Friday, February 6, 2009

Wishing and Hoping: Day 19

Sometimes I go out on a limb and it breaks. The fall hurts. The higher I climb the more painful the ground feels when I land on it. It's a bit of an ironic hurt. Like the farther you reach, the more heartbreaking it is to find yourself at the bottom again.

I expect to fall a lot. I hope I don't. The difference is I can change my expectations. I can't change what I really and truly desire. Falling is the hardest part. No one wants to fall, yet somehow we all do. We all end up on our backs and we all end up getting up again.

I don't want to expect or hope for things anymore. How can I do that? I can't. All I do is hope. I hope for the highest fucking branch there is. All I do is keep climbing. All I feel is bitter disappointment, a heavy heart, a grim determination, a sense of frustration that WHY, why is it like this, why do things have to be this way. I don't know. Some things just are.

Hope is perhaps one of the most misleading things I know.

It's alright, right? It's alright. Right. I got nothing. The disappointment of falling again is a little hard to stomach. It's time to continue moving forward. I gotta remind myself not to stay static, if nothing else I'll crawl. I'll crawl to the fucking top.

"First we'd climb the tree, then maybe we'd talk
or sit silently and listen to our thoughts
with illusions of someday casting a golden light
no dress rehearsal, this is our life."
The Tragically Hip - Ahead By A Century


Josh Sterlin! said...

I was typing my other friend emily's name into facebook to tell her something late at night and i accidentally ended up on your page, and then your blog(well, not accidentally). I was surprised, i found this whole world hidden away here, someone's world i see everyday but never try and enter.

I was reading along and then I got here and just: CONNECTION CONNECTION. I was feeling the same way. There's this line from the Movie "The History Boys" (I had to do some google searching to find out what movie it was) where the teacher says how the greatest feeling in literature is when you come across someone's line, perhaps long dead, that you connect to and feel that you are not alone. CONNECTION CONNECTION. I was feeling that I couldn't (or wouldn't stand up and do it) open myself, that i wanted to connect, to love, but too scared to, living in a broken world with a broken heart ("civilization is breathing down our necks, tearing us apart, we are wreckage with beating hearts" - Tim "Speed" Levitch). A world where everything i love and that needs my help is being destroyed. And to let that realization into my heart might kill me. But that might be okay, because when you're dead, they can't touch you anymore as Derrick Jensen would say. You can still dance, you can still sing and love and eat and swim, but they can't touch you. A metaphorical death, of renewal. but that doesn't mean I can't love what I love and be what i am at the same time.

That song used to be in my mind alot, "no dress rehearsals, this is our life".

I think Marianne Williamsome is right when she says:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel unsure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God [god, the gods, the divine, source etc...] that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. As we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

If I can get the courage, if i can grow, if i can let my light shine, it'll definitely help me stand up and fight.

Love, wildness, profundity, and until the circle comes around,

P.S. Thanks for giving me an outlet for a late night expression.
P.P.S. Also, i feel like i adopted kinda the blogging way of writing there. I don't know if i like it lol.

Emily said...

Hey, wow, Josh, I'm really glad you commented. I guess you understand the "connection" thing.. sometimes it's just a line or a word and all of a sudden the world looks different. And you get to say "oh yeah. Someone feels the way I do." even if it's just for a moment.

You said "I was feeling that I couldn't (or wouldn't stand up and do it) open myself, that i wanted to connect, to love, but too scared to, living in a broken world with a broken heart" and I really get that. But you also said "but that doesn't mean I can't love what I love and be what i am at the same time." and I think if there's any kind of truth, it's that. There have been many times when I was too afraid to open up, to just go for it and be myself. I think for us growing up, being yourself means you're putting a target on your back. But I think people who are honest, and who are themselves will eventually find each other.