The Muscles Fought so Long to Control Against the Pull

Today is a big day for someone. Not for me, but for someone else. I'm just going to bear witness to it, I'm going to clap and drink and hide in the bathroom. I hate socializing. People are going to touch my hair and ask me when I'm going to the olympics. They'll point at my tattoo and ask me if it's real. My grandmother will probably make that "tchh!" sound and face and turn away -- why would you ever do something like that to yourself? I'll smile politely. Get another drink. Disappear for extended periods of time -- no one will notice me, it's a huge gathering, I'll just be off there in that gray area, stumbling around. If I had internet on my phone I would maybe live blog. But I don't, so I won't.

Today is the happiest day ever for someone. Right now. I wonder what they think as they wake up? Will I ever think those same thoughts? I don't think I could, knowing what I know and feel and see. It's just not fucking fair. Yesterday I woke up and couldn't feel my fingertips. I had a dream that someone's head was cut into 4 pieces but don't worry 'cause then she got up and killed her brother. I wonder what the happy people dream about.

Today is the greatest day ever for two people, given the opportunity to share their lives together. For others, today is another day denied equal rights, denied understanding and compassion, denied acceptance, denied as being humans. Today is another fight to live their lives as free, honest, loving, caring, etc. people. For some people, today is a day circled on the calendar. This is going to be an anniversary, a celebration -- a cele-fucking-bration! What the fuck are we celebrating? How come only some people get to celebrate? How come only certain people get to be happy? I know -- because everyone is equal, but some are more equal than others.

I cannot go to this wedding with a clear conscience.

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[tegan and sara - i was married]

and read this because you should.

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[edit at 1:35 am maybe drunk maybe iu;lk erase and edit this tomorrow probs not[

my thiughts and feelings re: guinuine heterosexual weddings. i think all weddings are genuine. i mean you don't get married thinking that you're gonna break upo with them in a year -- the moment itself is comepletey geniuine and honest and real. regardless of what really happens in 10, 20, 40 years, if they have affairs or have 2.5 kids but really end up hating each other -- they're not getting married with these thoughts in mind. the're thinkling it's gonna be the opposite. they want to beat the odds. that being said, i enjoyed myself qwuite a b it. i wish that i was not such a complete social retard but it was nice because maybe you know thst things like this make me cry. i told you this right? i cry at the olympics and it's not an athlete thing. i'm an idealist in the truest form and though i hate that being straight is super normal and being gay is frowned upon, i'm happy for them. and it doesn't even matter what i think because even though the bride and groom wanted to shasre this day with us it's really about them and they're in love and they don't need our permission. i'm an idealist and i believe in love so i'm glad they celebratied this. i guess the real thing that kills me is that people want to deny thi s same happiness to other people. i mean not in canada, in canada gays and lesbians can get married. but in the majority if the world gays and lesbains are prosecuted and stuff. but i think if these two peple, my cousin and some other guy, if they can fall in love and they want to make this commitment, however silly and caked with religious garbage, why can't anybody else. i think the way we see marriage now in our society is obviosuly not a handing over of the bride as property from one man to another, it's a promse that two peopl are makign to each other to love each other for a really long time, i dont think ti's a religious thing anymore, i eman i don't see why it should be cause they're in lvoe and that's so great and i'm so happy for them kinda i mean i just think they're lucky and i'm glad i was there cause every once in a while i need a reminder that there is good in the wrold. i like to see honest happy people. it makes me cry thinking about it watching them walk down the aisle i mean maybe nedt may 31 who knows what we'll be doing but they're gonna be remembering today. and i don;'t think they'll remember everyone who came or what songs were played or what food they ate. but they'll probably rememer being happy. even if may 31 2010 means they;'re in a fight or the dolphins are exgtinct or there's a power outage, today, tonight was somethign else. i am happy that tonight was full of love and happiness. i only wish that it was more easily shared. it's not fair that part of the world is denied this simple feeling. and i mean just that. i don;t know maybe sometimes it seems hard and stupid, love i mean, feels like it deosn't make sense. but then when you have it for real, like this, it is simple. it is so simple. and life is complicated, always, but love can be simple so why people try to steal its simplicity is beyond me. it cold be so simple.

Inked Like an Octopus About to Jet

An argument that seems to come up a lot in discussions about tattoos is that you might not like it in twenty years. My answer is this: I can't not do something now in fear of what might happen in twenty years when I may or may not still be around, seriously, who knows what's going to happen? I'm not going to not enjoy something now because I think I might not enjoy it in later years. You know what else happens when you get old? Your teeth fall out and your hair falls off your head and starts growing profusely in your nose and ears but you can't tell because your eyes are so bad, and you know what that means? You probs can't see your tattoo.

Another argument is the job argument. You know, I don't really want to work for someone that doesn't accept me for who I am, and I can srsly just hear people right now telling me how naive I am and "just wait till I get into the real world", etc., but it's boring and old like you. It's okay about the job thing. I don't want to dwell on it because it seems rather unimportant to me, maybe I am incredibly naive, oh well, I won't listen because I'm stubborn and I need to have the experience in order to change my mind.

I live with no regrets. I hope when I'm 60 I remember that, when I was 18, this is what I wanted. If I've made a choice in the past that I realize I wouldn't make now then I just think that at that moment, that was how I felt. That choice felt right. I'm a big believer in following your heart, as corny as that sounds, and as much shit that has gotten me into, I'm glad that I've done it. I'm glad I've made choices based on my instinct, my gut, my heart, because had I not, I would be forever wondering, forever kicking myself trying to soothe my conscience.

The choices are mine to make, especially the mistakes. ESPECIALLY THE MISTAKES, in case you didn't read it the first time. I'd hope that my mistakes are my mistakes and not someone elses, not someone elses choice or influence. Oscar Wilde once said "experience is the name we give to our mistakes" and I'd much rather have a lot of experiences than a lot of mistakes. Also Wilde lived a flamboyant and brilliant life, and was a literary genius, thank you very much.

Some things you can't choose. You can't choose where you're born, your gender, your family, your sexuality. But there are some things you can choose. And I don't want to leave up to fate what I can take into my own hands.



"All the young punks,
laugh your life 'cause there ain't much to cry for.
All you young cunts,
live your life 'cause there ain't much to die for."
- The Clash "All the Young Punks"