Things That Are Killing Me Slowly

1. academia

2. my uterus

3. winter

4. the patriarchy

This Is The Story of a Girl

This is the story of Emily Choo who went to buy a bottle of wine at the grocery store on a Sunday evening and never returned. She disappeared into a vortex combination of insanity and patheticism. She didn't even care that patheticism is not a word. It all started when she saw the family sized pack of oreos on sale for $2.99. "Sweet deal!" she said and grabbed a box. Then she continued to the wine section, where she was disappointed by the lack of $6.99 bottles of white wine. Thinking she might have to pick red, her eye was suddenly caught by $7.39 boxed wine. Feeling as pleased as one can feel when buying a giant pack of oreos and boxed wine, she proceeded to the checkout counter where she promptly burst into flames and disappeared into said vortex of shame and madness and patheticism.

Inside the vortex Emily had a hard look at her life. She went to Concordia, not McGill; she studied Creative Writing, not "Business"; and she was drinking wine from a box (did it even matter that she couldn't find a glass at this point?). "I can name all the countries in the world!" She said, hanging on to this one useless skill as a shining point of her life. "I can name all the countries in the world and all the state capitals and the capitals of countries in Europe and South America," said her friend Rachel. "Fuck," said Emily, and overdosed on oreos. "Is it because I listened to dubstep?" she asked. "Because I swear to you, I don't even really know what dubstep is."

Then, seemingly from all around, a voice spoke:

"hi i'm oscar i'm your cat you went to the grocery store in your pyjamas that's just sad, and i have literally been asleep all day."

"Oscar! Kitty! I feed you! Help me!" Emily cried out. "Where are you?"

"hi i am on your bed getting hair all over your pillow. first of all, turn off that shitty music and put a bra on. second of all, get yourself a wine glass, girl. thirdly, write your goddamn midterm and don't forget to take out the garbage tonight ok."

And like a phoenix born out of its own ashes, Emily was thrown out of the vortex into her apartment where she could confirm that Oscar indeed was getting hair all over her pillow.

"hi no fucks to give," he said.

10,000 tonnes happiness and sadness

hi i'm oscar and today i bring you an anecdote of emily in china when she went in a little book shop and bought a tiny cup with a picture of a whale on it that says "10,000 tonnes happiness and sadness" and gave it to her father as an espresso cup.

she says nobody understands 10,000 tonnes happiness and sadness. also she says that they all say "this isn't chinese" as if everything from china has to be in chinese.

i think that maybe some people don't get it because they have never experienced 10,000 tonnes happiness and sadness. emily has because she is bipolar and insane. maybe if you are reading this you are also insane and know what i'm talking about.

now i recently completed my studies in psychology so i know a lot about happiness and sadness. i know 10,000 tonnes of it, you might say. i know why emily thinks the expression is cool. it is because sometimes you might feel like you can hold happiness and sadness in your hand. a whole whale of happiness and sadness. your body is a vessel for feelings. i am a cat so my body is a vessel for snacks. one day you might feel so happy that you think you might float away on a cloud of medium-thickness into the bright blue sky. then the next day you might feel like your body is an anchor pulling you to the bottom of the sea where you will drown. i learned metaphors in my english class it was mandatory as part of my phd. it is possible to feel like you have 10,000 tonnes of feelings inside you.

ok does everyone understand 10,000 tonnes happiness and sadness now? plz incorporate this into your vocabulary so that when emily speaks you know what she's talking about. it is important that you at least pretend to know what she's talking about.

hi i'm dr. oscar bluth-wilde

hi i'm dr. oscar bluth-wilde and i'll be taking over this blog for a little while while emily allows herself to continue in a downward spiral by watching charmed every night until 3am.

yes, i just want you to know that i have been taking online classes and i have received my phd in psychology so i am now a doctor. you may call me dr. oscar or just oscar that's ok too. since i am just getting my practice started i am offering for a limited time only free counselling sessions at any time of the day or night as long as i am not napping or eating or playing. i have a very busy day schedule so please keep in touch regularly with my secretary if you want to make an appointment. also if you have any advice questions you want to ask now you can do that in the comment section or in cat, kind of like ask annie only it's ask oscar and i am smarter than annie. she is an idiot.

ok so in celebration of my phd there will be a party on the internet it starts now and ends never. please bring snacks or else you can't come.