening is spread out against the sky...

oh, do not ask "what is it?"
let us go and make our visit.

T.S Eliot - "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"

There Was a Terrible Storm and You Were Wearing All Our Coats

Ever since I got this iPhone that has a weather application I've been obsessively checking the weather reports not only in Montreal but also in New York, Vancouver, San Francisco, Barcelona, Sydney, Rome, London, Tokyo, and Paris. I have no idea if any of it is accurate (it's yahoo!...) but I like to compare everyone elses better weather to ours. Except for Tokyo, I think God's trying to smote them.


Just so we're clear, those are all little clouds with lightening bolts coming out of them. Tokyo has looked like that all summer, they have the worst weather ever. I feel like Yahoo is making it up. They also make up the Montreal weather because it always says rainy or cloudy but lately it's just been a million degrees.

Anyways, in comparison, Rome is a ball of fucking sunshine.


Do I need to explain the round yellow balls? I'd just like to point out that Barcelona, San Fran, and Vancouver look exactly the same. Montreal? Looks like this:

Rain and thundershowers, basically.

Also apparently the Philippines have been having bad weather too. According to Katrina Chicklet, who is there, "omg we've been having like fucking flooding every day. Flooding like seep into the car, waves crash against curbs flooding.

Flooding like children swim in it."

Another reason I've been checking the weather all the time is because if it rains (like legit rain, not drizzling) I don't have to go outside and work! I can stay in my chalet and read a book! And it also means that my boss probably won't go outside either, even if it's just to drive his truck.

And that's the weather report. I'm not sorry I'm really boring! Take that!

Other Books I'm Reading

Okay, last time I read three books and was in the middle of reading the second Redwall book, Mossflower. Since then I've finished it, read the next one, Mattimeo, and then read three more books. That makes a total of 8 books (see? I can count). If anyone would like to suggest something to read, that's nice, put it in the comments and I'll add it to my list.


The Life of Pi by Yann Martel

My dad bought The Life of Pi for $2 at a garage sale. This is a book that won a very prestigious award (which means nothing to me) and other things, rave reviews, blah blah, and claims that it may make me believe in God. Doubtful of that I read it anyway hoping to be entertained for a bit. It made me lose a couple hours of sleep during the middle of the book when I absolutely couldn't put it down, but the beginning was a bit long and uneventful and I found the end disappointing. Overall it was a good story but yeah, that's it. And even though I have weird/mixed feelings towards God, it did not make me believe in him I don't know why someone would claim that.



On the Road by Jack Kerouac

This book made me feel high. Like I physically felt like I was on drugs when I read this. Some of my friends have said they only want to read On the Road when they go on a roadtrip. Obviously I didn't do that. I like the idea of re-reading it if I ever go across the country -- one of my favorite things about books is that reading it a second time is always different than the first. I'll probably be in a different place (metaphorically and physically) when I read this a second time and I can't wait to see what new meanings it will hold, because this book has a lot of meanings and secrets waiting to be found in its pages.

"I could hear an indescribable seething roar which wasn't in my ear but was everywhere and had nothing to do with sounds. I realized that I had died and been reborn numberless times but just didn't remember especially because the transitions from life to death and back to life are so ghostly easy, a magical action for naught, like falling asleep and waking up again a million times, the utter casualness and deep ignorance of it."


The Well of Loneliness by Radclyffe Hall

If you didn't gather from the title, this book is fucking depressing. It's at times long and brutally honest. It also provided comfort and made me angry, made me weep, made me shameful but also proud, it evoked a self-pity but also pity for the world which can be so horrible, and it humbled me. I can't explain it in any other way except to say that this book made me feel.

"Our love may be faithful even unto death and beyond -- yet the world will call it unclean. We may harm no living creature by our love; we may grow more perfect in understanding and in charity because of our loving; but all this will not save you from the scourge of a world that will turn its eyes from your noblest actions, finding only corruption and vileness in you.

Because there is only toleration for the so-called normal. And when you come to me for protection, I shall say: "I cannot protect you, the world has deprived me of my right to protect; I am utterly helpless, I can only love you."

San Francisco Part IV - in Black and White

Continuation of some of my faves from SF..

Coit Tower at night

downtown SF

Lady making focaccia

Boarding a street car

The rest from this roll are here.

"When they call it a lover's moon
the satellite
'Cause it acts just like lovers do
the satellite
The burned out world you know
staying up all night
the satellite"
- Elliott Smith "Satellite"

San Francisco Part III - The World in Black and White

I have to say the black and white photos from my trip are my favorite. These are my favorites from among the favorites.



Amoeba record store in Berkeley. Really, really cool place.


Street music..

Dangly things they sell at sidewalk sales

Campus access information at the University of Berkeley..

Couple - waiting in line to get to Alcatraz..


Cells at Alcatraz

The rest from this roll are up on flickr. Tomorrow is part IV!

"I remember on the sidewalk when I bike up to the hills
You singing in the headphones as I told you that I will
That song again in the alleyway takes me to my door
I'll be back for more.
I'm 14 forever so don't leave me alone."
- Stars "14 Forever"

If You're Going To San Francisco Part II

In preparation for

the final twist
we often document
the soon-to-be past
in hopes that we
will not be forgottenin the future.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The following were taken by my cousin Nick:

There are more, bigger and better quality, if you're interested drop me a line and I'll send them to you.

"I'm alive,
but a different kind of alive
than the way I used to be."
- Okkervil River "Starry Stairs"