Dear Diary 06.30.10

Dear friends,

This is Emily. I am in Philadelphia. Just chillin', you know. Last weekend I was in NEW YORK CITY for RODEO DISCO NUMERO DOS that's why there have been a lack of updates. I would like to do a full and proper recap of my feelings for this weekend but I don't really have time because I have to go meet Laura with food so we can have a picnic in the park. Anyways, my general feelings are this: last year everything was very tall, especially the buildings and Marie-lyn Bernard. I sat outside Mason-Dixon the whole night. This year the buildings were still tall and so is Riese but I think I grew a little bit. The fact remains that I love everyone at Autostraddle with all my heart and soul. Maybe I will write more about it when the mood strikes.

Here's a picture.

Till next time weirdos!

We're Alone, Love, But I'm Alone With You

[editors - no sound but the wind]

i heard this song on the twilight soundtrack! i like it, i like his voice. don't like twilight.

anyways, this weekend was hectic. i'm in philadelphia now, will update soon, xoxo.

The Hairline Receding

Jude Law

Steve Carell

Vince Vaughn

The (balding) ROCK

(ok i know this is computer animated but still. it's based on real life.)

I see your hairline receding, Wayne Rooney

Chris Martin

Bruce Willis

Kevin James

Jon Bon Jovi

Will Arnett

Nicolas Cage

Ryan Reynolds

Michael Vartan (of Alias fame)

Britney Spears

Seann William Scott

Matthew McConaughey

Bradley Cooper (who was also in Alias, just sayin')

Live Alone; Eat Your Cake

Oh look, here's a video of the setting sun and the ocean.

[the national - vanderlyle crybaby geeks]

Remember when I said I would get The National's new album? Yeah, still hasn't happened. I still want it though, if anyone is interested in getting me an impromptu present.

Remember When We Marched For Equality In October?

This one time in October 2009 Autostraddle went to Washington to march for equality and we're still marching, but separately, like we march to the bus stop and to the grocery store and to the living room, etc. I was there and I took pictures and then 7 months later I took more pictures with the same roll of film and so they were all double exposed which is sometimes really nice (see: san francisco) but in this case it just made me upset and I couldn't deal with it until now. It's convenient because autostraddle is having a party called RODEO DISCO 2: BACK IN THE STRADDLE and I know you're all excited to go and maybe these pictures will make you more excited!

If you're curious, some of the pictures are mixed with other pictures from Washington, some from this time I took my friend's dog for a walk in the snow, and the time Laura came to Montreal in May.

If you want to use these pictures for something, anything, please credit me. I might post the rest on tumblr so keep looking for that, and maybe on flickr but probably not 'cause I can't be bothered.

So Sick of Being Tired and Oh So Tired of Being Sick

There are a few things causing problems in my life right now.

I cannot register at Concordia until Monday. This causes problems for a few reasons. Namely, anxiety. Guys, I can't sleep. I'm not even joking. For the past two days I have wanted to throw a brick at my wall because all the classes I want to take are full. I have made a mock schedule and it causes me anxiety to rearrange it. It causes me anxiety to think of all the other people who are registering right now and taking up spots in the classes that I don't want to take but will have to take because the other ones are full. If I have to read Joy Kogawa's Obasan again I will drop out of college immediately.

The reason I took so long to start the registration process at Concordia was because I was waiting to hear from UBC which only sent my acceptance on May 14. Then Laura came and I was distracted. Then I called Concordia and they only scheduled my academic advising session for June 14.

Making a schedule is really hard. I think I must've been concussed when I decided to major in Creative Writing. Probably I should have looked at the degree requirements and the classes and maybe talked to an advisor about this stuff, but I didn't, I applied 2 days before the deadline and then through word of mouth I heard that it was a really good program, and still I didn't look at the courses and now I'm here in this spot, confused because I just want to write stories and I don't want to read Margaret Atwood and I don't want to study 18th century drama. I feel like maybe I should've known that Creative Writing is actually English Literature in Disguise with Four Creative Writing Classes to Throw You Off.

Sometimes I think I'm stupid. Not stupid like, 'I can't solve this math problem', but stupid like there's something that I'm missing. There's something about my life that I don't understand, that I don't get, when I finally do get it I'll have this "ooooohhhh" moment where everything makes sense and I can live my life better, but then I think that maybe there is no moment of revelation and as soon as I stop being so naive and realize that this is it, there is nothing else to "get", then I can come to terms with the fact that Modern Poetry in English is full and I can get on with my life.

But I can't stop thinking that maybe it will open up.

I think I just care a lot, you know? "I just want life in every word, to the extent that it's absurd" (and if this was an academic essay I would probs do some MLA shit right here, like, "Gibbard, Clark Gable", or something). Anyways. The point is that sometimes life is hard! And confusing! And no one wants to help you! And I want all of it, all of life. And you think one thing but it's really another thing and you feel cheated and upset, but maybe 17th Century Prose & Poetry is not as bad as it sounds (who am I kidding? It probably is) (but life goes on) (is what I'm trying to say).

My Mind is Filled With Silvery Stars

[wilco - radio cure]

i thought he said "distance has a way of making love understandable" but he actually says "distance has no way of making love understandable".

going through a wilco phase.

sometimes you're flush and sometimes you're bust

"i'm interested in applying for the job," i said, motioning to the sign outside the restaurant that said they were hiring.

"do you have your cv?"

i gave it to him. he looked at it.

"you have no experience."

"i know, but i'm a fast learner."

he wrote 'no experience' at the top of my resume.

"we're looking for someone with experience, but we'll see if something comes up."

when do you think is a good time to go back and convince him to give me something to do, give me some money? tuesday, or wednesday? or thursday?

okay, so maybe i didn't even know what the restaurant was called, maybe i had to look it up, but who cares, i am smarter than most people and this man should pay me to take people's orders. maybe this is a dumb summer job in between american eagle and getting paid to write this shit, but who cares, the future is bright.

in 5 years i want to make you wish you knew me right now.

there is no such thing as eye contact on skype

skype is this really great invention that let's you see and talk to someone else anywhere in the world provided you both have a computer and skype. skype is free. you can even get skype on your iphone. skype is kind of like a phone, but free. free calls! anywhere in the world!

i spend a lot of time on skype. so much, that i've developed a bitterness towards it. 'cause you can't touch anyone on skype. and when you close your computer at night, you're alone. and when you look at someone, they can't even tell. and when they look at you, you don't even know. you can't really see anything, just pixelated faces, mouths frozen or lagging.

yesterday i biked to the house i used to live in. i just biked by, quickly, because i saw mr. vaillancourt sweeping his drive and i didn't want him to notice me if i stopped. i wonder how old he is now. the entire street looked unchanged, but everything was. there was a mini statue of jesus in our old garden.

i rode past my elementary school, through the park and the trees i used to climb, past shannon's house, past shane's house, through the grass into the forest where the kids make mountains in the dirt to do bike tricks. the only difference between now and then is that the mountains are bigger now. i guess we are too.

if you had told me 7 years ago that i'd be here now, moved across the main street to a new house, making no eye contact on skype, i would have said what the hell is skype.

i'm moving again, too. or trying to. growing up is stranger than i thought it would be.

remember when everything was new, before this was a habit? i had butterflies in my stomach and shivers right to my fingertips. sometimes i can't believe this is real.

Don't You Know Love Goes Home to Paris in the Spring?

[the magnetic fields - love goes home to paris in the spring]

i've had enough, you never give me anything...

don't you know love goes home to paris in the spring?

Boy Scout Loves Mountaineer

I don't watch a lot of tv, but every once in a while I get a push that starts me watching a show. For example, back when Carly used to do Televisionary Tuesdays on Autostraddle, I did screencaps for her. One of the shows she was recapping was How I Met Your Mother. Unfortunately I was screencapping the season 4 finale and had no idea what was going on, only that it was really funny. So then I spent the next two weeks watching every episode ever of HIMYM until I was caught up. Then, this holiday break, I started watching The Office. Literally all I did was sit at home and watch it. After that it was 30 Rock which I also ate up until school forced me to read a book. I'd like to add that I haven't seen the end of any of these shows most recent seasons.

Currently I am totally caught up in a really old show: Alias. Alias is different from the previous three shows I mentioned for a number of reasons, namely, it's not a sitcom. Alias is funny on purpose about 2% of the time and funny by accident about 37.72829% of the time. The rest of the time it's either terrifying or completely ridiculous. Because the truth about Alias is this: it is terrible/AWESOME.

I started watching Alias in Philadelphia with Laura's friend and have been kinda hooked ever since.

Alias actually scares me. Maybe it's because Laura and I watch it at 1am or maybe it's because I'm a big baby, but there hasn't been an episode where I either close my eyes or block the computer screen because I AM SCARED. When I was 11 Buffy the Vampire Slayer used to terrify me, until I started watching it when I was older (and years after it had finished) and it was hilarious. I am even older now and I think Alias is way scary!/suspenseful.

The thing about Alias, though, is that while there are scary moments, mostly it's just campy. There are only 2 kinds of music on Alias: the heavy bass, techno-y pump up music they play when Sydney is on a mission, and the lesbian music they play when things are sad (which is often). Once they played Coldplay. Alias is that kind of show where, when the bad guys shoot, they miss, and when the good guys shoot, they don't. It's also a show full of convenient coincidences and really good timing by the CIA. Like oh, obviously when Sydney's knee is about to get blown off she is saved. Also Sydney knows every language. Ever. Once Laura saw a wire holding up a plane.

Have I mentioned Jennifer Garner yet? Jennifer Garner plays Sydney Bristow. She has nice skin. Sometimes Sydney has to use disguises. Sometimes she looks like this:

Sometimes she looks like this:

Um, if that's not incentive to start watching, I don't know what is.

++

I decided to interview my partner-in-viewing Laura about her feelings w/r/t Alias.

Emily: What is your favourite Sydney Bristow disguise?

Laura: This one, she's got a Spanish fan, and red hair and a red dress with long sleeves and slits at the sides, and super cleavage and she's wearing a black bra underneath. And her eyes are really really made up.

Emily: Is that it?

Laura: Yeah. She swings on a rope and can knock somebody out.

Emily: What about that one where she walks out of the pool and a man follows her?

Laura: Nope. That's not it.

Emily: That's not it? Not when she's in a bathing suit?

Laura: Nope.

Emily: I like when she's blonde.

Laura: I like her whenever she has red hair, and I don't even like red hair. I also like the one where she chewed gum and had blonde hair and pearls.

Emily: What is the campiest thing about Alias?

Laura: What about Alias is not campy?

Emily: I thought that you might say the wire holding the plane.

Laura: Ohmygod, the wire holding the plane. No, that's not campy, that's just ridiculous. Probably the fact that... I like it when things are named really obvious things. Like that alliance between them was called "The Alliance". Also the episode names are kinda dorky.

Emily: Does Alias scare you?

Laura: On occasion because I don't like it when they get into weird supernatural shit and I'm alone in my house at night.

Emily: Weird supernatural shit like what?

Laura: Like frying bodies.

Emily: Oh yeah, that was really creepy. That one just made me sad.

Laura: It's gross.

Emily: What do you think about the music in Alias?

Laura: It's a very strange combination of techno/jam/rave and and Indigo Girls concert with mixes of Coldplay thrown in for good measure.

Emily: I feel like I'm just asking you to confirm everything I've written in my post.

Laura: So maybe you shouldn't interview me.

Emily: Probably not. Do you have anything to say about Alias? What is your favourite thing about Alias?

Laura: I like that she kicks ass and takes names. And even though she's in love with a man she still fights with him when it comes to mission stuff, she doesn't just agree with him. I guess what I'm saying is --

Emily: I guess what you're saying is "I'm a feminist!"

Laura: -- Alias has a feminist agenda.

Emily: What do you think is Sloane's master plan?

Laura: Jesus, I don't even know. I think he's probably trying to bring Elvis back from the dead.

Emily: Have you eaten dinner yet?

Laura: I didn't eat dinner today.

Emily: Aw, are you hungry?

Laura: Well, here's what I've eaten today: 3 slices of pizza (but they were small slices), a cupcake, a little bowl of pasta, a granola bar, an apple, a cinnamon roll, some cheese. The end.

[we talk about food, Laura gets an email]

Laura: I have a question for you if you don't have any.

Emily: Okay.

Laura: Do you want to watch an episode of Alias?

the weatherman's a liar

the evening i spent,

watching tv and watering plants,

writing stories,

washing windows.

it seemed silly to spend a gray day at the beach.

we did it anyway.

kites,

coloured,

blown up balls.

sand between my teeth:

gritty, and wet.

the forecast called for rain.

it never rained.

just the heavy promise,

clouds, thick, threatening,

never following through.

home, or

somewhere.

a bed under a roof.

does it matter where,

even if it feels a little

empty

the absence of rain on the roof:

silence.

++

remember when,

in the lamplight,

our skin touched.

in my room,

nothing illuminated

but your back...

and i keep thinking

if you were here

i'd pull you into me.

and sometimes i just hate

my computer lying next to me.

it is very hard to find a job

if you never leave your house.

my hair is really soft,

does anyone care about that.

when is someone going to pay me

to write a fucking poem.