Thursday, October 29, 2009

I Am Not Descartes, There is no Thinking Here (today)

Hey weirdos, it's Thursday. I don't really have anything planned for Thursday in terms of this blog. I've been wondering since Sunday about what to write and I've decided that I'm going to do a photography post, since I haven't done one of those in ages. So I found a bunch of pictures that I really like and hopefully you will like them too. There is no thinking involved today. I mean if you're feeling the way I do you probably don't have the capacity to think anymore. Howevs, you should get ready because maybe possibly sometime soon a real big post is going to drop and you better be around read it.



(i got this from riese who doesn't know where she got it)



[time is an invention by people incapable of love]


(so i am not above self promotion)


If you're curious, my favorite is the Richard Prince one.

Happy Halloween, etc. I'm going to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show tomorrow night. If you're in Montreal come say hi.

Monday, October 26, 2009

We Treat Mishaps Like Sinking Ships

[modest mouse - little motel]

The remainders of a shooting star
landed directly on our broke down little car
before then we both had made a wish
that we would be missed
if one or the other just did not exist..

but that's what we're waiting for.

I would like to quote the whole song but that would be .. I don't know .. useless/waste of space/boring. Listen to the song, look up the lyrics. Have emotions.


Saturday, October 24, 2009

You Feel Hopeless and Homeless and Lost in the Haze of the Wine

Maybe Matt Bergbusch was foreshadowing Friday night when he asked "who has all your lost or stolen socks?" and I said "Brendan Collins". Miraculously, after stumbling out of a club with my face in a fucking bag supported by a person I don't even know, I still have my house keys in my pocket. I still have my cards, my phone, my money, my earphones and even my fucking lip balm. I somehow managed to get my scarf, my jacket and my hat on. But I went home today with no socks. I lost them somewhere at Brendan's house.


Are they laughing at me? I asked. I stepped in a giant puddle. I was bent over, my knees seemed to be going on opposite directions, I just saw feet and heard voices, my face in that bag.

No, she said, no one is laughing at you.

Her voice was smooth, honest.

But they were probably judging me, I thought.


It starts sometime around midnight. I'm trying to tell someone to "meet me halfway". The thing is, I don't know where halfway is. I don't know where I am, where I stand or what I want. I'm thinking that "cmonqrrw were all in between just meet me halfway" is not very romantic.

I'm laughing and crying today. I find myself ridiculous, and hopeless. And I realize this is all very real and I'm on the verge of breaking through or breaking down.


Elliott Smith glorified walking between the bars.

I've been out haunting the neighborhood
and everyone can see I'm no good
when I'm walking out between parked cars
with my head full of stars.

There was nothing glorious about the way I was carried what seemed like one hundred miles to the car. Strong hands held me, someone I didn't know.

Why are you doing this, I asked.

Why, why in the world would this stranger pick me up off the floor and drag me somewhere safe. I know I said ridiculous things like Don't leave me! and clung to her body looking for some kind of primeval comfort that I'm too shy to ask for when I'm sober. But she never even needed to come near me in the first place.

Because you're the most beautiful girl here tonight. And we have the same name!

I don't know how beautiful I was trying to choke air down while coughing my stomach up but it's hard to disagree with someone when they kiss your disgusting face and hold your hand and tell you that it's fine and tell you that it's okay, it's okay it happens to everyone.

I don't even know what she looked like.


I've been trying to force something that's not there. I know I should let it go but I can't because I'm horribly overbearing and hopeful and desperate. This is my ballad of big nothing.

and you walk
under the streetlights
and you're too drunk to notice
that everyone is staring at you
and you don't care what you look like
the world is falling around you

you just have to see her

you know that she'll break you in two.

I would live for that glance, that one look where our eyes connect for a split second before people pass between us. Countless poems and songs have been written about that moment. Romantics die for that moment.

But that moment didn't happen because you were nowhere and I could barely open my eyes.

Good thing too, because I wouldn't want you to see me that way.


It's embarassing, it's humiliating. It's public shame that I probably deserved for not knowing my limits, or not obeying them.

But it's funny how at one of my lowest moments someone came out of nowhere, lifted me onto my feet and said I was beautiful. I was trying to lie down and die and she wouldn't let me.

So there's proof that good people do exist. Though it would probably be better to forget that night -- and the details are hazy now at best -- I don't want to forget the random act of kindness bestowed on me by a complete stranger.

Next time I see someone puking their brains out I will carry them home and tell them that they're beautiful and everything's going to be all right.

slide under tidal wave by mario leko.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Well I Know What I Want, What I Want is SAINTHOOD

Listen up, guys. Tegan and Sara have this new album coming out October 27, as I've probably already mentioned it one or a million times. Crystal and I reviewed Sainthood and wrote a track by track breakdown of the whole album. Read it, bitches.

Today's music monday tuesday is SAINTHOOD.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Tumblr Saturday with Alessia the Photographer/Former Liberal Artist

Hello. It has been a while since I last posted a Tumblr Saturday. Well I've been busy so fuck you. JK. Love you. Anyways, today's guest is Alessia Pizzanelli!

I met Alessia last year in Liberal Arts. We have a facebook message thread of over 700 posts. It is so huge it makes my phone lag. A lot of those posts are me talking about Penelope Cruz (sidenote: Why is she supporting Roman Polanski I don't know I am disillusioned I just want Penelope to look pretty and know that rape is rape and not "rape" when you're famous. Ya know?). Alessia decided one day that she was going to leave Liberal Arts to study something more practical, like photography. I'm still bitter, but she's awesome. We always say we're going to have photography days but then we never do. Alessia says things like "guys" even though she's only talking to one person. She also falls asleep everywhere and likes sushi. GUYS SHE'S GONNA BE A FAMOUS PHOTOGRAPHER JUMP ON THE BANDWAGON NOW.



"you are what you love, not what loves you." -adaptation (the movie, in case clarification was needed)


[my conversations with alessia....]
Emily: um..the spanish armada has attacked me and won. shit.
Emily: you know, i think the title 'invincible' is a curse. anything given a name like 'invincible', 'unsinkable', 'undefeatable' is destined to fail. ex: invincible armada, titanic, dawson blues.
Emily: ok i know what the problem is. my topic is a historic event. how can i analyse it without describing it? yours is theology which has more arguments than "who won the war" obvs spain had an epic fail with the armada. i can only write about the consequences and i don't really know what those were.
Emily: tom cruise is 46 years old.
Emily: since 6:22 i have written.. 183 words. i'm going to pretend that's an accomplishment. & i'm tired and want to sleep/don't want to go to english/going to fail math/suicide
Alessia: emiliussssss i am back! i think we should both skip english, yes? ;)



Wednesday, October 14, 2009

If You Want it to be Real Come Over For One Night and We Can Really, Really Climb

No attempt is made to explain away
the things that really, really, really, really, really are behind.
You can't hide.
- Okkervil River "For Real"


I found out on the metro, I mean -- I realized what I already knew -- that you're never going to call again. I figure that's okay, I guess. I tried/didn't try/didn't know what I was doing. But this is what I want you to know: no one knows what they're doing. It was my first time being born, my first time being 6, and 7, and 8, and feeling death -- my first time having a dead mother -- I don't know how to react -- does anyone? -- my first time in high school, first time learning the history of quebec, the geography of other people's bodies and mouths and hearts. It's my first time being 18, my first time living this day -- october 14th 2009 -- I'm never going to see this day again -- but how do I know what to do with it? So when I walked past you in the hall, so when I gave her that note, so when I avoided him on the way home; I was just living in my own weird way. I don't know if I'm doing it right. There's no instruction manual. I don't know if I should've said something else, or if this gets easier or more vivid. I don't think living gets easier, it just gets stranger. If I'm confusing it's because I'm confused.

I started reading the first couple of pages of this book and on page two I was told "love and ideals are not actually real". Oh, okay. I see it now.

Maybe it's because I have neither that I think this is untrue. Maybe I've read too many books, seen too many hollywood movies with romantic endings. Maybe I've been listening to too many songs that tell me love is the best sensation hiding in the lion's mane. I want love to be real, I need love to be real. I need ideals to be real because I idealize love in the worst way.

I slipped her a note in class, sat back and thought My life is a joke. After class she turned around, "Was this you who wrote this?"
"Is this real?"


I'm just using you so I'll have a story to tell. So do your worst and I'll write my best. That's all I could ever hope for -- an experience so brilliant it will lift the words off the page. I'm running low on gas and I've kind of given up on you -- you, you'll never call. But now I'm asking you, come on, make it hurt! You're not killing me the way I want you to.

Come on, idealized love. I know you're real, I've felt you moving in me before.

And now I'm a walking contradiction. I wrote some days before -- notes in my phone -- But you're like, a real person. And I'm not. You're the kind of person who won't call back. And I'm not. I'll make you larger than you are. I'll write you into fiction, make you beautiful and smooth. But you're still real, you're just somebody else. I'm real too, but to other people. Maybe I passed you once before, before I knew you, and we slid by each other -- our worlds so close to touching -- your eyes straight, my head turned -- I didn't know you'd be real to me one day. Am I still outside your line?


I spend my days learning. I learn the curve of the hallways -- where the A wing is, the elusive F -- which bathrooms to use and when -- where to go when I'm alone -- and where to get on the metro so the doors open right in front of the stairs.

And when someone asks you if this is real, the answer is "Yes. Yes, of course it is." Because if this isn't real then I have nothing. If love isn't real then I -- we -- truly have nothing. You may call, or not. We might brush so close to each other again someday, maybe tomorrow. But I'll never have this day back, or that note, or this particular feeling walking home in a frustrated sorrow. I'll never be 6 again, or 7, or 8, my mom will never die again, I'll never be in high school for the first time. I'll learn new curves -- elbows and shoulders, lips -- meet other 'you''s and write other stories -- but I still won't know what I'm doing. It will still be the first time, it will still count, it will still be real. And I'll be here, taking notes.

Yes, this is real. This is very, very real.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

In Which I Scan Random Things And Talk About How THE FUTURE IS BRIGHT!

On Friday I'll be on a long train ride to New York. On Saturday I'll be driving to DC to participate in the March on Washington which should be a fun new experience as I have never really held signs or shouted things with a real purpose before (such is the quiet, Canadian life). We here at the shoreline receding believe in equal rights for all human beings and illegal aliens (and in case you're wondering, we are also pro-choice and think that polygamy should be legal). Really, I just wanna marry kcdanger and move to NYC.

I'll be going with and if you are a reader then I hope to see you there, and if you're part of the team then I hope to tackle you in a giant panda hug.

It's unlikely that I'll be posting again until next Wednesday or Thursday because I'll be very busy trying to make the world a better place. You can make the world a better place too, go tell someone you love them and mean it.

Since I have nothing much else to say right now, here are some scans of shit I found on my desk and a picture of me which I'm sure you will love. Also I think scanned things look cool.


the price of a one way ticket from penn station to nanuet is $8.50. i never used this because i got lost. clearly nj transit is NOT the way to go.

does that say papaya? how we communicate at autostraddle

to-do list. only one thing crossed off. decided that cleaning my whole room was too ambitious and just went for the desk. did not even complete that. #fail.

notes for moxie fucking crimefighter post

another to-do list in which i fail epically at actually doing things.

brooke explains how business works.

now you know how much cuter i used to be.

the future is bright, my friends.
Have a good thanksgiving weekend!

Monday, October 5, 2009

With All Your Lies, You're Still Very Loveable

[bon iver - for emma]

Thanks to Brendan for introducing me to Bon Iver.

Go find another lover.. to bring a, to string along.



Spend the time it takes to smoke two cigarettes in the company of someone and someone else. It's a good way to start if you don't ask questions and a bad way to begin if you're looking for answers. If you turn your head in the wrong direction you will see the wrong things. Now, if you ignore the small voice in your head that says "intervene" then you will be faced with silence and small defeat. Fractions of seconds inside someone else will do little to satisfy the cravings. Wait outside. Wait inside. Run down the stairs. Then, beaten from all the beatings you inflicted on yourself, take the crowded metro and stand in crowded areas while listening to the whistling of workers who whittle their way home.

For all love has escaped me so far, and I will spend lifetimes chasing it again.


At night, lying on warm rocks
I hear whipporwills answer
each other. Their timing is
sexual. I'm too stupid
to realize it's lonely, it's
an echo. I am in love
with the way I see the world.
But I am all alone there.
- Matthew Rohrer "Hone Quarry"

Thursday, October 1, 2009

I've Waited a Lifetime Now Maybe I've Learned

(Before you read this I want you to know that today is the first day of October and therefore you should go eat many candy corns and also there is no real point/profound meaning to this post. Enjoy.)


"How do you know if it's worth the risk? I haven't learned my lesson. I can't tell the future. I will make my own choices and take the blame."
-journal; april 5, 08

"This is neverending. I'm the same person I used to be. I haven't learned, I haven't grown. I'm walking in circles."
-journal; sept 8, 08

"should i
should i
should i
if i do --
crying, stupid, fumbling, no words
i.e idiot
but i'm 16 again
and this is the same
i will not learn."
-journal; may 21, '09


So this is what I know: I know very little. I'm unsure of the things I'm sure of. I doubt my memories, wonder what is real. I wonder who the hell are these other people and what it means to exist. And I know I'm not alone. That's the terrible irony about being alone, though, is there are 6 billion people who all feel the same way, standing next to each other, not talking.

It's easy to feel alone. All you have to do is just .. be alone.

I've learned how to deal with loneliness in a way. I used to truly think I was the only sad person on the planet. It seems ridiculous now, but then, everyone was smiling and I was broken. Now I know better. Now I know we're on the verge of breaking, alone, together. I used to think the only people who understood me were far away.

They don't understand me.

But then again, neither do I.

I've learned not to think about it too much. The simplest way to move forward is to let things go. The heavier your heart, the harder it is to just do things. It's hard to breathe sometimes. If you just shrug your shoulders, if you sigh and take a nap, maybe you'll feel better. How do you grow up? Grow up. You just do.

"There's no way to grow that don't hurt."
- Iron & Wine "Sacred Vision"


I never felt like I learned much at the time. School seemed kind of pointless. There other things I would've liked to learn, things I was confused about but didn't know how to ask. I had feelings I couldn't put a name on. I wish someone would've told me it was okay. I wish I would've had the courage to stand up for myself -- if you think the only kinds of people who get picked on in high school are the shy, overweight kids, you're wrong.

"It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies,
but just as much to stand up to our friends."
- Dumbledore "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone"

I read Harry Potter in elementary school but so did that "overweight, nerdy" type guy so I never told anyone. In high school I found out that half my friends were reading Harry Potter secretly. We just didn't want to be "uncool". We didn't want to be associated with that guy we made fun of every day.

I would hate 2001 me now. But that's just how life is, right? There's no way to not grow.

There is no such thing as uncool. The people I love are all different. I'm proud of the way I've grown. I never want to judge another human (as hard as it is) for the rest of my life, because I know what it's like. I always felt like I was on the outside looking in on something so much better than whatever I had. This is what I've learned: there is nothing better on the inside of someone else's life than what you have inside yourself. Being myself is the only way I've ever found happiness, if that's what I have at all.

"Though we say goodbye and wonder
what's to know and who's to blame
but to be myself completely I will love you just the same."
- Belle and Sebastian "Be Myself Completely"


I hope you learn humility by being humiliated and honesty by being cheated.

I can love you better now.

love goes a long way..