Things That Are Killing Me Slowly

1. academia

2. my uterus

3. winter

4. the patriarchy

This Is The Story of a Girl

This is the story of Emily Choo who went to buy a bottle of wine at the grocery store on a Sunday evening and never returned. She disappeared into a vortex combination of insanity and patheticism. She didn't even care that patheticism is not a word. It all started when she saw the family sized pack of oreos on sale for $2.99. "Sweet deal!" she said and grabbed a box. Then she continued to the wine section, where she was disappointed by the lack of $6.99 bottles of white wine. Thinking she might have to pick red, her eye was suddenly caught by $7.39 boxed wine. Feeling as pleased as one can feel when buying a giant pack of oreos and boxed wine, she proceeded to the checkout counter where she promptly burst into flames and disappeared into said vortex of shame and madness and patheticism.

Inside the vortex Emily had a hard look at her life. She went to Concordia, not McGill; she studied Creative Writing, not "Business"; and she was drinking wine from a box (did it even matter that she couldn't find a glass at this point?). "I can name all the countries in the world!" She said, hanging on to this one useless skill as a shining point of her life. "I can name all the countries in the world and all the state capitals and the capitals of countries in Europe and South America," said her friend Rachel. "Fuck," said Emily, and overdosed on oreos. "Is it because I listened to dubstep?" she asked. "Because I swear to you, I don't even really know what dubstep is."

Then, seemingly from all around, a voice spoke:

"hi i'm oscar i'm your cat you went to the grocery store in your pyjamas that's just sad, and i have literally been asleep all day."

"Oscar! Kitty! I feed you! Help me!" Emily cried out. "Where are you?"

"hi i am on your bed getting hair all over your pillow. first of all, turn off that shitty music and put a bra on. second of all, get yourself a wine glass, girl. thirdly, write your goddamn midterm and don't forget to take out the garbage tonight ok."

And like a phoenix born out of its own ashes, Emily was thrown out of the vortex into her apartment where she could confirm that Oscar indeed was getting hair all over her pillow.

"hi no fucks to give," he said.

10,000 tonnes happiness and sadness

hi i'm oscar and today i bring you an anecdote of emily in china when she went in a little book shop and bought a tiny cup with a picture of a whale on it that says "10,000 tonnes happiness and sadness" and gave it to her father as an espresso cup.

she says nobody understands 10,000 tonnes happiness and sadness. also she says that they all say "this isn't chinese" as if everything from china has to be in chinese.

i think that maybe some people don't get it because they have never experienced 10,000 tonnes happiness and sadness. emily has because she is bipolar and insane. maybe if you are reading this you are also insane and know what i'm talking about.

now i recently completed my studies in psychology so i know a lot about happiness and sadness. i know 10,000 tonnes of it, you might say. i know why emily thinks the expression is cool. it is because sometimes you might feel like you can hold happiness and sadness in your hand. a whole whale of happiness and sadness. your body is a vessel for feelings. i am a cat so my body is a vessel for snacks. one day you might feel so happy that you think you might float away on a cloud of medium-thickness into the bright blue sky. then the next day you might feel like your body is an anchor pulling you to the bottom of the sea where you will drown. i learned metaphors in my english class it was mandatory as part of my phd. it is possible to feel like you have 10,000 tonnes of feelings inside you.

ok does everyone understand 10,000 tonnes happiness and sadness now? plz incorporate this into your vocabulary so that when emily speaks you know what she's talking about. it is important that you at least pretend to know what she's talking about.

hi i'm dr. oscar bluth-wilde

hi i'm dr. oscar bluth-wilde and i'll be taking over this blog for a little while while emily allows herself to continue in a downward spiral by watching charmed every night until 3am.

yes, i just want you to know that i have been taking online classes and i have received my phd in psychology so i am now a doctor. you may call me dr. oscar or just oscar that's ok too. since i am just getting my practice started i am offering for a limited time only free counselling sessions at any time of the day or night as long as i am not napping or eating or playing. i have a very busy day schedule so please keep in touch regularly with my secretary if you want to make an appointment. also if you have any advice questions you want to ask now you can do that in the comment section or in cat, kind of like ask annie only it's ask oscar and i am smarter than annie. she is an idiot.

ok so in celebration of my phd there will be a party on the internet it starts now and ends never. please bring snacks or else you can't come.

thoughts

so peel peel peel back the layers to find the same thing. it took four years to grow backward, to say look i did the circuit and now i'm back, look

look, i climbed the mountain and it was just as lonely on the other side.

i guess you are afraid of what everyone is made of

[st. vincent - apocalypse song]

the vocals on this song are amazing. this song is amazing.

(by martin stranka)

conversation, 2:39pm, wednesday

emily, did you write your paper?

of course not.

what have you been doing for the past 3 hours?

nothing. i made an internet purchase.

you have not moved from that chair for 3 hours.

i found the cat in the bathroom. lying next to the heater.

write your paper.

i can't.

why not.

i am defunct.

you are not.

yes i am.

no.

yes.

this is stupid.

yes.

write your paper.

in a second.

how many cups of coffee have you had?

2.

now you are feeling insane.

yes.

too much coffee.

no.

drink more?

soon.

can't move?

no. defunct.

not defunct.

just dying. the cat has a cold i think.

maybe you should clean the apartment.

i can't.

why not?

i have to write a paper.

write your paper.

write my paper.

write it.

write write write.

write it!!!!!

typing now. type type type.

it's a cat! i'm a cat

cat cat cat

we're a cats

there's a cat in the house

world collision

i cut myself in half. i split myself in two and i said, "i can be whoever i want to be. and i can still be happy." i can make this part of me disappear, i can make this part of me appear. i can wear a new skin every day. i can be in love i can be out love. with a snap of my fingers i need you/i don't need you.

i am -

i am -

inside this room i wear these boots and i am in charge.

outside this room i am -

i am undone. where do you find people? how do other people

find

other

people?

i am falling off the face of the earth i think. i have split myself in two and fallen right apart. i have torn myself open for nobody. i'll spill my guts for you, you don't even have to ask.

some people i know, some things i've seen

click on them

san francisco

katie

old friends, the best kind

jeba

cat

cate

hi so this is the new year

hi i'm oscar here to bring you a very special message about life which i know a lot about despite only being 7-9 months old.

firstly i don't even know why i have to say this because everyone should know this by now but open bars are a bad idea. the number one rule of life is "don't be too drunk" and open bars result in a direct contradiction of this rule. alcohol is this very silly thing that makes people think it is a good idea to text their crush or jump on the subway tracks or get naked in public.

secondly emily is lying in bed like a dead person because she violated the number one rule of life and she lost her earrings. maybe she should do the dishes or put on some pants but she just can't. now she is suffering the consequences of her actions which i do not approve of because if you come home and have to shut the door so the cat can't get in your room because you don't want him to see you then you are probably doing something wrong.

thirdly emily's number one problem in 2011 which i know a lot about despite not being alive for the entire year was anxiety about other people. i think this is stupid because emily is a smart caring person who always feeds me on time the best that she can but for some strange reason she is overcome with crippling doubt/panic/anxiety that other people think she is something other than what she is. although she doesn't really know who she is so she is also often confused and convinced that maybe she should be who other people think she is or that maybe she is already that person and or that she is a person entirely created by other people's perceptions of herself and what is free will anyway? she's not sure she has to think about it more.

from autostraddle.com

fourthly i been to a lot of places and seen a lot of things and i just have to say that i just don't understand people. i mean what are these portable telephone things that keep bringing drama into everyone's lives. here is a cat's advice: stop drinking (so much) and stop drunk texting. i like it better when people read books in bed instead of texting in bed because paper tastes better. i like to chew paper. also everyone thinks that looking a certain way is very important but it's not really. dogs are colour blind so they don't even know what you're wearing anyway.

in the end it doesn't matter who kissed who last night or that emily's eating processed cheese on a burnt bagel right now. she just wants what we all want: free delivery on new year's day. 2011 was a great year because i was born and 2012 will be even better because i will be there for all of it and there is so much opportunity for snacks. 2012 is the year of snacks.

thank you drive safe,

oscar

are there snacks out there