Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Music Monday on Tuesday: Sigur Ros

Sigur Ros is for broken people, and if not broken people then people who have looked at the world and have been frustrated with what they've seen. Or it's possible that I'm just broken and so everything else sounds like it's breaking too.

But this band is kind of special. They're not ordinary. Sigur Ros is like the moment after the climax but before the end; not when the guy leaves the girl forever but after, when the girl is left in a mess on the floor; not when the mother dies, but when the son goes home to her empty bedroom. Sigur Ros is not for breaking people, it is for people who are already broken. Sigur Ros is not that man standing on the roof about to jump - Sigur Ros is the man falling through the sky, absolutely powerless. It's rainy music, movie music. Music that needs visuals.

I should probably mention that Sigur Ros are from Iceland so you won't understand anything they're saying - not that they say anything anyways, apparently sometimes they write in "Hopelandic"; sounds that fit the melody. I want to write 'basically' but I've been trained not to.

I have a question for you, readers, whoever you are: if you could confess anything to anyone, what would it be? Tell me or don't tell me, or tell the person you need to tell. That's all.

- Von
- the nothing song
- Svefn-g-englar

Sunday, March 29, 2009

All I Do Is Push You Far Away From Me

I hated myself. I really did. My heart carried around a self-loathing that was constantly on the verge of overflowing and I was shoving it in people's faces. I hated myself, everyone around me should hate themselves too.

I pushed everyone away and sat in my room of loneliness.

I hated myself for being lonely, hated that I was the reason I was alone. We accept the love with think we deserve and I didn't think I deserved any. But I wanted it. I wanted it so badly.

I was plagued by the fear of never being able to do anything right. I hated myself for that; for being afraid and for not doing anything right.

I remember it started really young. I remember learning to retreat from reality; when things were going badly I would quietly slip into the folds of my mind and hide and outside I would be a ghost. I wrote stories in my head, stories all the time, and I acted them out, I created characters with feelings that were tied to whatever was happening in my real life as a way of relief. But the stories were never an autobiography. Why write an autobiography when I could invent something so much better, some place more fulfilling, some place where I was happy?

Therein lies the problem, and the solution. The problem was my self-destructive childhood, my need to escape from my own life all the time. My stories became real to me. I made myself a character and I dictated what other characters did, and said, and felt, and it felt good to have some kind of world where I could control things. I made up background stories for them like they were real people who had real lives before I invented them. And I played it out like a movie and when it was over I wrote another one.

In the end, the fiction held more truth than my real life. It showed me the person I wanted to be, the life I wanted to have. My made up stories told me the truth about myself, allowed me to see my deepest thoughts, feelings, desires. Telling stories to myself became a solution. It gave me something to hope for; a way out.

The anger still hasn't dissipated. But it seems easier to shrug it off when I'm walking towards something like I've got a purpose. I like to kid myself that I'm going somewhere, that there really is a destination, a finishing line far off in the distance.

It seems lame to quote myself but what can I say. Sometimes I'm many different people.

"I’m hoping that there’s a bed for me at home, someone warm to curl up next to, stairs to walk down in the morning and a lot of sunlight outside, a bus that comes on time, and then places, I hope there are places I can go. I hope I have some place to go, some place to return to, a space in time in the crowded world that is just for me."


"Life just is this way, broken, and I am crazy to hope for something else." - Miranda July "No One Belongs Here More Than You"

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Life is Full Of Wonder, Love is Never Wrong

Portia on Ellen 03.16.09

Who wins?

Human beings, everywhere.


Monday, March 23, 2009

Music Monday: Where The Good Goes

Where does the good go? This song randomly came up on my playlist the other day and I forgot how much I liked it. I mean, I practically started bawling. Seriously, tears welled up in my eyes, and I was like "fuck you Tegan and Sara for understanding human emotions". I forgot how well they break my heart into a million pieces.

It's love that leaves..

cry cry cry

and breaks the seal of always thinking you would be real happy..

fuck my life

and healthy, strong and calm...

peanuts, donuts, grapes

where does the good go?

Seriously, where does it go?

This song hurts. I mean, it really hurts, my heart aches for myself and for the world; for all the "good" that was lost somewhere along the road and can't be picked up again because that would mean going back. 'Cause once it's gone, it's really really really gone. I guess that's how we grow up.

photo cass bird

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Hot Tramp, I Love You So

Got your mother in a whirl...

She's not sure if you're a boy or a girl..

Hey babe, your hair's alright..

Hey babe, let's go out tonight...

Rebel, rebel, you've torn your dress
Rebel, rebel, your face is a mess
Rebel, rebel, how could they know?
Hot tramp, I love you so!

I promise you this blog will get stranger.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

All I Wanna Do Is Complain And Take Your Money

The new facebook is a piece of shit. As is this asscrack of a computer I'm using instead of my supposedly youthful laptop (still under warranty) which is in the hospital (my uncle's place) undergoing surgery for memory loss (RAM).

In the grand scheme of things I really have nothing to complain about, but when has that ever stopped anyone. No, wait. I hate when people say that. I am grateful that I don't live in a third world country. I am grateful that I have food, not dirt on my plate, and that I actually have a plate to eat it off. But as much as they didn't choose where they were born, neither did I. There's not really much I can do about the shitty life people in third world countries live, besides donate a bit. I could volunteer to help build a school in some place across the Atlantic. Would that satisfy my soul? It's not like I starved the kids and put them there myself. Blame the shitfaced Europeans in the 15th and 16th centuries who thought it would be a good idea to make Africans slaves.

In all honesty, I don't think about dying kids during the course of my day, but I bet you don't either. It makes me sound heartless doesn't it. Because really, they're over there, and I'm here. My life is here. I have real deadlines here. Things that affect me, personally, here. Mememe. Yes it is all about me. And if you're you, you're saying the same thing. It's in our nature to put ourselves first. Maybe volunteers are looking for a special place in heaven. Most likely it's because it makes them feel good about themselves.

I don't even know why I'm ranting about this, I'm mad about something else.

What I really want to rant about is my laptop. I feel empty and nervous without it. It's not the fact that I don't have a computer, obviously I have a computer, it's that my stuff is on it. All my music and pictures and thoughts are on it. The music is the worst, I think. Some people put their records and/or cd's on a shelf; I put mine on my laptop. And it's not like you buy one cd, you've bought them all, no, people have really large collections of music. Imagine if someone came into your house and stole all your cd's? I feel like that. Along with my photo albums, which people also collect. Those things are irreplaceable. Maybe I do sound like a first world asshole complaining about being rich, but anyone who's reading this has a computer too. Also, does the fact that I'm defending myself from criticism I never received mean I have a guilty conscience?

I've been in a bad mood for 2 days. March break sucks.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Music Monday: North of Somewhere

Okay, so I had this idea planned for music Monday and then my laptop wouldn't turn on and my life exploded into a pile of dust. Obviously I jinxed myself with my dumb rant about irrational fears. Next my house is going to be on fire.

Anyways, I'm going to post a Canadian mixtape for Katrina. I don't have my iTunes which makes things considerably harder (read: really fucking hard), but hopefully it's still pleasing to the ears. Actually I'm just going to post the song name and you can assemble it yourself. It's like a DIY mixtape! When I say DIY I mean DIY but you better put these in the same order 'cause that's how I made it and I'm an evil dictator. Also, I know I've done Canadian artists in the past so this is getting old and redundant but SCREW YOU ok thanks, love you guys. This is for Katrina, the south American redneck who is neither a feminist nor educated. [when I say south American I mean the southern United States]

1. Stars - Your Ex-Lover is Dead
I was worried it would be really hard to pick a Stars track for this, but looking over their songs, it was pretty easy to pick this song. For one, it was the first Stars song I ever heard and they mention the Champlain Bridge. A direct reference to something in Canada works well when making a Canadian mixtape. Secondly, this is perfect for an opening track.

2. Hot Hot Heat - Middle of Nowhere
This song is really endearing. It gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside.

3. The New Pornographers - Challengers
I usually pick Sing Me Spanish Techno for my mixtapes, but somehow Challengers felt more fitting here. "Whatever the mess you are, you're mine."

4.The Weakerthans - Plea From A Cat Named Virtute
This song makes me sad and I feel a personal attachment to Virtute the cat. That is why I feel even sadder when I listen to Virtute the Cat Explains Her Departure. That being said, I love both these songs. It's the innocent loving part of me, like I think inanimate objects have feelings and I feel bad when I throw them out.

5. City and Colour - Casey's Song
Canada is proud of you, Dallas Green.

6.The Tragically Hip - Ahead by a Century
I know The Tragically Hip are a 90's band and the rest of these are mostly all 2000's, but they really are one of Canada's great bands.

7. Tegan and Sara - I Bet It Stung
Favorite band, ever. Hands down, totes. There's something very approachable about them. On almost all their songs I say "yeah, me too". I should also mention that Sara is my wife. I mean, we've never met, but when we do it's almost a sure thing.

8. Moneen - The Frightening Reality that the title of this song is too long.

"Who is she? Who are they? Who am I?"

9.Our Lady Peace - Life
I have a soft spot for OLP. "How many special people change?" All of them, fuckers. I'm not bitter. [edit March 22 '09: no one noticed that I quoted the wrong song? I'm gonna look back on this one day and laugh.]

10. Dragonette - Get Lucky
I liked this band before they were on the radio. This song makes me happy, it's hard to stop listening to it.

11. Wintersleep - Weighty Ghost
This song makes me want to write a song.

12. Tokyo Police Club - In a Cave
I'm kinda new to Tokyo Police Club, but I really dig this song. They have a weird name, like they should be from Europe or something.

13. Metric - Empty
Metric, one of Canada's great underground bands that have also made it in the United States. If you have more time, definitely give this band a look.

14. Broken Social Scene - Almost Crimes
I'm actually not the biggest fan of Broken Social Scene, but they are pretty popular and I really like this song. Also, as I was thinking of this I realized that Feist used to be in this band and I forgot to put her on this list. Epic fail on my part. I'll just add her in here.

Simple Plan
Avril Lavigne

Also, 10 points if anyone gets the reference in the title. 10 points = my love and affection = I call you names and put you down as a defense mechanism.

Friday, March 13, 2009

I Have A Lot Of Feelings, That's Why I Have a Blog

I try really hard to do my homework but I get distracted by pictures of Penelope Cruz.

Stars make me feel really mellow and sad and heartbroken. Not a bad heartbroken, more like an accepting heartbreak; sometimes the world is just like this. If I had just gotten out of a hard breakup, I would listen to Stars and cry a lot. I didn't just get out of a relationship though, so I'm listening to Stars and enjoying it. I feel like they have a lot of feelings. I have a lot of feelings too. Some of my feelings are:

1. i am tired
2. i hate french homework
3. my brain has no punctuation
4. i am tired
5. i owe people money and i have no money that is why i borrowed money
6. does anybody have money they want to give me

I think about time a lot. I get thrown off if things don't go according to plan and I make plans, small plans but plans nonetheless and I am bad at finishing them. I have plans to eat breakfast in 20 minutes and brush my teeth in 5 and get dressed in 20 and that's 45 minutes that's why I get up 45 minutes before I have to leave but I never leave on time. I like moments when I stop thinking about time. When I think about time it means I'm not in the "now" it means I'm somewhere else, it means I'm nowhere, it means I'm making plans that I can't follow through on.

"And it came to me then, that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time." - Death Cab for Cutie "What Sarah Said"

I think there is a lyric or line for every feeling I've ever had. I think this is a thesis statement and I will go about proving it. Also I think this reinforces my view that feelings are universal and that all people, all humans share the same feelings i.e. love is not discriminatory so stop being a jackass and judging others because they look/act/are different from you and stop taking away my rights, you narrow-minded dinosaurs.

I just realized that this can go way in depth; like the level of feelings ("I hate you", "I despise you", "I hate you so much that I would not even feel bad if you died", "I dislike you", etc.) so this could probably take forever and I haven't posted in like 4 days and I have to write a stupid philosophy paper and I only had 5 hours of sleep last night and no one reads this anyways and the l word sucks balls and tomorrow's the last day before spring break, we're going to celebrate.

A celebration of death: "don't you weep, don't you weep for them. there is nothing as lucky, as, easy, or free." - bright eyes "easy/lucky/free"
Also another good death celebration song is "The Great Gig in the Sky" by Pink Floyd, except there aren't really any lyrics.

Celebration of life: Hakuna Matata! Obvs.

Annie let's not wait

I think I'll stop there 'cause celebration is all we need, let's celebrate some more. The world is really great so let's celebrate. MORE DRINKS! MORE PARTIES! MORE LAUGHTER!

also I'm sorry this post is all over the place and it's 2 days overdue and I'll try to be better I promise and next time is going to be about something, I swear.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

I Have No Idea What To Title This Post As

Ok for reals now I'm not going to talk about nothing. Well, it's still going to be about nothing but it's not going to be vague wishy washy crap like some of my previous posts [I totally forgot how to spell previous there, I kept spelling it previeus preveus previus idiot moron stupid dumbass]. Speaking of dumbassery, I forgot my phone at school on Friday and had to go all the way back to get it. Then I ran out of money and had to wait like a hobo for someone to give me some, it was very sad.

Today I'm going to post some pictures. Blogger is going to greatly diminish the (so super high) quality so I'm also going to post them on flickr but no one cares because no one is reading this, obvs I'm just doing it to satisfy myself, sometimes I'm a perfectionist. Eat shit, blogger. JK, I don't mean that. I said this post was not going to be about nothing, that was a lie. Also I just realized that if you click on the pictures they get bigger and look nicer. But I still put them on flickr.

Art is what you can get away with

Alessia if you say you don't like this one I'm going to take it as a personal insult to my photography skills and I will react the same way as if you said you wanted to stab me with a butter knife. So you and blogger can eat shit. JK, love you!

"Come on, write me a song, give me something to trust. Just promise you won't let it be just the keys that you touch." - Jack's Mannequin

Take me by the hand and tell me you would take me anywhere.

the music i want is cheaper than therapy.
remember when...

in case you forgot how to comment I can help you out.

ps daylight saving time

"i think a lot of writers write because they want to talk to people just like everyone wants to talk to people
but they don't really know how."

Sometimes Riese is brilliant.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Life Is So Quick And Sometimes It Goes Away Too Quickly

It's my favorite time of year, spring. Something about the world changes in March, I'm sure of it. I didn't write in my journal during February and March last year. That's a good thing. It means I wasn't dying.



Now's a good time to write a song about the people I love. Or have loved. I think so much about love that I don't even know what it is anymore.

This scar is a fleck on your porceline skin, you tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in..

Live through this, and you won't look back.

But we always live through it. What else can we do? What else can we do but raise our tired bodies off the ground and keep living. What else do we do except pick ourselves up and keep moving. Affirmative action. We must always move forward.


"I love that a list like this always must extend itself, and must exclude, slash. Loving: such a ruthless thing." - Stephen Dunn "Loves"

Movies to buy:
  • Milk
CD's to purchase:
  • Coldplay - Viva La Vida
  • Stars
Things to Do:
  • experience
  • take more pictures
  • write
  • celebrate
sometimes i dont like punctuation
i like to learn
i never used to care if my friends loved me
but now i do.

If I haven't lived to the fullest it's because I didn't know how.

[if I haven't loved you it's because I didn't know how.]


I've got
two bags of popcorn and a pack of licorice in my locker. I overindulge when you're away, but my life seems less full. [more empty]. That's the nicest compliment you'll ever get from me and you're not going to read it.

I never used to care if anyone loved me, but now I do. Because I've discovered that I love other people.

I'd like to write a book where the good guy loses. 'Cause sometimes that happens in real life,
you know.


[Attention: Service is slow on the green line from Angrignon to Lionel-Groulx.]
Attenion: this is the story of my life. A lot of people are angry. I'm kind of waiting for someone to push me into the metro doors as they rush past, so desperate to get to work on time. I wouldn't even mind waiting for the next one, but I too, have some place to go. I haven't panicked or worried. I'm apathetic in fact. This is a sign, I think.

Attention: We are all trying to get somewhere. I already know where I'm going, I already have my routine planned out. Our goal is this: to get from here to there and not break down in between.

Here, to there. There and back again. On s'en fou des autres. Just don't get in my way.

Are you late because of the metro? She asks. Sure, he says. Sure.


She laughs like it's the funniest thing she's ever heard and I want to punch her in the face, 'cause I hate her, I just hate that dumb bitch.


Books that have stayed with me:
  • the perks of being a wallflower
  • the neverending story
  • losing forever
  • the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy
because it taught me how to fly and that a towel is all I might ever need.

Sometimes I worry my computer will crash and everything I have will be lost but I still never back up my hard drive. I have a lot of irrational fears, this isn't one of them though. It's irrational because it's never happened to me, but it has happened to a lot of other people therefore making it rational. I read an article about a guy who lost all 500 pictures of his baby son because he forgot to back up his hard drive. I have a lot of pictures and documents I'd be really upset about if I lost them. Kind of like if my house burned down. Sometimes I worry about that. It seems irrational but it happens to people. Just not me, yet. Hopefully never. I think the first thing I would grab if my house was on fire is my laptop. I would probably trip and fall down the stairs though. Such is life. I'm not really nervous about this because I doubt it's going to happen. But I think about it, and I wonder if my house is on fire or if we've been robbed or if I dropped my Obama pin leaving school the other day and I did and I'm sad. I'm sad when something innocent is lost but I don't envy the innocent.

Today I was thinking that I don't have enough stories to tell and that means I should go outside more often or be more sociable or live more on the edge. Then I thought that I don't know how to do that so I should become a recluse and invent stories. But I don't really want to do that. Stories only come in retrospect so maybe by the summer I'll have a story to tell, something to write about. I mean, I've got stories, everyone's got stories. But are my stories worth telling?

Actually, I always knew that this would happen. That coming out of my depression would mean I wouldn't be able to write well anymore, wouldn't be able to find inspiration, would not have that sense of creativity, or artistry. That it would all be bland, really bland, boring, forced. I just never thought I'd come out of my depression.

And I never thought happiness would be so fucking boring. [I must not be happy then.]

"And the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap"

I just want to feel. I never thought I'd say this, but I want to fucking feel something, like the way I did before. I want to feel the way I did, to the extreme, with passion. I want everything to hurt so much that I have to scratch at my skin to try and get to my heart so I can rip it out because it's swelling and it might slide into my stomach at any second. Dear God if you exist never let me settle for anything less than passion. I just want my anger back, burning sadness is better than apathy. Dear God I want to be full of emotion. I want it to hurt.

I think people misinterpret my body language sometimes. Really, they are just totes off the mark.


"Oh, the importance of ground
when leaving the ground."
- Stephen Dunn "Loves"

running, returning

So what else do you do besides feel?
Contemplate the unusual and analyse human behavior.

Do you ever get tired of that?

What do you do then?
Enter in a scholarly conversation with myself.

Define 'scholarly'.
I was JK.

Do you think talking to yourself makes you crazy?

Do you think there's a point to this?
Maybe. There must be if I keep doing it.

What do you miss most about the past?
My old house.

It reminds me of flowers, and summer.


And sometimes when you're on, you're really fucking on.
- Rilo Kiley "A Better Son/Daughter"

Monday, March 2, 2009

Music Monday: Tonight, Tonight

Today is officially the day I stop counting them because it doesn't make sense to me anymore. And I've been thinking lately, about stuff. About me, obviously. mememe. Also, it's March now.


Whenever I hear the beginning of this song on the radio I think it's Disarm, which's strange 'cause they're completely different. Except for the violin part.

I'd also like to include Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness, the song that precedes Tonight, Tonight on the album.

What always got me was the 'Infinite Sadness' part. Infinite. Like 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower' infinite. Maybe we'll get there one day. It seems unlikely but we keep going anyways and I try not to wonder why.

Does anybody else think that Billy Corgan has a weird voice? I do. In any other kind of music I don't think I would like it. But it's the Smashing Pumpkins, and I love them.

andandand he says "the more you change the less you feel". Agree or disagree? I disagree. The more I change the more I feel. But I guess he's got an interesting point, maybe he means the more you change the more confused you are. I am very confused, often.

Also - Monday unofficially is sweatpants day. I want Free City sweatpants. I want their new shoes. And all their clothes, but who the fuck could afford that shit? Besides Kate Moennig, obvs.

Sorry this post is all over the place. Actually, I'm not sorry. I'm just saying.

"We'll crucify the insincere tonight
We'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight
We'll find a way to offer up the night, tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight
The impossible is possible tonight
Believe in me, as I believe in you.. Tonight."
- The Smashing Pumpkins "Tonight, Tonight"