A "Critical Review" & "Analysis" of the Month of March

I had great expectations for March. February sucked as much as anything could possibly suck, and March to me equaled spring, hope, light, flowers, happiness, sunshine, rainbows, unicorns, freedom, etc. It was kind of disappointing mostly because of my impossible expectations, but I've decided that overall, March was okay. Just okay. Like it could have been worse.

Essentially very little happened in March that was significant besides a fun trip to Philadelphia/NYC. I read two books or maybe 3 or 4, I don't even know. I had 3 shifts at work. I found something new in an old friend and I don't know what to do with it. I pretended I didn't have any school work to do. I bought new jeans. I had several serious moments of anxiety/panic that I would never be able to sustain long-term relationships with other people and thought it would be best to run away to a cabin by the sea, but those are feelings that are not unique to March. Also, though, I realized that I have a brain and can therefore handle the scary things it takes to be a grown up. I'm convinced I have post-menstrual syndrome, something I made up that has the same symptoms of pre-menstrual syndrome only it's after you get your period. Apparently this is just called "being moody", a theory which I reject. I got accepted into a university where, if I attend, I will graduate with a degree in something useless, but something useless that I am moderately good at. So there's that.

I have mixed feelings about April. On the plus side, according to this ovulation calculator, starting tomorrow I'm very fertile till April 6th. Also on the plus side, I'm expecting the weather to be EXCELLENT. And by "expecting" I mean "demanding". This weekend is supposed to be around 20-25 degrees so that's a good start. Unfortunately I'll probs be inside tackling the massive amount of work I've left myself with.

In conclusion, I'm happy to be done with March if only because it means we're one month closer to summer. Is it May 14 yet? (that's when my summer officially starts)

Also, word on the street is that something exciting is happening at autostraddle tomorrow, so you probs want to make sure you check that out.

Metal Heart, You're Not Worth a Thing

[cat power - metal heart]

I once was lost but now I'm found, was blind but now I see you.

i'll only ever be a middle distance runner

cold air makes your lungs expand. cold air clears your nose. running in the cold is easier because your lungs are open. i ran home one day in the middle of winter from the bus stop. it was a 45 minute - 1hr run and i didn't stop once. i was surprised at my endurance. i felt like i hadn't moved in months but magically i could still run for an hour. it was probably because it was freezing outside and if i stopped i would die. my ankles were blue when i got home. i crawled into bed and wore 3 sweaters and under armour and a hat and a jacket. it was a stupid idea, running home. i just didn't want to wake up my dad.

it's easier to run in the cold. the cold invites me to run. i ran home tonight, but only a short distance. i took a short cut through a patch of grass and it reminded me of the summer, when i walked that short cut to work every day. contrast night and day. day night. night. a part of me wanted to stand there and look at the stars. i took a picture of the moon with a disposable camera. i don't think the picture will turn out as anything.

i would post a map of the distance i originally ran, but i don't want people to know where i live.

Simple Things Can Make You Happy if You Let Them

"In a spirit of mutinous resistance, she climbed the seep grassy slope to the bridge, and when she stood on the driveway, she decided she would stay there and wait until something significant happened to her. This was the challenge she was putting to existence -- she would not stir, not for dinner, not even for her mother calling her in. She would simply wait on the bridge, calm and obstinate, until events, real events, not her own fantasies, rose to her challenge, and dispelled her insignificance."

- Atonement by Ian McEwan

"I'm going to sit here until I feel my soul."

- Matthew Rohrer "MK Ultra"

++

I'm going to sit here until I feel my soul, and then when I feel it I have no idea what I'm going to do. I'm going to sit here and feel apart from my body, feel like I'm two different entities. I can't organize myself.

There wasn't a time when it was easy. If you knew me four years ago you would have known me as angry.

Dear [redacted],

I said I would never write to you again, but here I am. You went away, but you never really went away, if you know what I mean. I used to know you, you used to think you knew me. In my sick, sick way I pulled you in, made you "mine". I thought I wanted you but what I really wanted was for you to have me.

I said that you were me, but in the future. I said if I wasn't so sad I would be just like you. Am I like you now? It's been four years. Who am I now? Am I you?

++

This post began with me trying to say that I used to be really angry when I was 16, but now I'm never angry and it's weird because I'm happy? with a question mark. Then I erased everything and wrote a letter that doesn't make sense. Now I'm listening to a playlist called "Window Blues".

Anyways, the point is that I used to hate everyone and everything because the world was mean. But then things happen, and it's a long story, you might as well read every blog entry I've ever written because that is when things "happened", I mean, this is when I changed. Not because of this blog, but this blog happened to exist when I lived. I don't hate anyone or anything. I still get mad at the STM but I don't get mad at people, rarely, I mean sometimes I still snap at people because I'm human and I get irritated, but I'm not angry, I'm not holding grudges. I feel like I can properly adjust to crisises which is a word I can't spell but I'm not mad about it.

I think I just get sad when other people might get mad. Instead I take it personally, like, if the government is mean I want to cry and sometimes I do, and it hurts me as if they said it to my face. That was just an example because I can't think of anything real right now.

Being positive is really hard, but it's all in your head. I had a therapist who got pregnant and left me but she taught me that it's all in my head and I can be happy if I want to, and I do.

I can't be around srs negativity because it's like a relapse. It makes me feel like I'm 16. It makes me want to write letters to [redacted] and that's dumb because I'm smarter now. I think.

++

"The people we love could never crawl inside of us, even if they wanted to... happy's up to you."

Kind of Like Spitting - "Happy?"

it's hard to find it when you knew it

[bon iver - re:stacks]

this song used to remind me of being drunk at 3am on st. laurent. it used to remind me of a skinny bitch who wound my heart in circles. it reminded me of the top of the mountain, of walking home alone in the morning and feeling like nothing. just feeling nothing but [there is no ending to this sentence]

everything that happens is from now on.

okay, so what, i cried on the way home. maybe it was because i was thinking of the rejection letter sitting in my inbox, or maybe it was because the lady who stamped my ticket at penn station was mean. maybe it was because i hate penn station. it was probably because i had my period but it was also because my heart was unwinding slowly and falling loosely at the sides. i’m sorry it’s the most useless thing in the world.

now this song makes me think of sitting on the kitchen floor with a can of pabst blue ribbon and a bottle of gin, singing to a girl because she listened.

this is pouring rain,
this is paralyzed.

my own resolution was to stop being so afraid of having what i want. it wasn’t a new year’s resolution, it was a life’s resolution; to live with no regrets because i had to at least try to achieve everything i wanted and stop being so damn scared of everything. but i’m always so terrified of moving because then the earth might move with me. everyone else is terrified but i don’t know of what. i thought too much about it, was too much like prufrock to follow up when she lay down next to me in the sun. now our feet won’t touch the ground and it’s a big scary leap. it’s too much for me to lean over two inches and kiss you on the mouth. i felt stupid, thinking of all the people who might do it better than me.

you were right, you were right about everything. the best parts are the ones that can’t be talked about. i can’t explain it to anyone. you have no idea what you do to me.

the fountain in the front yard is rusted out

all my love was down

in a frozen ground.

++

the first time i left new york the world seemed so big. penn station loomed above me as i stepped out of the cab, fearful and exhausted. the morning seemed wet and dry; everybody knew where they were going and i trudged down the stairs, down to my doom, the 11 hour train ride away from the iconic days of summer 2009. a mark on the calendar for everyone.

my eyes were open those few days. my mouth was open too, with laughter and wine. other things happened that i’ve already written down, memorized too well. i can’t talk about them. i can talk about them. i didn’t know [redacted] at that time. i just thought i did so i let her and i let myself go. i was surprised by her move. i can’t talk about it.

time, later; months. outside with itchy lips. i wanted to but it physically hurt. i can’t talk about it. itchy lips. we discussed instead.

++

time, later; now. wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday; in arms but not the kind that kill you, just the kind that wound and invoke heartache. i said i wish i had kissed you in the kitchen. i wish i had kissed you on the roof. i wished i had kissed you on the floor in the sun. i wish i had kissed you when you said “everything” and i wish i had kissed you everywhere.

the wait/weight is really quite too much, it's really very perfect it felt long but that's how it was different from every other time with every other person. it was really quite too much and now i know why you said "everything" because sometimes it really just feels like "everything".

it was just different because it meant something. because i waited, because you waited, till there was no other option but to ignite fireworks, finally, and fear and trembling at your touch.

that was it, you totally had me, you can have all of me.

this is not the sound of a new man

or a crispy realization.

it's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away

your love will be

safe with me.

Today Laura Picks a Song for You

[nada surf - your legs grow]

this came on the other day and i was like "hey!" because i finally got what he was talking about when he says "it's cold but not that deep, 'cause your legs grow."

i was thinking about how i used to be sad all the time and i thought that made my feelings profound, but then i grew up a little and realized that i could think big things and be happy too.

maybe that's not even what he meant when he sang it, but that's what i think.

truth is stranger than fiction

hello friends!

it is the late afternoon/early evening of friday the 12th of march and i am having a really weird moment. for one, i am using my old pc laptop. it is very strange. i keep making typos. also it is very loud and i keep pressing "alt" instead of "command" because the "command" button is somewhere else. and i keep trying to use two fingers to scroll. i can't do anything on this computer! on an unrelated note, i'm also cold. which reminds me that i made tea 30 minutes ago and it is also probably cold.

the universe has been doing some really weird things to me lately. the past 3 days i've had these creepy bordering on nightmareish dreams. one of my dreams was that a bunch of hairy wrestler men in spandex were chasing me out of a gay carnival. another one was that a plane crashed into the building next to me and set everything on fire, but that was okay because i was in a pool and therefore didn't die (?!?). i can't remember the third one but i know it was creepy because i woke up thinking what the hell is happening around here.

i've also decided that i'm going to start writing down my dreams and turning them into stories. sometimes i have dreams with cool people in them, like once i was on a ship with kate winslet and rose mcgowan (titanic??), once i had sex with brad pitt on a tropical island, and once john krasinski hugged me. imagine if those were real?

a few days ago i had a 'where is my mother' panic attack and had to mourn the loss of my childhood for the 98,000th time. i wrote a poem about it but i don't want to share it with you.

and now, just a few minutes ago, facebook decided to finally do what it's promised to do since it started.

by that i mean on the right hand side of my home page, facebook made a "friend suggestion" that i totally wasn't expecting and actually probably hoped to never see. i would not have actively searched for this person, ever. usually the "friend suggestions" i get are people from high school who have 37 mutual friends that i never speak to either.

what kills me is the person's profile picture is a picture i took four years ago. really, papi? i wonder if i'm popping up on her friend suggestions.

the first thing i did is wonder if i should friend request her. 5 seconds later i decided that would be crazy times, a decision that might be reversed if i ever get drunk enough near a computer.

the second thing i did was edit my profile. i realize that is completely unnecessary (omg i just spelled that 'unnessecary' what is wrong with me?!) and i don't know why i thought it was a precaution i had to take. maybe i'm prophesying (i also spelled that wrong mostly because i was just guessing that it was a word) being drunk near a computer? after that i checked to make sure my privacy settings are so that no one who isn't my friend can see the edits i just made to my facebook page. i know what you're thinking. jk i don't. but i know what i'm thinking, and what i'm thinking is that sometimes i'm kind of crazy and obsessive and also a huge time waster.

this probably happens to a lot of people, i'm guessing. we're all kind of the same like that. i tried to evaluate my life from this other person's eyes, this person who hasn't seen me in 4 years and then i wanted to make everything look pretty and neat in case they cared. also it's like when you know someone's looking at you, you start to act differently. you become conscious of your actions. it's strange, because she's not reading this or "looking" at me, but it feels like it. maybe because suddenly i'm looking at her? or just crazy.

anyways, what's really important besides my dumbass life crisisesess is that i'm going to philadelphia to visit laura tomorrow! then we are going to nyc to visit autostraddle headquarters. it's going to be good times.

in sadder news, the tv downstairs is broken. this sucks because it is the tv attached to the cable thing so all the good channels are downstairs. also my wii is connected to that tv. so now i will never finish call of duty! unless i bring the wii upstairs.

en tout cas, spring break, fuck yeah! watch lady gaga's 'telephone' video. so fucking good. it might even be better than bad romance, and that's saying something.

lemon, out!

The Life and Death of a Mouse: Based on a True Story

a mouse comes out of a hole and scuttles along the wall.

it passes over wires and hugs the space between the couch and the wall.

it smells food in a backpack.

it leaves the room and moves onto the next.

it tries to blend into the floor.

the mouse scurries across the floor,

onto the tile

in the kitchen where P is making breakfast.

he turns around

and screams like a little girl.

the mouse runs under the stove.

A traps the mouse under the stove

using cardboard and wires.

she sprays bug spray under the stove.

later, the mouse is found dead under the stove.

it is still under the stove.

Josie's On A Vacation Far Away

[the outfields - your love]

the reason I'm bringing back this song (well probs not personally bringing it back) is because on the playlist at work there is a cover of "your love" so it's been in my head.

also because apparently once alex made riese a mix tape with this song and the lyrics "i just like my girls a little bit older" which i think is really cute. this might not be exactly true but i'm too lazy to search through all of riese's tweets.

i discovered this song through tegan and sara's cover of "I ran (so far away)" when at the beginning Sara starts singing "your love" except she can only get through "josie's on a vaca--".

so to recap: i love alex, riese, tegan, sara, music.

The One Where I Have Feelings About "The Marriage Ref"

Due to a recent obsession with Tina Fey and through word of mouth (read: twitter), I have come to hear about a show called "The Marriage Ref". Without ever watching this show, I could tell you that IT IS THE WORST SHOW EVER. WTF.

If you don't know what The Marriage Ref is all about, let me tell you: there is a "referee". There is a married couple. There are 3 judges -- two guests, one Jerry Seinfeld, creator of this monstrosity. The married couple have a fight. The guest judges debate the issue. The "referee" makes a call. Someone wins something. No, just kidding, this is a show where humanity loses.

I tried to think of reasons why someone as smart as Tina Fey would agree to be part of shit like this. My opinion? Seinfeld was once on Tina Fey's show 30 Rock. Now she's returning the favour. Plus, they're both with NBC. Maybe this isn't why she did it but I'm going to pretend it is because it would hurt me if Tina actually wanted to be on The Marriage Ref. Like I would be personally hurt. Kind of like when Penelope Cruz signed the petition to let Roman Polanski off for rape. Really, Penelope? Whyyyyyyyyy

The Marriage Ref doesn't do anything helpful for anybody (the issue isn't even resolved at the end). In fact, what it does is reinforce gender stereotypes and showcase failing marriages at a time when people like Maggie Gallagher are trying to tell us that "marriage is a sacred institution".

[While we're on the topic of marriage, I'm on a rampage because I've been reading "opposing viewpoints" on homosexuality for my moral issues in law class, and some of that stuff is so infuriating. Burman Skrable argues that the sexual revolution has allowed it so that people have sex for pleasure instead of just procreation and that now marriage is not all about having children when really it should be. I have a few things to say: a) we let old people get married. b) we let infertile/impotent people get married. c) we let people who don't want to have children get married. d) we are overpopulated. Estimates are that in 50 years we will have over 9 billion people on this planet and we cannot sustain that many people. Also, I feel like Burman Skrable a) never gets laid or b) if he gets laid he hates it because his homophobia is probably just repressed homosexuality.]

I really didn't want to watch The Marriage Ref. I'm actually mad that Tina Fey did this to me. And though I planned to watch it and never tell anyone ever, I was actually SO MAD that I had to write this blog post and therefore admit that I spent 42 minutes wanting to stab myself in the eyes. Just to see Tina Fey, hoping that maybe, maaaybe it wasn't as bad as it sounded. No, it was the worst thing ever. I would rather spend the rest of my life watching Ghost World than see 5 seconds of The Marriage Ref [I hated Ghost World]. But, watching it gives me the authority to judge it. I watched it so you don't have to! You're welcome!

See, it was 4 couples. The first couple were arguing because the husband liked to get manicures and pedicures and shave his chest and generally be clean or something. The wife didn't like that. BORING STUPID STAB STAB STAB. Wives should have a lease, like cars! You should be able to return them after a certain amount of time! Hahahahahaha! And Seinfeld was like "metrosexual, what is that, like, a third gender?" STAB STAB STAB MYSELF IN THE EARS. Gender does not equal sex. Gender does not equal sex. Gender does not equal sex. There are a lot of different genders. Like a lot.

Also; Tom Papa whatever the fuck his name is -- not funny. Worst host ever.

The second couple made me the most angry. The wife bought a diy porch and the husband couldn't put it together and that made her mad so she was like, you're a man you should be hardwired to build things and put porches together

Are you serious, woman? I suppose she also wants to put on her apron and stay in the kitchen and bear children and get rid of her right to vote? Does she leave the house without her husband's permission? stab stab stab stab

Oh hello 21st century, I did not see you there.

Third couple -- the woman flosses in bed. OMG I DON'T EVEN CARE SHOOT ME IN THE FUCKING FACE

Fourth couple -- he takes off his wedding ring to play basketball. He sucks at basketball. Tina Fey says she can take him one on one. I say I will take Tina Fey one on one but not at basketball.

This show looks like it's scripted. The arguments look fake. The arguments are fucking stupid. These couples look like they're not even communicating with each other. Why can't the woman help her husband build the porch? She can't read? She doesn't have arms? I almost recapped this episode except I couldn't bring myself to watch it twice. I can't even bring myself to go back to check if my quotes are right.

What is the point of this show? It doesn't offer solutions to fighting couples, it's just supposed to make us laugh because some woman flosses in bed and some man likes to get his eyebrows waxed. It's not funny. I wanted to kill myself. The Hills is better than this show.

I can't believe this is the "sacred institution" they call marriage. Can we please get rid of this show, and let gays marry? thanks.

Also, Tina Fey -- so beautiful. Worth 42 minutes of permanent cringing face. Howevs, NEVER AGAIN. EVER.

money diary

in February i started a little project where i write down in a moleskin that cost me $3.3333etc how much money i spent and what i spent it on.

example:

feb. 1 2010

french vanilla - $1.65

feb. 3 2010

the return of the soldier - $16.80 (book)

feb. 4 2010

cajun chicken sandwich - $5

tampons - $6.76

french vanilla - $1.57

etc.

i'd say that i probably spent most of my money in february on french vanillas or food. actually i'm guessing that like 90% of my money was spent on food. the other 10% was tampons, which i hate buying, the february bus pass, which i also hate buying, a cab ride, books, a 50 cent library fee, and the mailing of the dawson transcript to the university of british columbia.

also my dad paid for university applications so that doesn't really count.

in total in february i spent $170.29 which is more than i made. so far, in one half of february i have made $37 which i already spent on my march bus pass. i'm still waiting for the second half of my february paycheck, which is probs gonna be like 5 dollas. jk that's less than minimum wage.

anyways, the point of starting the money diary was so that i would see what i was buying and be like "oh god, stop spending" but that didn't happen. howevs, i now know where my money is going and knowledge is power, my friends. jk money is probably more powerful. jk jk knowledge is power. jk love is power. blah blah. power is power. pow.

It's Good to See You Go

[pinback - good to sea]

new obsession w/ pinback. this song is so catchy.

oh no.. i hit rock bottom.

I still miss the bus in march. Even when I run for it.