The Vanishing Act (blindsided)

i.

We pick a day on the calendar and circle it, then count down till we get there. Then we get there. What happens now? What do I do?

We're counting down and recounting and going and continuing on this road and if we just stayed on this train no one would ever know.

No one knows we're here.

Mum?

ii.

Why'd you leave? No one asked you to, except me. But that was a secret. It was a secret wish I made to myself, never even said aloud. Did you know? I could never even touch you. I think I made you cry. I made my grandma cry once. Once again it was my own fear, because I live my life in fear. I'm terrified of everything you loved. I can't plant tulips in the garden, I can't sew, or pick up seashells on the beach. I lost your letters, I lost your card, I lost your scarves, and your wedding dress when we moved. Children scare me because they have things I never did, and never will. And if my child hates me too? And if I vanish just like you? And if I'm still so mad that I don't do it just to spite you, just to end it here? 'Cause I'm the last one, I'm the last kid you ever had.

iii.

Why is life so fragile?

I Didn't Reply To Your Letter 'Cause I'm Not An Idiot

[an horse - little lungs]

this is my favourite an horse song. i just got back from a 2 and a half day luxurious "camping" trip and have basically just chosen this song at random because the real way that i'm feeling is kind of like a fleet foxes song but i did that last week.

and i thought i had ruined it all,

and i thought i was living in hell,

but i get it now,

yes, i get it now.

i had a terrible notion of romance

remember the airborne toxic event. sunday night. remember standing right in front of him. remember i don't remember some things. remember 'sometime around midnight'. "this is the song everyone came for". remember the lines "she leaves with someone you don't know" and it made me think of you and everyone who ever left. i didn't see that one coming. it punched me in the stomach. felt like i should've known. felt stupid. tried to forget you. didn't. what a jerk. but then remember 'innocent'. did not know what that one was about. sounded pretty good. made me think of empty apartments. i just said that because it's what i'm thinking about right now.

it was nice to forget other things for a while. could not forget you. could not forget montreal at night. remember papineau. remember mount-royal. remember metro stations in the dark. tim horton's closed. remember singing together. remember being together. remember being separate. remember being different entities. i don't know what that means. i type words and they don't mean anything sometimes.

remember blue dog. no. i wasn't there. remember that other place. i hate that place. remember the little rain. remember prince arthur. that was a different night. remember that guy with the stupid hair. another night. remember when i tried to fold st-laurent in half. remember the stars in the back of my eyelids. no one saw those but me. i didn't see the real sky that night.

remember my hand on your chest. remember pushing off. remember the stairs. remember the sink. remember the contents of the garbage bag. no. it was empty. it was empty. my stomach was empty. it was red. why did i call at all. because of the airborne toxic event. because of romance. i hate romance. their song ate me up. i played it in my head. where is blue dog.

i hate the chemicals in my brain. i hate the imbalance. i hate the lightheaded heaviness of my marble mind my heavy mmmmmmmmmiiiiiiiinnnnnnndddddd

she leeeeeeaves

no one came. people thought i made it up. they thought it was a story. i do that sometimes. i never do that. it's all real. link to blog post about realness. remember when i had cigarettes in my bag. remember when i gave her one. i offered it. want a cigarette. want one. take one. then up the stairs. one table in a tiny room. remember the people dancing on the table. back down the stairs. back on st-laurent; we never leave. puddles in the concrete cracks. back to that other time. remember the long brown hair. remember the wailing. the horrible sounds in the back of my throat. remember the empty air. the buildings and the ground. the ground on my knees. the building resting on my hand. everything was upside down.

remember how i thought of you. remember the tree outside biftek. remember the bookstore beside it. remember the cold steps. some nights they're empty. some nights they're full. why did you say you were something you're not. why did you look through my insides. i've never felt so invisible. why did you let me on. why did were you so cold. remember when you had blonde hair. remember when i passed you on the street so many years ago. it feels like years. remember when that mattered.

two dollar chow mein, sweat, sweaters, broken tables, eyes closed, no-good-dirty-rotten-shoes brains-split-open missed-connections space misunderstandings space and names space too-good-to-be-true-timing space $4 beer space vodka tonics space the airborne toxic event and you.

i made a mistake. they've hated me ever since. everything is safe now.

++

no updates till monday.

Penniless and Tired, With Your Hair Grown Long

[fleet foxes - he doesn't know why]

jumping on the fleet foxes bandwagon. they make me think of being on the top of a mountain. it makes you feel tiny but pretty good at the same time.

these next two weeks are going to test the endurance of my soul. i would love it if it was may already.

The "L" Word

By "The L Word" I obviously mean "left-handed". I have no idea if this is a widely known fact, but it is well established in my brain that being left handed is cooler than being right handed. Left handed people are generally more artsy (something sciency about brains and whatever) and being left handed is a really great metaphor for being gay. Laura the Left Handed Lesbian told me that left handed people die on average 7 years earlier than right handed people. This is because the world is made for right handed people. I don't know where Laura got this fact from, she could have made it up and I wouldn't know because I don't fact-check anything. Life is really hard for lefties. Did you know that if you were a left handed child in the olden days your parents would probably make you write with your right hand because the left hand is the hand of the devil? Probs you did know that.

Anyways, I think left handed people are really cool and I can't help but notice whenever I see someone using their left hand. But also I usually notice quirky things about people anyway, and I'm pretty good at remembering birthdays. Anyways, without further ado, here are some really awesome left handed people from history and real life. (i know that didn't make sense but i feel like leaving it so suck it).

+Barack Obama

Look at Barack Obama signing important documents w/ his left hand.

+Tina Fey

And you thought Tina Fey couldn't get any fucking cooler.

+Justin Bieber

Yeah I dunno the person I like really likes Bieber so by default I'm more inclined to like him in a lesbian kind of way.

+Oprah

I couldn't get a picture of Oprah using her left hand but here's a video of her signing autographs!

+Motherfucking Napoleon Bonaparte

This looks like it could be a painting of Napoleon signing something OH LOOK HERE'S NAPOLEON ON HIS HORSE

+Helen Fucking Keller

So for about 18 years I thought Helen Keller died when she was 13. TURNS OUT SHE WAS 88.

+Leonardo Da Vinci obviously

So obvs I have no way to verify if Da Vinci was left-handed, but I mean c'mon. Actually I think he was probably ambidextrous because that guy could do anything.

+Angelina Jolie OH EM GEE YOU GUYS

Okay, I did not know Angelina was left-handed. Look at those veins on her arm! I love veins.

+Paul McCartney

Paul looks like a badass here.

+Laura Wooley +Lily Icangelo

I don't know if they will allow their pictures but they are both left handed and gay which is 10000% more fascinating than anything else ever. Plus they are both special snowflakes in their own right.

If you are interesting in see more famous left handed people then you should check out the links that I used here and here. However I'd like to note that neither Marilyn Monroe nor Albert Einstein were left handed, to my disappointment. People keep asserting that Einstein was left handed but a quick google image search shows him using his right hand, so.

"your shoes are always the same, and don't travel very far."

for sale: baby shoes, never worn.

- ernest hemingway

mother, forgive me, i sold your car for the shoes that i gave you.

- iron & wine

++

this is the first page of a book. right here. this line.

this is where i usually write words about things. this spot right here.

this is where i connect the title to the content. this is where you say "oooh."

in this case, shoes.

shoes. this is where i put a picture of shoes.

this is the space where the picture of shoes goes.

this is where i make some point about something. this is where you re-read the sentence.

this is where i write things not about shoes. but it's still kind of about shoes.

this is where it stops making sense. this is where you wish there were more pictures.

this is where i try to make it make sense again. this is where it doesn't.

shoes. this is where you imagine shoes in your mind.

this is the time where you look away from the screen to think about

shoes.

this is where you come back. it starts to make sense again.

this is where i wrap up my point. this is where you wonder if you should buy new shoes.

this is where i finish. almost there.

this is the end. right after this period.

this is where you scroll up to look at the picture of

shoes.

and now you are back. even though this post is finished.

you are still reading this. this is where you remind yourself of my final point.

you are wondering what it means. the author wishes to tell you that it means nothing.

you think it probably has something to do with shoes. you are right.

shoes.

I Will Make it Through This Year if it Kills Me

[the mountain goats - this year]

I am going to make it through this month if it kills me.

Things waiting for me in May:

+relaxation without guilt.

+the end of school.

+warmer weather.

+happiness?

+summer.

+a really, really cute girl.

(credit)

The Different Kinds of Shoppers at American Eagle

After working at American Eagle for a while, I've come to recognize various types of shoppers. There are many. Most of them suck, but every once in a while someone really fun to serve comes along. Obvs not all people fit into these categories. Most of them do because, newsflash, we're all the same. If you work in retail, or in a walk-in store, you probably know these people.

+The Silent Shopper

This customer doesn't speak English, French, or any known language. When you ask them a question they stare blankly at you. You assume they don't want your help.

+I Don't Need Your Help

These are the people who think they know the store better than you. They don't look at you when you ask if they need help with anything, they just keep walking and say to the air "no, thanks". These people will never make eye-contact with you. They think of you as a silly child and wonder why you're bothering them with questions like "what size are you looking for?" when they're destroying all your hard work looking for a shirt at the bottom of the pile.

+The Teenyboppers

The teenybopper is never alone. Usually they come in groups of 3 to an entire classroom of children. They never buy anything, they just mess up the shirts you just spent an hour folding. They try on 8+ items and then leave them all in the fitting room. Then they stand around and talk and be loud and touch things and leave their candy everywhere.

+"I'm In a Rush"

This customer makes a beeline for the nearest employee. They demand your immediate attention. They are looking for something specific, usually for somebody else because they got the size wrong last time. They want you to find one item in the entire store and they want you to find it now. They're very busy and will tell you so. They also assume that you are not busy even though you're helping someone else. Sometimes this customer will come in 10 minutes before close.

+I'm Looking for Something That Doesn't Exist

There are 2 different types of this kind of customer:

1) They describe something with such precision and claim that it was on the website and yet it is nowhere to be found. Or they want you to search the entire backstore for it.

2) They saw something in American Eagle in a different store than the one you're working at in 2005 and are wondering if you still have it.

+I Want to Try on Everything in the Store

Though this customer is usually friendly and open to suggestions, the downside is that they will literally try on everything you suggest. This is the customer who will spend $500+. They will also take forever and will want new sizes in everything. They want your opinion about two jeans that look exactly the same. Usually it is a family or at least more than one person. Sometimes they will come when you're about to close and stay half an hour after you've already shut the doors.

+The Dudes

Dudes are pretty easy shoppers. They listen to you while you try to describe a pair of jeans they might like even though you're a girl and don't know anything about boy jeans. They try on 1-3 pairs, find one that fits, and buy it. Usually spends about 10-20 minutes in store.

+The Couple

They want to kiss next to the shelf you need to get something down from. They hold hands. One will say "I don't like that colour" and the other won't buy it because they don't have a mind of their own. Either they will keep coming back to the fitting room to try on different things and think it's a really fun date to go shopping together or they will just walk around being annoying and in love without buying anything.

+The Grandmother

Two types of grandmothers:

1) Shopping for her grandchildren. Has no idea what to buy. Will buy pretty much whatever you say is "cool".

2) Shopping for herself. Likes cardigans. Will buy pretty much whatever fits/is comfortable.

+The Space Shopper

This customer is lost in space. They walk in quickly, never stop at a table but look around at everything. Like the "I don't need your help" customer, they don't like eye-contact or help. They never touch anything in the store, do one quick walk around, and leave after 30 seconds. This customer only serves to lower your conversion rate.

+The Angry Mother

Is sometimes combined with "I don't need your help", "I'm in a rush", and "looking for something that doesn't exist". This customer is shopping for her children. She isn't sure what size they are because they are growing. She asks you lots of questions about the promotions and sales. She will interrupt you and try to outsmart you. She wants that 30% discount. She thinks you are stupid and uses "that tone of voice" with you. You know, the reprimanding one. She is impatient at the cash register. She'll also check over her receipt in case you made any mistakes, and when you don't she will glare shiftily at you as if you tried to deceive her in any way. Her look is one of "just because I didn't catch you, doesn't mean you didn't do it".

+The Family

This is a crossover between "I want to try on everything in the store", "I don't need your help", "the grandmother", and sometimes even "the ideal shopper" featured below. They need a lot of different sizes. They crowd the fitting room. They always want your attention. The plus side is that they are willing to spend hundreds of dollars. Can spend over an hour in the store.

+The Ideal Shopper

The ideal shopper can potentially make you love your job. They come in, have an idea of what you want but will let you suggest other things that might interest them, they are polite and smile a lot, they try things on with the intention of buying them, thank you profoundly for your help, feel really good about themselves, and walk away with a new pair of jeans. They are patient when you are looking for a size and they recognize that you may have to help other people at the same time. The ideal shopper is 18+ years of age, and actually wants your help.

This is One of Those Posts Where I Write a Random Poem About My Day

I can't stop thinking of you,

and my stomach,

which hungers for love more than my heart,

which seems full,

already,

full of bits of stuff and bits of fluff,

little pieces of misplaced

I-don't-know-whats.

++

I love you more than birds, which are free
and love is free and boundary-less.
I like you more than that.
Birds are tangible,
three-dimensional,
edible.
Love is quick to catch fire,
sparks,
embers burn long into the night.
I love you longer than night,
longer than the spread of eagle's wings,
the length of light from the sun on water.
Love is not so measurable as the sky,
which has limits,
but not the mind, which is so easily interrupted
but steady in its perseverance.

++

"I'm over him," she said,

but something about her tone

and the way she flipped her hair

made me think,

No you're not.

It occurred to me,

hours later,

that I couldn't remember her name.

Then,

more hours later,

I wondered if I ever

knew it in the first place.

"This is where I used to live," she said,

"and this is the high school I went to."

I said something,

but she didn't hear.

She was lost in a memory,

and I wondered

if she was even talking to me.

Later,

I laughed about it

but it wasn't funny.

The realness,

the closeness,

the tangibility of it all.

It confirmed my suspicion

that nothing,

if anything,

lasts.

It was three-dimensional

and edible,

so they ate it,

and it was gone.

I've a Picture of You On Our Favourite Day By the Seaside

[iron & wine - bird stealing bread]

it's really hard to choose a favourite iron & wine song because they're all really good, but this one definitely has to be at the top of the list.

tell me, baby, tell me

do you carry the words

around like a key or chain?

i've been thinking lately

of a night on the stoop

and all that we wouldn't say.

if i see you again

on the street by the beach

in the evening,

will you fly like a bird

stealing bread out from under my nose?

(credit)

I'm Not Really Sad, I'm Just Trying to Become a Better Person

but then i thought, "what if i never grow up?" i mean legitimately grow up. what if i'm stuck in this awkward year where my parents still do my laundry but i buy my own toothpaste and i take the bus to school and i can't drive and i don't know how to do banking or

there's a fear of growing up, but what if i just don't? what if i'm that person who can't do things for themselves? what if i can't have real relationships with people or if i live with my parents forever and they wash the dishes every night, what if i never learn to be a person, what if all my friends grow up and blow away...

and what happens if i can't get a job? what happens when i forget how to learn? will i have my own set of cutlery will my bed always feel so big and empty who will pay for my retainer to be fixed? who will say "i'm sorry", who will apologize, who will take the blame who will feel bad feel pity who will look down at me and say i'm sorry i failed and will i say i'm sorry i failed i never ever ever grew up i just never never learned i just stuttered and stuttered all my life.

what happens if i never figure out how to cook a chicken? what happens if i forget how to use the toaster? what happens if my hands fall off!? what happens if i forget how to write, do people suddenly become illiterate what happens if that's me, that's me, that's me. what happens if no one reads my book what happens if i don't write a book because my hands fell off and my eyes fell out and i have no goddamn legs. i'm just a box, i'm just a box, i'm a square and is someone sorry now, will someone take the blame, will someone claim responsibility for the empty cardboard box out there on recycling day?

what if i never learn how to tell a good plum from a bad plum or where the potato section is, what if i can't pay my library fines what if i can't find the library? what if i disappoint my grandmother? who is going to write about me? does anyone listen in class? what if i'm the person who forgets how to ride a bike? and i have to learn twice? my legs are gone! i just wanna wear suave shoes again. cardboard legs and cardboard shoes recycle me. i don't wanna cycle, recycle revenge. if i ever go away, who will buy me tea?

what if i have feelings and no one else has so many feelings and i drown other people, what if i drown people with me. like what if who i am is too big. what if i am a giant ocean wave, enveloping bodies and beaches and sand -- what if when i write i actually sound like obasan, the worst novel ever.

and what if i screw it up, what if my feelings consume me. what if i screw it up by being afraid of screwing up.

one day the lights will go out in my room and they will not turn on again. one day the boxes will be filled, they will be moved and loaded onto a van, the house will empty, the walls will be bare. one day we just will not be there.

[all pictures from before i die i want to]

++

I have thought about it and I have decided that my greatest fear is not dying, not not living, not "moving forward", but ignorance. More than being ignorant or naive, I don't want to be stupid. I don't want to think I know things but get them wrong. Socrates wouldn't like that. I never want to drown in my own confusion. I hope that I always strive to be better, be smarter. I hope I never settle for anything less than I deserve. I hope I stop thinking that I don't deserve happiness. I hope I never forget what learning actually is. I hope I never forget the person that I am right now, and the things I believe in. I hope that people never listen to me and think to themselves that I am stupid or that I don't know what I'm talking about. I hope I always present myself as an intelligent, well-read, creative woman. I hope that my intelligence never goes away -- I don't care what I look like, how tall or short I am, where I live -- I hope that I never stop reading and thinking and solving because that is the core of who I am.

Read my book, 'cause it's gonna be written.