that secret that we know, that we don't know how to tell

can i tell you a secret.

'teenage dream' by katy perry plays at work and more than once it has almost made me cry. now i am listening to it on repeat but i don't know why.

last year -- december 2009 -- i was wandering up and down a street i knew too well. i was always looking for this one person without trying to make it look like i was looking for her; i was smoking cigarettes outside leaning on trees; i was stumbling down mountains and listening to bon iver and crying and desperate all the time. my money was gone and i was drunk as hell.

sometimes my secret is this: the ground is wet with snow but it is not snowing. the air is damp like it was just raining and the glow of lights reflect on the pavement. car lights. street lamps. i want to chain smoke. i am surrounded by people and all at once i am happy and sad and alone and hopeful. the night is just beginning and there are still places we haven't been.

sometimes my secret is this: i do not know the difference between being in love and wanting a mother. i am sorry. i do not know the difference.

one year ago -- december 2009 -- i was standing in the fitting room at my job. a song was making me cry. in my mind the street i seemed to always be standing on was upside down; my feet were on the sky. that's the way i walked around.

sometimes i have no secrets and it makes me feel bare but no one asks. a secret is hidden; if there is nothing to hide but no one is looking then what is there. am i secret if i don't exist. whose secret am i. what is the point of a secret if not to reveal it one day.

lately my secret has been that grey's anatomy makes me cry. i just let myself sink into this hand crafted world where people live and die with the stroke of a pen. and when parents hear that their children are dead and they break down in each other's arms, i break down too. i let myself cry over this tv show because it's easier than crying over real life.

tell me a secret if you so desire.

++

I am in love
with the way I see the world.
But I am all alone there.
- Matthew Rohrer "Hone Quarry"

i don't feel this way, but it's a beautiful line.

Day 4: I Wake Up Exhausted

This is day four of semester two. I don't know how many days there are in the semester, I could (not) easily count them but it's more exciting this way. I'll be counting weekends 'cause I want to, I'll be doing homework during them, no one is free until May. For some reason people like to keep track of things like this, at least I do, I'm super anal about "time" and my calendar. People like to put a label on things. They can't just be "nothing", they have to be "something". Today is day four.

The days are long and the nights are short. I think my Philosophy teacher is drunk. My Politics teacher is.. is.. is.. Well, it's like this. It's a bang-your-head-against-the-wall feeling, like I want to bang his head against the wall, hard, and multiple times, there's no other way to explain it. But I've had all my first classes, now I guess I have to pay attention and work. I'm watching Grey's Anatomy now, I don't know why I still watch this show, it's pretty bad and everyone knows.

So Obama is officially the 44th president of the United States. I have the inauguration taped, I haven't a chance to watch it yet what with the paying attention and work. But I bet it's nice. Nice. More on that when I watch it.

I can't really think of what to write. Do they really still have death sentences in the U.S? There's a whole website about it, apparently it's still legal. I find that very interesting, and like, strange. Almost backwards, you know? Once in grade 8 in History class we talked about this guy who was executed for murder, and then 25 years later this other guy comes and says that he was the actual murderer, and they killed the wrong guy. Anyway the innocent guy's family ended up getting like 2 million dollars or something. But this was grade 8 so my memory is probably all wrong.

Meredith Grey was looking nice in "non-doctor" clothes. Civilian clothes. This is one of my less interesting posts.

I just reread this and it makes no sense. Obvs I'm very tired. There are probably zillions of grammatical errors all over this page, I'm only hurting myself by writing more, clearly I'm not in any state to write coherently. This is how I usually start term papers, but not this semester, right, 'cause of the new years resolution. Good thing I don't have a lot of homework yet.