Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Now it all seems too familiar, like pages turned on calendars

I had a post where I talked a lot of crazy about the past but that was it, all I did was talk crazy. I also went through my old journals and emails, it was just a ridiculously bad idea. Basically I don't know what's going on! Let's talk more crazy about 2006.

2006 was a stupid year. I turned 16 but I was probably really 5. I'm also turning 5 again this year. When I say 2006 I mean grade 10 which was really 2007. In 2007 I developed insomnia mainly because I exchanged sleep for staring at my ceiling. Also I made some late night phone calls where I breathed into the speaker and said things like "I can't sleep". I listened to a lot of Bright Eyes.

"i'm sorry about the phone call and needing you. some decisions you don't make. i guess it's just like breathing and not wanting to. there are some things you can't fake."
-bright eyes "feb 15th"

++

I disappeared for two months in 2006. I mean, I didn't write in my journal. Last entry of 2005: december 2. Then, a poem. Then, someone's name written a million times on one page. Both undated. Then, march 29, 2006. A letter. I didn't write anything in July. On August 14 I wrote an entire entry about fried eggs. On August 17 I made a list of things that annoy me. It took up two pages. Excerpts:

1. people sitting on my pillow
10. little kids
15. peeing
16. bad hair days
21. turtlenecks
23. mushy carrots


++

I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I'm forgetting who I used to be. Or maybe, could it be, am I saying this?:

"i am trying to say what I want to say without having to say I love you"
-stars "what i'm trying to say"

November was when I realized I loved [redacted] already, and my heart soared.

Then it unraveled so fast and I was lost on buses in my own town and there was snow and it was cold and [redacted] was cold and I was dead inside. I followed [redacted] everywhere, really, I waited outside libraries and at home on the computer, I never slept 'cause of [redacted].

I spent a lot of time on the bus in grade 10.

"i take the city bus home
it's the same route every day
i check the schedule in case it changed
but it never does."
-my journal, november 20 2006

I spent a lot of time walking in 2007. I think 2007 was when I walked everywhere without actually going anywhere.

I spent a lot of time wasting time, doing nothing. People thought I was weird, I was just trying to hide from them.

++

August 27 2006; a story about yellow galoshes. September 2; a list of different ways to say hello. September 7; a to-do list. Things that I have accomplished on that list since then:

4) write a song
9) be able to do the rainbow (soccer move)

and this is up for debate

6) make one significant change in the world

++

"i'm sorry about the phone call, and waking you. i know that it is late. but thank you for talking, because i needed to. some things just can't wait."
-bright eyes "feb 15"

5 comments:

Heidi Robinson said...

oh man your #1 annoying thing back in the day is one of my all time annoyances. don't people realize you sleep and put your head on pillows! like wtf why sit on them its groose and germy!

miss the you and the army!

k.c. danger said...

good lord, i agree with you and heidi. it always makes me want to yell "HEY HEY. DO YOU WANT MY ASS ON YOUR FACE WHILE YOU SLEEP? YEAH THAT'S RIGHT, GET OFF MY PILLOW."

i like the way you measure time by travel.

does making a change in a person count as making a change in the world?

Lucia said...

I get this feeling, I have it a lot. I can't qualify it but .. I know this.

saint modesto said...

heidi and katrina re: people sitting on pillows: OMG thank you for agreeing. it is so gross. my friend does it on purpose to annoy me and i can't sleep at night.

i have #autowithdrawal.

katrina, are you implying that i changed you in some way? that is so sweet. want to live together in brooklyn next summer?

lucia: i'm so obsessed with the past even though i try not to be. i'm glad that you get whatever i was trying to write about, i don't even know. but it's nice to know someone feels the same.

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