Wednesday, December 22, 2010

"The Year In Review": A Few Things I Remember

1. [f a l l i n g in and out and in and o u t of love]

With everything, and everyone, constantly. I just can't do the highs and lows. Well, sometimes I don't understand me and sometimes I don't understand you. I don't know you or me. I don't understand the happiness or lightness of love; I don't understand the sadness and excessive weight of love. I've given you all and now I'm nothing.

2. ["Christmas is S O D U M B."]

I am Scrooge/The Grinch. Whatever. Christmas is stupid. I'm only partially sorry if that offends you. What is Christmas about anyway? Is it the birth of Jesus? I honestly don't even know. I don't even really care. All I want for Christmas, really, is some new socks. Because the majority of my socks have holes in them. I am happy that I am escaping this Christmas obsessed world and going to a tiny bubble in the middle of nowhere with people who also don't care about Christmas.

(Alright, so Christmas hasn't happened yet, but today on the metro I saw a man with a Christmas tree and I thought "oh yeah, I guess it's about that time to throw out Christmas trees" and then I realized that December 25th hasn't actually happened yet. That's how much I care about Christmas.)

3. [g r a dua t ing]

I did it.

4. [s u m m e r in America]

It was hot. There were fireworks and a parade and everyone I love in Riese's living room. I feel sad and nostalgic because it will probably never happen again, I mean, not like that. You and I are not the same people anymore. But we are still beautiful.

5. [moving i n and o u t and in and out of h o m e]

Frequently I ask myself "why do I live here" and fail to produce a decent answer. Then one night I slept in my old bedroom and felt annoyed at all the space. My room was too big. It doesn't matter. Nothing is ever clean in my apartment. But my small room feels at least a little more like home. It's warm and the bed is comfortable. It's safe.

I still feel like I don't know where I live, or where home is. I guess that's normal.

6. [the year in r e v i e w]

I remember parts of the year. I remember February, vividly. I remember March and feeling high and happy and perfect. Things made sense in March. I think I went on a camping trip in April. I remember my legs sticking to the seat of the bus in May. June and July are stuck together in a gooey mess of sweat and kisses and tears. August is one long train ride to nowhere. September - November is 10,000 feelings I'd like to erase. I am drained and pulled apart.

I am tired and I'd like to stop counting. I'd like to stop counting backwards and forwards. Sometimes all I know is that I'm a mirror of other people's feelings and opinions, a composition of people who came before me. Sometimes I'm amazed at the love I feel, and the strangeness of how I can love people I don't know, so much so that I turn the people I claim to love into strangers. Sometimes I'm surprised at how angry I am, when I don't know where that anger comes from. But mostly I'm surprised/unsurprised at the way the world heals itself, and how when everything feels upside down, the world will turn you over again.

"I love the number of people
you can love at the same time,
one deep, erotic love,
radiating even to strangers,
cynics, making a temporary sense
of the senseless, choreful day."
- Stephen Dunn "Loves"

Is this year over yet.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

that secret that we know, that we don't know how to tell

can i tell you a secret.

'teenage dream' by katy perry plays at work and more than once it has almost made me cry. now i am listening to it on repeat but i don't know why.

last year -- december 2009 -- i was wandering up and down a street i knew too well. i was always looking for this one person without trying to make it look like i was looking for her; i was smoking cigarettes outside leaning on trees; i was stumbling down mountains and listening to bon iver and crying and desperate all the time. my money was gone and i was drunk as hell.

sometimes my secret is this: the ground is wet with snow but it is not snowing. the air is damp like it was just raining and the glow of lights reflect on the pavement. car lights. street lamps. i want to chain smoke. i am surrounded by people and all at once i am happy and sad and alone and hopeful. the night is just beginning and there are still places we haven't been.

sometimes my secret is this: i do not know the difference between being in love and wanting a mother. i am sorry. i do not know the difference.

one year ago -- december 2009 -- i was standing in the fitting room at my job. a song was making me cry. in my mind the street i seemed to always be standing on was upside down; my feet were on the sky. that's the way i walked around.

sometimes i have no secrets and it makes me feel bare but no one asks. a secret is hidden; if there is nothing to hide but no one is looking then what is there. am i secret if i don't exist. whose secret am i. what is the point of a secret if not to reveal it one day.

lately my secret has been that grey's anatomy makes me cry. i just let myself sink into this hand crafted world where people live and die with the stroke of a pen. and when parents hear that their children are dead and they break down in each other's arms, i break down too. i let myself cry over this tv show because it's easier than crying over real life.

tell me a secret if you so desire.


I am in love
with the way I see the world.
But I am all alone there.
- Matthew Rohrer "Hone Quarry"

i don't feel this way, but it's a beautiful line.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

In The Morning I Wake Up I'm Ready For The Night Time To Begin

I'm sorry, last night I was celebrating my freedom from exams and so I didn't bother to do a music monday. But I'm doing one today so you can just pretend it's Monday. Okay? Okay.

[band of horses - NW apt]

band of horses' latest album, 'infinite arms', is really, really good. i told you about it once and i think i wasn't so sure at the time, but now i am sure. this is up there with 'everything all the time' which was their first album and a real gem.


Thursday, December 9, 2010

Where Are My Keys I Lost My Brain

Do you want to hear a funny story? I'm sure you do. Today I had a Very Important Exam and I forgot a few things at home:

1. a pen
2. the keys to my house
3. my brain

Fortunately I managed to get a pen but not the 2 other things. That's okay because I have tonight to stave off insanity before the next Very Important Exam.

Today I wanted to talk to you about WINTER but I totally forgot everything I wanted to write about a few days ago and haven't been able to remember since. So I'm sorry I have the mental capacity of a fetus. There are so many hipster photos of the desolation of winter on tumblr, you can just go look there.

Anyways, I'm just going to tell you a few things, in a addition to the few things I told you last week.

1. there are 222 unread items in my google reader
2. what should i eat for dinner?

Alright, so there's not much going on in my head that doesn't have to do with school. Look, here's a graph I made about my brain.

I sure hope that that's mathematically accurate as I am one of those people who are mathematically challenged ("I crack jokes now and then, but it's only because I struggle with math" - Tina Fey).

But seriously? The end of this semester is kind of making me sad. See, even though I didn't really like this semester, I really liked this semester. I think I didn't like this semester because I was really sad for half of it. But once things started to pick up, I really enjoyed my classes. Except for the Canadian Law one which makes me want to BLOW MY BRAINS OUT (though I still think it's a really important class to take and therefore am proud of myself for sticking it out and simultaneously disappointed in myself for forgetting s.10 of the Charter on my VIE today). And even though Concordia's library is not as cozy and comfy and beautiful as Dawson's, I've still come to appreciate it for its weird sections and stairs that make me out of breath, even if right now there are too many people and not enough chairs and desks.

Basically I am not ready for this semester to be over (I am kind of ready for exams to be over, though) (I would like to learn things and not have to prove that I've learned them). I am, however, really excited to read things that I want to read and watch movies that I want to watch! So far I have ~2.5 weeks of break to read:

1. Veronica by Mary Gaitskill
2. Inferno by Eileen Myles
3. The Wind-Up Bird Chronicles by Haruki Murakami

and 2.5 weeks of break to watch:

1. the episodes of 30 rock I've missed
2. Last Train Home
3. Trembling Before God

and anything else that might come up.

Also I'm going to England the 22nd of December with possibly no internet which might be the most freeing thing in the world. Not that I don't love you, internet, but sometimes you are just so overwhelming and clingy. I'm coming back though, don't worry.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

A Few Things

Hi. Okay, I don't really have any ideas for a blog post so I'm just going to tell you things so that you keep reading and don't forget about me.

I went to see Hollerado Friday night in Montreal and it was one of the best shows I've ever been to. I don't know how to explain it other than to say that it ended with the audience on stage with the band, jumping around to Neil Young's 'Rocking in the Free World'. I mean there's few things that will get me to jump around like a crazy person like that, I didn't even want to do it when I played hockey and that was basically the same thing as working out. I know I'm small but moshing is fun.

As a bit of a sidenote, I've noticed that some of the best concerts are the ones that cost ~$8. Tegan and Sara are my favourite band, but now that they're "big" and their concerts cost ~$35, they lose some of the intimacy that smaller shows definitely get. There are stricter boundaries as well, for example, the audience would never be able to jump on stage at a T&S show.

Katie is going to Australia in January and when she goes I'm losing my concert-going buddy. So I'm going to have to put up an ad for that. But I feel very sensitive about this, like I think I might just go to concerts alone instead because I will just be very sad that Katie is gone and no one can fill her shoes. Because she has big feet. Ha ha. Okay. The editor in my brain is telling me to erase that but I'm not going to because then you would never read it.

So, a few other things. November was pretty decent, I think I only cried once. It went by really fast and now the semester's almost over and honestly, I feel pretty sad about that. That's probably another post for when my exams are done. But in general, I feel good about November. It seems that just when I started getting settled in and used to things it's all ending, but what can you do. I got a harmonica for my birthday and I've been teaching myself some real hardcore songs like "You Are My Sunshine" and "Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer". I'm a little bit in denial that I'm 20. I also might be in denial that the past 3 months actually happened. I don't know. Sometimes I'm in denial that I'm actually a real person and that's when I know I should see my therapist.

I guess this is a bit of an update or something. I want to write about the Mary Gaitskill reading I went to a month ago but clearly that keeps getting pushed back. So maybe in a few months you'll hear about that. Is there anything you want me to tell you about, do you want me to write a story or something. Remember when Riese told you to ask her questions and then she would answer them? I would do that but I don't think anyone would ask any questions because Riese has 32908443 more readers than I do. One day I want to write a blog post about how much I love Riese. Also, Riese, if you're reading this, I want the rights to your biography. Thanks.

Ok here's the end of a poem by Stephen Dunn:

Imagine yourself a caterpillar.
There's an awful shrug and, suddenly,
You're beautiful for as long as you live.