"In a spirit of mutinous resistance, she climbed the seep grassy slope to the bridge, and when she stood on the driveway, she decided she would stay there and wait until something significant happened to her. This was the challenge she was putting to existence -- she would not stir, not for dinner, not even for her mother calling her in. She would simply wait on the bridge, calm and obstinate, until events, real events, not her own fantasies, rose to her challenge, and dispelled her insignificance."
- Atonement by Ian McEwan
"I'm going to sit here until I feel my soul."
- Matthew Rohrer "MK Ultra"
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I'm going to sit here until I feel my soul, and then when I feel it I have no idea what I'm going to do. I'm going to sit here and feel apart from my body, feel like I'm two different entities. I can't organize myself.
There wasn't a time when it was easy. If you knew me four years ago you would have known me as angry.
Dear [redacted],
I said I would never write to you again, but here I am. You went away, but you never really went away, if you know what I mean. I used to know you, you used to think you knew me. In my sick, sick way I pulled you in, made you "mine". I thought I wanted you but what I really wanted was for you to have me.
I said that you were me, but in the future. I said if I wasn't so sad I would be just like you. Am I like you now? It's been four years. Who am I now? Am I you?
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This post began with me trying to say that I used to be really angry when I was 16, but now I'm never angry and it's weird because I'm happy? with a question mark. Then I erased everything and wrote a letter that doesn't make sense. Now I'm listening to a playlist called "Window Blues".
Anyways, the point is that I used to hate everyone and everything because the world was mean. But then things happen, and it's a long story, you might as well read every blog entry I've ever written because that is when things "happened", I mean, this is when I changed. Not because of this blog, but this blog happened to exist when I lived. I don't hate anyone or anything. I still get mad at the STM but I don't get mad at people, rarely, I mean sometimes I still snap at people because I'm human and I get irritated, but I'm not angry, I'm not holding grudges. I feel like I can properly adjust to crisises which is a word I can't spell but I'm not mad about it.
I think I just get sad when other people might get mad. Instead I take it personally, like, if the government is mean I want to cry and sometimes I do, and it hurts me as if they said it to my face. That was just an example because I can't think of anything real right now.
Being positive is really hard, but it's all in your head. I had a therapist who got pregnant and left me but she taught me that it's all in my head and I can be happy if I want to, and I do.
I can't be around srs negativity because it's like a relapse. It makes me feel like I'm 16. It makes me want to write letters to [redacted] and that's dumb because I'm smarter now. I think.
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"The people we love could never crawl inside of us, even if they wanted to... happy's up to you."
Kind of Like Spitting - "Happy?"
3 comments:
I feel angry but I try not to now because it's a waste of time. I get mad at things but not people mostly. Mostly. It's hard though.
I came across your blog on Autostraddle, and I dig everything you write about.
lucia: it is a waste of time. sometimes i think i don't get angry because i'm numb or i don't care and that also scares me. i get mad at the public transit system and i feel like that is a legitimate thing to get mad at so i feel better.
jesse lauren: thank you so much. i hope you keep reading, but more importantly i hope you keep reading autostraddle because it's going to change the world and you want to be part of that.
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