Day 9: The Inner Workings of my Brain (I can do so much better)

I had three posts written for today. Two were prepared, both do not fit my current mood and therefore will not be posted. The third was written and erased in 8 minutes. I fucking hate people and their fucking expectations. The world is not anything, people are just people, I am tired I cannot be two people at once, why would anyone expect something from me. I don't expect anything from you.

I went to the library today and sat there, words crept into my head and all I had was my notebook for school. I wrote the shit in my brain down in my notebook next to the Principles of Math and Logic. It's ironic, I am not logical. I haven't felt this way in a long time, since the beginning of November. I knew it would come back, it always comes back. So what happens now. I'll never be able to sleep at night, I'll stumble my way through the day, shadowy faces in my peripheral vision, I'm not really looking for anything.. I've figured out what I want. I truly have. It is strange, how those things happen, the realization. Yeah, like, maybe I've got something figured out now. I see myself in the future, I see it, I see it, there it is, I can walk towards it, I can crawl towards it, I have a direction. I'm going somewhere. I can't tell you what I want. It's mine, all mine, I would never write it in my journal though I've been thinking about it since i was six. All the time. You know, that's why people say you always miss the things in front of you. It was sort of relevatory, all of a sudden I knew that this thing that I had dreamed about, imagined, dwelled upon for all my childhood, suddenly I knew that it was possible. That it is SO possible. It's easy. It's hard.

"I love the logic of oxymorons, and how paradox helps us not to feel insane."
- Stephen Dunn "Loves"

I'll be what I am. I'm sorry I hate political correctness, I hate formality with strangers, politeness when the person serving you is a bitch, faking gratitude, I hate presenting a side of me that I'm not. We all have to make our way in life, I know that. Don't get hung up waiting for other people. Don't expect anything from me I'm not who you expect me to be, I'm not that person, I'm not, I'm not I'm not.

I have put this off for far too long.

"I listened in, yes I'm guilty of this, you should know this.
I broke down and wrote you back before you had a chance to.
Forget forgotten I am moving past this, giving notice.
I have to go, yes I know the feeling, know you're leaving."
- Tegan and Sara "The Con"

Change We Can Believe In (Day Six)

So I'm watching Obama's inauguration, and I'm thinking that the U.S is not really a secular state. I mean, Obama went to church before the inauguration. Pastor Rick Warren made a speech/prayer. Biden and Obama put their hand on the Bible while taking the oath. Everyone was all "God bless America". Do you think an athiest could be elected president? I don't. What about non Christian? Something to think about.

I had to fast forward through about three hours of paper flag waving frozen citizens to finally get to the actual ceremony and gosh golly darndit it was exciting! There were a zillion official looking people and Hill and Bill Clinton and people dressed in security outfits and the navy and a band and paparazzi and other important folks! Fun fact: Obama didn't really have to take the oath. The 20th Amendment states that his presidency begins on January 20th at noon no matter what. Inaugurations take a long time, or at least this one does. I wasn't really paying attention when Bush was inaugurated. When was that? The first time was 2000, I was 10, obvs I didn't really care. Obama is so handsome.

Also, LOL re: Aretha Franklin's hat.

Obama stumbling over the oath was kind of cute, but also like, you think he would have practiced in front of a mirror or something. His speech was moving, per ush, but it didn't move me to tears like I hoped it would.
[Edit: I'd like to make note that it wasn't Obama who screwed up the oath, obvs Obama would never screw up something like that, it was the Chief of Justice who didn't practice in front of a mirror.]

I see why everyone was critical of Elizabeth Alexander's poem. She. Read. It. Like. This. It. Didn't. Really. Seem. Like. A. Poem.

However, Reverend Joseph Lowery got one thing right:

"We ask you to help us work for that day when black will not be asked to get back, when brown can stick around, when yellow will be mellow, when the red man can get ahead, man, and when white will embrace what is right."

Obama is a symbol of hope, American or not. Wherever you are he represents change, and the hope that we are able to move forward to something better.

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Supporting links:
God's Role in Presidential Inaugurations "Neither the phrase "so help me God" nor the use of a Bible are officially required in the presidential oath..."
Obama's speech part 1
Obama's speech part 2
Reverend Lowery's speech
Aretha Franklin's hat has turned out to be very popular indeed. People have even made a flickr page.
Mr.Prez and First Lady's first dance! Beautiful.

Fun Fact: Obama is left handed.


"Our journey has never been one of short-cuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted — for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things — some celebrated but more often men and women obscure in their labor, who have carried us up the long, rugged path towards prosperity and freedom."
- Barack Obama, Inaugural Address, January 20 '09.

Day 4: I Wake Up Exhausted

This is day four of semester two. I don't know how many days there are in the semester, I could (not) easily count them but it's more exciting this way. I'll be counting weekends 'cause I want to, I'll be doing homework during them, no one is free until May. For some reason people like to keep track of things like this, at least I do, I'm super anal about "time" and my calendar. People like to put a label on things. They can't just be "nothing", they have to be "something". Today is day four.

The days are long and the nights are short. I think my Philosophy teacher is drunk. My Politics teacher is.. is.. is.. Well, it's like this. It's a bang-your-head-against-the-wall feeling, like I want to bang his head against the wall, hard, and multiple times, there's no other way to explain it. But I've had all my first classes, now I guess I have to pay attention and work. I'm watching Grey's Anatomy now, I don't know why I still watch this show, it's pretty bad and everyone knows.

So Obama is officially the 44th president of the United States. I have the inauguration taped, I haven't a chance to watch it yet what with the paying attention and work. But I bet it's nice. Nice. More on that when I watch it.

I can't really think of what to write. Do they really still have death sentences in the U.S? There's a whole website about it, apparently it's still legal. I find that very interesting, and like, strange. Almost backwards, you know? Once in grade 8 in History class we talked about this guy who was executed for murder, and then 25 years later this other guy comes and says that he was the actual murderer, and they killed the wrong guy. Anyway the innocent guy's family ended up getting like 2 million dollars or something. But this was grade 8 so my memory is probably all wrong.

Meredith Grey was looking nice in "non-doctor" clothes. Civilian clothes. This is one of my less interesting posts.

I just reread this and it makes no sense. Obvs I'm very tired. There are probably zillions of grammatical errors all over this page, I'm only hurting myself by writing more, clearly I'm not in any state to write coherently. This is how I usually start term papers, but not this semester, right, 'cause of the new years resolution. Good thing I don't have a lot of homework yet.

Just Another Manic Monday

Er, so yeah, school has started again. I have to say I was dreading it in ways I can't explain, it was sort of like anticipating a snow storm, I wanted it to come and just get it over with. However, the night before I discovered the class lists for all my classes and for some reason that made me excited like I was anticipating my 7th birthday. I still haven't seen everyone, although tomorrow's class is at 8 AM, I don't think anyone will want to see me at that hour. Waking up early is what's going to kill me, I don't know how people function before 10. Now there is approximately four months left of waking up early, and as part of my resolution to not fail I have already bought one of my textbooks. And I am going to read it, as confusing and vague as it seems (principles of math and logic? wtf?).

Anyways I have a feeling I'm going to be disappointed with my politics class, this guy talked for an hour and twenty minutes about going to university, the guy who owns the metro grocery store in pointe-claire, his friend the plumber, how he respects tradeworkers, university, success and failure, education, teachers forcing kids to read textbooks, university, various people he's met, his three degrees at three different schools, his family and grandchildren, university, etc. the list goes on forever however one thing I know is that he DID NOT TALK ABOUT POLITICS and it took him an hour before he handed out the course outline. Then he proceeded to tell us that our vocabulary is too small and he is going to help us prepare for university, thanks but I'D LIKE TO DISCUSS POLITICS, too bad he didn't mention it at all during his monologue.

En tout cas, it was only the first class so I'll give it a chance before I unleash my wrath and subject him to harsh judgement that may or may not be warranted because he did seem like a "nice" guy (nice in quotations because he did tell this kid to "shut your jab" multiple times) however annoying and seemingly self involved he appeared.

Also, this is random but completely relevant to the topic of school, I am totes lost without my french dictionary. Totes lost.

All my teachers took up full class time on the first day, this morning feels like it was ages ago, I want to go home and sleep. I didn't even bother "dressing up" today, I wore sweatpants, at least I'm comfortable. The good thing about Liberal Arts is that I don't really have to make first impressions on anybody, people figured out I was a loser in first semester now I don't have to go through that whole awkward "not knowing anybody" period.

I've lost my schedule twice already, though once I just thought I lost it and then remembered that I had left it in my locker, and then I really did lose it and now someone can totes stalk me for the rest of my life I mean semester.

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I want to read a good book. Like, I want to sink myself into another world that only exists in the author's and my mind, a book that is so fucking good that I have to read it at breakfast and in the car and during class breaks and on the way home and every moment possible that is not spent doing something that requires interaction with other people. I want to read a book that I think about when I'm not reading it, a book that makes me want to stay home in bed to read, read, read, and finish it as fast as possible so I can read it again. Now where is a life changing book like that? I haven't read such a good, utterly gripping book since The Da Vinci Code which I read in grade 8. IT'S BEEN FOUR YEARS SINCE I'VE READ A MINDBLOWING NOVEL, WHICH I CONSIDER SUCH A LONG PERIOD OF TIME THAT I HAVE TO WRITE IT IN CAPITALS. I'm sure there have been other books that have captivated me since then. Harry Potter, for one, I love that shit. Also, The Da Vinci Code, as it turns out, was ruined by the movie, it sucked. Dan Brown's writing is awesome but I'm totes over it, I don't think I'll read The Da Vinci Code again. Harry Potter is another story (no pun intended - lame), I plan to read those books for the rest of my life. However, aside from a very small list of books, I daresay I haven't been reading anything new for a while, I always keep re-reading the books I already have. I did read the first chapter of the second Twilight book, it was lame, not even worth mentioning which is why I will cease to write about it ever again*.

So yeah, I am in search of a good novel. Of course, I will be soon bombarded with schoolwork and won't have time to read anything except textbooks, but I'm still looking anyways.


Hi, Alessia.


*I don't really mean that, it's totes possible that someday in the future I may be called upon to write about the Twilight series, what I mean is that I don't want to write about it right now or ever be forced to read the books.

"This week or last week, I don't really care about it anymore.
I write myself this later, I tell myself you let me go.
Without me, oh, what's wrong with you?
Monday, Monday, Monday."
- Tegan and Sara "Monday Monday Monday"

San Francisco Part IV - in Black and White

Continuation of some of my faves from SF..

Coit Tower at night

downtown SF

Lady making focaccia

Boarding a street car

The rest from this roll are here.

"When they call it a lover's moon
the satellite
'Cause it acts just like lovers do
the satellite
The burned out world you know
staying up all night
the satellite"
- Elliott Smith "Satellite"

San Francisco Part III - The World in Black and White

I have to say the black and white photos from my trip are my favorite. These are my favorites from among the favorites.



Amoeba record store in Berkeley. Really, really cool place.


Street music..

Dangly things they sell at sidewalk sales

Campus access information at the University of Berkeley..

Couple - waiting in line to get to Alcatraz..


Cells at Alcatraz

The rest from this roll are up on flickr. Tomorrow is part IV!

"I remember on the sidewalk when I bike up to the hills
You singing in the headphones as I told you that I will
That song again in the alleyway takes me to my door
I'll be back for more.
I'm 14 forever so don't leave me alone."
- Stars "14 Forever"

How to Succeed in Two Easy Steps

School is fast approaching. It is, it is. I'm sort of excited because once school starts it means it's that much closer to being finished which means that I can once again spend the summer attempting to get employed or else live in solitude and get fat. I'm also not excited about school for the main reason that I won't sleep for the next three months, I'm not joking, the insomnia has already started. School stresses me out. My hair is weird today, it's doing this curly thing at the back I don't like.

Anyways, I'm totes ready to get out of CEGEP and go to university. I'm planning ahead, I want to succeed. I realized that if I applied to university for the fall semester I wouldn't get in with my marks, which is a kind of unpleasant, unwelcome thought, and has thus spurned me with a desire to get! good! grades! this semester. I mean, I always want to get good grades, but more than usual this time, really. This is like a new years resolution which will probably go out the window the second I have to wake up at 6 am to catch a bus full of sweaty suits and sit through classes trying to pay attention and eat at the same time and if it's Monday, Tuesday, or Thursday then I'll be at practice thus exerting more energy that by the time I get home it's hard to lift a fork to shovel food in my mouth let alone open a textbook and use my brain which has probs turned into mashed potatos. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I am going to fail life. JK that's not what this blog is about. This post is supposed to be about how I'm going to succeed this semester. I will! get! good! grades! because my life depends on it and if that's not a hot rod up the ass then I don't know what is, besides maybe an actual burning stick of iron.

First of all, I'm writing this is so that I know I at least thought about succeeding and considered my future. Originally I had planned on writing five ways I would succeed this semester, except I can only think of two things which just goes to show how prepared I am. Though I figure doing shit like this is how I'm going to begin to not fail at life, you know? Unless I get distracted trying to write blog posts when I should be doing homework, then this will just be a big fail, like um, this blubber seal thing.

1. Positive Attitude

Uh.. lame. But seriously, how can I get through a semester and get! good! grades! without a positive attitude? I know if I don't want to work, then I won't. Therefore, I must always want to work, and I will always want to work if I'm motivated and I get the feeling that I CAN DO IT. You know what I should do? I should watch this before doing homework, besides helping me procrastinate, it inspires me to take over the world. yeswecanyeswecanyeswecanyeswecan!!!

2. Not Procrastinate

This is obviously the hardest thing ever, it's going to be my downfall, my reason for not getting enough sleep and for failing and then failing some more.

How to "not procrastinate"? I have no clue. Tips, anyone? Hints? I have never not procrastinated. Maybe I should like, do my homework at school during breaks instead of sleeping. This is hard, especially since my brain has problems functioning at all hours of the day except from 11:55 am to 12:00 pm* which is a really small window, and checking my schedule, I only have a break at that time on Monday's which effectively rules out doing things properly since it takes me five minutes to get to the library anyway.

The only third thing I can think of to help me succeed is to actually do my work, but I figure that's pretty obvious and redundant. Clearly I don't know anything about being organized, I just wing it half the time and go with the flow. Maybe success is one of those "make it up as you go along" things, like this blog.

So yeah, that's how to fail -- I mean -- succeed. For the low, low price of $20 I will share my three other secrets to success, guaranteed to work so I won't need to give you your money back. Batteries not included.


*Just kidding, I don't actually know when my brain functions properly, probably never.

"All of the things that go to make heaven and earth are here.
All of the things that go to make heaven and this.
Success was survival and kid, it still is."
- The New Pornographers "All of the Things That go to Make Heaven and Earth"

Across the Universe

Traveling is one of my passions. I was on a plane before I knew how to walk, I hope I didn't cry on the planes, I know how annoying that is. I wonder if planes were as unpleasant then as they are now? Probably. Except now they have these tv things on the seat in front of you and you can check in online or at a self check in booth to save time because time is money and since no one has money or time, I guess these additions are in fact a great stress reliever and an advancement in technology. Although they don't stop the planes from being delayed or do something about the recycled air in a pressurized cabin or turbulence which scares the holy hell out of me, sometimes I have inner panic attacks when it's really bad. I'm not complaining about planes though, seriously, in the grand scheme of things they're quite helpful, imagine having to row a boat across the atlantic? Or riding a donkey to Vancouver? Five hours on a plane is not as bad as say, 3 months to get to the same place.

Anyways, what I was saying is that traveling is a very rewarding experience. I'm infinitely glad I've had the opportunity to visit other countries, I feel priviledged and cultured. There are still loads of places I'd like to see, here are some of them.

Germany/Poland

Yes, I know these are two separate countries. But they're right next to each other so I figure I can kill two birds with one stone, yeah? Yeah. What attracts me to these two countries is the WW2 history, I'd really like to see Auschwitz, in a totes non-creepy I'm-interested-in-history kind of way. There's also things like Oktoberfest in Germany which, you know, is fun when you bring some friends. Also In grade 7 I read a book about this boy in Poland, his name was Jan.

Australia

It has been a dream of mine to visit Australia some day. In grade 8 I went around at recess and lunch and asked people to donate their change so I could go to Australia, I probably made about 10 dollars! I wanted to go so badly I even looked up flight info online, it cost $4000 for one person, I was like, "I can totally (not) do this!" I didn't think about coming back, I didn't even know that you have to stay there for like, a month, or else it's not worth it. Also I didn't take into account the gigantic spiders and bugs they have there, when I go I'm going to wear a body net like that guy whose picture I'm not allowed to post but if you scroll down you'll see it.

Greece

I took a Graeco-Roman class last semester and now I want to go to Greece. I want to drink their wine and lie on their beaches and get a mediterranean tan. For a while I didn't know that Greece was to the east of Italy, one day I looked at a map and was very surprised. Anyways, there's tons of shit to see there, like Delphi where they used to have the Delphic oracle with "priestess'" inhaling vapors from the ground that made them high so they could, you know, be "wise" and stuff. Sounds like a nice job right?

India/The Himalayas

Even I find this really random. I want to see the sherpas and yaks and eat Nepalese food and see Mt. Everest! I also want to see elephants in the streets of India and go in their temples, but I really don't want diarreah or other sicknesses you can aquire there, I just realized I'm not educated enough to go there yet. But the Taj Mahal is defs on my list of things to see.

Also I really want to go to Portland, even though I've heard there's nothing there, I just want to chill with Chris Walla.

"I've been traveling a while
haven't found a place to call my own.
I've been a million miles
still feeling all alone.
And I'm on my way back home, again."
- Jim Ward "On my way Back Home Again"

Inked Like an Octopus About to Jet

An argument that seems to come up a lot in discussions about tattoos is that you might not like it in twenty years. My answer is this: I can't not do something now in fear of what might happen in twenty years when I may or may not still be around, seriously, who knows what's going to happen? I'm not going to not enjoy something now because I think I might not enjoy it in later years. You know what else happens when you get old? Your teeth fall out and your hair falls off your head and starts growing profusely in your nose and ears but you can't tell because your eyes are so bad, and you know what that means? You probs can't see your tattoo.

Another argument is the job argument. You know, I don't really want to work for someone that doesn't accept me for who I am, and I can srsly just hear people right now telling me how naive I am and "just wait till I get into the real world", etc., but it's boring and old like you. It's okay about the job thing. I don't want to dwell on it because it seems rather unimportant to me, maybe I am incredibly naive, oh well, I won't listen because I'm stubborn and I need to have the experience in order to change my mind.

I live with no regrets. I hope when I'm 60 I remember that, when I was 18, this is what I wanted. If I've made a choice in the past that I realize I wouldn't make now then I just think that at that moment, that was how I felt. That choice felt right. I'm a big believer in following your heart, as corny as that sounds, and as much shit that has gotten me into, I'm glad that I've done it. I'm glad I've made choices based on my instinct, my gut, my heart, because had I not, I would be forever wondering, forever kicking myself trying to soothe my conscience.

The choices are mine to make, especially the mistakes. ESPECIALLY THE MISTAKES, in case you didn't read it the first time. I'd hope that my mistakes are my mistakes and not someone elses, not someone elses choice or influence. Oscar Wilde once said "experience is the name we give to our mistakes" and I'd much rather have a lot of experiences than a lot of mistakes. Also Wilde lived a flamboyant and brilliant life, and was a literary genius, thank you very much.

Some things you can't choose. You can't choose where you're born, your gender, your family, your sexuality. But there are some things you can choose. And I don't want to leave up to fate what I can take into my own hands.



"All the young punks,
laugh your life 'cause there ain't much to cry for.
All you young cunts,
live your life 'cause there ain't much to die for."
- The Clash "All the Young Punks"

If You're Going To San Francisco Part II

In preparation for

the final twist
we often document
the soon-to-be past
in hopes that we
will not be forgottenin the future.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The following were taken by my cousin Nick:

There are more, bigger and better quality, if you're interested drop me a line and I'll send them to you.

"I'm alive,
but a different kind of alive
than the way I used to be."
- Okkervil River "Starry Stairs"

If You're Going to San Francisco Part I

To begin,

Sometimes we are bigger than we think.

Sometimes we are not who we think we are.

Sometimes we are alone.

Sometimes we are not.

Sometimes we are children.

Sometimes we are a part of everything.
Sometimes we are nowhere to be found.

We are always, always beautiful.

To be continued..

Ways to Describe a Big City

Your voice sounds strange then it disappears in a puff of haze.
It's a distant sound that echoes from the underground.
Everyone moves out of the way they all want to hear what you have to say.
You say there's no connection from my brain.
It hasn't even been five minutes.