Thursday, June 17, 2010

So Sick of Being Tired and Oh So Tired of Being Sick

There are a few things causing problems in my life right now.

I cannot register at Concordia until Monday. This causes problems for a few reasons. Namely, anxiety. Guys, I can't sleep. I'm not even joking. For the past two days I have wanted to throw a brick at my wall because all the classes I want to take are full. I have made a mock schedule and it causes me anxiety to rearrange it. It causes me anxiety to think of all the other people who are registering right now and taking up spots in the classes that I don't want to take but will have to take because the other ones are full. If I have to read Joy Kogawa's Obasan again I will drop out of college immediately.

The reason I took so long to start the registration process at Concordia was because I was waiting to hear from UBC which only sent my acceptance on May 14. Then Laura came and I was distracted. Then I called Concordia and they only scheduled my academic advising session for June 14.

Making a schedule is really hard. I think I must've been concussed when I decided to major in Creative Writing. Probably I should have looked at the degree requirements and the classes and maybe talked to an advisor about this stuff, but I didn't, I applied 2 days before the deadline and then through word of mouth I heard that it was a really good program, and still I didn't look at the courses and now I'm here in this spot, confused because I just want to write stories and I don't want to read Margaret Atwood and I don't want to study 18th century drama. I feel like maybe I should've known that Creative Writing is actually English Literature in Disguise with Four Creative Writing Classes to Throw You Off.

Sometimes I think I'm stupid. Not stupid like, 'I can't solve this math problem', but stupid like there's something that I'm missing. There's something about my life that I don't understand, that I don't get, when I finally do get it I'll have this "ooooohhhh" moment where everything makes sense and I can live my life better, but then I think that maybe there is no moment of revelation and as soon as I stop being so naive and realize that this is it, there is nothing else to "get", then I can come to terms with the fact that Modern Poetry in English is full and I can get on with my life.

But I can't stop thinking that maybe it will open up.

I think I just care a lot, you know? "I just want life in every word, to the extent that it's absurd" (and if this was an academic essay I would probs do some MLA shit right here, like, "Gibbard, Clark Gable", or something). Anyways. The point is that sometimes life is hard! And confusing! And no one wants to help you! And I want all of it, all of life. And you think one thing but it's really another thing and you feel cheated and upset, but maybe 17th Century Prose & Poetry is not as bad as it sounds (who am I kidding? It probably is) (but life goes on) (is what I'm trying to say).

5 comments:

Lucia said...

Often people drop out of papers in the first few days of classes, so you can probably get into the papers you want to do. I don't know how your classes work, if enrolment is through professors or the uni, I have a friend who did a year at UNC and she just showed up to tutorials until the professor enrolled her. Here we do all our enrolment online and you only have to go in if you need to get special permission or something, which is good for convenience but also means you can take papers that don't even count towards your major without realising and without meaning to. Summary: don't stress! Also, some papers that sound really awful end up being fun, it basically depends on who is teaching it and what the assessment is like. Blargh uni.

saint modesto said...

lucia: it's online which is so annoying! but maybe someone will drop out of a class later and i'll take their spot. blargh uni is right.

Ari said...

I just want to write stories and I don't want to read Margaret Atwood and I don't want to study 18th century drama. I feel like maybe I should've known that Creative Writing is actually English Literature in Disguise with Four Creative Writing Classes to Throw You Off.

I wish "But I did all that in Liberal Arts" was a get-out-of-jail-free card.

This post makes me think about how "Arts" is in the program name but there's nothing much creative about Liberal Arts. Maybe the "Creative" in Creative Writing is something in the same vein. Good luck with the hellish system... I'm still working with stupid Dawson's stupid registration.

saint modesto said...

ari: right?? whatever, i'm hoping, perhaps naively, that creative writing will be different from liberal arts. good luck with dawson, registering made me cry last semester.

Anonymous said...

me too!!!

because this stupid advising session
I can't do anything
even i saw the courses which i want, i can't add courses!!!

fuck!

i am going crazy too!

they cause problems for us! they make things difficultly