Thursday, October 1, 2009

I've Waited a Lifetime Now Maybe I've Learned

(Before you read this I want you to know that today is the first day of October and therefore you should go eat many candy corns and also there is no real point/profound meaning to this post. Enjoy.)

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"How do you know if it's worth the risk? I haven't learned my lesson. I can't tell the future. I will make my own choices and take the blame."
-journal; april 5, 08

"This is neverending. I'm the same person I used to be. I haven't learned, I haven't grown. I'm walking in circles."
-journal; sept 8, 08

"should i
should i
should i
call
you
if i do --
crying, stupid, fumbling, no words
i.e idiot
but i'm 16 again
and this is the same
i will not learn."
-journal; may 21, '09

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So this is what I know: I know very little. I'm unsure of the things I'm sure of. I doubt my memories, wonder what is real. I wonder who the hell are these other people and what it means to exist. And I know I'm not alone. That's the terrible irony about being alone, though, is there are 6 billion people who all feel the same way, standing next to each other, not talking.

It's easy to feel alone. All you have to do is just .. be alone.

I've learned how to deal with loneliness in a way. I used to truly think I was the only sad person on the planet. It seems ridiculous now, but then, everyone was smiling and I was broken. Now I know better. Now I know we're on the verge of breaking, alone, together. I used to think the only people who understood me were far away.

They don't understand me.

But then again, neither do I.

I've learned not to think about it too much. The simplest way to move forward is to let things go. The heavier your heart, the harder it is to just do things. It's hard to breathe sometimes. If you just shrug your shoulders, if you sigh and take a nap, maybe you'll feel better. How do you grow up? Grow up. You just do.

"There's no way to grow that don't hurt."
- Iron & Wine "Sacred Vision"

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I never felt like I learned much at the time. School seemed kind of pointless. There other things I would've liked to learn, things I was confused about but didn't know how to ask. I had feelings I couldn't put a name on. I wish someone would've told me it was okay. I wish I would've had the courage to stand up for myself -- if you think the only kinds of people who get picked on in high school are the shy, overweight kids, you're wrong.

"It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies,
but just as much to stand up to our friends."
- Dumbledore "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone"

I read Harry Potter in elementary school but so did that "overweight, nerdy" type guy so I never told anyone. In high school I found out that half my friends were reading Harry Potter secretly. We just didn't want to be "uncool". We didn't want to be associated with that guy we made fun of every day.

I would hate 2001 me now. But that's just how life is, right? There's no way to not grow.

There is no such thing as uncool. The people I love are all different. I'm proud of the way I've grown. I never want to judge another human (as hard as it is) for the rest of my life, because I know what it's like. I always felt like I was on the outside looking in on something so much better than whatever I had. This is what I've learned: there is nothing better on the inside of someone else's life than what you have inside yourself. Being myself is the only way I've ever found happiness, if that's what I have at all.

"Though we say goodbye and wonder
what's to know and who's to blame
but to be myself completely I will love you just the same."
- Belle and Sebastian "Be Myself Completely"

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I hope you learn humility by being humiliated and honesty by being cheated.

I can love you better now.

love goes a long way..

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7 comments:

Brooke Levin said...

I love candy corn!

kimbit said...

I love Belle and Sebastian (and candy corn)!
You're very honest. Remember that that's a good thing!

cnpetty said...

this is wonderful and quite identical to the disjointed thoughts that have been going through my head lately. so thanks for sorting them out through your lens.

love this:
there are 6 billion people who all feel the same way, standing next to each other, not talking.

laura said...

sometimes i wonder if lonely is just my natural state. i'm lonely when i spend to much time alone and lonely when i don't spend enough time by myself. today i wore combat boots and felt tough.

riese said...

i think i had a three hour phone conversation on this same topic with laneia last night, except that it wasn't about these facts exactly but this feeling.

you said something about how "the heavier your heart, the harder it is to just do things" and I think that's it. It's like a heaviness, but it's a sort of manic heaviness where you're frantically searching for something -- a meaning or an actual thing/person, depending on the hour/day/year -- and the energy with which we Question is so much like excitement (or the pace of excitement) that it ends up being just really confusing,

and maybe we mostly like tegan & sara because they are a lot like us in how they think.

riese said...

I was going to finish that sentence, but I think not finishing it is meta, and therefore fine.

saint modesto said...

brooke: You probs didn't even read the rest of this post! I had a feeling I could distract you with candy corn.

kimbit: Belle and Sebastian are awesome. Honesty (about feelings) is a policy I try to live my life by.

cnpetty: Thank you for reading it. In some weird way we understand we other, even if just for a moment, we should hold on to that.

laura: There's another part in Harry Potter, I think it's the fifth book, when Harry says whenever he's around people he wants to be alone, and whenever he's alone he wants to be around people. I feel like that a lot, like I don't know what I want. Maybe I want combat boots.

riese: I think it's perfect that you didn't finish that sentence because it just sums up how I feel when I feel that way. A half finished sentence, and such a strong desire to find meaning in anything or anyone that I imagine it in places that it is not.

Maybe that's why we settle for anything that remotely resembles what we want, because actually finding it is so damn hard.