In the End They'll Judge me Anyway, So Whatever

[kid cudi - up, up and away]

I first heard this song at work and I have to say that after hearing it every day over and over again I still like it. I guess that makes it a good song.

The One Where I Try to Make Light Graffiti

I thought about titling this "Baby When the Lights Go Out" but then I realized people might think I was serious or something. Natch.

Anyways, I've been experimenting with something called light graffiti. Light graffiti is really cool if you're good at drawing (which I am not). Here are 25 examples of light graffiti by people who are talented.

Wow, how do you do that? 1) get a camera. 2) get a tripod or flat, unmoving surface. 3) set a slow shutter speed (I usually do 15-25 seconds). 4) get lights -- laser pointers, flashlights, those pens that glow, etc. 5) take the picture and draw in front of it.

These are a few of the attempts I've made. I want to try it outside but so far I've been foiled by a) fucking cold weather or b) rain.

Also if anyone would like to donate some kind of light that you can control (i.e. turn on and off at will) that would be nice.

Anyways, I hope everyone is having "happy holidays". My "holidays" are going aight, thanks for asking. I'm going to New York in January, hopefully by then I'll have developed the pictures I took in August.

Open Letter to Santa Claus

Dear Santa,

for Christmas I'd like Bill Watterson to make more comics.

Thank you,

Love,

Emily

Recurring Dreams of Minor Chords

[maria taylor - song beneath the song]

Thursday night/Friday morning at about 2 am Katrina told me about Maria Taylor. Um. HOW DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT HER BEFORE? Shit. Anyways, this is Song Beneath the Song and it's brilliant.

The song Katrina first sent me is Clean Getaway but it's sad and I feel like I might need to use it for another time.

The Calendar Post

I am obsessed with time. I look at my calendar every day, multiple times. Sometimes I just stare at it. Strangely enough, I don't even write that much on it. I write when I work, my guitar lessons (every Thursday) and when I go out with friends. In fact, I usually write it after it happens. A calendar to me is like a journal. It's srs bsns. SRS PPL, SRS.

Anyways, here is a look at every calendar I have ever owned since 1999. I can't find the ones from earlier and some are missing in between. I didn't look too hard. I still have to buy a 2010 calendar and it's stressing me out. SRSLY.

1999

A smashing new calendar for 1999! I didn't write anything in this, probs just liked tolook at the pictures.

2001

I vaguely remember buying/having this calendar. I also did not write anything in here.

2003

I remember having this one, also I wrote a lot in it. In November I wrote down all the tv shows I watched (The OC, Charmed, Survivor) and my hockey games/practices. I even wrote down the day I moved (September 2).

2004

Clearly my goal in life was to have a different animal calendar every year. I wish I had a Dairyland: Canada's Cow Calendar, but oh well. Someone also bought me a Harry Potter calendar but I didn't use it because I already had this cow calendar that I specifically picked out. It's a big deal, picking out a calendar. You have to spend a whole freaking year with it so it better be good! I hate people choosing things for me. That's why this year I asked for no presents.

2005

This is obviously one of the best calendars I have ever owned. WHALES. Also, the blue whale is featured on my birthday month. FYI, blue whale = AWESOME. Want to know what happened in November? On the 17th I got a hair cut. There was no school because of a strike. On the 22 I went to see the Habs play Atlanta. Blah blah. November was a pretty boring month, I guess.

2006

So I finally stopped buying animal calendars in 2006 and I haven't looked back. I'm not gonna post 2007-2009 because they're all the same with different quotes. But I love this calendar! It's motivating! 2006 was a really shitty year, who knows how shitty it might've been without this calendar. Also I realized that I titled that post what I wanted to title this post, I guess I have to think of something creative and exciting now like "The Calendar Post".

Also, I fucking hate blogger's formatting. Do you know how many times these pictures randomly disappeared when I added the next one? So sorry if sentences are randomly cut off or there are huge spaces everywhere. It's blogger's fault. Anyways, today I'm going in search of the perfect 2010 calendar. Cray cray.

I Need a 2010 Calendar and a Slice of Bread

For some reason I keep thinking today is Wednesday. I realized I forgot to do the music monday and that I have no concept of time because I'm on break. Yet I still have an English essay to write and I still have to register for next semester. Half the options I want to take are not available. The good news is that I passed science which means that I can graduate next semester granted I pass all my coming courses WHICH I WILL MARK MY WORDS. The terrifying thing is that I have to apply to university soon. The other day I got an email from UBC saying they were accepting undergraduate applications now. I am very scared. I told this to someone while also mentioning that I am scared of everything. Write this down, kids: telling someone you're afraid of everything is not impressive. It makes you look stupid.

Anyways, I'm completely mixed up. The cheery holiday music at work made me sad. This Matt Costa song that doesn't exist on the internet, All I Want For Christmas, came on and I felt all bummy because I was thinking about this person and so I crumpled a little inside. Why am I such a sucker? I don't know. I have things to do. I need to buy a calendar. I need to eat. My room is 5 degrees colder than the rest of the house. Last night my friends wanted to go out but I fell asleep on the bed. I think that means that sometimes I'm not very fun to be around.

So far this holiday season I've been a giant lump who has barely gone outside except to miss the bus or forget my wallet at home. I feel like a grandma because I can barely stay awake past 11. I'm having candy cravings but my teeth are probably going to disintegrate or something. I hate living in the West Island. I'm not buying people Christmas presents. I told my parents not to buy me presents and to tell the rest of the family not to buy me presents. I think I'm just going to buy myself a present. After all, I know what I want. What I do not want is a t-shirt or a sweater so please don't buy me those things. I need ankle socks but no one would think of buying that.

Tomorrow I'm going to do nothing except drink tea and read Ernest Hemingway.

Don't Forget a Million Miles For Me, Safe and Another Day Has Passed by Me

"I went to B&H and got some film. Worked on autostraddle stuff with Riese and X. We smoked a joint and then went to meet Brooke, Carly, and Robin for dinner where I got drunk. Laura met us halfway through. We slept in Riese's living room and cuddled and talked and it was nice just to listen to people breathing."

- journal, August 14 2009

The room was dark, but not completely. The moonlight came through the cracks in the curtains and lit up little pathways on the floor. I remembered the first night I had stayed there, the night before. I slept on the couch. There were dark red candles on the table, at about eye-level. I thought about blowing them out because I could still see the flame when I closed my eyes but I decided not to. It added a cozy warmth to the room. For that first night I was alone with my thoughts and feeling little fits of happiness in my stomach. I was content and warm and felt like I belonged. There was satisfaction in knowing that the me from 7 months ago would never have predicted this. The fan in the window hummed quietly.

The second night was different. We slept on a mattress on the floor. The fan tried its best but the air was just sticky and hot. We pulled close to each other anyway and whispered breathy secrets. It was liberating. I felt like I was in another world, and maybe I was. I associate the feeling with New York but it could have been anywhere as long as the people were there. As long as I could lie on the floor and feel peace.

I spent the week in a daze. I seemed to be drunk all the time. I tried to get the seat next to the air conditioner. I tried to count how much money I had left. I tried to take pictures. I tried to remember every detail, every corner of every room, every street sign, every cloud in the sky. I couldn't. I only remember feeling as happy as I had ever been in my life. Now when I'm alone I think of the dark red candles. I think of Laura's navy blue shirt. I think of the mattress on the floor and the moon just outside the window and the steady breathing of the two people beside me who promised me without words that they would always be my friends.

++

June 26th, 2009. The road was foggy and empty. The yellow lines stretched on. Katrina was driving, looking for a place we never found. We listened to Tegan and Sara and it was surreal. We listened to the Yellowknife version of City Girl and we listened to the Spinner version of Nineteen and the Melbourne version of Want to be Bad. We listened to every Tegan and Sara song we could and we drove and drove and drove.

It was perfect, really. We met through a mutual love of Tegan and Sara, see. What seemed like a hundred years before, Katrina had been the girl who stole the screenname I wanted. Then she was the girl I stayed up late talking to. Then she was the girl I tried to write songs with over the internet. Then I was in DC in February and she was the girl who went from 2-D to 3-D and there was really no stopping it now. Suddenly she was in Montreal, in my room, watching the series finale of The L Word with me. It was before I knew Riese but after I had sent her that first email and I guess the forces were already at work because in four months we would be in Rockland talking about autostraddle. Riese said people usually like her better before they meet her, but I don't think that's true. I like her so much more.

The point is that four months after Katrina slept in my bed I was sleeping in her bed and driving in her car and on the eve of meeting Riese for the first time. I remember sitting in the bleachers at Katrina's high school -- the sky filled with stars, the air crisp but warm, and feeling tiny and large at the same time. The feeling would last until I took a cab to Penn Station and repeated those words to myself as the morning train took me home -- New York is big and small. My heart is big and I am small. There is enough room in my heart for everyone and everyone and other people and I will keep you [you] there because I need you [you] with me all the time.

++

I came back in August not really knowing why but feeling like I had to. I didn't know what I wanted. Maybe it was just a piece of that feeling back -- I don't even know what the feeling was or where it went -- but I wanted to recreate it.

It was so much better than the first time. I felt braver when I went home. I felt fuller, more complete. Now it's like I carry [their] hearts around but instead of feeling weighed down I feel light. I put one step in front of the other and hold this secret in my chest, this wonderful, wonderful secret, the secret everybody knows but not as well as us, no, not as well as me -- I could try and tell you but I'm not sure you'd understand: these people are more human than humans. They're more fantastical than unicorns. They're prettier than snow, they're smarter than smart things, they're worth more than their weight in gold.

They're changing the world, one heart at a time.

++

"X and Lola came over. I was passing out at 2:30 but I didn't want to fall asleep. Went to bed at 4 AM anyway. Also we came up with conspiracy facts about Gaga."

- journal, August 17 2009

At 4 AM I finally obeyed my tired eyes. I never wanted to sleep, never wanted to go home. There were three fans humming in the corners and not enough plugs for our computers. Where was the moon? I left my heart in Riese's living room.

Only Love is All Maroon

"So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard and we're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that, because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day."

- Noah, The Notebook

In the movies they have these bursting moments right before the end where everything sort of explodes and one person says they're so in love and they're here and waiting for the other person to decide. There's usually some sort of nice music and then they make out in the rain and everyone in the audience melts inside and wishes they could find love like that. Why doesn't everyone speak that romantically? Wouldn't it be nice if someone told you they've loved you for so long because of so and so reasons and you're so beautiful and the moon and the stars and love love love and how could you say no? How could you say no to a speech like that?

It's in the books too. I read books more than I watch movies. There's this moment in Pride and Prejudice when Mr. Darcy makes a confession to Elizabeth -- "In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you."

People like romantic movies because they want a piece of whatever those lovers have.

But as far as love confessions go, this isn't one.

This is a pseudo-love, sort of like, can't decide, think you're really cute anyway confession. I love you in that accidental way, the way I love everyone on the planet. I don't really like you at all. Just kidding, I do. I just want to pretend that I don't because apparently that works sometimes.

Anyways, this is just to tell you I think you're really cute. I'm not saying I want a relationship, I'm just saying that you have a nice face and you like to read, and that's okay with me. I like to read too.

So that's it. I'm letting you know, in case you were curious or something. This isn't a love confession so I suppose it's okay if I tell you that I think I like you. I mean, you're alright, I guess.

With The Wild Wolves Around You

[phoenix - north]

this is an instrumental song. it makes me think of wolves, because i think i hear them howling their loneliness at the end. seriously, seriously beautiful song.

sorry for no updates this weekend. been busy studying.

Montreal, My Hands Are Getting Cold

Holy shitfuck guys, it's December. I wrote this on November 14th. Obvs I had just read 'America'. I don't know what I want.

Anyways, urgent matters to discuss before you read this poem. Remember when Maine happened? Ironically I used a line from 'America' as the title of that post, and today America, more specifically New York, fucked up again. The NY senate voted no on gay marriage, which is incomprehensibly lame. Read about it on Autostraddle and share your feelings.

Basically I just like to write about cities a lot, now read this about Montreal.

++

Montreal, do you hate me?

I can't figure you out.

I don't think I can talk to you right now.

I might cry and that would be embarrassing.

Montreal, I'm writing your name down.

Montreal, I'm making this real.

Montreal, you're ignoring me.

Can you hear me, Montreal?

I can't figure you out.

Would you like me to wave?

Would you like me to close my eyes?

Is this a game we're playing?

Montreal, you didn't tell me.

Montreal, should I stop asking questions?

I can't stop asking questions.

Is this too unbalanced?

Am I tipping the scales?

Montreal, I'll never be able to refine this.

Montreal, you're never going to read this.

I'm going to make you read this.

Montreal, I'm going to make you care.

I can't make you care.

Montreal, would you like me to leave?

I tried to leave.

Montreal, you wouldn't let me.

Who are you, Montreal?

I can't figure you out.

Montreal, I'm making this real.

Montreal, I'm ending this now.

I can't end this now.

I can't start anything either.

Montreal, I'm stuck.

Montreal, I want to cry.

I'm going to cry in front of you.

I'm going to smoke next to you.

Montreal, would you like a cigarette?

Montreal, would you leave me alone?

Leave me alone.

I'm tired of you.

Montreal, I never see you.

Montreal, you're everywhere.

Montreal, are you ignoring me?

Montreal, I want to leave,

but you left first.

Montreal, it wasn't fair.

I gave you chances, Montreal,

you didn't take them.

Did my opportunities come up short?

Montreal, am I good enough for you?

I'll never be good enough.

Montreal, I'm better than you.

Montreal, I'm stronger.

Montreal, my hands are getting cold.

I'm tired of waiting.

Montreal, you never came.

Montreal, you never met me.

I walked home in the morning.

The morning made my hands cold.

Montreal, do you have pockets?

Do you want a cigarette?

Are you ignoring me?

Montreal, I swear I saw you last night.

I swear you saw me too.

You looked right through me, Montreal.

Between St. Laurent and Mont-Royal,

Montreal, the sidewalks are full.

I walked the sidewalk down St. Laurent.

Montreal, you were on the sidewalk too.

Montreal, I broke the rules.

Montreal, I came outside and you were gone.

Where are you, Montreal?

Are you ignoring me?

Do you want me to leave?

Do you want a cigarette?

Montreal, I don't think you care about me.

I care about me.

Montreal, this is never ending.

Montreal, I'm trying not to cry.

Did you see me last night?

I was trying not to cry.

I walked home in the morning.

Montreal, my hands are cold.

Montreal, I don't think you're listening.

Are you listening?

Montreal, you're no good for me.

Montreal, give me a fucking chance.

Ask me a question, Montreal.

Is this too much?

Montreal, I'm stuck.

Montreal, I cried.

Montreal, I tried.

You didn't try.

Montreal, you ran away.

You left me standing here.

Montreal, my hands are cold.

Answer me, Montreal.

Montreal?

Don't wait up for me, Montreal.

I'm staying out late tonight.