Friday, July 31, 2009

This Post is Only About #smallearth

Firstly, let me go get some ice cream.

Secondly, as stated in the title, this post is about #smallearth. The definition for #smallearth can be found here, but I will copy and paste it here because you're probably too lazy to click on that link [fyi you should anyway because the next post has pictures of tacky postcards from the philippines and who doesn't want to see that, right].
#smallearth (n) – 1. conceptually, a small-scale model of planet Earth. Although the exact dimensions of #smallearth have never been determined, it is commonly accepted that the planet is small enough that such nonsense as 12-hour time differences simply cannot exist, resulting in a cohesive society of #smallearthlings.

2. a community that is so small, that it is entirely feasible for all or most of its members to somehow come in contact with each other, regardless of actual physical location; a significantly less lame way of saying “small world, eh?,” a community where an unspoken set of rules/tendencies exist.

++

#smallearth was created in the middle of the night (for me) while Katrina was on the other side of the world eating lunch, because that's the only way it could have been invented. That's how #smallearth works. #smallearth is the feeling you get when something far away affects you at home ("home". you know. where the heart is). #smallearth is when far away things feel close.

#smallearth is a concept so I don't really think it has physical dimensions. It's as small or as big as you let it and I think it exists because Katrina and I brought it into existence [sidenote: I also think we bring our actual earth into existence by thinking about it and if everyone on the planet stopped (truly) believing in earth it would cease to exist]. That being said, it's smaller than planet earth. Or it's bigger but the people have really long legs so you can cross oceans in two steps, whatever you choose.

#smallearth is a feeling so there can be any number of people on #smallearth at one time and although it would be logical that the ratio of douchebags to awesome people on actual earth would carry over, I hereby declare that there are no douchebags on #smallearth. As one half of the creators of #smallearth I have the power to do this.

#smallearth makes me feel less lonely. 'Cause sometimes I think our planet is just really huge and it bums me out. Then I think that compared to the universe, our planet is a speck of dust and then I feel really tiny and useless and sad.

Like this:



#smallearth makes me feel like this:



Tuesday, July 28, 2009

I'm a perfect piece of ass, like every Californian

Music Monday Tuesday. I sort of missed it whatever.

[the national - all the wine]

For a long time I thought my favorite The National song was Slow Show but All the Wine has crept up and it won't go away. I mean, Slow Show is brilliant and lovely and I like the words better than All the Wine's. But All the Wine is better as a whole, for me anyway. I love the guitar and I just love this song so fucking much that I listen to it over and over again. I imagine birthday snapshots and an arrogant man with a party hat on

Not really like these pictures but it's late and all I could find.

polanoid



i'm in a state. i'm in a state. not
hing can touch us, my love.

















++

do you have questions? because riese is answering them.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

I've Been Reading. I've Been Reading Some Crappy Books.

So Harry Potter happened! Sometimes I get the urge to read all the Harry Potter books in a row, so I did that, and then the movie came out. I saw it. Did you? Probably maybe. My only comment is this, and has been this since the first movie came out: Alan Rickman is perfect as Snape (I wrote Spane first cause my fingers don't have nerves that connect to my brain). I have other comments but even I don't care about them.

Remember last time I read some books? That was over a month ago. Also, who is the anonymous commentater? I've been trying to figure it out for .. over a month. Anyways, this is what I've been reading lately, nothing too interesting or exciting. Mostly I've been taking books of my shelf that I haven't read in a long time and that usually means I first read them when I was 10.

Build a wall of books between us in our bed

After reading Harry Potter, I decided to read Pirates! by Celia Rees because it was on my shelf and I wanted to be 13 again. Basically I don't have anything to say about this book because it's for 13 year olds and I'm (thankfully!) not that age anymore.

Then Katie lent me Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk which was really just a crazy book. Everybody is just somebody else with a fake name and it's all super dramatic and high paced. It was really well written, but then again I expect nothing less from Chuck Palahniuk. Ps Fight Club is obvs still an awesome movie. Brb going to watch it.

Alright, I'm not going to lie, I like fantasy novels. I just do. So I read The Sight by David Clement-Davies which was a really good book when I was younger. It was still kinda good, except I think I skipped a lot of words and just "read" it, if you know what I mean. No? I know, I'm terrible at explaining things. It was still fairly interesting anyway, a couple of times I thought he was trying to make a religious comment about the world except it was so random that I wasn't sure.

Here's where it gets "serious" (is anything ever serious?). After these books I decided that I wanted to be more "scholarly" and "educated" and "intellectual" so now I'm only reading "classic literature". I read The Outsider (or The Stranger or L'├ętranger in the real french version) by Albert Camus. The way it was written reminded me of The Catcher in the Rye, another "classic novel". I read it in one day though, it was fast and good (that's what she said) and probably one that I'd read again.

Currently I'm reading The Scarlett Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne in an effort to give the appearance that I'm smart. It's one of those books I really have to focus to get through it. Also I always read Hesta Prynn instead of Hester Prynne, which is actually fine with me. Remember this? Sara's hair is so long!

Speaking of Tegan and Sara, their new album is coming out October 27. So get ready.

In other news, Tokyo is still having "thundershowers" and I almost went for a run today.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

There Was a Terrible Storm and You Were Wearing All Our Coats

Ever since I got this iPhone that has a weather application I've been obsessively checking the weather reports not only in Montreal but also in New York, Vancouver, San Francisco, Barcelona, Sydney, Rome, London, Tokyo, and Paris. I have no idea if any of it is accurate (it's yahoo!...) but I like to compare everyone elses better weather to ours. Except for Tokyo, I think God's trying to smote them.


Just so we're clear, those are all little clouds with lightening bolts coming out of them. Tokyo has looked like that all summer, they have the worst weather ever. I feel like Yahoo is making it up. They also make up the Montreal weather because it always says rainy or cloudy but lately it's just been a million degrees.

Anyways, in comparison, Rome is a ball of fucking sunshine.


Do I need to explain the round yellow balls? I'd just like to point out that Barcelona, San Fran, and Vancouver look exactly the same. Montreal? Looks like this:

Rain and thundershowers, basically.

Also apparently the Philippines have been having bad weather too. According to Katrina Chicklet, who is there, "omg we've been having like fucking flooding every day. Flooding like seep into the car, waves crash against curbs flooding.

Flooding like children swim in it."

Another reason I've been checking the weather all the time is because if it rains (like legit rain, not drizzling) I don't have to go outside and work! I can stay in my chalet and read a book! And it also means that my boss probably won't go outside either, even if it's just to drive his truck.

And that's the weather report. I'm not sorry I'm really boring! Take that!

Monday, July 20, 2009

I'm a Shadowboxer, Baby

[fiona apple - shadowboxer]

just got into fiona via achtung baby and this post so why don't you go watch that video and have your brains blown away.

in the wise words of mr. luna himself "You people are communists! how dare you not comment on this most amazing fucking performance!"

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Now it all seems too familiar, like pages turned on calendars

I had a post where I talked a lot of crazy about the past but that was it, all I did was talk crazy. I also went through my old journals and emails, it was just a ridiculously bad idea. Basically I don't know what's going on! Let's talk more crazy about 2006.

2006 was a stupid year. I turned 16 but I was probably really 5. I'm also turning 5 again this year. When I say 2006 I mean grade 10 which was really 2007. In 2007 I developed insomnia mainly because I exchanged sleep for staring at my ceiling. Also I made some late night phone calls where I breathed into the speaker and said things like "I can't sleep". I listened to a lot of Bright Eyes.

"i'm sorry about the phone call and needing you. some decisions you don't make. i guess it's just like breathing and not wanting to. there are some things you can't fake."
-bright eyes "feb 15th"

++

I disappeared for two months in 2006. I mean, I didn't write in my journal. Last entry of 2005: december 2. Then, a poem. Then, someone's name written a million times on one page. Both undated. Then, march 29, 2006. A letter. I didn't write anything in July. On August 14 I wrote an entire entry about fried eggs. On August 17 I made a list of things that annoy me. It took up two pages. Excerpts:

1. people sitting on my pillow
10. little kids
15. peeing
16. bad hair days
21. turtlenecks
23. mushy carrots


++

I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I'm forgetting who I used to be. Or maybe, could it be, am I saying this?:

"i am trying to say what I want to say without having to say I love you"
-stars "what i'm trying to say"

November was when I realized I loved [redacted] already, and my heart soared.

Then it unraveled so fast and I was lost on buses in my own town and there was snow and it was cold and [redacted] was cold and I was dead inside. I followed [redacted] everywhere, really, I waited outside libraries and at home on the computer, I never slept 'cause of [redacted].

I spent a lot of time on the bus in grade 10.

"i take the city bus home
it's the same route every day
i check the schedule in case it changed
but it never does."
-my journal, november 20 2006

I spent a lot of time walking in 2007. I think 2007 was when I walked everywhere without actually going anywhere.

I spent a lot of time wasting time, doing nothing. People thought I was weird, I was just trying to hide from them.

++

August 27 2006; a story about yellow galoshes. September 2; a list of different ways to say hello. September 7; a to-do list. Things that I have accomplished on that list since then:

4) write a song
9) be able to do the rainbow (soccer move)

and this is up for debate

6) make one significant change in the world

++

"i'm sorry about the phone call, and waking you. i know that it is late. but thank you for talking, because i needed to. some things just can't wait."
-bright eyes "feb 15"

Monday, July 13, 2009

This is Where I Tell You: I Know Love's What I Need to Work At

Passion Pit are the next big thing, so I hope you're listening to them. If not, nows your chance 'cause they're my Music Monday pick.

Unrelated to Passion Pit, I have lots of feelings right now so expect some weird posts this week. Thankyoubye.

[passion pit - i've got your number]

better things are coming, i swear there's truth in that
[passion pit - better things]

why do i always need to need you when you're fleeing? where do you go when i'm around?
[passion pit - eyes as candles]

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

If I Murdered A Senior Citizen Would It Still Be The Same

I had a few ideas for tonight's post, the first being Authority capital A and really just an excuse for me to rip into my boss at whose hands I've had two really crappy days at work because he both infuriated and humiliated me two days in a row. The second being the irony that someone whose friendship I once sought 5 years ago is now requesting my friendship on facebook. The third is that I almost caught the dreaded swine flu.

None of these topics are really suitable for a whole blog post; I don't want to publically ("publically" - who reads this?) bash my boss (though I'm trying really hard not to write some swear words right now nannyfucking motherfucker oops) because it's something private, and while the irony of this facebook request is interesting to me I would probably be so vague about it no one would understand anyway (though I do have the distinct pleasure in saying that I have so far not responded to it...). I don't have anything to say about the swine flu except that I almost thought I almost had it and then I didn't.

Instead I've decided to do a post about things that have almost happened to me or things that I almost did -- which is a bit uncharacteristic considering that I hate dwelling on the past because it only serves to confuse me and I am already very confused (why? I don't know). I actually find it kind of fascinating to think about how different my life would be if things had gone the other way. Fascinating, but if I think about it too much I would probably kill myself because there's no way to find out and that would drive me mad. Unless someone figured out how to time travel, etc., where's Albus Dumbledore? No wait he's dead, like MJ and Farrah Fawcett about whom everyone forgot. Harry Potter the movie is coming out soon. What am I talking about? Oh yeah.

5 Things That Almost Happened To Me But Didn't
(in no real order, numbering is just because I feel like they need to be numbered)


5. I almost didn't make the Dawson hockey team

See, this would've most certainly have changed my first year in CEGEP quite a bit. For one thing, I probably would've been happier but I never would have met up with Katrina in DC. I also probably would never have seen a "councellor" who looks like Sandra Bernhard or that other therapist I saw twice but stopped because she was terrible/TERRIBLE and swallowed weirdly, which you may think trivial but you never met her, so.

4. I almost didn't switch programs in grade 9

The only reason I switched was because my schedule on the first day of grade 9 was so scary and crappy that I didn't want to stay. I probably would have been happier had I not switched programs -- the last 3 years of high school were the worst of my life. However I wouldn't have met That Person Who Moved to Iowa nor that other person whose name I am also too embarassed to put here. I probably wouldn't have felt as alienated, depressed, stupid, confused, or rejected as I did but I guess it's a good thing (what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, y'know, whatever).

3. I almost did something that one night at that one party

zomg life would have been so different wouldn't it. No point in explaining this one; I like to be vague and mysterious, keep people on their toes.... jk.

2. I almost didn't go to New York

I had to work like 15 days in a row so I could go to New York but it was soo worth it. Best decision ever. Canadian border security people thought I was crazy (they're obvs wrong) and searched my bag (#1 is I almost got arrested for smuggling the marijuana over the border. jk again. see? not crazy).

1. I almost murdered a senior citizen at a bank

JK that was Riese Michael Jackson Someone Else. Er... I mean there are lots of other things that Almost Happened but like really, I can't dwell on them/think about them it sucks too much. I could say I Almost Didn't Punch A Hole In My Wall but that would be a lie. Oh I know! When I was little I almost mailed an envelope of about $10 in change (my life's savings) to scholastic so I could be part of the Mary-Kate and Ashley fanclub or whatevs.

Monday, July 6, 2009

You Better Hurry Rabbit, Run, Run, Run

You always had to hold the reigns, but where I'm headed you just don't know the way. So affections fade away, or do adults just learn to play the most ridiculous, repulsive games?

[the shins - turn on me]

I had this post lined up at one point when those lyrics made a lot of sense to me. They still do now, but I think I meant those for someone in particular whom I can't remember now. Time changes everything and I'm always confused when it does. Whatever, The Shins are still awesome and this song is still good.

The worst part is over, now get back on that horse and ride.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

I Just Want Back in New York City

wine,
red, white, and blue
no wait, i'm canadian
i have a lot of friends
in london, ontario

tables, glass - but
what does it mean?
if this is a machine
it sure looks like a dream
you're just too fucking
post modern
she said
you're so fucking
post
modern
you're practically dead
bury me in keds
they're practical or so
my mom said
you're so fucking post modern!!
let me eat your head
when you die, i'm going
to wish i too
was dead
ps leisha hailey sees red
pps your mom
is in my bed
ppps j.k

-poem by katrina, riese, and i. but mostly riese.

--

I took the cab to Penn Station without really knowing where I was going. In fact this whole weekend I never knew where I was going, I just knew that I was going somewhere. It's not where you are, it's who you're with and I spent the weekend with some of the best people I possibly could. Leaving Manhattan made me want to cry.

So I did. A little bit.
And I'm still crying. But I'm still smiling too. I'm...
lacking the words. I guess if you know what it's like to be not happy and then feeling pure .. happiness .. maybe you know. Maybe you understand how much I don't want to let this go.

++

Remember that time we woke with our hearts constricted in the best way possible. Remember that time I shouted so much my voice started sounding like I had a head cold. I shouted because the rooms were loud, everything is very loud in New York. Sometimes I just want to hide from the noise inside me but not this time. This time I participated.

++

New York is big and small. My heart is big and I am small. There is enough room in my heart for everyone and everyone and other people and I will keep you [you] there because I need you [you] with me all the time.

Maybe I shouldn't admit that. Maybe I shouldn't say it. Maybe I shouldn't say anything unless everyone is drunk.

++

We're eating dinner at a restaurant in Little Italy. The lights are low and she's at the other table and my back's against the wall and no one is really sitting. There are no cars in the street I don't know why maybe it's blocked. There are a million restaurants. There are a million people. We stood by a chinese street vendor and kissed and kissed and kissed....

++

Chinese fire drill. Run, run, run [when I get a little scared].
I just want...
to never let this go.

++

I was conscious of time, knew that it was limited. Everything is in some way limited by time. Or not, depends on how you look at it. This could last forever somehow if I let it but I don't know how. Really though, I don't know what forever is and I don't know how to get there. I'm very conscious of time, I know that it is limited.

The seconds ticked.
It was long because we never slept.
What do you think they're doing right now, sleeping or drinking, I asked.
Drinking, she replied.

and so we were.

++

Run, run, run. Repeat
repeat the words I know we both said.

There are a million restaurants. There are a million people. We stood by a chinese street vendor and kissed and kissed and kissed....

++

This is how it works: you're young until you're not.

My heart feels so much right now. I remember walking in -- no, that's inaccurate, diving is right -- diving in because this couldn't be something I was scared of. I wouldn't allow myself to dip my feet in while everyone else got wet.

Look at everybody. Four on the couch, one on the floor. One on a chair. I was the fifth on the steps. One moving around everywhere. I don't know if this is right but look at everybody. Everybody is so pretty. My eyes, wide, wide, wide, soaking everything in. Dear brain, promise me you'll never forget this.

I never want to let this go.

++

I'm sitting on her shoes, and the other her is sitting in the dark corner by my side. I kinda get it. Even though it's hers, it's for her, she's gotta come outside. Sometimes we just need the comfortable people or the ones you don't need to say anything to. Some things don't need explaining. This I remember. This I know. Repeat the words I know we both didn't say.

Run, run, run.
++

Oh god, oh god, oh god. I miss you something fierce. Oh god it hurts. Oh it's so terrible, it's so perfect, it's so real. It's a thunderstorm in my heart and oh god it hurts.

This is how it works: you peer inside yourself.
You take the things you like and
try to love the things you took
and then you take that love you made
and stick it into someone else's heart
pumping someone else's blood
and walking arm in arm
you hope it don't get harmed
but even if it does
you'll just do it all again.

my number one feeling is missing autostraddle all lowercase

run run run run run around the party truck waving flags hopping sweating smiling run run circle collapse dance yes! yes! yes!

i am never letting you go.

lovelovelovelove oh god oh god oh god what is happening

And I'm still crying. But I'm still smiling too. I'm...
lacking the words. I guess if you know what it's like to be not happy and then feeling pure .. happiness .. maybe you know. Maybe you understand how much I don't want to let this go.