Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Day 9: The Inner Workings of my Brain (I can do so much better)

I had three posts written for today. Two were prepared, both do not fit my current mood and therefore will not be posted. The third was written and erased in 8 minutes. I fucking hate people and their fucking expectations. The world is not anything, people are just people, I am tired I cannot be two people at once, why would anyone expect something from me. I don't expect anything from you.

I went to the library today and sat there, words crept into my head and all I had was my notebook for school. I wrote the shit in my brain down in my notebook next to the Principles of Math and Logic. It's ironic, I am not logical. I haven't felt this way in a long time, since the beginning of November. I knew it would come back, it always comes back. So what happens now. I'll never be able to sleep at night, I'll stumble my way through the day, shadowy faces in my peripheral vision, I'm not really looking for anything.. I've figured out what I want. I truly have. It is strange, how those things happen, the realization. Yeah, like, maybe I've got something figured out now. I see myself in the future, I see it, I see it, there it is, I can walk towards it, I can crawl towards it, I have a direction. I'm going somewhere. I can't tell you what I want. It's mine, all mine, I would never write it in my journal though I've been thinking about it since i was six. All the time. You know, that's why people say you always miss the things in front of you. It was sort of relevatory, all of a sudden I knew that this thing that I had dreamed about, imagined, dwelled upon for all my childhood, suddenly I knew that it was possible. That it is SO possible. It's easy. It's hard.
"I love the logic of oxymorons, and how paradox helps us not to feel insane."
- Stephen Dunn "Loves"
I'll be what I am. I'm sorry I hate political correctness, I hate formality with strangers, politeness when the person serving you is a bitch, faking gratitude, I hate presenting a side of me that I'm not. We all have to make our way in life, I know that. Don't get hung up waiting for other people. Don't expect anything from me I'm not who you expect me to be, I'm not that person, I'm not, I'm not I'm not.

I have put this off for far too long.

"I listened in, yes I'm guilty of this, you should know this.
I broke down and wrote you back before you had a chance to.
Forget forgotten I am moving past this, giving notice.
I have to go, yes I know the feeling, know you're leaving."
- Tegan and Sara "The Con"

1 comment:

Alessia said...

whatever it is that you've discovered, i'm totally happy for you.