Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Life's Unanswerable Questions: Day 38

What day is it? Day 38! I'm losing track! This is getting stupid! I feel like there was something I had to tell you guys but I really can't remember right now. Anyways I'm about to go on a rant about nothing, enjoy.

It's up for grabs. You know that feeling when you're in between something? Like late May when school is done but summer hasn't officially started. I've got that feeling now, like I'm waiting for something, waiting for the next wave of life to come at me. I don't really know what to do with myself, all my events seemed poised for the "distant" future. What's happening tomorrow? I really have no clue. It's up for grabs. Does anyone want to make my day? Can I make my own day exciting? The weeks are passing pretty quickly. I was surprised to find how close we are to midterms. It's a nervous excitement, a sort of wonder that it's almost March, it's almost spring, I might see green grass soon. I might be able to wear a sweater outside soon. I might be able to wear my converse and not have frozen, wet feet. It's up for grabs, really. The day can be anybody's moment. I could be anything.

I don't really get spring cleaning. I mean, as of right now it feels like a really bad time to be throwing things out. I know it's not spring yet, but I'm thinking it's gotta come pretty soon. If there's any time to be cleaning shit up, it's the end of August. That's when I would have a garage sale. Of course, I hoard everything and am materialistic and idealistic and romantic and can't part with anything because I'm afraid I might need it at some point in my life 20 years down the road so I'll be carting everything I own with me forever as I accumulate it over the years. I probably should do some cleaning, some weeding (this is not a reference to drugs), I know it would make my step-mom really happy.

Okay I actually remember what I was going to talk about. It was the general collapsing of emotions. Sometimes the smallest hurts trigger the biggest pains. What am I talking about? My friend had a knee injury and has finally recovered, only today somebody accidentally hit it. She cried, but I recognized that kind of crying. It probably hurt a lot, but it wasn't fucked up again. It hurt a lot but also, the world hurt a lot. I know that kind of crying, I've done it so many times.
"The last song on the record is dedicated to people who are alone. I mean, like alone and you stub your toe and you fall on the ground and you sob hysterically into the ground and you're like, 'What is wrong with my life?'" - Sara (Tegan and Sara)
Right??? It's not really cause you stubbed your toe that you're crying. It's because it's one too many things that hurt. Now, I've been feeling really good lately (by lately I mean last 4 months). If I stub my toe I will probably swear a lot and move on. But I've been there before, when I used to just lie on the ground and wonder 'What the fuck is going on' and it's like what Riese (this girl called automatic win) said, I never really expected an answer. I still don't. But I guess I'm asking myself those kinds of questions less and less. I mean I still wonder, I'm still afraid, but I guess I've learned to distance myself from those fears. I'm actually not sure if this is a good thing. I guess it's good because I'm happy, but I haven't felt anything so passionately in a while. I miss that a little bit. I miss feeling very passionate, very intense. I miss feeling on the edge of something big. Now I feel stuck, I feel like I'm waiting, like I'm staring down a flat plain, a straight road right in front of me. I'm waiting for something to hit me, to wake me up or knock me out. Maybe I'm waiting for reality or what used to be, the way things were when everything seemed too big. I wrote a lot more in my journal then.

So far this post has been about nothing. But I hope you learned something about anything. Maybe you learned that I am vague about everything. Did you discover something about yourself? Are you nodding your head in agreement as you read along? Feel free to comment about how nonsensical this all is, or how, despite the nonsense, sometimes it makes perfect sense. Sometimes the abstract feels real.


No, really. Sometimes the only consolation in life is that someone views it the same way as you. If you share something with me, then good, keep it and remember that you're not alone. I won't know that we share a common bond of understanding, but that's okay. Seriously.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

ermm hi. wassup?