The Muscles Fought so Long to Control Against the Pull

Today is a big day for someone. Not for me, but for someone else. I'm just going to bear witness to it, I'm going to clap and drink and hide in the bathroom. I hate socializing. People are going to touch my hair and ask me when I'm going to the olympics. They'll point at my tattoo and ask me if it's real. My grandmother will probably make that "tchh!" sound and face and turn away -- why would you ever do something like that to yourself? I'll smile politely. Get another drink. Disappear for extended periods of time -- no one will notice me, it's a huge gathering, I'll just be off there in that gray area, stumbling around. If I had internet on my phone I would maybe live blog. But I don't, so I won't.

Today is the happiest day ever for someone. Right now. I wonder what they think as they wake up? Will I ever think those same thoughts? I don't think I could, knowing what I know and feel and see. It's just not fucking fair. Yesterday I woke up and couldn't feel my fingertips. I had a dream that someone's head was cut into 4 pieces but don't worry 'cause then she got up and killed her brother. I wonder what the happy people dream about.

Today is the greatest day ever for two people, given the opportunity to share their lives together. For others, today is another day denied equal rights, denied understanding and compassion, denied acceptance, denied as being humans. Today is another fight to live their lives as free, honest, loving, caring, etc. people. For some people, today is a day circled on the calendar. This is going to be an anniversary, a celebration -- a cele-fucking-bration! What the fuck are we celebrating? How come only some people get to celebrate? How come only certain people get to be happy? I know -- because everyone is equal, but some are more equal than others.

I cannot go to this wedding with a clear conscience.

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[tegan and sara - i was married]

and read this because you should.

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[edit at 1:35 am maybe drunk maybe iu;lk erase and edit this tomorrow probs not[

my thiughts and feelings re: guinuine heterosexual weddings. i think all weddings are genuine. i mean you don't get married thinking that you're gonna break upo with them in a year -- the moment itself is comepletey geniuine and honest and real. regardless of what really happens in 10, 20, 40 years, if they have affairs or have 2.5 kids but really end up hating each other -- they're not getting married with these thoughts in mind. the're thinkling it's gonna be the opposite. they want to beat the odds. that being said, i enjoyed myself qwuite a b it. i wish that i was not such a complete social retard but it was nice because maybe you know thst things like this make me cry. i told you this right? i cry at the olympics and it's not an athlete thing. i'm an idealist in the truest form and though i hate that being straight is super normal and being gay is frowned upon, i'm happy for them. and it doesn't even matter what i think because even though the bride and groom wanted to shasre this day with us it's really about them and they're in love and they don't need our permission. i'm an idealist and i believe in love so i'm glad they celebratied this. i guess the real thing that kills me is that people want to deny thi s same happiness to other people. i mean not in canada, in canada gays and lesbians can get married. but in the majority if the world gays and lesbains are prosecuted and stuff. but i think if these two peple, my cousin and some other guy, if they can fall in love and they want to make this commitment, however silly and caked with religious garbage, why can't anybody else. i think the way we see marriage now in our society is obviosuly not a handing over of the bride as property from one man to another, it's a promse that two peopl are makign to each other to love each other for a really long time, i dont think ti's a religious thing anymore, i eman i don't see why it should be cause they're in lvoe and that's so great and i'm so happy for them kinda i mean i just think they're lucky and i'm glad i was there cause every once in a while i need a reminder that there is good in the wrold. i like to see honest happy people. it makes me cry thinking about it watching them walk down the aisle i mean maybe nedt may 31 who knows what we'll be doing but they're gonna be remembering today. and i don;'t think they'll remember everyone who came or what songs were played or what food they ate. but they'll probably rememer being happy. even if may 31 2010 means they;'re in a fight or the dolphins are exgtinct or there's a power outage, today, tonight was somethign else. i am happy that tonight was full of love and happiness. i only wish that it was more easily shared. it's not fair that part of the world is denied this simple feeling. and i mean just that. i don;t know maybe sometimes it seems hard and stupid, love i mean, feels like it deosn't make sense. but then when you have it for real, like this, it is simple. it is so simple. and life is complicated, always, but love can be simple so why people try to steal its simplicity is beyond me. it cold be so simple.

Books I Am Currently Reading

Soooo, now that I work at a job that is 3% picking up garbage/drawing baseball lines and 97% sitting in a chalet, I have a lot of time to read and talk on the phone and do sudoku. But mostly read. I like to keep track of things like this 'cause I'm a weirdo and I want to know how many books I'm gonna read this summer! So I'm making my list here. Also this is like a book club with myself and maybe with other people if they want to participate.


Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

Hands down totes one of my favorite books ever. Ever.

"There are few people whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well. The more I see of the world the more I am dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of either merit or sense." - Elizabeth Bennet

Sigh. I urge you to read this book if you haven't already.


The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

Which was just a dumb idea because it made me depressed for like 3 days. Also frustrating 'cause I still connect with that book, probably even more so than when I first read it in grade 9.
"We accept the love we think we deserve." This line has come back as one of the truest things I've ever read.


Redwall by Brian Jacques

This is a series kinda like Lord of the Rings but not. It's about mice and other woodland creatures! I like fantasy books, they appeal to my imagination. Don't make stupid jokes. Anyways, once you get past the exaggerated, dramatic style of writing it's actually a pretty good read. I'm already reading the second book Mossflower, but after that I'm probs gonna read Harry Potter again. I think there are like, 20 Redwall books, the latest one was published in 2008 (just fyi the first one was published in 1986).

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It seems weird that with Prop 8 being upheld recently that I'm going to a wedding on Sunday. We take our rights for granted. Read what Katrina has to say about it.

i like long drives. the radio is on all night

cause you say so. lying beside your beautiful bones. candlelight and heaving tones. this avalanche of love and skin collides conquers and collapses.

[wintersleep - avalanche]

this song is so fucking good, what the fuck. listen to it twice before you decide.

here

[Also just a reminder that you can comment on this site, here, without an account. This is good because I'm no longer taking comments about specific posts outside of my blog.]

i am he as you are he as you are me

expert texpert choking smokers
don't you think the joker laughs at you?

semolina pilchard climbing up the eiffel tower
elementary penguin singing hare krishna
man you should have seen them kicking edgar allen poe

i am the eggman
they are the eggman
i am the walrus
goo goo goo joob

Apologies: An Ode to Valerie

Valerie
is Portugese
which's next to Spain
which's where my other wife lives.

But unlike Penelope
Valerie knows my name.

And even though she won't pose for photographs
she is still the prettiest
Duchess of Holland.

And even though she hates math and logic
she is still really good at it.

And even though she has dark hair and skin
she still reminds me
of summer.

I used to think she hated me
but it turns out
she does not. I think.

I imagine myself reading this to her.
I imagine her saying "aww"
but I think
I shouldn't get ahead of myself.

I hope that Valerie visits me in the West Island
and I hope she yells at me
when I step on her shoes.

[This is my public apology to a dear, dear friend of mine
who, might I add, has a very natural beauty
and does not need to wear make up, ever.
let it be known that I read this to Valerie
and she "aww'd" after every pause.
She also thinks it's funny that I started with "Valerie is Portugese".]

You've Got A Beautiful Face, It Will Take You Places

Belle and Sebastian - Dress Up In You live at BBC

Every once in a while I go through a serious Belle and Sebastian phase. I think this song is so cute, I used to listen to it on repeat forever.

Get on the airplane, you give me stomach pain. I wish that you were here, we would've had a lot to talk about...

polaroid

can this still turn out to be a love poem?

[this is a night post, meant to be read late at night, or, really really early in the morning]

her voice sung around me, and everything felt very loud. i was thinking about amanda, about summer, taking pictures in the city. it doesn't take much for my heart to settle quietly in someone else's chest. and when the song was over, it began again. i didn't want to say goodbye because i knew it would all begin again.
i wish that you were not so afraid of disappointing people, because you never disappoint me. i wish you were happier i wish that happiness came from me somehow. i wish you knew how smart you were, how you outstrip us all. oh hey did you know this is you: "i remember every instance when you stung me you're so lovely oh you're so smart. so go turn their heads, go knock them dead, go break their hearts." i should just say that to you cause that's you, that's really really you so here you go this is for you. everything is for you. and i read you in stephen dunn sometimes too. yes on page 90 and 91 there you are. i think stephen dunn meant to write someone else in the pages, he's also trying to avoid someone in his mind but it never works i know i've written poems like that too. trying to keep you off the page never works. also know that most of what i've written is borrowed somehow from someone more brilliant than i could ever be (this is me trying to write footnotes).
and i wish you were here right now or i wish that i was there with you.


"once we get to the end of this song then another will begin. so you said, in our bed. i was watching light ship through blinds to find your skin..." - okkervil river "get big"

We Had Fun in the Sun but Now You've Thrown it Away

This is for Alessia.

[rogue wave - chicago x12]

you'll never know how hard i tried to keep my worries in line
but they're all bastards

polanoid

if you forgot how to comment, don't worry, i'm here to help!

good luck to everyone who has exams tomorrow, and if you do, why are you here? stop procrastinating.

it's taking me a long time this time

from achtung baby!

christie dupree

I Get by With a Little Help From my Friends

Nearing the end of the semester and the workload piling up, it's a wonder no one has yet collapsed and died. I've been thinking lately about why it hasn't happened to me, why I haven't just said "fuck it" and gone back to sleep. It can't be the English essay on a complete and utter bogus topic, nor can it be the history paper, long overdue which sits on my hard drive barely touched. It's not philosophy, certainly not Descartes who could ever motivate me enough to drag my ass to school and pay attention. It's not politics, the biggest joke of the year, for it's surprising when more than 10 people show up. It's not French, it's not math and logic, it's not art history -- all of which are long classes but somehow made shorter by the company beside me.

For once in my life, I actually enjoy school. It's not because I like all my classes or because I get a kick out of waking up at 6 am. It's the people around me. These are the people who have opened my eyes and healed my heart, who have reminded me that not everyone is the biggest asshole I've ever met.

One memorable class on religion, late nights and skipping a full day of classes to write about I - Thou relationships, near tears, hysterics, and then laughing at the absurdity of it all. It's about needing these projects like a fish needs a bicycle. It's about falling asleep on the stairs at 7:45 am waiting to walk together because I just can't wait for my friends in class. It's about counting the number of times Gesche Peters says "as it were", playing three way battleship on graph paper, falling asleep in the library, never answering your phone, trying to decipher airpline smoke trails in the sky, and taking pictures at the park. It's about wishing we were drunk, getting drunk, getting angry, crying, laughing, and then laughing some more, and finding a reason to stay. It's about being glad we chose this bullshit program and staying in it for all these things. Because for once it finally feels like I fit in somewhere.

I get up in the morning to see your fucking faces. You are absolutely the most incredible people I have ever met.

polanoid.

There Isn't a Pension for Second Best

Synapse to synapse... the possibility's thin...

I'm dressed up for free drinks and family greetings on your wedding, your wedding, your wedding date...

[death cab for cutie - company calls epilogue]

Sometimes a song finds you at just the right time. I mean sometimes you can hear a song a hundred times and never get it, until one day when you're in a certain moment, a certain mood, and it comes on shuffle.. and suddenly everything makes sense.


polaroid

Crashing through the parlor doors, what was your first reaction? Screaming, drunk, disorderly, I'll tell you mine...

you were the one but I can't spit it out...

I Can't Remember When the Earth Turned Slowly

[i go back in time]
[april 27, 2008]

To be alive in the summer heat. The days blur together, I don't know how much time has passed. I don't know why I feel the way I do. I am connected by a thread. I feel like jumping today. I am happy to be alive today. I should open the window, let summer inside. I think today is unexplainable, beyond words. They never do anything justice anyway. We should just listen to the music.

Oh, to be vague. I can't piece together the meanings of my endless stream of thoughts. Perhaps they are meaningless. The cd skips but the world doesn't stop. To be alive is to be everything, but even in death something remains. The world is alive, simply, as are we, simple, the only thing we have, simply, the things that tie us to one another. So we must hold on tight because, simply, the world spins and we can never get dizzy and fall off. We must keep our feet firmly on the ground. Stay close to the earth, simply, to tie our hands together, we will stay so close to each other, the earth and I, we will spin together and I will lie firmly in the dirt so I don't fall away. And we will spin, so simply, the earth and I, we will spin, and spin, and spin and I will never get dizzy and fall off.


www.polanoid.net