Whatever I Was Then I Can't Ever Be Again

i carved a heart out of wood in my woodshop class in grade 8. the machines scared me. i was scared of getting my fingers cut off. i thought it would be a good idea to carve your initials in the wood, thought it would be romantic even if i was the only one who would ever see it. and there i was, pretending i could hold forever in my hands, pretending there was something i knew to be true beyond all doubt.

one day i found my wooden heart with your initials on it, sitting on my desk. i took a pencil and scratched out your name. it was a long time ago.

in retrospect, and only in retrospect does the world seem less obvious.

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